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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: I'm not obligated to recover
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 8:43 AM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Even if he's being the perfect husband NOW, it doesn't negate the crap that went on previously.

It's so hard to weigh the pros and cons. Its hard being in a position where one HAS to weigh pros and cons. What kind of a marriage is that? Yet, that's what ppl in reconciliation do. They take the crap that was fed to them and even more crap that continues to occur - OC, money spent, etc. And if they're successful, they put the affair in it's place - the past.

I have no idea how people do this. If you are one - hats off. There is no way I can do this. I can exist in this marriage day to day. That's all I can do.


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

The conditions we face do not define us. They remind us of who we are and who we want to be.


Posts: 5262 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
PhoenixRising88
♀ Member
Member # 35214
Default  Posted: 8:54 AM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No words of wisdom for you unfortunately. Just wanted you to know - You've been heard, and you're not alone.

(((((Rachel)))))


Me: BS (43)Him: EX, aka "The Dink"(50)
D-Day#1 12/22/11. D-Day#2 5/23/2013.

Divorce final 2/10/14.

Throw me to the wolves and I'll return leading the pack.


Posts: 429 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: North Texas
eachdayisvictory
♀ Member
Member # 40462
Default  Posted: 8:56 AM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I find that I can feel exactly like you describe one day, and then another time I can feel like this is all going to be ok! If you've never felt like it's gonna be ok, that would worry me (depending on how far out you are).


me, BW: 34
FWH: 35
Dday: Feb 2013
LTA for 2+years
children: 2 boys age 3 and 6
Reconciling

Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nova Scotia, Canada
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 9:01 AM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm 1.5 years out and some days I feel, "ya know, I could do this, I feel ok and safe." But there will NEVER be a time when I don't feel differently about him. Not after he did it twice.
I need to come to terms with that.


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

The conditions we face do not define us. They remind us of who we are and who we want to be.


Posts: 5262 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 9:15 AM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Rachelc)))

Sweetie, hand in there.

I get what you are saying, and it is true, you don't have to recover from this. You can choose to not R in your M, and you can choose to hold this awful event in front of you the rest of your life, but before you do that I want you to consider this....

What do you gain by keeping your spouses bad choices, lies, and hurt in the present? Does it make you feel warm and fuzzy? NO it doesn't. Does it make you scared to consider putting it in the past? It Should. It is F'ing scary as hell to know that your H has done what he needs to figure out his why's, and change who he essentially is at it's core, and be willing to let that go. I fought that for probably 6-8 months.

My H really did finally get it, when I handed him my ring, and calmly and quietly said I am done, please leave.

From what I read of your posts, you too have been having a good go at R. So from someone who did R, and moved on and became happy, and strong again, I want you to know that you too can do it. Don't force it, don't fret on it. Be present for the marriage day to day, that may be all you are capable of for now, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

Make sure that Rachelc is happy in who she is, and if she isn't figure out why, and change it. You are the only one that can really make you complete, and happy. What is missing? It may be something that he is or isn't doing, and if that's the case you have to talk to him about it, and give him the opportunity to make changes.

But here's the thing, don't pressure yourself to get there, to be R'd. Done and over, and happy, and life is hunky dory. You are really only about a year into true R. If I recall correctly, and remember this shit takes anywhwere from 2-5 years to R from, that is true even if you D. This is a pain and a hurt unlike any other you have experienced, and forcing it to happed, to be fully R'd, to make part of your past, just puts pressure on you, and makes you feel bad.

You had asked me previously if I Forgave my H. I said yah I did. For you that was important, but remember, what I else I said. It wansn't met with a trumpeting of horns, and singing of angels. It was more of a quiet, peace that came over me, and it didn't happen overnight, it was slow, and snuck up on me, bit by bit. I don't really think I could have reached that point of forgiveness until I was fully healed.

I found myself at around 20 months out feeling strong, secure, and happy. When I took out the A, and explored all that came with it, it didn't really hurt anymore, because that guy, Mr Tush during the A, he was gone. In his place was a guy that was happy with who he was, proud of his family, and no longer putting work, hobbies, or others first. He made it his goal to make me laugh every day. He focused on being a great dad. This guy was different. He had made some bad choices, he had hurt me deeply, and he had hurt himself deeply as well. When he made those changes though he started to heal himself, and our M. It was up to me to heal me. But it happened, and I was able to let it go, and put in my past, and be proud of what I had accomplished, and what we had accomplished.

You will get there. But please please please be easy on yourself. I can tell you that it will one day be in your past, and most likely it will happen when you weren't even paying attention.

((((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8707 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
eachdayisvictory
♀ Member
Member # 40462
Default  Posted: 9:33 AM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tushnurse, dear god it's nice to hear some good news. You have given me something to hang my hat on today.

Hope.

Thanks.


me, BW: 34
FWH: 35
Dday: Feb 2013
LTA for 2+years
children: 2 boys age 3 and 6
Reconciling

Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nova Scotia, Canada
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 9:41 AM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

yes, tushnurse - its so good to have someone recovered on this site that is a ways out... thank you!!


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

The conditions we face do not define us. They remind us of who we are and who we want to be.


