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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: He can really see me now
catlover50
♀ Member
Member # 37154
Default  Posted: 12:17 PM, October 16th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In some ways my H's whole life was lived in a kind of fog. He had little self awareness, was self-protective and selfish and unable to fully attach. As his wife I saw this (while not realizing the depths of it) and was unable to reach him and help. I gave and gave. He took and took. What little he gave was often resentfully. Not to say we didn't have lots of good times, but they were orchestrated by me and done on his terms.

During his LTA he was no different at home. He was not one of those WS who got caught up in the fantasy, she was a small piece of his life. Phone calls were during work (she needed a lot of professional hand holding); in fact her biggest screaming fits were over his refusal to take her calls at home. The sex was infrequent after the first few months and typically late at night after an emergency. He was too selfish to give her anything more, even a birthday card. The biggest mystery is why she settled for so little for so long, but I digress.

I know that he always admired and loved me in his own way, and was frequently complimentary. But now it is as if the scales have fallen from his eyes. And his heart. The difference isn't from A to after A, it's our whole M compared to now. Now that he's giving he notices all that I do ("you are the most giving woman ever"). Now that he's fully open he sees how I have always been there for him and was not trying to control him ("you are the most amazing woman"). Now that he's really looking he can't stop complimenting me on my appearance. Now that he welcomes my advances he thinks I'm the sexiest thing ever.

I finally told him that this was me all along. It makes us both sad to realize what we could have had all these years, but at least we have it now.

Anyone else feel that their WS is really seeing them for the first time?



Dday -9/24/2012
Reconciling

Posts: 1716 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 2:21 PM, October 16th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, catlover, I can relate to this.

I know that he always admired and loved me in his own way, and was frequently complimentary. But now it is as if the scales have fallen from his eyes. And his heart. The difference isn't from A to after A, it's our whole M compared to now. Now that he's giving he notices all that I do ("you are the most giving woman ever"). Now that he's fully open he sees how I have always been there for him and was not trying to control him ("you are the most amazing woman"). Now that he's really looking he can't stop complimenting me on my appearance. Now that he welcomes my advances he thinks I'm the sexiest thing ever.

The only difference I will say is that this was not me all along. I got lost in our move and second child. I was not reachable for a time. I feel as if the A broke me open and I got rid of all the bad stuff inside of me that wasn't really me. That I didn't want anymore but didn't know what to do about, KWIM?

But yes, today my H says, "you are so pretty you know that?" Or, "do you know what you do to me when I see you in that nightie?" Or, "let's say thank you to Mom for making us this dinner." Or, "I noticed all the laundry you did today, thank you for that."

Things are so much better.
LA

[This message edited by LA44 at 2:22 PM, October 16th (Wednesday)]


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2211 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
catlover50
♀ Member
Member # 37154
Default  Posted: 3:02 PM, October 16th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks LA. I am always impressed at your willingness to look at yourself. I am so happy for you and your H.

I have changed as well, thanks to changes in my H. It is so much more rewarding to give now. I am, however, no longer willing to be the only giver, or to accept his conflict avoidance. I am no longer willing to be quiet to keep the peace. I am careful not to try to control him, but won't back down due to those fears from him. Although he says it has been months since he felt that I was trying to control him. (interestingly, since I have been more demanding than usual; it's all perspective.) And I have "blossomed" sexually. Here at my age I am finally able to fully realize my sexuality; yay!!

Life is a journey; it's great to finally have an equal partner to be on this journey with.



Dday -9/24/2012
Reconciling

Posts: 1716 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast
ILINIA
♀ Member
Member # 39836
Default  Posted: 5:00 PM, October 16th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Now that he's really looking he can't stop complimenting me on my appearance. Now that he welcomes my advances he thinks I'm the sexiest thing ever.

I finally told him that this was me all along. It makes us both sad to realize what we could have had all these years, but at least we have it now.

Yep, same boat. We have been calling it the Greek Tragedy. He now realizes everything he ever wanted or dreamed about was right here in front of him, but he never "saw" it until he hit bottom. (I was the one that started that thread.)

I love it but I need to embrace it more. I have a tendency to be a little miffed when he does notice something and I will say something like "Was I THAT invisible to you before?" Recently, he will get turned on by an outfit or pajamas that I have worn dozens of times. I do have to let go and just enjoy the giddiness and newness of it...I will make a point to do that tonight

Edited to add: I second the equal partners comment, it is so much more balanced.

