Cookies are required for login or registration. Please read and agree to our cookie policy to continue.

Newest Member: LonelyandUnsure

General :
Ever feel resentful of the many hours lost to their cheating?

This Topic is Archived
default

 IDeserveMore (original poster member #40460) posted at 12:33 AM on Thursday, October 17th, 2013

Well the title says hours but it's probably more like days or weeks.

It's been so consuming and I think of all the time spent:

worrying

crying

talking to family and friends

looking up articles

reading books

being on sites like this one

sitting up with insomnia

talking with the spouse

sitting in couples therapy

sitting staring off into space and daydreaming for a better life

Oh, I'm so sad about it. It's been 9 years. I was 28 and 34 with the 2 DD. Now I'm 44. I'm just grieving how this has consumed me and all else I could have been doing. What a damn waste of my time and my youth.

[This message edited by IDeserveMore at 7:02 PM, October 16th (Wednesday)]

Me 54, WH 57, 25yo DD, 23yo DS. DD#1 1998 followed by 1 year of blatant denialDD#2 2004 followed by 6 YEARS OF TT. Do I win for the longest TT on this site? Divorced and so very happy!

posts: 366   ·   registered: Aug. 28th, 2013   ·   location: Pacific Northwest
id 6526281
default

sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 12:39 AM on Thursday, October 17th, 2013

For me, it's just all the time away that we should have spent together.

W gave me good reasons for being away, so I didn't resent it so much as it happened.

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex apDDay - 12/22/2010Recover'd and R'edYou don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 31131   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 6526287
default

OldCow18 ( member #39670) posted at 12:50 AM on Thursday, October 17th, 2013

EXTREMELY resentful!!! His 3 month PA took what will be a 2-5 year chunk out of our lives and we're only 4 months in. His selfishness changed the vibe of this house while my kids are at such a great age, this should have been happy happy busy times, instead? It's all I can do to function and get from A to B. I'm FURIOUS about this. The list of consequences from his A seems endless and the time spent on all the things you said? It's absurd that this is my life right now. UGH!

[This message edited by OldCow18 at 6:51 PM, October 16th (Wednesday)]

Me, BW forty something, DD & DS,
Married to WH (49) 11 years, together 16
D-Day 6.8.13

posts: 620   ·   registered: Jun. 26th, 2013
id 6526301
default

Jennifer99 ( member #39551) posted at 12:52 AM on Thursday, October 17th, 2013

I did. Sort of. I thought of the year he was lost. I thought of the year he was rejected and depressed. I thought of this last year of him being present and me not really happy with that either.

Now I quit thinking about the past. I have learned my lessons. Who knows if he ever will. I'm just looking forward and enjoying the PRESENT.

posts: 557   ·   registered: Jun. 14th, 2013
id 6526307
default

mchercheur ( member #37735) posted at 12:52 AM on Thursday, October 17th, 2013

How about time spent investigating?

Hours & hours trying to find out: who this person is who came into my life, uninvited, & violated me & my kids,

& whether or not WH is still involved with her.

Hours & hours that I could have given my kids.

Me: BW; Him: WH --Had 10 mo. EA/ PA with COW; Dday 5/2011 Married 35 years/Together 36 years/4 kids together, and 1 grandbaby; OW 20 years younger than us/divorced no kids Trying to R; don't know what the final outcome will be

posts: 2687   ·   registered: Dec. 7th, 2012
id 6526310
default

heartache101 ( member #26465) posted at 1:01 AM on Thursday, October 17th, 2013

Yes! I refuse to lose anymore time!

There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

posts: 3225   ·   registered: Dec. 8th, 2009   ·   location: Indiana
id 6526322
default

Drowninginitall ( member #40968) posted at 1:01 AM on Thursday, October 17th, 2013

Yes x5 to all of the above. Our kids were/are at a great age for us to be putting our time and effort into enjoying every second. I feel like H robbed us of so many fun experiences because I sometimes feel like a lunatic just trying to hold on. So much wasted time...

