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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: I'm not obligated to recover
tearsofblood1
♂ Member
Member # 34392
Default  Posted: 12:06 PM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

rachelc

i beleive we have interacted previously before here and you were helpful.

if i can try and return the favor.

i am about 6 months ahead of you. it is a true sense of now vs then. i can only offer that how you feel is valid, and in time it will pass. things do improve. my situation while far from perfect now is ahead of where we were at the same time period where you are now.

as long as the work is being done time does heal not erase, but heal.


We're not broken just bent, and we can learn to love again

Posts: 127 | Registered: Jan 2012
crazyblindsided
♀ Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 2:31 PM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can exist in this marriage day to day. That's all I can do.

That's all I can do too sweetie!

(((rachelc)))

One day I feel like being M'd to him, the next I am planning my D it's absolute madness.


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
BeyondBreaking
♀ Member
Member # 38020
Default  Posted: 2:44 PM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think I ran into the problem I have been having about 6 months ago.

After D-day #2, H has been perfect. I complain every now and then, we have our fights, but the bottom line is that I could ask him to cut off his toe and he would grumble, but go to the garage and start up the saw. I know he isn't cheating anymore. I (logically and at times emotionally) know he doesn't still think about those women. In all ways I know how, we have moved forward with our relationship. It's not disneyland, but not death valley either.

The problem is that when D-day #2 happened, I told him and myself that I could forgive him. And a year later, I discovered that I can't forgive him. Maybe I will be able to at some point in the future, but at this point, I am just not there.

That doesn't mean that I want to leave- I have in every other sense of the word moved on with my life. I go through phases where I am angry and sad because of what he did- and I go through phases where I rarely think about it anymore. I am not unhappy, and because of that, I am content to stay where I am and let things just be.

[This message edited by BeyondBreaking at 3:02 PM, October 17th (Thursday)]


I have been cheated on by 3 different men, and I have more DDays than anyone ever should. I am here, just trying to pickup the pieces.

At least the current man "only" cyber-cheated.

"Love means never having to say you're sorry."


Posts: 840 | Registered: Jan 2013
JustDesserts
♂ Member
Member # 39665
Default  Posted: 2:50 PM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@tushnurse: great post. Got weepy as I so appreciate the many parallel gifts my BW has given herself, and me, and therefore us.

@sisoon: good words of wisdom.

@rachel: hope a better place for you is just around the next corner.

This wayward is helped by seeing first hand the struggles, pain, and sadness of the betrayed's here. And that translates into inspiring me to bring my A game to my wife, family, and friends. I am thankful and appreciative of the inspiration, realizing the light is not yet at the end of the tunnel for many...and sadly may never be for some. I hope that's it the case for you, Rachelc.

JD


2 year EA/PA. DDay 3/12. Broke NC 6/13 w/one stupid 5 line e-mail (which brought me to SI). Me: WH, 50. Her: BW, 49. Married 19 years. Two kids. Dog. Reconciling...together.

Posts: 403 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Suburbia, New England, USA
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 7:55 AM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm updating this because we talked last night about how I'm struggling....

Last night he had to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Choking on a piece of steak he could see I panicking. He tried three times and it didn't work but I was able to grab my drink and that washed it down. He was really scared and I cried...

I told him I didn't to die while things were shitty between us. I didn't want to die dealing with trigger after trigger. I didn't want to die thinking about what he did all day long every day.

He said he thought I was happy. I said I was for a little bit yesterday morning... He really watched over me the rest of the night and was great.

I know this is dramatic but man it really made me think. I want this to be better but it's a process that takes time. I guess it put into persepctive where I'm at right now...
we've both wasted months trying to heal - and yes I think it's wasted time as we wouldn't have had to do this had it not happened..
I'm just thinking aloud today....


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

Me: I didn't sign up for this.
Him: you're already in this. All you can do is resign...


Posts: 4776 | Registered: Dec 2010
ItsaClimb
♀ Member
Member # 37107
Default  Posted: 9:56 AM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thing is, I still think about A and what she did every damn day. All day long... Everything I hear, she does or says has two meanings to me. What she now means and what you used to do/say during A and Pre-A M.
The problem is now me...not her. I, just like rachelc I'm guessing, can't come to terms with it. I just don't want to have this duality and good/bad thoughts for the rest of my life. I want, but can't recover and put this behind me.

