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User Topic: Ever feel resentful of the many hours lost to their cheating?
♀ Member
Member # 39409
Default  Posted: 9:58 PM, October 16th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Kourt: exactly! When I look at the phone records of the time of his affair, the sheer number of texts between him and d-bag are astounding! Where they were texting up to 180 times a day, I might get 10 between us. And I saw that he would be on the phone with her, my number would show up for 1 minute, then he would call her after and talk for 30 minutes. Sheesh, I was so blind.

Me: BS-42
Hubby: FWS-42
OW: former friend of mine
EA from ? to 3-15-12
3 DD, 1 DS
Time heals all wounds-I do not agree.

Posts: 92 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Texas
♀ Member
Member # 26284
Default  Posted: 10:00 PM, October 16th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LoveActually -- ditto!!

On Dday -BS-me 41 FWS-him 42
Married 19 years 3 kids (16,13,9)
D-Day 10/2/09- TT til Feb. 2010

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken.” -CS Lewis

Posts: 1039 | Registered: Nov 2009
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 10:00 PM, October 16th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm resentful of losing two decades of my life. Bastard stole the last of my youth. I thank God for my children, but dammit, I wish I'd have been able to get them from a sperm bank rather than have had to endure the nightmare of being with their father.

Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011

Posts: 9319 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
♀ Member
Member # 40684
Default  Posted: 6:20 AM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Very. I think of the actually A. It didn't last that long (mainly because I caught it early on) but the whole time it was going on I was extremely sick. One of the weekends he was gone "with his friends" I was so ill I was to weak to stand. I had to crawl around and use the counter/furniture to pull myself up to standing in order to do things. I was taking care of our 4 young children as well. Not a care in the world hes gone ALL DAY supposedly "with friends". Messed up in so many ways..

Then after DDay Ive spent so much of my time so depressed. Im mad that hes taken the joy and time that I could have had with our children. Instead of spending time building bonds as a family we are barely functioning.

Honestly, I think Im more hurt and sad than mad.

BS: Me (30)
WS: Husband (31)
Married 8 years, together 9
D-Day: Sept 10, 2013
D-Day2: May 31, 2014
Children: 5, ages 7, 5, 3, 1 and due in September

Leaning towards leaving, no one deserves this pain.

Posts: 204 | Registered: Sep 2013
♀ Member
Member # 35417
Default  Posted: 6:22 AM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel the same.

But, also, I'm so mad about the loss of sex. I'm 60 years old. I have decided to stay. We do not have sex (for years now) and I see no change in this situation.

I will not cheat, and should something happen to him - death - before me, I am too old to start a new relationship.

So...I am done having sex. What a sad shame!

"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy

Posts: 1858 | Registered: Apr 2012
♀ Member
Member # 36671
Default  Posted: 7:23 AM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Me too and especially as out of a 37 year marriage, he has been unfaithful for more than two-thirds of it...

The texting: this is a major bone of contention. He refuses and refuses to let me see the bills. He says that (with the 'love of his life ') there were thousands and thousands of texts. He hardly ever ever texts me. Never really has. Only football scores or when he's leaving the office.

Theirs was a sexting/texting relationship that included photos of their 'bits' and their desires. I wanted to know (and still do) where I was during all of this. He's just shit scared of my reaction. If he would have let me see the bills when I first found out, it would have been much easier and would have been subsumed in the rest of the horror. Now it's like a festering sore. I will never forgive him for this.

WS had two LTAs of 10 years and 12 years; further 8/9 affairs; EAs, 2 OC. Looks horrific but he is fully immersed in trying to find the 'broken.' It's on-going and painful. If there's a blue sky and sunshine, then it's a good day.

Posts: 165 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: UK
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 7:40 AM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What kills me is how much more he conversed with her than with me. If you were to compare the number of times he text her with the number of times he text me, our conversations were by far a mere FRACTION of theirs

same here. I don't give a shit that he kissed them. I do give a shit that all I asked of him is time and he gave it to them, during the day, while he was home with me, saying he was out with friends when he was really out with them.... UGH!!

[This message edited by rachelc at 7:40 AM, October 17th (Thursday)]

his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me: 48
him: 51
4 kiddos in lower 20's

“Slide the weight from your shoulders and move forward. You are afraid you might forget, but you never will. You will forgive and remember."