BW 44
DDay 10/2013, 4/2014, 6/2014
With a whole lot of TT, lies, gas lighting and false R in between.
3 DC
DIVORCED 5/16

posts: 280   ·   registered: Oct. 13th, 2013
id 6526323
default

 IDeserveMore (original poster member #40460) posted at 1:12 AM on Thursday, October 17th, 2013

Oh, yeah, thanks mchercheur. Forgot about all the investigating work. I feel pathetic about it now. But it was the only way to get info.

That was hours too. With spyware reports to view :)

My husband says I could work for the CIA. I say, thanks for making me that way.

I'd really rather be reading a book then doing all that crap.

Me 54, WH 57, 25yo DD, 23yo DS. DD#1 1998 followed by 1 year of blatant denialDD#2 2004 followed by 6 YEARS OF TT. Do I win for the longest TT on this site? Divorced and so very happy!

posts: 366   ·   registered: Aug. 28th, 2013   ·   location: Pacific Northwest
id 6526340
default

iwillNOT ( member #40605) posted at 1:14 AM on Thursday, October 17th, 2013

Yes! I resent all the time I am spending just to function and try to deal with this crap that he dumped into my life. It sucks that I have consequences for his stupid selfish choices.

Me: BS, 46
Him: WH, 47
Together 24 years
4 amazing kids
Dday#1 2004, 3 years after EA/PA co-worker MOW
Dday#2 8-6-13, 13 months EA/9months PA with co-worker MOW - caught not confessed
Choosing myself daily and R almost every

posts: 702   ·   registered: Sep. 9th, 2013   ·   location: Midwest
id 6526346
default

Deanna ( member #26854) posted at 1:30 AM on Thursday, October 17th, 2013

I was just thinking that four years ago today was the first time I suspected anything. I walked into a room and they were standing together too close for friends. I asked them, what the hell was going on. Anyway the rest as they say is history.

The point is that I still spend time on this site and I still think about his affair. I resent that I have spent an accumulative amount of about four months worth of eight hour days on this site. I have never had a better marriage but it comes at a high price. Thank you for your post, I needed to vent tonight.

DDay - 11/4/09
BS-49 DDay
fWS-46 DDay
EA/PA with childhood sweetheart/ kissed
R - 11/25/09
Life is not a dress rehearsal

posts: 1673   ·   registered: Dec. 19th, 2009   ·   location: Northeast
id 6526371
default

ontheslope ( member #40574) posted at 1:53 AM on Thursday, October 17th, 2013

Yes. Absolutely. Especially lately. 2 years of IC, much reading, hard conversations, the distance, the awkwardness.

I want my life back. With her or without her, I want my damned life back. But that time.... that time is lost. Never to be gotten back.

Me: BH, 40, separated
Her: STBXWW, 41
Two girls 12 & 14
Married 12 years
Dday: July, 2009

She wants answers... I'm still trying to figure out what the questions are.

posts: 329   ·   registered: Sep. 6th, 2013   ·   location: Maine, USA
id 6526401
default

Sal1995 ( member #39099) posted at 2:03 AM on Thursday, October 17th, 2013

Absolutely. It's time that's gone forever. Spilt milk as they say. It can never be recovered. So probably best not to worry about it because the past can never be recovered. It's sad, but so much of life is. We just have to move forward the best we can, whether that involves the WS or not.

BH
Reconciled

posts: 1995   ·   registered: Apr. 26th, 2013   ·   location: Southwest
id 6526408
default

maddmurph ( member #40940) posted at 2:12 AM on Thursday, October 17th, 2013

I totally do. I'm still working through all of it and I'm annoyed of the amount of time I will continue to lose. I'm mostly resentful of the time she has lost with our children and that is putting my time with them at risk as well.

Me - BS, 33
Her - WW, 33
DS 7, DD 3

posts: 129   ·   registered: Oct. 10th, 2013   ·   location: OH
id 6526417
default

simplydevastated ( member #25001) posted at 2:32 AM on Thursday, October 17th, 2013

Absolutely! I'm five years out and I've spent that time away from my kids and not being the mom they needed me to be. I can never get that time back. I don't know who I should be more upset with, him for doing all this garbage and not trying to fix anything and turning nasty or me for letting it all play out this way.

