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User Topic: Ever feel resentful of the many hours lost to their cheating?
IDeserveMore
♀ Member
Member # 40460
Default  Posted: 6:33 PM, October 16th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well the title says hours but it's probably more like days or weeks.

It's been so consuming and I think of all the time spent:

worrying
crying
talking to family and friends
looking up articles
reading books
being on sites like this one
sitting up with insomnia
talking with the spouse
sitting in couples therapy
sitting staring off into space and daydreaming for a better life

Oh, I'm so sad about it. It's been 9 years. I was 28 and 34 with the 2 DD. Now I'm 44. I'm just grieving how this has consumed me and all else I could have been doing. What a damn waste of my time and my youth.

[This message edited by IDeserveMore at 7:02 PM, October 16th (Wednesday)]


Me (BS) 44, Him 47, kids 13 and 15
DD1 4/99 with an ex, before we got married
DD2 12/04 4mo EA/PA w/OW my age
OW also married w/kids
5 1/2 years of TT, lying, withholding
In R but it's been lame. I think I just stayed for the kids.

Posts: 66 | Registered: Aug 2013
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 6:39 PM, October 16th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For me, it's just all the time away that we should have spent together.

W gave me good reasons for being away, so I didn't resent it so much as it happened.


fBH (me) - 65+, fWW (her) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9773 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
OldCow18
♀ Member
Member # 39670
Default  Posted: 6:50 PM, October 16th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

EXTREMELY resentful!!! His 3 month PA took what will be a 2-5 year chunk out of our lives and we're only 4 months in. His selfishness changed the vibe of this house while my kids are at such a great age, this should have been happy happy busy times, instead? It's all I can do to function and get from A to B. I'm FURIOUS about this. The list of consequences from his A seems endless and the time spent on all the things you said? It's absurd that this is my life right now. UGH!

[This message edited by OldCow18 at 6:51 PM, October 16th (Wednesday)]


Me, BW forty something, DD & DS,
Married to WH (49) 11 years, together 16
D-Day 6.8.13

Posts: 620 | Registered: Jun 2013
Jennifer99
♀ Member
Member # 39551
Default  Posted: 6:52 PM, October 16th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I did. Sort of. I thought of the year he was lost. I thought of the year he was rejected and depressed. I thought of this last year of him being present and me not really happy with that either.

Now I quit thinking about the past. I have learned my lessons. Who knows if he ever will. I'm just looking forward and enjoying the PRESENT.


Posts: 556 | Registered: Jun 2013
mchercheur
♀ Member
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 6:52 PM, October 16th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How about time spent investigating?
Hours & hours trying to find out: who this person is who came into my life, uninvited, & violated me & my kids,
& whether or not WH is still involved with her.

Hours & hours that I could have given my kids.


together 25 yrs, married 24 yrs, 4 children;Rebuilding
D Day: 5/10/2011 PA
OW: WH's co-worker,divorced, no children, 20 yrs younger than I-----& she knew he was married, had met our kids, but that did not stop her from trying to destroy our family

Posts: 1337 | Registered: Dec 2012
heartache101
♀ Member
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 7:01 PM, October 16th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes! I refuse to lose anymore time!


There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3185 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
Drowninginitall
♀ Member
Member # 40968
Default  Posted: 7:01 PM, October 16th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes x5 to all of the above. Our kids were/are at a great age for us to be putting our time and effort into enjoying every second. I feel like H robbed us of so many fun experiences because I sometimes feel like a lunatic just trying to hold on. So much wasted time...

Posts: 103 | Registered: Oct 2013
IDeserveMore
♀ Member
Member # 40460
Default  Posted: 7:12 PM, October 16th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, yeah, thanks mchercheur. Forgot about all the investigating work. I feel pathetic about it now. But it was the only way to get info.

That was hours too. With spyware reports to view :)

My husband says I could work for the CIA. I say, thanks for making me that way.

I'd really rather be reading a book then doing all that crap.


Me (BS) 44, Him 47, kids 13 and 15
DD1 4/99 with an ex, before we got married
DD2 12/04 4mo EA/PA w/OW my age
OW also married w/kids
5 1/2 years of TT, lying, withholding
In R but it's been lame. I think I just stayed for the kids.

Posts: 66 | Registered: Aug 2013
iwillNOT
♀ Member
Member # 40605
Default  Posted: 7:14 PM, October 16th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes! I resent all the time I am spending just to function and try to deal with this crap that he dumped into my life. It sucks that I have consequences for his stupid selfish choices.


Me: BS, 43
Him: WH, 44
Together 21 years
Married 14 years
Kiddos 2,6,8,10
Dday#1 2004, 3 years after EA/PA co-worker MOW
Dday#2 8-6-13, 13 months EA/9months PA with co-worker MOW - caught not confessed
Rugsweep now, pay later. Ask me how I know.

Posts: 472 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest
Deanna
♀ Member
Member # 26854
Default  Posted: 7:30 PM, October 16th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was just thinking that four years ago today was the first time I suspected anything. I walked into a room and they were standing together too close for friends. I asked them, what the hell was going on. Anyway the rest as they say is history.
The point is that I still spend time on this site and I still think about his affair. I resent that I have spent an accumulative amount of about four months worth of eight hour days on this site. I have never had a better marriage but it comes at a high price. Thank you for your post, I needed to vent tonight.