I'm in the same boat. I think some of us have a tougher time with this whole thing than others. Probably a lot of things factor in - the behaviour of the wayward, the depth of the betrayal, FOO issues, our personalities....

I really don't know if I can do this. Sometimes I wonder if I even want to.

ne day I feel like being M'd to him, the next I am planning my D it's absolute madness.

^^^ this exactly!

[This message edited by ItsaClimb at 9:57 AM, October 18th (Friday)]


BS 46
Together 29 yrs, M 25 years
2 daughters 24yo(married with a brand new little daughter) & 19yo
D-Day 18 Aug 2012
6mth EA lead to 4mth PA with CO-W. I found out 8 1/2 yrs later

Posts: 946 | Registered: Oct 2012
ItsaClimb
♀ Member
Member # 37107
Default  Posted: 9:58 AM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow Rachel, I'm so glad you're ok after the choking episode, it's so frightening when that happens!


BS 46
Together 29 yrs, M 25 years
2 daughters 24yo(married with a brand new little daughter) & 19yo
D-Day 18 Aug 2012
6mth EA lead to 4mth PA with CO-W. I found out 8 1/2 yrs later

Posts: 946 | Registered: Oct 2012
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 10:05 AM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

one day I feel like being M'd to him, the next I am planning my D it's absolute madness.

I'm so glad this is normal! Really, IC and MC push for some conclusion after about a year. They shouldn't!


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

Me: I didn't sign up for this.
Him: you're already in this. All you can do is resign...


Posts: 4776 | Registered: Dec 2010
GraceisGood
♀ Member
Member # 17686
Default  Posted: 11:32 AM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why else would a person leave then? That would mean they can't get past what happened, and does that mean they're still not healthy?

A person might choose to leave for many reasons and that would not mean they can not get past the past, nor would it mean they are not healthy imo (it could, but not necessarily)

Things like this change people (all of life works on changing us, we all change and grow, or not depending on who we are right?)and we get to choose if we want to stay in a M with this new person and they have the same choice.

I am still the same person in many ways but very different in many others. I have grown, and changed and frankly I do not think "healthy" is a real goal, it is a process that never ends if you are really working towards it.

My H is not the same person either, and I choose whether or not to stay in a M with this new person. I did not sign up to be M to this person, I do not "have" to stay just because he chooses not to cheat anymore or to try to be a good H NOW, I choose daily.

As a matter of fact he asked me that the other day, if I could handle being M to who he is now and I told him that I am still figuring that out and am not really sure. It is the truth. I have to get to know this new H, how can I make such a decision without figuring out who he is and how that fits with who I am??


Grace


We have a tendency to think the love offered us is a reflection of our worth and value.But in actuality,it's a reflection of the person that is giving it.We love out of who WE are-not because of who the receiver is.At least in terms of real love.TSMF

Posts: 3434 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: how far the east is from the west
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 11:49 AM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Rachelc sometimes we need a jarring moment like that to put things into perspective for us.

You are struggling with the stages of grief. What you are feeling is normal, and each of us has to do it on our own timeline. If your counselors are pushing to be done, perhaps they see that you seem stuck. The real question is how do you get to the next point?

Things you need to ponder, and decide if you can accept and be happy with yourlife as it is now, are ....
Can you accept that he did this to you? That he did this to your M? That is was out of your control?

Can you accept that even though this was probably one of the most painful things you have been through, that had you not gone through it your relationship would be broken? You would be unhappy if things had remained the way they were during his A?

You talk about it being a wasted year, and it is far from that. Without this happening, niether of you would have changed. He would contninue to have crappy coping skills, and your M wouldn't be that great, but now you have been given the opportunity to rebuild, to start at the bottom, and work on the communication issues, the love, the strengths made stronger, the weaknesses fixed. Even from the outside it may not look like mush has gone, but really a ton of work has been done.

Try to really really focus on the present, how things are now. Not what they were, not what happened, but what they really are now, are you being met with love, kindness, acceptance, and strength? Does your H do things to make you feel special and loved? Can you look at the past week, and point out one positive thing he did each day? Are you better in this past week, happier, more complete than you were at the same time a year ago? If the answer is yes, then accept it.

If the answer is no, then you really do need to figure out why? Is it him? Is it you? Whatever those answers are what are you going to change it.

Life is short. It can change in the blink of an eye, and end in a breath. It's too short to spend it not being happy with who you are, or who your spouse/partner/best friend is.