Posts: 4537 | Registered: Dec 2010
♀ Member
Member # 38421
Default  Posted: 8:14 AM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FURIOUS! Time he spent texting/sexting her & her him-15,000+ texts in 3 months! One right after the other ad nauseum, night & day the man could not have been working. Time he spent each morning calling her to start his day. Most days a 45 minute to 1 hour chunk. Time he spent in the office with her "working"-(ahem). Time he spent he screwing her. I was begging for hi to be present at home more with me & the kids. I was lonely & he told me they were so busy at work. He HAD to be there & he couldn't be here! Yeah. Right. Now I'm in this place I don't want to be and my kids are right there with me trying to recover from this hell. Makes me sick. Oh yeah' and the money he spent on clothes and Viagra. Grrrrrrrr!

Me: BS 53 Him: WH 51
M: 28 years
DDay 11/25/12 TT 9/9/13
OW:20 yrs younger McOW
Kids: 2 teens

Posts: 184 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Dark Hell
♀ Member
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 8:14 AM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, everyday when I come on SI it reminds me that this is my life now. He spent literally all day at work texting her and calling her. I don't know how they got any work done. Then he would text her at home and on his way to work and on his way home. The number of text/phone calls was just mind boggling to me. He always kept our conversations brief and never texted me, EVER!!!

Also the fact he had her living in our home while I was working out of state during the week and when I got home on the weekends he always had something he wanted to go do without me, he was with her. He did this for 3yrs (2yr LTA and 1yr FR). There is nothing I can do to get this time back and like a previous poster he did it at a time when I was also very ill. It just makes me to know how little he actually was giving to our marriage and to me. Even now when we go places and do things together I am reminded that he did the same things with the OW. I sometimes feel like my whole life for the last 4yrs has been consumed with his A and his selfish behaviors. I try to remind myself that he is sorry it happened and he now spends all his free time with me, but the triggers are never ending. It makes me very sad that this is my marriage now and that it will always be tainted by what he did and I will never forgive him for it.

M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
♀ Member
Member # 38020
Default  Posted: 9:39 AM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's hard NOT to be resentful, especially when I know how much time I have spent and I don't feel that he has put in the same amount of time.

It almost feels like he committed a crime, we BOTH got sent to jail, and he gets an earlier release date. Then, anytime when he comes and visits me in prision and I remind him that I am there because of something HE chose to do, he gets angry at me for bringing it up.

I have been cheated on by 3 different men, and I have more DDays than anyone ever should. I am here, just trying to pickup the pieces.

At least the current man "only" cyber-cheated.

"Love means never having to say you're sorry."

Posts: 840 | Registered: Jan 2013
♀ Member
Member # 40460
Default  Posted: 9:58 AM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BeyondBreaking, PERFECT ANALOGY!

That's exactly how I feel. Within a year of DD, he was all "whew, ok, I'm good" and then I've just gone on for all these years...

Me (BS) 44, Him 47, kids 13 and 15
DD1 4/99 with an ex, before we got married
DD2 12/04 4mo EA/PA w/OW my age
OW also married w/kids
5 1/2 years of TT, lying, withholding
In R but it's been lame. I think I just stayed for the kids.

Posts: 66 | Registered: Aug 2013
♀ Member
Member # 40379
Default  Posted: 10:32 AM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've often thought about the wasted time. Even down to time when I'm just clean depressed, unable to think clearly about being with my kids or our shop business WH and I run together. Sitting in our shop choking back tears because "I know" he's off visiting one of his many OW (just smile and wave...). Reading up on SA, chasing him around the internet, the agony of reading through endless, painful screenshots on the keylogger, phonecalls, emails and texts with OW asking them to stay away (none of whom even knew he was married). And knowing how much time (and money) HE has wasted, when he should/could have been doing something constructive, actually "living".

Can't get that time back, only move forward.

