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User Topic: Today and tomorrow are going to suck
maddmurph
♂ Member
Member # 40940
Default  Posted: 7:23 AM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Today we are going to our first MC appointment. She chose the counselor and the time. So that's good. That was something I required from her. I'm still scared about it. I'm scared she won't go tonight or find some reason not to go to another session. Then I will have to put my foot down and bring in a lawyer. I also have to deal with her being at work. The place where she met him. The place that I hate. The place she won't stop working at, but supposedly he doesn't work at anymore. (I have verified that, not taking her word.)

Tomorrow I sneak out and meet with a lawyer. That's going to be hard. I have NEVER snuck around behind her back for anything. The guilt will just wrack me. I don't want her to know that I went, mostly to hold it back as a trump card. Maybe to just not piss her off. Her texts say that she is planning a girls night out with the girls from work (same work I hate) but she hasn't said anything to me about it. I'm sure when she leaves for that I will mention that she can have as many girls nights out after the D. Just as a threat.


Me - BS, 33
Her - WW, 33
DS 7, DD 3

Posts: 129 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: OH
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 7:31 AM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MC is tough madmurph, but it is also tougher with a spouse that isn't into it and doesn't get it.

Can I just make one suggestion? Don't make threats you are not willing to back up. Get a plan in order, list your deal breakers and follow through with the consequences. Otherwise they mean nothing and she will know that.

If she is considering girls nights right now I would be furious too, girls night, IMO, is over after an A. It should be a no brainer for her.

No guilt needed with seeing the atty. You are fighting for your life, your marriage and your family. If she isn't taking this fight seriously and doesn't wish to do all she can your only option is to protect you.

I am sorry she is being such an ass :( stay strong, you will be ok.


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3768 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
HeartInADustpan
♀ Member
Member # 38341
Default  Posted: 7:32 AM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hope MC goes well for you both. Knowing your legal rights can be a relief too.

Sending strength!


Just call me Heart. :)
Reconciling
"If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything" ~Mark Twain

Posts: 379 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: St. Louis
maddmurph
♂ Member
Member # 40940
Default  Posted: 7:34 AM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To be fair to her, she started planning the girls night out before DDay. She just hasn't canceled it. She went to book club last night.

My issue is I don't want her going any where because I don't trust her. I can't keep her locked up either.


Me - BS, 33
Her - WW, 33
DS 7, DD 3

Posts: 129 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: OH
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 7:37 AM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You don't have to keep her locked up. If she felt bad at all for what she has done and if she wanted to do right she would cancel her girls night...

To be fair to her,

^^ you were not being unfair to her. She needs to do some heavy lifting...don't find excuses for her behavior.
ETA:
My issue is I don't want her going any where because I don't trust her. I can't keep her locked up either

^^^ we are 6 years out, have R'd. My husband has not once asked for a guys night since the A. I never told him he "couldn't". He wanted to do what I needed to make me feel safe, she should be doing the same. It's ok for you to communicate your fears to her about this. She can make her own choice, she is not your child. It is a huge sign as to which choice she makes once she knows your feelings, IMO.

[This message edited by karmahappens at 7:40 AM, October 17th (Thursday)]


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3768 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
LifeisCrazy
♂ Member
Member # 38287
Default  Posted: 7:40 AM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As you have read from my posts I am all in favor of being a strong BS. It is, of course, very difficult in the wake of an affair but, hopefully, the combination of anger, hurt and prompts from those of us on this board encourage you to maintain your mental focus.

She does NOT get to continue an affair. And, in my opinion, it's ok to make that condition #1 in your MC. It's also ok to lay out your demands so that a third party can back them up - after all, your demands are not, and should not be unreasonable.

Overall the question is simple: "Do you want to stay in this marriage?"

If the answer is "I don't know" or, certainly, "No," then it's a no-brainer. Get out until you decide because you have too much love for yourself to be the third wheel in your own marriage.

If it's "yes" then she has to meet certain requirements. And have them ready to lay out.

Your first MC session is not to improve your communication, work on your marriage, figure out who's at fault.... if you go down that road NOW you're going to leave absolutely miserable.

Today is your time to have your wife make a decision. In or out?

Have strength, Murph.


