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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Did you ever fantasize about others before dday?
standinghere
♂ Member
Member # 34689
Default  Posted: 12:27 AM, October 20th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, many times, about many women, and i have a very active fantasy life. All this precedes my marriage.

But, as another poster said, I have strong boundaries. I have to, because opportunity abounds for me. Even right now, there is a woman who has recently made her interest clear. I just let the unspoken and spoken expressions of interest roll off my back. I'm not bragging, it is worrisome, because of rumor mill behavior. I am surrounded by women all day long, most younger, and I am viewed as a "great catch". It has been hard on my wife because of her insecurities, but I've never touched, never gone to lunch, never grabbed that cup of coffee, never stopped after work. Even meetings for contract work frequently find me with a kid tagging along, or my wife, by my deliberate intent. I schedule things in public places, not in my private office.

There are some of us here *raising hand* who are not fantasy material, physically at least.

Believe it or not, that is not true....you think it is true, but it isn't.


BH - Me - Late 30's (now late 40's)
WW - Her - Late 30's (now late 40's)
4 Children
Her - Love of my life...still is.
Reconciled - Partly...she can't get over it.
Her - Thunderstruck by what she did.

Posts: 936 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: USA
silverhopes
♀ Member
Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 12:38 AM, October 20th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Believe it or not, that is not true....you think it is true, but it isn't.

That's nice of you to say, but I say it because it IS true. I received direct confirmation from Mr Silver (and before I met him, from some of my male friends), who has compared me, many times, quite unfavorably to other women. And I am sure there are other people (both men and women) with similar experiences.

I was angry for a long time, thought he was being unkind. He wasn't. Honesty is a gift. That doesn't mean, "spend forever in self-pity because you're not a bombshell" - what it means is, work on acceptance, and transcend this petty worry about looks. Strive to be something better than a pretty face. Strive to be someone you can control, who is actually a good person. Why does "not the type to be checked out" have to be a bad thing?

[This message edited by silverhopes at 12:41 AM, October 20th (Sunday)]


Find peace. Or sleep on it.

Infidelities are like icebergs - they may take many different shapes and sizes, but they all damage your ship.


Posts: 3901 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
cantaccept
♀ Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 3:38 AM, October 20th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have had men pay attention to me, try to flirt at work.

I guess I just never allowed it to progress. Shut it down with a comment about my h. Then in my head it was done.

The only sexual fantasies I had always were about my h. I just didn't "see" other men in that way. Really I only wanted him and I wanted to be the one he fantasized about. Not that I am some great beauty but that his love for me would be the motivating factor.

He always viewed porn, a lot, before he met me, it was a part of his life.

It bothered me, I tried to tell myself that it was only fantasy, not real. What really hurt was when he would choose it over me. I would search through the history on the computer to try to find what it was that he was drawn to, or I guess to find what I was lacking.

I guess I was wondering several things.
1. does everyone fantasize about others, not there spouse?

2. am I odd, unusual for not?

3. As porn is a fantasy, a disconnect from intimacy does it feel into the fantasizing of "real" people?

4. then, does the fantasizing with the lack of intimacy tie into the acting out, such as an affair

5. Is that a first step? Is that where part of the disconnect happens? Is that one of the ingredients that leads to the devaluation of the spouse?

6. does the fantasy life lead to wishing for what you don't have as opposed to making the most of what you do have?

7. does it cheapen the sexual relationship and lessen the importance of the intimacy between two real people that needs to be nurtured?


Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

Divorced 8/5/14


Posts: 1310 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
summerain
♀ Member
Member # 37439
Default  Posted: 4:11 AM, October 20th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

silverhopes

I hope this is not crossing any guidelines but I wanted to share what wh IC told me.

He said that men would have sexual fantasies about me at least a couple of times a day because "you're very attractive"
(which almost made me die inside, I mean I knew I wasn't BAD looking... but I didn't like that revelation)

Anyway the point is he said that I wouldn't of noticed. Which is true, I barely notice.

THEN and this is the kicker, he said that (and this is the guideline part.. pls let me know if it's not ok cos it is religion) Even if I was wearing a burka, I may not get checked out as much but it's just what a lot of men do!

He said that it's more so men's imagination.

So I don't know if I'm saying the right thing the right way. But I wouldn't worry about not 'being attractive' or 'not getting checked out'

because
1) you probably don't realise how prevalent it is
2) even if you were covered head to toe some man would anyway!
3) different people are attracted to different things

range of emotions there...

"That's nice of you to say, but I say it because it IS true. I received direct confirmation from Mr Silver (and before I met him, from some of my male friends), who has compared me, many times, quite unfavorably to other women. And I am sure there are other people (both men and women) with similar experiences. "

and since this is reconciliation ( i checked) you can insert a few choice words about it

and you are btw 100 percent right about the mind. I am not belittling that

[This message edited by lauren123 at 4:14 AM, October 20th (Sunday)]


OW1 inadvertently let me know WH loves English breakfast tea. Never ever saw him drink it. And I never will.