((((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8228 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 11:50 AM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have to get to know this new H, how can I make such a decision without figuring out who he is and how that fits with who I am??

He might be great! A better version or just plain new version of the men we married. Yet still, is that enough to erase everything else that happened?

I choose daily too. But what I say to myself is, "I guess it's good enough. Today. I'm settling for less than I deserve but whatever." - oh I guess I'm still hoping the past will change and it won't, seeing that now. Still coming to terms with it I guess.


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

Me: I didn't sign up for this.
Him: you're already in this. All you can do is resign...


Posts: 4776 | Registered: Dec 2010
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 12:05 PM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

are you being met with love, kindness, acceptance, and strength? Does your H do things to make you feel special and loved? Can you look at the past week, and point out one positive thing he did each day? Are you better in this past week, happier, more complete than you were at the same time a year ago? If the answer is yes, then accept it.

oh yes. He's been great. I'm saddling him with an impossible task - to have it not have happened.
Still struggling with acceptance. Yep, still grieving.

How he's treating me now is not worth the pain the affairs caused me, I know that. It really wasn't that bad of a marriage before.
If that's the price I had to pay for this new guy who is a little bit more into me...

Can you accept that he did this to you?

no. it's too painful. I love him to much so that I don't want our relationship to be anything other than a perfect love story. And I realize that I threw that away first.

That he did this to your M? That is was out of your control?

out of my control - yes.


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

Me: I didn't sign up for this.
Him: you're already in this. All you can do is resign...


Posts: 4776 | Registered: Dec 2010
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 1:42 PM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Rachel -
So what so it's not the "perfect" love story, but the perfect story is boring. What about the stories with twists and turns, and plot changes. Those are the ones that are great. Those are the ones that others build strength from, and learn that they too can make it through just about anything.

I was his first, he was mine, I get the perfect love story, hell ours was it. Dating from age 15, together through college, long distance relationship, small M because it was about us, not them, it was about our promise to each other, and God, not for all my parents friends, not for all his relatives. White house, 2 kids, a golden retriever, white fence even. Fuck it was perfect.

Except it wasn't. And you know what? It is a hell of alot more interesting and enjoyable now. Would I have learned to ride a motorcylce before this, no. Would I have encouraged us to become beekeepers, and start up a home business, nope. Would I have allowed us to raise 21 ducklings from hatchlings until they were ready to fly? No, but because I became stronger, and happier I have stepped way outside my safe zone, and life has been oh so much better for it.

So you too will one day accept that he did this, this horrible thing that helped you to grow and become a stronger, smarter, better person. You know now pain won't kill you.

((((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8228 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
crazyblindsided
♀ Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 3:50 PM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H is not the same person either, and I choose whether or not to stay in a M with this new person. I did not sign up to be M to this person, I do not "have" to stay just because he chooses not to cheat anymore or to try to be a good H NOW, I choose daily.

I choose daily as well because my WH still exhibits PA and conflict avoidant behaviors. I just don't know. I don't live in a certain world and cannot be certain about my M.


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
tellmewhy
♀ Member
Member # 29302
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, October 19th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

rachelc, Just saw this thread this morning and the tears started flowing. I am in the same place with this constant questioning of whether I can live like this or merely exist.

Have you (or others out there) brought this up in MC or IC? Did you get any help/advice? I just don't know how to resolve this issue and it eats at me every day.


Me (BS) - 60+
Him (WH) - 60+
Married 43 years
D-Day: July 26,2010
"Kids" - 35 & 32

Posts: 179 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Northern VA
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 10:25 AM, October 19th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He might be great! A better version or just plain new version of the men we married. Yet still, is that enough to erase everything else that happened?

Rachelc, I'm nearly 3 years out. For most of that, I struggled just as you and others are struggling. Truth be told, I still struggle occasionally. Everyone has bad days.

So is it enough to erase what happened? Nothing will erase what happened. If you're waiting for the day when you don't remember the A or the deception, or the heartache, then you're waiting for what won't come. It happened. Your H had an affair. You cannot change this fact, so you won't ever 'erase' it.

What helped me was reminding myself that I could leave at any time. I could get up, pack a bag, and be away from the madness in an hour. Of course, I would become bitter that I had to lose everything because of what HE did. There is no winning really.

What I finally realized, and this may not be the case with others, was that I was very angry with myself for staying after such a betrayal. I thought I was weak. I thought I was desperate. I thought I was pathetic. I mean, who stays with someone after such a thing, right?

