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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: I feel like an asshole
IGaveItMyAll
♂ Member
Member # 38622
Default  Posted: 3:04 PM, October 16th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Year 2 sucks. I go through feeling good about myself and appreciating my wife for the changes she is making.... then BAM trigger = horrible mood, anger, withdrawl, doubt, shes not doing enough, feeling unlovable.

I just sent my wife a text about how unhappy I am with certain parts of our relationship and failed to look at whats going well. This shit totally sets me back ARGH!!! Some of my points are valid but sometimes I feel like I can't trust my feelings because at times they are very unstable.


ME-BS 34
FWW-28
M 6 Yrs
DDAY- 8/20/12
R

Posts: 332 | Registered: Mar 2013
neverdidithink
♀ Member
Member # 40568
Default  Posted: 3:28 PM, October 16th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Share what you said in this post with your wife. We all say too much or too little sometimes, the important thing is to keep the lines of commincation open.


Me: BW 52
Him: WH 55
Married 8 years
4 20-something his and hers kids

Trying to understand the behavior of some people is like trying to smell the color 9


Posts: 316 | Registered: Sep 2013
IGaveItMyAll
♂ Member
Member # 38622
Default  Posted: 3:38 PM, October 16th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Here is what I sent my wife. Her response to this was she feels she is doing her best to meet my needs and work on herself at the same time. She pointed out the things she has done for me throughout the week and mentioned I am focusing on all the negative. I need to look at the positive too:

I think we don't have an emotional and physical connection right now. When was the last time we had an amazing connected heart to heart conversation? when was the last time we made love because our emotions were so high and turned on because we love and wanted each other? I think those 2 things are really important and honestly without them I am worried our marriage is in danger of failing. I made a decision a little while ago to put in what I am getting from you. I can't be the one with my heart on the table saying love me and want me and keep getting shut down. I started pulling away. I know you are on your own path to healing and I understand. That is why I have backed off and away. You say you trust me, love me and want to be with me. But ask yourself this what are you giving to your husband to show you love him? Are you meeting his needs and are you getting yours met? What kind of marriage do you really want? What limits you from having that marriage?

You thinks its all about sex for me well it's not. I need you to step it up on meeting my needs. I am in a relationship with you. I will not be in a one sided relationship meeting all your needs and ignoring my own. Anyway you are my wife. You should want to show me love affection adoration respect sexuality and happiness. Maybe these are the things you need to find in yourself before you can give them to me. I think we should go back to once a week counseling. We can go either alone or together. But I think we can use it. Anyway I really care about you but you are pushing me away and shutting down to me. I am not happy with it.


ME-BS 34
FWW-28
M 6 Yrs
DDAY- 8/20/12
R

Posts: 332 | Registered: Mar 2013
PinkJeepLady
♀ Member
Member # 37575
Default  Posted: 5:18 PM, October 16th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey, you ARE giving it your all! I don't know why the title of your post because I thought what you said sounded logical and reasonable.
I would like to thank you for saying that year 2 sucks, because I think so too! Yeah, there are some good things, but I too want to know just when am I going to feel completely connected again?
I hear you and all I can say is keep on moving and taking care of yourself. You sound like you are hanging in there and I wish you much patience and understanding!


Me: BW-54. Him-FWH 54. DDay June 1st 2012 cheating with prostitutes overseas
R-ing
"Not everything that counts is counted. Not everything that is counted counts." Albert Einstein

Posts: 476 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Out West
IGaveItMyAll
♂ Member
Member # 38622
Default  Posted: 6:07 PM, October 16th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess I feel like an asshole because what I am asking from my wife isn't anything that can be forced. She has to find all that within herself. I feel like an asshole because she is in therapy working on all her personal issues and she reminds me to be patient with her through this process and assures me she is working on becoming healthier and happy. I go through cycles where I am ok and then BAM I am doubting everything. This last week she did a lot for me and I didn't appreciate it. She made dinner for me multiple times, she sent me some really from the heart messages telling me how sexy and attracted she is to me, She looked me in the eyes a few days ago with tears and said thanks for being there for her. She talked to me about how amazing she feels about our marriage and how lucky she is to have me. I was feeling a lot of love from her. Then I trigger and all that is out the window and all I can think is she's not doing enough. I HATE the instability!!


ME-BS 34
FWW-28
M 6 Yrs
DDAY- 8/20/12
R

Posts: 332 | Registered: Mar 2013
crazyblindsided
♀ Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 6:51 PM, October 16th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know what you mean and am guilty of it myself

One of the things I like to do is type out my angry text and just let it sit there don't send it. I swear by the time my episode has passed I don't want to send it and am glad I didn't because it would have been counterproductive. But as another poster pointed out it is important to keep communicating at all costs!

Hang in there!


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
MissesJai
♀ Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 6:55 PM, October 16th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What are you doing for your own healing?


FWW - 41
I'm big on personal responsibility. Own your shit. ALL OF IT.

Posts: 5824 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
IGaveItMyAll
♂ Member
Member # 38622
Default  Posted: 7:13 PM, October 16th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What are you doing for your own healing?
I go to IC once a month. MC once a month. I read, read, read. I listen to self help books on confidence, motivation and inner strength. I go to the gym now, listen to my old music I used to listen to, I started picking up my guitar again. I am working on breaking co-dependant traits. I do a lot of work on a daily basis. Sometimes its just not enough. I have more healing, accepting, forgiving and finding myself to do. It just takes time.


ME-BS 34
FWW-28
M 6 Yrs
DDAY- 8/20/12
R

Posts: 332 | Registered: Mar 2013
IGaveItMyAll
♂ Member
Member # 38622
Default  Posted: 7:14 PM, October 16th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

type out my angry text and just let it sit there don't send it.
I ussually write in a jhournal everyday. Forgot the past 2. I should have before I sent that. Thanks for the advice.


ME-BS 34
FWW-28
M 6 Yrs
DDAY- 8/20/12
R

Posts: 332 | Registered: Mar 2013
Topic Posts: 9

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