Posts: 5262 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
Bobbi_sue
♀ Member
Member # 10347
Default  Posted: 9:54 AM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have no idea how people do this. If you are one - hats off. There is no way I can do this. I can exist in this marriage day to day. That's all I can do.
You can also decide to end the M and start a new life without him.

Life is full of disappointments and pros and cons, actually, and we have to make choices even when either choice before us is not what we really want.

Nobody can make your choice for you, but just based on your comment, I am guessing you might be better off making the choice to end the M. Some people are okay in living in a marriage where they don't trust, don't forgive, and even when there is an OC. Personally, that would not be acceptable to me but I don't try to put what is acceptable to me on others.


Posts: 5760 | Registered: Apr 2006
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 9:57 AM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

rache,

I think your mixing (up what I think of as) 'recovery' and 'R'.

To me, recovery is my own healing from the trauma, regaining my own mental and physical health, my own joy. This is work I have to do, because no one can do it for me.

It can be more or less difficult depending on what I want (R or D or IDK yet) and depending on my environment (does my W want R or D and is she working effectively toward what she wants), but my recovery is my job.

Sure recovery is optional, but I believe I make myself suffer if I choose not to recover, and I've already experienced enough unnecessary pain.

R is a different matter entirely. R takes both partners working hard, and even if both partner do the work, either partner can choose to stop.

You can recover and not R, but I suspect you can't R unless you recover.

So I really urge you to choose to get well into recovery before deciding about R. Work on your M, sure. See if your H will step up, sure. Don't choose R unless you want it and your H will do the work.

But choose to recover, no matter what.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10352 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Bobbi_sue
♀ Member
Member # 10347
Default  Posted: 10:02 AM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with Sisoon and think there is some confusion with the two Rs (Recover and Reconciliation; I think we often use the same abbreviation for both).

There is no obligation to reconcile, for sure. You always have the choice not to, or even to stay in the M but just sort of exist there in it.

There is no obligation to recover either, but as for me, I would want to and do everything in my power to make it happen. I most definitely recovered after divorcing my first H, and after deciding to reconcile with my current H, but I think it had a lot to do with my own choices, actions and attitude, to make that happen.


Posts: 5760 | Registered: Apr 2006
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 10:07 AM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think I'm plugging along in my own personal recovery. But if I'm healthy and he's healthy I think the implication is that we should stay together.
Why else would a person leave then? That would mean they can't get past what happened, and does that mean they're still not healthy?


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

The conditions we face do not define us. They remind us of who we are and who we want to be.


Posts: 5262 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
catlover50
♀ Member
Member # 37154
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not necessarily. Sometimes the M is just too broken. The trust and sense of safety can't be regained. There's no shame in that.

I agree with others who say that you should take your time. This feeling may change with time. But if it doesn't, feeling that way is not a recipe for happiness, IMO.

Personally I never for a minute wanted to be apart from my H. I would have left him if he didn't change in the ways that I needed him to, but I would have had to force myself to. Everyone's experience is unique and we all have to do what's right for us.

Good luck.



Dday -9/24/2012
Reconciling

Posts: 1748 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast
Bobbi_sue
♀ Member
Member # 10347
Default  Posted: 10:47 AM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why else would a person leave then? That would mean they can't get past what happened, and does that mean they're still not healthy?

I don't share that line of thinking. You have a choice not accept what he has done, especially if there is an OC involved. Some things are just deal breakers and that would be for me, whether he was sorry and apparently "healthy" or not.

I could not "get past" that if it meant forgiving him and staying married to him. I have mentioned before, my XH was addicted to prostitutes and was with more of them than he could hope to count. I can't get past that and it would not matter how sorry he might be. I divorced him and wish him well. I do not hate my XH, but I am much happier not married to him, not having to think about that any more.


Posts: 5760 | Registered: Apr 2006
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 10:53 AM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

my husband's was a four month blip in our 27 years of being together. No OC involved, or even sex.

should be easier to recover from. It should be easier to make a decision about, and I suppose that's why I'm still here. I don't know if what he did is a dealbreaker... even now.


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

The conditions we face do not define us. They remind us of who we are and who we want to be.


Posts: 5262 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
Bobbi_sue
♀ Member
Member # 10347
Default  Posted: 10:58 AM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

continues to occur - OC, money spent, etc.
I didn't think there was an OC from what you had mentioned previous times, but I guess I was confused by your above statment. What was OC in that context?

It is my view that you should DECIDE to forgive him or not, and then work on yourself to actually forgive him, or move on with your life without him. I don't agree with those that say take your time (if time means years). Life is too short to stay miserable.


Posts: 5760 | Registered: Apr 2006
BeyondBreaking
♀ Member
Member # 38020
Default  Posted: 11:10 AM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But there will NEVER be a time when I don't feel differently about him.