[This message edited by ILINIA at 5:05 PM, October 16th (Wednesday)]


Entering R slowly and cautiously...

Posts: 438 | Registered: Jul 2013
crazyblindsided
♀ Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 5:10 PM, October 16th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Anyone else feel that their WS is really seeing them for the first time?

Yep this has actually just started happening and it really helps make me feel safer with him when he expresses those things to me. He will often look at me now with tears in his eyes and tell me that I am beautiful and that he loves me. It is really sweet. He has also become a great father. He has stepped up his parenting duties and has taken a more active role in our kids lives. I tell him he is awesome at it too We have been working our Love Languages together and it has been wonderful, so on point.


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
catlover50
♀ Member
Member # 37154
Default  Posted: 6:08 PM, October 16th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks ladies. Glad you are seeing improvement. Bittersweet; but lately more sweet than bitter for us.



Dday -9/24/2012
Reconciling

Posts: 1716 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast
BIZZYBEEZ
♀ Member
Member # 37645
Default  Posted: 7:20 PM, October 16th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes yes yes!!! But I've changed too since the A with what I allow to happen. I wanna talk - we talk. I'm mad - he's gonna hear about it. I cry - he gets to see it. I want attention - I'm taking it. No more hiding myself from him EVER AGAIN. He doesn't like it - see ya bye.......


BW (me) - 47
WH (him) - 39
DDay - 10/22/2012 (worst day of my life)

Learning to breathe again - one day at a time


Posts: 235 | Registered: Nov 2012
catlover50
♀ Member
Member # 37154
Default  Posted: 7:25 PM, October 16th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good for you BIZZYBEEZ!

Good luck on your upcoming antiversary; it happens to be our son's 22nd birthday!

[This message edited by catlover50 at 7:25 PM, October 16th (Wednesday)]



Dday -9/24/2012
Reconciling

Posts: 1716 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 7:32 PM, October 16th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am, however, no longer willing to be the only giver, or to accept his conflict avoidance. I am no longer willing to be quiet to keep the peace.

Totally! And....

And I have "blossomed" sexually. Here at my age I am finally able to fully realize my sexuality; yay!!

I am finally getting my groove and not feeling shy about it!

Well wishes to all.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2211 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 9:21 PM, October 16th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great post!!! I can't say if my wife is "really seeing me now"...but I am really seeing me now. And I am really starting to see my wife now.

Whats that say about me? I cant really describe this too well...but I see my wife as a more full person. I am appreciating her more...and I am the BS...so I get your post and appreciate it....just feeling it differently.

Curious why the change now? Was I that selfish before that I did not engage her well? Did she not share so much of herself that I never got to appreciate the fullness that is my wife?


Since DD we have fought stronger then any fight I have ever been in....but we have also shared hurts and pains we never shared before...or not shared in a way that the other appreciated or validated....or we werent open to accepting that which was being shared, insisting on being right instead of seeking to understand?

Getting back to your post...I, too, am sad over the years that have passed with us not really seeing all of each other that we could have. We had good years, maybe even close to great years....but how much better could they have been had we shared more whole-heartedly, showed more of ourselves to each other, appreciated our differences and uniqueness's...and not feel threatened by the other's reaction, not have had our FOO issues constrain ourselves within our own minds?

Catlover50...I enjoy following your journey and relate to much of it. You guys continue to lead...I just enjoy the fact that I can still "see you", and hope we continue to follow you.

However, I humbly admit my wife is seeing parts of Blakesteele that she has never seen before. I did give more to my wife then she did to me...I think that is a fair statement. But I also took and I hid parts of myself from her.

So in my sitch we both have an opportunity to really see each other.

God be with us all.

wandering post....hoping to re-read and edit it to see if I can fill out the thoughts your cool post triggered in me.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 9:27 PM, October 16th (Wednesday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3577 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
catlover50
♀ Member
Member # 37154
Default  Posted: 4:51 AM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Blakesteele; I think that your work on yourself has been amazing. We can always look inside ourselves and try to become more authentic.

I often think how ill prepared most of us are for marriage and for authentic life in many cases! We are usually just making it up as we go along. Using our (often dysfunctional) parents as models. Our FO may have helped or may have messed us up royally. We spend hundreds of hours learning about math and yet relationships we are just supposed to "get". Even the topic of infidelity, as has been pointed out here on SI, is not handled realistically; if most people really knew how destructive and regrettable it usually is they may think twice. Or, sadly, maybe not.

