Others may continue to lie because of fear of deep truths coming out which they may have not told you about, though they claim they 'told you everything'.
They know all the facts, and they have already decided what is relevant and what is not. If they think something is a non-issue, then why muddy the water with something like details that will only burden us, or something that might make them look bad?
I think they firmly believe that if they've confessed the big things, then the lesser stuff doesn't really matter.
I am 4+ years out from DDay, and EVERY time a lie has been newly uncovered, she has sworn that it is the final lie, and that there is nothing else still to be uncovered. EVERY time that has just been one more lie to add to the list. Even now, I know of things she has lied about, and I can't even figure out why, but she has.
me - husband A46
her - wife A42
Married 17 years
D-Day August 2, 2009
3 kids 11, 13, and 15
They lie to look good, to either gain something (like your good will or to gain social standing) or to avoid punishment or reprisal or discomfort.
They lie because they can. They lie in the hopes that we'll be satisfied and that we won't ask more questions.
A WS that claims to want R, but continues to be dishonest doesn't have the right to ask for R.
Until they get it, put your feelings and well-being above their own comfort, R isn't even really on the table.
Therefore, I took the worst possible scenario and believed that.
I think WhiteCarrera has nailed it, at least for how I see it with my husband.
He has always thought he knows better. About that and all sorts of other things. He STILL isn't sure it would help if I knew all. Doesn't matter that I flat out say it's what I need.
It's truly baffling. I guess it's a clusterf**k of thinking they know what we need, being embarassed, worrying that we will finally leave if we know it all and maybe just being assholes on some level (as was suggested to me about my husband)
Yep, it's all that, especially the asshole part. Why would someone not just give it all up if that is what their partner wants? Why hold something back if they really want to make it work.
Ok, I need to take a deep breath. This topic really works me up!
Well, sometimes I knew he lied. Sometimes I found out he lied. But when someone is making fights right and left when you confront a lie, why continue to confront them?
This, FWIW, was one of my clues on the red flag of realization that R was actually...false.
The only thing that stays the same, is change. -M. Etheridge
Then they also are desperate at first, they think they are about to lose the things they really love, their partner, children, home, jobs. Instead of taking the simple route of telling the truth, because they are so used to telling lies already, they think that will be simpler and then they will say whatever they gave to to survive and they don't realise until it's too late the irreparable damage that continuing to lie will cause.
I think this phase can take a year or two, depending on how long it takes the WS to take responsibility. To start to actually try to change. My H appeared to be the poster boy for doing all the right things and he behaved like a total cock actually and kept the lies going for at least a year. Not the A but stupid things. He clearly couldn't break the habit or see the truth would be easier in the long run.
Now a person who is still lying after 9 years, I'm not sure they've ever faced up and tried to break the habit?
[This message edited by Kiwigirl at 3:09 PM, October 16th (Wednesday)]
D-Day 19 April 2012
They can't possibly remember all their lies and so, every so often, year in, year out another pathetic, twisted, nonsensical fallacy is revealed.
Truth is an anathema to them; it would expose their true souls.
I no longer listen to words...I just watch actions. Very little communication is verbal, I watch body language and facial expressions. These demonstrate the truth even when the sounds are lies.
1. He is a controlling abusive man
2. He is trying to hide his core issues (he either is or is almost a BPD/NPD/Psychopath) but failing miserably
3. To manipulate the outcome
I am fighting back finally, so once he runs through his old bag of tricks to get out of telling me the truth and sees they are no longer placating me, he has taken to Stonewalling me. It's disgusting what some people will do to another person they claim to love and care about. When it really matters, his words mean nothing to me, his every action screams the truth and I'm listening now.
I know all situations are different, and that all W/FW are different, but this is why my H still lies while claiming he wants this marriage. Which I guess technically isn't a lie, he does want this marriage, just a disgusting version that suits his needs and hurts me...
Thanks but no thanks!
“I don't want to get to the end of my life and find that I have just lived the length of it. I want to have lived the width of it as well." ~ Diane Ackerman
Basically CYA- cover your ass- as my Dad use to say. They don't think they will be found out either.
White, what you said about WS knowing exactly what happened during the A, and now choosing what is relevant to tell or not tell, is spot on. In my situation, at least, WS still is in control until he comes clean on everything.
I think in my H's case, lying in its many forms (bare-faced lies, omission, twisting of facts, memory loss, denial, believing his own lies)has been part of his coping mechanism for so long that it has become an established part of his character.
I am positive that there are still things that he has not (and will not) own up to - things that happened before I discovered his A. I think in his mind, they are inconsequential. And because he has managed to deny and persuade me that my doubts are unfounded, for so many years now - and because what has happened since (the A) is THE issue to be resolved - he will never own up to any misdemeanours that may have occurred earlier in our relationship. As WhiteCarrera said:
I think they firmly believe that if they've confessed the big things, then the lesser stuff doesn't really matter
Maybe my H he has been telling the truth on those other things - maybe there were no previous misdemeanours. But once someone has proven to be a liar, I really don't know how you can ever 100% believe anything they say any more. Especially if they haven't received counselling/therapy to deal with their issues.
However, I also think that one of the major factors that cause people to lie (especially in my H's case) is that they simply cannot face the truth themselves. I think my H's ego stands in the way of him truly facing the person he really is.
I've been told contradictory things in the same sentence!!They should be politicians!!
Bold face lies are the worst. Phone rings...ask who is it....told "it's my mother"....when actually its the OW....how crazy is that??
It gets to the point where the lies are so obvious, you have to laugh.....I mean really....do you expect anyone to believe that??