"Pain is temporary. Quitting is forever."

Posts: 158 | Registered: Jan 2013
LifeisCrazy
♂ Member
Member # 38287
Default  Posted: 7:42 AM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry we crossed posts but to back up what Karma posted - my WW wouldn't go out without me for ANY reason. Period.

She knows what going out "on her own" does to me. It's not even a question on the table.

She wants to go out? Fine. "Stay out."


"Pain is temporary. Quitting is forever."

Posts: 158 | Registered: Jan 2013
maddmurph
♂ Member
Member # 40940
Default  Posted: 7:50 AM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your first MC session is not to improve your communication, work on your marriage, figure out who's at fault.... if you go down that road NOW you're going to leave absolutely miserable.

What is it for then? I have read what should happen, the post that was up yesterday. But beyond that I don't know what to expect.

She does NOT get to continue an affair.

I have said that. I perhaps didn't say that she can't go out with her friends.


Me - BS, 33
Her - WW, 33
DS 7, DD 3

Posts: 129 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: OH
heartache101
♀ Member
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 8:05 AM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh I remember my spouse joining a chess club and taking up umpiring. It tore me up I wasnt allowed time for myself. Had no money and he would not watch the kids nor did I trust him Knowing what I do now I should of packed his bags but I was young and naive believed in love.
My opinion let her go. Make sure you tell her she goes out you go out. Dont sit at home like I did.
I am sorry.


There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3184 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
TrustGone
♀ Member
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 10:00 AM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Her not being able to have time for herself anymore is a consequence to what she did. My WH#2 now invites me to go with him everywhere and I do. He had a work meeting to go to a few weeks ago and I wasn't allowed to attend. Instead I went and sat in the car while he had his meeting, took our dog and took him for a nice walk. Before the A, I would have not went, just like all the other things he wanted to do without me. Now he doesn't have that option and he knows it. I have never made this known to him, but undoubtably the IC he went to a few times did. I would suggest that you bring this up in the MC session since she undoubtably is not getting it on her own. If you want to R, then she is no longer allowed girls night out, book clubs, etc.. The only way to build back trust is for them to do things that make you trust them again and thats not easy and is not done overnight. Her total focus needs to now be on you and rebuilding the marriage and helping you heal if that is what she truely wants.

As far as the attorney, I would not make that a secret either. A lot of times it helps bring them back into the marriage if they know that you will not stand around and be a doormat anymore. You need to tell her that you are checking out YOUR options if this does not work out. You have to protect yourself and at the same time let her know you are honest and thats what you expect of her.


BW-50
WH#2-51
M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
maddmurph
♂ Member
Member # 40940
Default  Posted: 10:21 AM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you want to R, then she is no longer allowed girls night out, book clubs, etc..

That's gonna be a fun discussion. Guess I will have to suck it up and do it.

at the same time let her know you are honest and thats what you expect of her.

I suppose I can't be a hypocrite, can I? I need to be the bigger person.


Me - BS, 33
Her - WW, 33
DS 7, DD 3

Posts: 129 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: OH
LifeisCrazy
♂ Member
Member # 38287
Default  Posted: 11:36 AM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Murph - MC can be incredibly effective for people are working on their marriage. Your wife, on the other hand, is still in contact with her AP (unless I am reading your threads incorrectly). Going to a MC to discuss improving the marriage when one of the partners is involved with someone else is ridiculous. This is why many here recommend individual counseling at your stage, not marital counseling.

Look, she needs to make a decision in regard to what she wants. Does she want to be with you and work, 100%, on the marriage? Or does she want to be single and fuck around with some other guy.

This has been the common gist on this forum - a WS does NOT get to have it both ways and the sooner you take that option away the better it will be for YOU..... even if it means the end of the marriage!! You need to come to terms with that and be strong enough to not only stare that possibility in the face but be willing to go down that road if necessary.

Until she can look at you and say, "I'm in. I will never contact him again and I will try as hard as I can to rebuild this marriage" then you are wasting your time and energy. Please. For yourself - don't become another person here on SI who has been dragged along for months and months, hoping like hell that if you're just a little nicer, just hang in a little longer, just wait with filing for Divorce..... that she will return to you.

F that. You deserve more respect than a woman who can't make up her mind. Knock her off the fence.