But I digress.

Keep up the good work, blaketeele!



Dday -9/24/2012
Reconciling

Posts: 1716 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 6:18 AM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We spend hundreds of hours learning about math and yet relationships we are just supposed to "get".

Very true statement. Many of the books I have read talk about how, when we are left on our own (no mentors or role models) we simply will not emotionally mature...and yet we think we are because we get promoted at work, we physically age, we have ego's, etc..

This past year as been a very humbling experience...and I guess I needed that...had way more confidence and pride then i ever thought I did.

A friend of ours home schools. Her oldest son kept spelling "School" as "Skool". He argued with his Mom that she was wrong and he was right. Her response to him was "Son, your pride is getting in the way of your learning."

My pride, combined with my FOO issues and my wifes FOO issues, have kept me from learning and growing.

Kicker is....both my wife and I thought we were showing each other love, doing marriage right...afterall, we never fought and we are debt free. That is how we defined a good marrriage....my wife saw her parents fight a lot. I saw my parents struggle financially....both of our parents divorced.

We are learning that conflict is healthy and is a way we learn and grow...if we can do it "right"...meaning respectfully and with the intention of understaninding what we both are feeling and desiring before we push our desires onto the other.

I wonder if we would have had the courage to R our marriage pre-A? It was in need of it, but might have been comfortable enough for us to never grow past where we were....or not grow fast enough to feel the change I feel now. I probably wont ever be grateful that my wife had an A, but I can appreciate some of the good that has and is coming from the growth since my DD.

Thanks for the compliment and kind response to my response to your post.

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 6:20 AM, October 17th (Thursday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3577 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
OptimisticWife
♀ Member
Member # 36587
Default  Posted: 6:45 AM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can relate to this too. My H admitted to being so self protective that he never let himself feel the full extent of my love. He also said he had a wall up that stopped him from allowing himself the fully experience the love he has for me. After all these years together, he's finally letting me in completely. It's been an amazing change and probably the glue in our R process.

Posts: 190 | Registered: Aug 2012
catlover50
♀ Member
Member # 37154
Default  Posted: 7:19 AM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Optimisticwife! I was just thinking this am that it is not that my H fell in love with me again after DDay, it was that he REALIZED how much he had always loved me but had been hiding behind his walls. Due to his childhood issues he was also very self-protective and felt that he had to guard himself against control, particularly with me.

Now that those walls have come down and he has allowed himself to be vulnerable he, too, has experienced what allowing love in fully feels like, and being accepted for who you are. Turns out, the lack of that was what was causing the emptiness inside, the dark place that he tried to fill so destructively. Turns out the answer was inside him (and lying next to him in bed for the last 29 years).

[This message edited by catlover50 at 7:19 AM, October 17th (Thursday)]



Dday -9/24/2012
Reconciling

Posts: 1716 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast
overandone
Member
Member # 39162
Default  Posted: 7:47 AM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Catlover, I could have written your posts almost word for word - including LTA, fWH's attitude to AP,the fantastic sex (I'm 54, and I mean fantastic!) My H has said on numerous occasions what a wonderful w/end we've had - makes me sad how we missed out on them before, cos he just didn't want to engage in a lot of family life. Ah well, his loss...
Plenty of work done by both of us, and I love your "It's great to finally have an equal partner to be on this journey with" - sums up why it was (and is) worth all the effort we both put into R.


Me - BW (54)
Him - fWS (61)
kiddies - daughters 22 and 27,son 22,
d-day - April 18 2012
R - but lots of bumps in the long road

Posts: 217 | Registered: May 2013 | From: uk
overandone
Member
Member # 39162
Default  Posted: 7:49 AM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, and I'm a dog and a catlover too


Me - BW (54)
Him - fWS (61)
kiddies - daughters 22 and 27,son 22,
d-day - April 18 2012
R - but lots of bumps in the long road

Posts: 217 | Registered: May 2013 | From: uk
TheTooGoodWife
♀ Member
Member # 35973
Default  Posted: 7:51 AM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In some ways my H's whole life was lived in a kind of fog. He had little self awareness, was self-protective and selfish and unable to fully attach. As his wife I saw this (while not realizing the depths of it) and was unable to reach him and help. I gave and gave. He took and took. What little he gave was often resentfully. Not to say we didn't have lots of good times, but they were orchestrated by me and done on his terms.