DDay - 11/4/09
BS-49 DDay
fWS-46 DDay
EA/PA with childhood sweetheart/ kissed
R - 11/25/09
Life is not a dress rehearsal

Posts: 1392 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Northeast
ontheslope
♂ Member
Member # 40574
Default  Posted: 7:53 PM, October 16th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes. Absolutely. Especially lately. 2 years of IC, much reading, hard conversations, the distance, the awkwardness.

I want my life back. With her or without her, I want my damned life back. But that time.... that time is lost. Never to be gotten back.


Me: BH, 36
Her: WW, 37
Two girls 8 & 10
Married 12 years
Dday: July, 2009

She wants answers... I'm still trying to figure out what the questions are.


Posts: 269 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Maine, USA
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 8:03 PM, October 16th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Absolutely. It's time that's gone forever. Spilt milk as they say. It can never be recovered. So probably best not to worry about it because the past can never be recovered. It's sad, but so much of life is. We just have to move forward the best we can, whether that involves the WS or not.


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciling


Posts: 1331 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
maddmurph
♂ Member
Member # 40940
Default  Posted: 8:12 PM, October 16th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I totally do. I'm still working through all of it and I'm annoyed of the amount of time I will continue to lose. I'm mostly resentful of the time she has lost with our children and that is putting my time with them at risk as well.


Me - BS, 33
Her - WW, 33
DS 7, DD 3

Posts: 129 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: OH
simplydevastated
♀ Member
Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 8:32 PM, October 16th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Absolutely! I'm five years out and I've spent that time away from my kids and not being the mom they needed me to be. I can never get that time back. I don't know who I should be more upset with, him for doing all this garbage and not trying to fix anything and turning nasty or me for letting it all play out this way.


Me - BS, 39 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS10, DD7
Married, for now... (4+ D-Day - listed in profile.)

Posts: 5842 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
cantlivewithouth
♀ Member
Member # 11939
Default  Posted: 8:39 PM, October 16th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

At first I was resentful of the time, but now it's the money. He spent so much freakin' money on his whores. Money that I earned, but he spent. I have quite a bit of distance now and no kids with the POS XH.


Married a truly wonderful and loving man Sept. 19, 2010. Not only survived, but thrived.

My new mantra: Argue Your Limitations.‎


Posts: 40985 | Registered: Sep 2006 | From: Canada by way of Virginia
kourt090
♀ Member
Member # 34926
Default  Posted: 9:11 PM, October 16th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What kills me is how much more he conversed with her than with me. If you were to compare the number of times he text her with the number of times he text me, our conversations were by far a mere FRACTION of theirs. That upset me. It upset me that he wouldn't carry on a conversation via text with me (we did that in the beginning of our relationship) but they could . . . of course, I wasn't in the habit of "sexting" him like she was . . . maybe that's the big difference . . .

Post DDay, I was angry about the fact that I have to live with HIS choice for the rest of my life. That is something I really beat into his head - he TOOK AWAY MY CHOICE of the type of marriage I wanted to be in, the type of man I wanted to be married to, the type of memories I wanted to have . . . he took that all away from me and in it's place gave me a liar, gave me a cheater, gave me a false idea of the type of marriage I had, gave me scars that will never disappear.

I was angry about how much time he wasted in our marriage by participating in an 8 month A, but then I was also angry at how much time I had to devote to healing. And he forced this on me.

[This message edited by kourt090 at 9:14 PM, October 16th (Wednesday)]


Kourt090

Posts: 292 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Utah
Dreamland
♀ Member
Member # 40488
Default  Posted: 9:21 PM, October 16th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Everyone of you have said something is right on. It's so sad the hours minutes years.. And missing the person I was. I am not the mother or wife I should be. I am lost.


Me-BS 50 Him-WH 47, DD17
Together since 1993, Married 19 yrs
DDay 3/12,4/12,7/12 EA-PA OW - 25 single husband chasing bastard whore

Posts: 515 | Registered: Aug 2013
HeartInADustpan
♀ Member
Member # 38341
Default  Posted: 9:44 PM, October 16th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes.

Nothing more to add.


Just call me Heart. :)
Reconciling
"If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything" ~Mark Twain

Posts: 379 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: St. Louis
LoveActually
♀ Member
Member # 31030
Default  Posted: 9:51 PM, October 16th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes--that's a hard one to swallow for me. I've told him many times how angry I am that I have lost 4.5 years of my life so far trying to heal from something I had no say in, not to mention the fact that this affair will most likely have permanent daily space in my head for the rest of my life solely because of his selfish actions--that's one of the hardest things for me to accept still.


BS (Me)
WS (Him)
D-Day 5/29/09
Married 11 yrs, together 16 yrs

Posts: 763 | Registered: Jan 2011
sad34
♀ Member
Member # 40358
Default  Posted: 9:54 PM, October 16th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It didn't just take time it took a part of me along with it that I will never get back. I'm worse not better:( my life feels destroyed!


Bs: me 32 WH: 36
Dday: July 2012
LTA: 4years (ea, pa)
Dd-4. Ds-2
My life is shattered unsure about R

Posts: 138 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: canada
Topic Posts: 42
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