Posts: 818 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Australia
Marathonwaseasy
♀ Member
Member # 40674
Default  Posted: 6:05 AM, October 20th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have felt the odd frisson with men I know. Pre dday I would have spent time alone with men. I run. I work with men. Now I'm very aware of my boundaries. I did have brief moments of finding men I knew attractive and enjoying their company. Even seeking them out. Could I have gone the next step if pursued? I'd like to think not but our M was a very lonely place for years so who knows?
My main fantasy was a tv character who is very like fwh when we first met. Funny that he knew about this fantasy and was jealous. When really I just wanted him back as he was pre breakdown.


Me BS, 41
Him WS, 45
EA and PA (PA for 11 months)
DDay 13/9/13
3 children - 15,12,3
WS has bipolar, no excuse...

"We're not broken, just bent. We can learn to love again."


Posts: 421 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Ireland
LivinginLimbo
♀ Member
Member # 35004
Default  Posted: 12:28 PM, October 20th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The only men I fantasized about were celebrities. Still, I never had explicit thoughts about George Clooney.

However, since then, I think of past boyfriends and wonder how different my life may have been if I married one of them. Nothing sexual, just imagining what it would be like to have a faithful spouse.


BS - 62
FWH - 60
Married 34 years
D-Day 2/12/12
Doing well with R

Posts: 1019 | Registered: Mar 2012
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 1:25 PM, October 20th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not really - I thought that could be a problem so I trained myself to shift sexual thoughts/feelings about anybody else to my W, sort of like, 'Salma Hayek - wow! Now I want to connect my W!'

The one exception was Sophia Loren. For many years I harbored a wish that Sophia would somehow hear about me and call to invite me for, say, a 2 week visit. I don't regret that it never happened, though....

[This message edited by sisoon at 1:26 PM, October 20th (Sunday)]


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9989 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
StillGoing
♂ Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 6:48 PM, October 20th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Like other actual people? Not since I was a teenager.


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7429 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
standinghere
♂ Member
Member # 34689
Default  Posted: 2:26 AM, October 21st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

because
1) you probably don't realise how prevalent it is
2) even if you were covered head to toe some man would anyway!
3) different people are attracted to different things

She hits the nail right on the head.

Also, I've been in one of those countries where the head coverings are worn, and the dress comes down to the ankles, and the women make sure they get noticed in various ways, including talking very directly to you about what they are looking for when nobody else is around, up to and including sleeping with you, even though they could get arrested for doing so. Why? Because they are human.

who has compared me, many times, quite unfavorably to other women

This is something I never, ever, ever do. Not in my real life, not in my fantasies. The woman who has begun flirting with me recently, one sided, is younger, blonde, long hair, married, and fit looking. But I would never compare my wife to her, because my wife is incomparable.

Despite what she did, she has helped me raise our children, borne and nursed the 4 children, worried at the side of my hospital bed, sat up with me all night while I was racked with pain, rubbed my back when nothing else would help, sat terrified waiting on CAT scan and blood test results, worked hard to take care of our children no matter what, and begged to be forgiven for the hurts she caused.

No other woman, fantasy or flesh and blood, can compare to that.


BH - Me - Late 30's (now late 40's)
WW - Her - Late 30's (now late 40's)
4 Children
Her - Love of my life...still is.
Reconciled - Partly...she can't get over it.
Her - Thunderstruck by what she did.

Posts: 936 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: USA
eachdayisvictory
♀ Member
Member # 40462
Default  Posted: 12:31 PM, October 21st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Standinghere, this;


Despite what she did, she has helped me raise our children, borne and nursed the 4 children, worried at the side of my hospital bed, sat up with me all night while I was racked with pain, rubbed my back when nothing else would help, sat terrified waiting on CAT scan and blood test results, worked hard to take care of our children no matter what, and begged to be forgiven for the hurts she caused.


Holy shit, that is some powerful stuff. I just sat at work and cried and cried when I read that. Maybe not in a good way, maybe in a self-pitying way, or lost-dreams kind of way.

Through all of this, I feel like I have worked so hard to change my thoughts on sex, but the man I knew would have thought the way you described. I miss feeling like I married someone who thought what you wrote.


me, BW: 34
FWH: 35
Dday: Feb 2013
LTA for 2+years
children: 2 boys age 3 and 6
Reconciling

Posts: 378 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nova Scotia, Canada
angerisme
♀ Member
Member # 37672
Default  Posted: 12:34 PM, October 21st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are NOT unusual...I would say you are the NORM. My WH tried to force me to admit to cheating and when i denied it he got FURIOUS. He finally said there was NO way I had been faithful for 20 years. That was the day I knew he was screwed up and there was no hope for him or our marriage.

Posts: 174 | Registered: Dec 2012
Topic Posts: 51
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