^^^^Exactly this for me as well. The good times were based around his interests though...there was never time or money for mine

I know that he always admired and loved me in his own way, and was frequently complimentary. But now it is as if the scales have fallen from his eyes. And his heart. The difference isn't from A to after A, it's our whole M compared to now. Now that he's giving he notices all that I do ("you are the most giving woman ever"). Now that he's fully open he sees how I have always been there for him and was not trying to control him ("you are the most amazing woman"). Now that he's really looking he can't stop complimenting me on my appearance. Now that he welcomes my advances he thinks I'm the sexiest thing ever.

Ditto. Although WH has always viewed me as sexy and beautiful, the A never changed any of that, he just took me for granted and frankly used me. His IC says based on the info given WH was emotionally and sexually abusing me (the A was an extension of that abuse) from early on in our relationship as it was always about his needs NEVER mine. We did not see this due to the fact we had both been sexually abused as children.

WH and I are both working really hard to change all this and we are creating an M that we have never had. WH told me yesterday that what he had felt for me before (it was pretty intense throughout our M even during the A, IC says by the sounds of it, it was Obessesive Limerance that d-day blew apart) was minor compared to what he feels now and it scares him as the feelings are so incredibly real and BIG. All I could do was just look at him like this


Me-BW-46
WH-43
M-13 yrs together 15 yrs, 2 DS 11 & 8
D-Day 20 May '12 WH confessed, PA 4 months 06/2008-10/2008 cOW
His A says nothing about me but everything about him

Posts: 239 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: UK
TheTooGoodWife
♀ Member
Member # 35973
Default  Posted: 8:10 AM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wonder if we would have had the courage to R our marriage pre-A? It was in need of it, but might have been comfortable enough for us to never grow past where we were....or not grow fast enough to feel the change I feel now. I probably wont ever be grateful that my wife had an A, but I can appreciate some of the good that has and is coming from the growth since my DD.

In our situation...NO! WH refused to acknowledge and accept that there was something very wrong and I worked even harder to keep it all together and became numb in the process. I asked and eventually begged that we go see a MC and WH said we were fine, all this while he was in the throes of the A. WH was adamant that it was the country, family, work etc that was the issue and we immigrated to get a fresh start, only the problems did not go and things just got worse until he confessed and all hell broke loose. He was finally willing to face himself and work on his issues because he was about to lose EVERYTHING that meant anything to him. I was always willing to do the work but I could no longer do it on my own. I was ready to D even before d-day happened. I suspect that this is what brought d-day on more than anything else.


Me-BW-46
WH-43
M-13 yrs together 15 yrs, 2 DS 11 & 8
D-Day 20 May '12 WH confessed, PA 4 months 06/2008-10/2008 cOW
His A says nothing about me but everything about him

Posts: 239 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: UK
catlover50
♀ Member
Member # 37154
Default  Posted: 8:37 AM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's interesting, ladies, that so many of us share this dynamic (and you too blakesteele!).

I have said before, TooGoodWife, that I could never get my H to address his problems before. He was "fine" (or he would be fine if I just left him alone!) So I tended to leave him alone around these issues. Made my own happiness. Dday, and, like many, the prospect of losing everything, made it finally impossible to ignore his issues. He admitted that he was not, in fact, fine.

I have empathy for him; he never learned any of this as a child; learned not to trust, that he could only rely on himself, that people who professed to love him were dangerous and wanted to control him. So I am so happy that he is finally able to experience the fullness of loving and being loved. (I do save some venom for the bastard who abused him and his mother who looked the other way, however!)

Thanks everyone for your helpful input!!



Dday -9/24/2012
Reconciling

Posts: 1716 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 12:40 PM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This "learning to trust only yourself" mentality of many WS due to FOO issues is a source of empathy for me as well. My wife had this attitude as well. Her A has brought to light that she can't trust herself 100% of the time.

I sense a real alone and isolated state from her now....I can see how this broken trust of oneself could expand that feeling. Truthfully , I trusted in myself in ways that have since been proven wrong....it IS unnerving. So this personal experience adds to empathy for my wife.

We are all suffering , all potentially growing. God help us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 12:44 PM, October 17th (Thursday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3577 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
Topic Posts: 24
Pages: 1 · 2

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