Wrong. I was holding onto the thoughts of leaving because it kept me in the arena of 'I won't stay with a cheater!' As long as I was thinking about leaving, I hadn't fully accepted that I was staying with someone that betrayed me.

The limbo was killing me. It robbed me of any joy because I let it take center stage. No matter what was happening I was dwelling on the A. Somehow, some way it would creep in. And I would get angry and start thinking about leaving. It was a horrible cycle.

I also couldn't allow myself to enjoy his efforts. The question of 'why now? why after so much damage do you suddenly think I hung the moon?' I would become agitated about this too, and it tainted all of the effort.

I finally accepted that I was staying. I accepted that I was choosing this, and that if it was going to work, if I was going to stay sane, I had to accept my decision and let go of my dreams of escape - and really, there is no escape. We all know this.

I can still leave, and I know this. I don't battle with myself about my decision. I made the decision I wanted to make, and I am free to change my mind, as is my FWH, and either of us can end this relationship.

Wow - that is the first time I used the F in front of WH. I guess I accept that too - that he is a FORMER WH. I'm actually very happy about this milestone!!

So I hope you can stop the inner battle that's raging in your head. If you have the same reasons, in part or in total, as I had, or if your reasons are completely different, I do know that battle. Try looking at it in days. Today you are choosing to stay married. Enjoy today. Worry about tomorrow tomorrow. That's all any of us can control anyway - the here and now.

And also, you wrote "I am the problem" or something to that effect. You aren't the problem. The problem is that you were betrayed. You cannot and should not accept any blame for how you sort through your emotions afterward. You are not 'the problem'. You are searching for the perfect answer, and their isn't one, but you are most definitely not 'the problem'.

I hope your journey gets easier. Time will help with that, but in the meantime, I hope you find some acceptance and peace.


It's so easy to believe someone when they're telling you exactly what you want to hear.....

Posts: 1879 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 10:33 AM, October 19th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Painful - great post. So very true, I'm most angry with myself for staying.....

I will really think about all this!!! Thank you!


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

Me: I didn't sign up for this.
Him: you're already in this. All you can do is resign...


Posts: 4776 | Registered: Dec 2010
womaninflux
♀ Member
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 10:47 AM, October 19th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't have an OC in the picture with my WH's infidelity, but I understand what you are thinking.

For me, I got to a point where I had to decide: Am I going to let this situation be the center of my life, define my life, etc. OR am I going to take a deep breath, accept it (different from saying it's ok for all of this to happen) and try to get to a place of peace with all of it? In yoga, the instructor tells us that it's all about "changing your mind." There is a lot to that, I have found. That said, life is not perfect. There are still going to be bad days (and there would have been bad days even without infidelity). For me, it is coming to a place where I recognize that focusing on the impact of the A was making me a victim. It's ok to do that for awhile...but in order to heal, I can't go on like that forever.


BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 864 | Registered: Jun 2013
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 10:52 AM, October 19th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

rachelc - I'm so happy if that post helps you!! That's really why I joined the site. I've grown so much from this experience, and I'm still learning every day. I learn that I'm like many others - and you just confirmed that, so thank you too!

Please, if it is that you're angry with yourself, remember this - it isn't weak to make a decision based on facts. You didn't just 'accept' what your H did. You have been working, as has he, hopefully. You decided that your marriage was worth more than his affair and you're choosing to work to save that part that is worth more.

You must love your husband a great deal to choose to stay after the A. Don't be angry at yourself for loving someone. That's a good thing - you can still love him after he hurt you so badly. It isn't weak. In fact, I think it shows remarkable strength to see someone that has made terrible mistakes and is in a very bad stage of their life, and still see the good in them.

I also realized that I was spending far more of my time thinking about his A than he was. In fact, I was probably thinking about it more than he did while it was occurring. He compartmentalized. I let it overshadow everything.

You're not weak for staying, rachel. You aren't a fool and you aren't afraid. You are a person that has a marriage that has some dents in it but overall you believe it has a great deal of value. If the day comes that you don't believe that, you will leave. Until then, don't be too hard on yourself. You didn't cause any of this, but you do have the option of not letting it take everything from you.



It's so easy to believe someone when they're telling you exactly what you want to hear.....

Posts: 1879 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
Topic Posts: 39
Pages: 1 · 2

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