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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Another post... Really?
TheAmazingWondertwin
♀ Member
Member # 40769
Default  Posted: 2:10 PM, October 16th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sometimes I feel like I post waaay too much- but here goes.
So after our awkward conversation he called me back.

Here's the gist-
He is afraid to tell me what he really feels about our past issues because I always have the trump card - you cheated.
I explained that we need to address or past issues because this didn't just " happen"
He says that when we do I will just say he's wrong or his feelings were wrong.
I tried to explain that we can't not say things because we are afraid to upset the other one. We are going to disagree, we are going to argue. It's necessary. He asked why we would argue. What? Seriously?
So here's the point. I lied in the beginning of our relationship about my past. We have discussed to and I know he is trying to process some if it. But he has held onto this for so long. In his head, it was our major issue. I don't buy that. His obsession with the information I kept from him was our major issue. I don't know anymore. Yes- I carry guilt for lying to him- about things that really turn out to be nothing and he says he's okay with it now. But he has NEVER trusted me. I realize now that he has ALWAYS treated me like a wayward. With no reason.
Discovering this gave me a whole new perspective on our relationship. I have never cheated. Never even considered it. And he did.

So how do I acknowledge the pain he was in, but still hold onto my justifiable anger over the A?

He says he is not trying to rug sweep or gaslight, but then in his next sentence- it seems like he does. We are both so afraid of saying anything for fear of it being misconstrued as manipulation.

Does anyone else have a piece of the issue that they hold guilt over? How did you incorporate this and acknowledge it and deal with it, without losing sight of the fact that they cheated? I don't want to beat him over the head with it. But when is au I need him to be honest- I guess I am really liking for him to axknowledge how he contributed to our long term issues and how he is changing his perspective. He is sorry for the A- feels disgusted with himself. But I can't help feeling like on some level he does feel justified in it.


Everyday is a new day, some good, some bad.
Me- BS 39
Him- FWS
14 years- 2 middle school children
DDay- 07-24-2013
NC broken from August 6- 24, 2013
Avalanche of Truth on November 14, 2013
Length of A: June 10th to Dday- with broken NC

Posts: 474 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: East Coast
heartache101
♀ Member
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 2:20 PM, October 16th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wonder
He is really rug sweeping trying to make it look like your fault.
Twisting the past to justify his cheating. I dont care if you stomped his big toe it does not excuse him. until he gets it dont let him weasle out if it make him dig as to why.


There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3188 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, October 16th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Right now, IMO, past marital issues are on the back burner.

The two of you are not capable of fixing the M right now, you need to both fix yourselves, individually. I believe ( this is me, so take what you want) that until you have 2 healthy people you cannot fix the marriage.

I would have both of you in IC. Get in a good place emotionally. Then come together and handle the marriage issues/A issues.

Right now he just wants to justify and be right, nobody gets anywhere when right fighting. Put the gloves down, support each other in recovering and ultimately the healing will become easier. It may not be R, but it will provide a clearer path on the direction you need to go in.

PS you can never post too much.


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3850 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
Topic Posts: 3

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