“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken.” -CS Lewis

Then after DDay Ive spent so much of my time so depressed. Im mad that hes taken the joy and time that I could have had with our children. Instead of spending time building bonds as a family we are barely functioning.

Honestly, I think Im more hurt and sad than mad.

But, also, I'm so mad about the loss of sex. I'm 60 years old. I have decided to stay. We do not have sex (for years now) and I see no change in this situation.

I will not cheat, and should something happen to him - death - before me, I am too old to start a new relationship.

So...I am done having sex. What a sad shame!

The texting: this is a major bone of contention. He refuses and refuses to let me see the bills. He says that (with the 'love of his life ') there were thousands and thousands of texts. He hardly ever ever texts me. Never really has. Only football scores or when he's leaving the office.

Theirs was a sexting/texting relationship that included photos of their 'bits' and their desires. I wanted to know (and still do) where I was during all of this. He's just shit scared of my reaction. If he would have let me see the bills when I first found out, it would have been much easier and would have been subsumed in the rest of the horror. Now it's like a festering sore. I will never forgive him for this.

What kills me is how much more he conversed with her than with me. If you were to compare the number of times he text her with the number of times he text me, our conversations were by far a mere FRACTION of theirs

same here. I don't give a shit that he kissed them. I do give a shit that all I asked of him is time and he gave it to them, during the day, while he was home with me, saying he was out with friends when he was really out with them.... UGH!!

[This message edited by rachelc at 7:40 AM, October 17th (Thursday)]

Also the fact he had her living in our home while I was working out of state during the week and when I got home on the weekends he always had something he wanted to go do without me, he was with her. He did this for 3yrs (2yr LTA and 1yr FR). There is nothing I can do to get this time back and like a previous poster he did it at a time when I was also very ill. It just makes me to know how little he actually was giving to our marriage and to me. Even now when we go places and do things together I am reminded that he did the same things with the OW. I sometimes feel like my whole life for the last 4yrs has been consumed with his A and his selfish behaviors. I try to remind myself that he is sorry it happened and he now spends all his free time with me, but the triggers are never ending. It makes me very sad that this is my marriage now and that it will always be tainted by what he did and I will never forgive him for it.

It almost feels like he committed a crime, we BOTH got sent to jail, and he gets an earlier release date. Then, anytime when he comes and visits me in prision and I remind him that I am there because of something HE chose to do, he gets angry at me for bringing it up.

That's exactly how I feel. Within a year of DD, he was all "whew, ok, I'm good" and then I've just gone on for all these years...

Can't get that time back, only move forward.

Living together 14 months
D day May 13th 2013
R

Living together 14 months
D day May 13th 2013
R

After that, I was angry at *myself* for "allowing" this waste of time, my life. Driving home from work today, I had the revelation that this anger wad soo perverse; I have had more compassion for the man who robbed me of life--unbeknownst to me-- than for myself. Twisted.

No more. The past can't be undone, and I'm not losing any more time to this idiocy.

Plus, what someone on the first page said...his HOURS of daily porn consumption...when he could have been with the family...I feel like so much of my life has been and will be wasted due to this. I constantly wonder what I've done in my life to deserve this hell...

BB is right:

It's hard NOT to be resentful, especially when I know how much time I have spent and I don't feel that he has put in the same amount of time.

How dare he? All that time he was plotting, lying, disappearing for hours to text, out of phone contact, angry with me for no reason, let alone the actual physical time.

I resent every minute of it and he will never make it up to me. He tries. We have been on wonderful trips. Our time together is meaningful and the M is in good shape. But there is always this nasty cloud hanging around of time and money wasted. It's all so sad.

For me, it's just all the time away that we should have spent together.

not only all the time spent trying to repair the bullshit (maybe because in my case there's not a whole lot of that) what really bothers me is the time he spent with OW when it should have been spent on us and his children.