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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: MC question/vent
namaste32
♀ Member
Member # 32848
Default  Posted: 6:32 PM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We were in MC in the very beginning of DDay. It failed and we just did it on our own. Not many therapists to choose from here. Anyways...we were doing well on our own,R is going ok. We talk,work trough things together,things are better. We just recently ended up in therapy for a different reason,because we thought something was going on with one of our kids,I actually thought asperger or high functioning autisum,...so this therapist is really nice,very good with kids etc. She of course wants to see either me or my H alone,without the kid,background questions and so on. One day she says I seem stressed and I said yea,my 2 other kids are sick,my H works alot,yes I am a bit overwhelmed. She says I should come in alone,we could do yoga together and she ll talk to me a bit,so I say ok,why not,it may help,who knows right? So I go,and tell her about the infidelity,and how things are much better,and he changed and is doing all the work,blah,...but I of course also tell her,that after 3 years it still hurts like shit,and yea the triggers are under control,the anger passed mostly,so overall it going good,but the hurt is still there. So she says she can help us. We are like ok,lets try,and somehow the focus goes from the kid to us,and the next thing you know we are in the chair....we talk about all kinds of things,but the A. Because everytime we bring it up,she is overwhelmed with it. My H says she is tiptoing around it. She tells me ,I need to move on,let the past go,and live in the now. She says I shouldnt be hurt so far out. She asked me why I am hurt? Why dont I just let this rest,....and stuff like that. So now I am super pissed,even my H is like huh ,whats wrong with her? I am angry and confused. She doesnt know what she is talkin about. It pisses me off,that she knows so much about us,our entire family and we were doing so good but after this wierd sessions now it seems so fresh again,......you guys know what I mean? Oh yea,I forgot to mention,one time she got on me because I was super emotional during my cycle,sorry if this is TMI,but I get very needy and emotional and difficult that time of the month......and I also told her this is when it bothers me the most,she said I should keep that to myself and better not interact with anybody that time of the month,....so now of course I wish we would have never went,.....or is this normal? I am confused,......

Posts: 185 | Registered: Jul 2011
Card
♂ Member
Member # 23667
Default  Posted: 6:45 PM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Fire this person and find someone to help work with your child.

This <cough> counselor is a not really helping anyone in your family.


WH (me)
BS (her)

D-Days April - Oct. 2007 Recovery started Nov. 2007

"Found Myself", I was right there in my shoes all along!
Search for self called off!

Why Repentance Is Necessary? Because Undeserved Mercy Empowers Entitlement/Sin


Posts: 570 | Registered: Apr 2009
Lovedyoumore
♀ Member
Member # 35593
Default  Posted: 6:48 PM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Many therapist, much wiser, are published with studies and anecdotes concerning infidelity and healing. The 3 to 5 year time frame comes up again and again with that being normal as long as both parties are working on the R. It can be much longer depending on the circumstances.

I hate to say this, but when you quoted your MC it sounded just like my H's OW telling me "it's been a year and a half" when she found out I was still upset, "get over it".


Me 52
WH 52
Married 30+ years
Together trying to R

I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.


Posts: 1527 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Southern, bless your heart
TheAmazingWondertwin
♀ Member
Member # 40769
Default  Posted: 5:06 AM, October 16th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry you are going through this. It sounds like this counseler specializes in children... Not infidelity or marriage. I would be concerned that she was so quick to assume that she was the appropriate one to help. There are so many specialized fields in counseling/psychology. As a professional, she should have known that your particular issue is not hers.
I would try not to put too much stock in what she says, because it doesn't sound like this is her forte. Shame on her for not being more professionally aware about her skills and specialities.
You have been down a long road , and maybe counseling would help, but I don't think this is the one for you guys.
I wish you peace.


Everyday is a new day, some good, some bad.
Me- BS 39
Him- FWS
14 years- 2 middle school children
DDay- 07-24-2013
NC broken from August 6- 24, 2013
Avalanche of Truth on November 14, 2013
Length of A: June 10th to Dday- with broken NC

Posts: 474 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: East Coast
brokensmile322
♀ Member
Member # 35758
Default  Posted: 5:28 AM, October 16th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You know, when we went to our new MC, my WH asked about the time thing. I had been talking about the 3-5 yr rule that we all talk about for so long. My WH really was wondering about it....didn't know how it could go so long.

The MC looked right at him and said...This could go on for 17 more years or forever if you let it. It will go on for as long as you don't deal with it.

It was a huge eye opener for him.

Not all counselors are created equal. Fire this one and find another...one for your child and one for you or for MC.

I cannot stress how great a really good counselor is....


And FWIW, I think generally MC doesn't work right after dday....I would try again.


Me BS 42 Him WS 44
OW Coworker DDay April 7, 2012
EA on a slippery slope...