Go to MC and lay out your terms. Don't get sucked into yelling or arguing - just rationally lay it out. It's me or him, darling. And if you pick him.... call a cab 'cause I'm not driving you home.

Be strong! I'm rooting for you!


"Pain is temporary. Quitting is forever."

Posts: 158 | Registered: Jan 2013
maddmurph
♂ Member
Member # 40940
Default  Posted: 11:38 AM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm just sitting here waiting for her to text me on lunch to see how our daughter is and it's WAY late. I don't know if she is avoiding me or something else. I know she has phone issues at work, like their cell tower is messed up. That's legit but on the other hand...


Me - BS, 33
Her - WW, 33
DS 7, DD 3

Posts: 129 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: OH
LifeisCrazy
♂ Member
Member # 38287
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Last thing...

That's gonna be a fun discussion.

You know what? It IS a fun discussion. It's the first of many discussions in which you lay out your terms and take your life back.

"You see, you don't get to go out with your friends because I don't trust you. When you've shown me that you can be trusted then we can go out again - together."

Believe me, Murph. Laying down a little bit of law can be liberating. No, she won't like it. But you know what? She has an option - she can leave! And if she does? It gives you a clear message about the importance of your marriage in her life.


"Pain is temporary. Quitting is forever."

Posts: 158 | Registered: Jan 2013
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You can't be a hypocrite, but you most definitely can protect yourself. There's no need to tell her about your consultation while she's still in an over-entitled fog. I strongly urge you to keep your own counsel until she shows she's 100% committed to R and to doing the necessary work.

A truly remorseful WS would have cancelled the 'girls' night out'. If she goes, she's not remorseful. She may become remorseful, but it hasn't happened yet.

The first MC session is probably a level-setting meeting. The MC needs to know some stuff about where you've been, where you are, and where you want to go.

IIRC, every day in the months after D-Day sucked....


fBH (me) - 65+, fWW (her) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9742 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
maddmurph
♂ Member
Member # 40940
Default  Posted: 11:51 AM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your wife, on the other hand, is still in contact with her AP (unless I am reading your threads incorrectly). Going to a MC to discuss improving the marriage when one of the partners is involved with someone else is ridiculous. This is why many here recommend individual counseling at your stage, not marital counseling.

She says she is not in contact with him and won't contact him. I have free access to her phone to verify that. It's either over or underground. I'm hoping it's over.


Me - BS, 33
Her - WW, 33
DS 7, DD 3

Posts: 129 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: OH
Thinkingtoomuch
♀ Member
Member # 31765
Default  Posted: 12:07 PM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I agree with the others on all counts. I don't like that she had book club out and now planning girls night out. Doesn't sound like she's empathetic to what she's done to you. How would she feel if you acted like everything's normal? Life's not the same since her A. Not at all.

Just had to throw my two cents worth in. I've followed some of your posts.

Good luck madmurph.



Posts: 747 | Registered: Apr 2011
cliffside
♀ Member
Member # 38803
Default  Posted: 12:25 PM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Girls Night Out??!! F*%K THAT!

Absolutely NOT. She does it sound remorseful at all! Pisses me off.

Lay down the law in your MC session. Let her know she has to make a choice now and then she needs to rebuild your trust. Tell her "you have shown me you are a liar and I don't trust you at all."


Me: BS 39
Him: WH 41
2 Kids
D-Day: 2/3/13
Broke NC 3/14
Very skeptically in R for now...

Posts: 261 | Registered: Mar 2013
Lovedyoumore
♀ Member
Member # 35593
Default  Posted: 12:31 PM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If she needs a girls night and it really is about seeing her friends, she can host them in your home for a wine and dessert night, movie night, etc. if it is about clubbing, absolutely not.


Me 52
WH 52
Married 30+ years
Together trying to R

I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.


Posts: 1386 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Southern, y'all.
maddmurph
♂ Member
Member # 40940
Default  Posted: 12:46 PM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well full on dread for the rest of the day. I need to suck it up and deal. She isn't taking this seriously if she isn't texting me at lunch. She needs to know that's not acceptable.


Me - BS, 33
Her - WW, 33
DS 7, DD 3

Posts: 129 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: OH
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