Me - BS, 40 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS11, DD8
Getting my ducks in a row for divorce... finally (4+ D-Days too many - listed in profile.)

posts: 6121   ·   registered: Jul. 31st, 2009   ·   location: In the darkest depths of hell!
id 6526443
default

cantlivewithouth ( member #11939) posted at 2:39 AM on Thursday, October 17th, 2013

At first I was resentful of the time, but now it's the money. He spent so much freakin' money on his whores. Money that I earned, but he spent. I have quite a bit of distance now and no kids with the POS XH.

Married a truly wonderful and loving man Sept. 19, 2010. Not only survived, but thrived.

My new mantra: Argue Your Limitations.‎

posts: 40994   ·   registered: Sep. 5th, 2006   ·   location: Canada by way of Virginia
id 6526451
default

kourt090 ( member #34926) posted at 3:11 AM on Thursday, October 17th, 2013

What kills me is how much more he conversed with her than with me. If you were to compare the number of times he text her with the number of times he text me, our conversations were by far a mere FRACTION of theirs. That upset me. It upset me that he wouldn't carry on a conversation via text with me (we did that in the beginning of our relationship) but they could . . . of course, I wasn't in the habit of "sexting" him like she was . . . maybe that's the big difference . . .

Post DDay, I was angry about the fact that I have to live with HIS choice for the rest of my life. That is something I really beat into his head - he TOOK AWAY MY CHOICE of the type of marriage I wanted to be in, the type of man I wanted to be married to, the type of memories I wanted to have . . . he took that all away from me and in it's place gave me a liar, gave me a cheater, gave me a false idea of the type of marriage I had, gave me scars that will never disappear.

I was angry about how much time he wasted in our marriage by participating in an 8 month A, but then I was also angry at how much time I had to devote to healing. And he forced this on me.

[This message edited by kourt090 at 9:14 PM, October 16th (Wednesday)]

Kourt090

posts: 310   ·   registered: Feb. 27th, 2012   ·   location: Utah
id 6526481
default

Dreamland ( member #40488) posted at 3:21 AM on Thursday, October 17th, 2013

Everyone of you have said something is right on. It's so sad the hours minutes years.. And missing the person I was. I am not the mother or wife I should be. I am lost.

Me-BS 50 Him-WH 47, DD17
Together since 1993, Married 19 yrs
DDay 3/12,4/12,7/12 EA-PA OW - 25 single husband chasing bastard whore

posts: 515   ·   registered: Aug. 29th, 2013
id 6526490
default

HeartInADustpan ( member #38341) posted at 3:44 AM on Thursday, October 17th, 2013

Yes.

Nothing more to add.

Just call me Heart. :)
Reconciling
"If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything" ~Mark Twain

posts: 379   ·   registered: Feb. 4th, 2013   ·   location: St. Louis
id 6526505
default

LoveActually ( member #31030) posted at 3:51 AM on Thursday, October 17th, 2013

Yes--that's a hard one to swallow for me. I've told him many times how angry I am that I have lost 4.5 years of my life so far trying to heal from something I had no say in, not to mention the fact that this affair will most likely have permanent daily space in my head for the rest of my life solely because of his selfish actions--that's one of the hardest things for me to accept still.

BS (Me) WS (Him) D-Day 5/29/09Married 15 yrs, together 20 yrs

posts: 862   ·   registered: Jan. 30th, 2011
id 6526523
default

sad34 ( member #40358) posted at 3:54 AM on Thursday, October 17th, 2013

It didn't just take time it took a part of me along with it that I will never get back. I'm worse not better:( my life feels destroyed!

Bs: me 32 WH: 36
Dday: July 2012
LTA: 4years (ea, pa)
Dd-4. Ds-2
My life is shattered unsure about R

posts: 142   ·   registered: Aug. 18th, 2013   ·   location: canada
id 6526528
This Topic is Archived
Cookies on SurvivingInfidelity.com®

SurvivingInfidelity.com® uses cookies to enhance your visit to our website. This is a requirement for participants to login, post and use other features. Visitors may opt out, but the website will be less functional for you.

v.1.001.20250404a 2002-2025 SurvivingInfidelity.com® All Rights Reserved. • Privacy Policy