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Viktor Frankl

"When you are happy, you can forgive a great deal."


Posts: 1544 | Registered: Jun 2012
namaste32
♀ Member
Member # 32848
Default  Posted: 5:40 AM, October 16th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for your responses....I also forgot to mention that I brought up how helpful this site is and especially in the beginning and the healing library and etc.and of course how sometimes things here trigger me,but again all that was long time ago. And she says this site cannot and will not help anyone,when I feel the need to post or read ,I should open up a nice magazine instead,....WTF???? I am even more pissed then yesterday actually,....

Posts: 185 | Registered: Jul 2011
TheAmazingWondertwin
♀ Member
Member # 40769
Default  Posted: 5:42 AM, October 16th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A magazine? Seriously? Like better homes and gardens is gonna wash away the A?
Wow. Just wow.


Everyday is a new day, some good, some bad.
Me- BS 39
Him- FWS
14 years- 2 middle school children
DDay- 07-24-2013
NC broken from August 6- 24, 2013
Avalanche of Truth on November 14, 2013
Length of A: June 10th to Dday- with broken NC

Posts: 474 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: East Coast
SadFlower
♀ Member
Member # 37725
Default  Posted: 7:45 AM, October 16th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh brother. She does not know what she's talking about. Open up a magazine? Give me a break. On what planet is that an acceptable response?

I don't know how I would have gotten through this without SI.


Me: BW, age 66
Him: WH, age 64
Married 19 years
In R.

D-Day: August 14, 2012
9 year LTA with former co-worker and family "friend"/7 years EA+PA, 2 more years EA


Posts: 408 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Connecticut
SorrowBhindSmile
♀ Member
Member # 38139
Default  Posted: 9:44 AM, October 16th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


And she says this site cannot and will not help anyone,when I feel the need to post or read ,I should open up a nice magazine instead

Maybe grab that magazine...roll it up and smack her in the head with it. Sorry, there goes that little streak of devil in me again!

WOW. That is very disheartening...and well, just plain bad advice all around. Everybody processes things in their own way and in their own time. This is a traumatic event...with effects that last a lifetime. Time for a new C. ugh.


Me: BW
Him: WH
OW: My former "dear friend"/neighbor
Married 20+
Kids: 3
D-Day 12/2012
Committed to R 7/8/2013
"Believe in yourself and all that you are. Know that there is something inside you that is greater than any obstacle"

Posts: 357 | Registered: Jan 2013
3kids30years
♀ Member
Member # 38879
Default  Posted: 1:33 PM, October 16th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Totally agree with ^^^^.

We had a very bad MC for 8 sessions, our first foray into the C world. We didn't know what was wrong, just that she didn't get it.

Found a new MC, and after 3 sessions we are doing much better. She is very soft spoken and a great listener. Please keep looking - they are out there. Promise. I'd even tell her why. I told our old MC exactly why we would not be coming back. She was stunned. Just doesn't get it.

For me, the hurt will always be there, it's how we deal with it that counts.


BS - mid 50's
WH - mid 50's
DDay - 3/2/13 - 2:07pm
TT until 9/02/13
NC broken 4/15/14
2year+ "passionate" EA/PA

Married 30+ years and here I am. Heartbroken.
4/14 Trying to make it thru each day
9/14 - getting better. we


Posts: 217 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Nor Cal
Lovedyoumore
♀ Member
Member # 35593
Default  Posted: 1:56 PM, October 16th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

With the last advice I really wonder what her personal history might be. Sounds like the advice an OW might give. Just get over it, hon.


Me 52
WH 52
Married 30+ years
Together trying to R

I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.


Posts: 1527 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Southern, bless your heart
Morhurt
♀ Member
Member # 40166
Default  Posted: 2:06 PM, October 16th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ugh. Just ugh. It's very scary to me how much worse a bad MC experience can make things. We've tried two MCs with no luck. The first was pointless but the second was damaging. I think if was about a month ago that we last saw her but last night I needed to vent it all out again to H, how hurtful and confusing her C technique was to me.

And you pay!!

I'm sorry you went through that, I hope somehow it works in your favour with the healing process.


Me: BS
Him: FWS
M: 15 years
4 lovely daughters
Working to rebuild.

Posts: 951 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Canada
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 6:02 PM, October 16th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your 'MC' clearly thinks she has competence that she lacks. She is certainly incompetent WRT helping couples recover from infidelity.

Our MC checked SI out before saying anything and then didn't say anything. The advice I've gotten here matches the advice she gives - she's big on NC, honesty, transparency, acknowledging responsibility, dates nights and visioning what we want in our M, confronting W's bullshit, etc.

A few times I've brought up my inability/unwillingness to trust my W as a problem. Instead of pushing me to 'get over it', she just says 'it's too early to trust her'.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10379 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Topic Posts: 13

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