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Newest Member: Gladiator5 (45339)

Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: He can really see me now
catlover50
♀ Member
Member # 37154
Default  Posted: 1:45 PM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's deep, blakesteele!

As we are growing I think it helps to remember that we can't control the forces that molded us as children. We can now try to deal with them the best we can, but those of us who had relatively benign childhoods would be well advised to temper our judgement of other's coping mechanisms. Sometimes those coping mechanisms literally saved those children's lives, and now they know nothing else. I can't even imagine who I would be if I had my H's childhood. In fact, I'm pretty amazed at the man he has managed to become, completely on his own. Especially since he has shown himself willing and able to change.



Dday -9/24/2012
Reconciling

Posts: 1748 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 2:04 PM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great point catlover50! Our MC has pointed that out many times. Our FOO issues served a positive beneficial purpose....it kept us from harm. It is good to recognize how we benefited from them and NOT condemn them.

I have FOO issues, I came from a D family . I am pleased with who I am...just growing and desiring to cope with life using new tools. This is what out MC also says....we need more tools to develop the M we want from this point forward.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3975 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
brokensmile322
♀ Member
Member # 35758
Default  Posted: 5:30 PM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Our FOO issues served a positive beneficial purpose....it kept us from harm.

I have to agree with you Blake. The thing is, when we are a child, we really have no recourse, we deal with what we are dealt the best way we can. Our childlike minds create coping mechanisms to handle unpleasant situations.

Our MC recently was addressing my WH over a FOO coping mechanism he has when dealing with his mother.

My WH tends to treat me the same way as his does his mother when situations arise that resemble his childhood dynamic he had with her. And this behavior is one that triggers a FOO reaction in me.

Our MC simply stated that his coping mechanism he used with his mother is not an effective strategy with his wife, me.

He called to light that he needed to stop using it with me because he is now an adult and adults have choices.

It was a very interesting session.

[This message edited by brokensmile322 at 5:31 PM, October 17th (Thursday)]


Me BS 42 Him WS 44
OW Coworker DDay April 7, 2012
EA on a slippery slope...

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Viktor Frankl

"When you are happy, you can forgive a great deal."


Posts: 1541 | Registered: Jun 2012
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 9:44 PM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((brokensmile322)))

I had that exact exchange with my counselor during an IC session....so good to hear another professional also stated that to your husband!

It was the start of the realization that I am no longer 12 year old blakesteele...and need to start dealing with specific life situations as an adult. My FOO issues also played into my wifes FOO issues...and it has prevented intimacy from really occurring. I am pleased to be aware of this and am working on changing my part of this relationship.

....its still hard....I still struggle....but I was struggling before...now I struggle with a purpose!

God is with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 9:48 PM, October 17th (Thursday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3975 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
Topic Posts: 24
Pages: 1 · 2

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