Me 44 (BS)
Him 52 (SAWH)
DDay (too many to mention), but 1st 06/2011
Children - two, mine from my previous marriage
Final straw 6/6/14

You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think (A A Milne)

Posts: 190 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: England
♀ Member
Member # 40798
Default  Posted: 8:59 AM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When I read these posts it makes me think about all of the short phone calls and texts I would get. Then he would spend up to three or four hours chatting on line with her when he was out of town. Always tired at night so quick chats with me and then wham! Up goes the laptop lid and he's in another marathon chat session ! Some days I can barely breath I'm so devastated by the time he robbed from us.

Me: 56
Him: 60
Together 2 1/2 years

Living together 14 months
D day May 13th 2013

Posts: 192 | Registered: Sep 2013
♀ Member
Member # 40798
Default  Posted: 5:18 PM, October 19th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Anyone here ever use Discover It? It's a program that searches for porn and chat logs on a computer.

Me: 56
Him: 60
Together 2 1/2 years

Living together 14 months
D day May 13th 2013

Posts: 192 | Registered: Sep 2013
solus sto
♀ Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 11:44 PM, October 19th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes. 30 years of my life was a lie. Resentment was my middle name for quite a while.

After that, I was angry at *myself* for "allowing" this waste of time, my life. Driving home from work today, I had the revelation that this anger wad soo perverse; I have had more compassion for the man who robbed me of life--unbeknownst to me-- than for myself. Twisted.

No more. The past can't be undone, and I'm not losing any more time to this idiocy.

BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 52, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8350 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
♀ New Member
Member # 40830
Default  Posted: 12:10 AM, October 20th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So true. My husband spent an hour or so and ~$200 on a prostitute. We're six weeks out and I've spent at least 100x more time and multiples of the money on trying to deal with this. This will be one hell of an expensive prostitute, and my life...well, I don't even know how reconciliation will really go despite how much I love him if I am bitter and angry and distressed for such a significant time for the rest of my life.

Plus, what someone on the first page said...his HOURS of daily porn consumption...when he could have been with the family...I feel like so much of my life has been and will be wasted due to this. I constantly wonder what I've done in my life to deserve this hell...

Me: BS (29) Him: SAWH (30)
HS Sweethearts, WAS each other's 1st/onlys. 1 child & 8 months pregnant when he hired prostitute/confessed.
D-Day: September 1, 2013
Shocked, disgusted, and struggling.

Posts: 34 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: United States
♀ Member
Member # 39126
Default  Posted: 6:47 AM, October 20th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, and at only six months out, for all the difficult hours yet to come in this long process of healing.

BS me 46
WS him 49
Married almost 25 yrs, together almost 30
2 DD 18 & 13
Dday #1 14/4/13
TT until Dday #2 28/4/13
Living one day at a time

Posts: 56 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
♀ Member
Member # 37629
Default  Posted: 7:27 AM, October 20th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yep. Married 45 yrs and almost 30 I put up with his crap! Wasted. Sometimes I am more angry at myself for putting up with it. If he didn't put me down enough I think less of myself now becuz I allowed him to be an ass to me and kids. Ugh!!!

BS 64
fWH 64
PA 22 yrs ago
Started as EA for 2 yrs then ONS CORRECTION Started as an EA for 8 years

Posts: 170 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: US
♀ Member
Member # 33202
Default  Posted: 8:31 AM, October 20th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is just one of the many issues that permeate this "Affair Land".

BB is right:

It's hard NOT to be resentful, especially when I know how much time I have spent and I don't feel that he has put in the same amount of time.

How dare he? All that time he was plotting, lying, disappearing for hours to text, out of phone contact, angry with me for no reason, let alone the actual physical time.

I resent every minute of it and he will never make it up to me. He tries. We have been on wonderful trips. Our time together is meaningful and the M is in good shape. But there is always this nasty cloud hanging around of time and money wasted. It's all so sad.

Posts: 704 | Registered: Aug 2011
♀ Member
Member # 40761
Default  Posted: 10:51 AM, October 20th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For me, it's just all the time away that we should have spent together.

not only all the time spent trying to repair the bullshit (maybe because in my case there's not a whole lot of that) what really bothers me is the time he spent with OW when it should have been spent on us and his children.

me: BS 39 | stbxWH: 46
DD14, DS2
DDAY: Aug12... A continued "underground"
Separated Nov13- OC due June14

Posts: 118 | Registered: Sep 2013
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