I have finally, after almost 2 years from D-day #1 and 1.5 years from D-day #2, gotten to a place where I am:

a) Happy with who I am and I love me
b) I know that unless something happens again, I am not going anywhere. I also know that he is not going anywhere (at least not right now)
c) I know that I could do better, and if put in a situation of being alone, I would not be broken
d) I am comfortable. I wouldn't say that I am the happiest I could be with my H, or that I am completely in love with him anymore, or that I completely respect him or that I can ever give my whole heart to him ever again. It's hard to explain the complicated way I feel about him. He is my best friend, we have fun together and I love him and committed to spending my life with him, so I will. But if he left me tomorrow, I don't think I would be as upset as I "should" be.

And so there we sit. Maybe it will get better, maybe not. I am comfortable, so if it doesn't get better, that is okay. If it does, even better.

This is what happens when you make the choice to forgive something that you find fundimentally unforgivable. When I look at myself, and ask what would fix my marriage, what would make me go from comfortable with the day by day thing to very happy and confidant- the answer is the past not happening. So, I too, take things day by day and finding peace within myself and knowing that peace within myself is the only thing in life that I can truly count on.


I have been cheated on by 3 different men, and I have more DDays than anyone ever should. I am here, just trying to pickup the pieces.

At least the current man "only" cyber-cheated.

"Love means never having to say you're sorry."


Posts: 840 | Registered: Jan 2013
SecondHelping
♂ Member
Member # 36796
Default  Posted: 11:12 AM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For some of us it's just so hard to recover. I have forgiven fWW and we are in R. She is doing R very well and willing to work on the things I ask. She's in IC and we were in MC (temporarily stopped). But there are just days for me that are extremely tough.

I find that I can feel exactly like you describe one day, and then another time I can feel like this is all going to be ok!

^^^ is how I feel. MC says I'm slightly depressed but not enough for anti-depressants and I was in IC until C told me to only come back if I needed to.

Thing is, I still think about A and what she did every damn day. All day long... Everything I hear, she does or says has two meanings to me. What she now means and what you used to do/say during A and Pre-A M.

The problem is now me...not her. I, just like rachelc I'm guessing, can't come to terms with it. I just don't want to have this duality and good/bad thoughts for the rest of my life. I want, but can't recover and put this behind me.

I wish I knew how.

ETA: Don't get me wrong, I WANT to R and move on, I'm just haveing a hard time at it.

[This message edited by SecondHelping at 12:45 PM, October 17th (Thursday)]


D-Day 1: Feb 1990
D-Day 2: 3 Sep 2012 (3 month EA/3 week PA)
BS 49, fWW 43 (Amibroken)
OP- Police Chief (Age 37)
M 25 Yrs, 3 Kids (17, 14, 11)
I initated the relationship at the Railway Tavern, she tried to end it at Scrap Tavern

Posts: 489 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Delmarva
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 11:28 AM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And so there we sit. Maybe it will get better, maybe not. I am comfortable, so if it doesn't get better, that is okay. If it does, even better.

This is what happens when you make the choice to forgive something that you find fundimentally unforgivable. When I look at myself, and ask what would fix my marriage, what would make me go from comfortable with the day by day thing to very happy and confidant- the answer is the past not happening. So, I too, take things day by day and finding peace within myself and knowing that peace within myself is the only thing in life that I can truly count on.

thank you for this! I am not comfortable. yet. I'm about as far out as you as well with two separate Dday's.


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

The conditions we face do not define us. They remind us of who we are and who we want to be.


Posts: 5262 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 11:32 AM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The problem is now me...not her. I, just like rachelc I'm guessing, can't come to terms with it. I just don't want to have this duality and good/bad thoughts for the rest of my life. I want, but can't recover and put this behind me.

exactly this for me too. I SO WANT to think positive thoughts about us/him/myself. But the duality is tough. I'm not that person anymore. He's not that person anymore. But i'm consumed by all the lies and gaslighting he did. If he lied then, he could be lying now.

I'm very tired of thinking about it every day. I'm tired of thinking about two women's names I would have never known had they not had affairs with my husband. He triggers me. ALL THE TIME. And he doesn't deserve it. HE did too many good things for us too. I'm trying to get my brain back there but I cannot.

We should all be easy with ourselves, as tushnurse advised....


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

The conditions we face do not define us. They remind us of who we are and who we want to be.


Posts: 5262 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
velvethammer
♀ Member
Member # 40437
Default  Posted: 11:44 AM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thing is, I still think about A and what she did every damn day. All day long... Everything I hear, she does or says has two meanings to me. What she now means and what you used to do/say during A and Pre-A M.

The problem is now me...not her. I, just like rachelc I'm guessing, can't come to terms with it. I just don't want to have this duality and good/bad thoughts for the rest of my life. I want, but can't recover and put this behind me.

I'm in this boat too and I realize I'm not very far out yet but the thing is, I don't want to spend years suffering and trying to recover from his choices. Except for tushnurse who says they're now happy, happy, happy, I've only seen reconciled spouses who write that they're happy BUT things are different and they still trigger sometimes and still think about it and will never fully trust WS again, etc so I don't know. Is that as happy as I can be given the circumstances sort of happy? I don't want that for myself and lately I've been leaning heavily towards splitting.

I am with rachelc though, if you can R and be genuinely happy and in love again, hats off to ya.


Posts: 110 | Registered: Aug 2013
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