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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: I've been good; she still pisses me off
Pass
♂ Member
Member # 38122
Angry  Posted: 12:33 PM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So I've been keeping all communication with The Princess about the kids lately, and feeling pretty damn proud of myself. I was thinking about flu shots this morning, and thought I should let her know that I would take care of getting shots for the boys. Our texts:

Me: Just checking out the flu clinics. That would be a fun weekend activity for the boys and me. We'll make it happen.

Her: Thanks for looking after that. Has 13 been in touch re tomorrow night?

Me: No. What's up?

Her: Sorry. I thought he'd let you know before then today he said he hadn't but would right away. They'd like to do their nightime Haunted Farm trip tomorrow evening. It would mean I'd drop them off late (probably 10 ish) I guess he was waiting to hear about the weather before deciding for sure I've left the planning to him so, we'll see if it get's organized.

Me: Please let me know as soon as you can. Might be nice to try out dating on a Friday night, like a normal person, for once. I'll feed them supper on Sunday, if you'll pick them up @ 6:30.

Her: For sure. Sorry for the late notice.

Her: Now he tells me he's cancelled it. Sorry for the false alarm. It'll end up being a week night so it won't affect you. I'll bring them at the usual time tomorrow if you want. Or later if you want.

Me: The regular time is good. Thanks.

All her spelling and punctuation errors aside, what an idiot! "I'm just leaving all planning and notifications in the hands of the thirteen-year-old." Why would I ever want advance notice that I'm getting my kids four hours later than usual, right? It's not that I'm dating anyone right now (but she doesn't need to know that), but I have my kids every weekend. I LOVE hanging out with them, and we're all enjoying it, but I can foresee this really hampering my dating ability - so any time I can get a few hours to hang out with another adult on a weekend is golden. But I guess there's no reason why we should expect Slutty McTightpants to give a shit about that.

Another thing: She said "Sorry" THREE TIMES during that exchange. That is more times than she ever apologized to me during our entire marriage (not an exaggeration!).

I guess I'm not looking for anything from y'all. Just needed to bitch about The Princess not thinking about me yet again. None of this should surprise me, but it continues to.


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after 17 year marriage, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 2095 | Registered: Jan 2013
ajsmom
♀ Member
Member # 17460
Default  Posted: 12:41 PM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I must be missing something because I see this exchange as being, well - nice.

Teenagers do want to do things outside of hanging with their parents even on custodial weekends. Raised three of them myself (including two SD's) and I can't tell you how many times our plans got thwarted for them to be with friends.

My advice? There will be more of this coming. Get ready.

ETA: On the dating issue, you're the one who tossed it in there and from the looks of it, she didn't acknowledge it. In the future, say something more innocuous like "I need to make plans" if you really don't want her to know you're dating.

Just my $0.02.

AJ's MOM

[This message edited by ajsmom at 12:43 PM, October 17th (Thursday)]


Fidelity isn't a feeling...it's a choice.

"Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now - always." - Albert Schweitzer
____________________________________________
Me: BW - Him: 200+ # tumor removed 7/09
DS - 31 - Yikes!


Posts: 21071 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Been Through Hell...On My Way Back
jemimapd
♀ Member
Member # 37895
Default  Posted: 12:53 PM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was about to reply on the lines of AJ's post. 13-year-olds make social plans at the last minute and it is going to get a whole lot worse. (My son when he was 16 went out on a Friday night having had 4 wisdom teeth removed that day. Not driving I should add. But wild horses wouldn't have kept him from that HS football game.) They chop and change plans all the time.

You did not need to drop in that line about dating, it was not necessary.

It is not your ex's fault that the plans changed and she seemed to be doing her best to be polite and informative.

I understand the frustration and anger inherent in these situations, I really do, but you have to take a step back and see what is and is not her fault.


Jemima Puddleduck is a trusting soul....
DD 1 Dec 2012; Divorced 11/13; 2 children
Me: BS (47) Him: WH (52) Her: 3 PA's
Ex bought a house, The Money Pit With Mold That Will Never Be Finished. He's living in the basement.

Posts: 726 | Registered: Dec 2012
laney57
♀ Member
Member # 35617
Default  Posted: 1:08 PM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh Pass,
The history will get the best of us. Even if she's not pouring salt in your wounds... It still feels like it.
Get your dating on!!!


Update 09/28/14
Me - BS, 44
Him - WH, 46
Married - 23 years
D-Day - 05/12/2012
Trying to find me still
Gotta do this, but I'm broken - headed for divorce - 02/20
Hell if I know - 02/24
Divorcing 09/28/14

Posts: 230 | Registered: May 2012 | From: KY
suckstobeme
♀ Member
Member # 30853
Default  Posted: 1:19 PM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, I usually think she is a total ass in her exchanges with you but she didn't come across like that in this one. At least not to her usual extent.

Like my ex, I think she pisses you off because she's still breathing. I get it.

What I would say is that you should review the exchange and see how you can be even more strict with the NC/kids only concept. Your initial text to her was pretty friendly and seemed to be seeking some sort of cute response. Next time, a simple "I will get the kids their flu shots this weekend." is all you need.

As far as the dating comment, don't make those anymore either. Pass, you're a nice, normal guy. As you are learning, normal people generally can't win against bat shit crazy. She is crazy and she has a hefty cruel streak that you also lack. Try as you might, that type of comment won't sting her at all, but she will find a way to one up you for it and she wil somehow make you pay for trying to beat her at her own game. Next time you see her, i bet she'll do something horrible like fumble around in her purse for a tissue and end up pulling out a condom "on accident".

She's not worth your feelings taking another beating. The only real way to get to her is to give her every indication - not necessarily with words - that you just don't give a shit anymore. You and I know that that won't be entirely true for a while, but this is the best way to put the "fake it til you make it" concept to work.

Hang in there, friend.


BW - me
ExWH - "that one"
D - 2011
You get what you put in, and people get what they deserve.
Hard as it may be, try to never give the OP any of your power or head space.

Posts: 2840 | Registered: Jan 2011
Pass
♂ Member
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 1:26 PM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The main thing that pisses me off is that she has obviously known about this for more than a day, and she thought it was happening, but she chose to leave it in the hands of 13 to let me know. The fact that it ended up cancelled is beside the point, because she didn't know that.

I still wouldn't know about it if I hadn't made the effort to let her know about the flu shots. And that is something that I wouldn't ask a kid to communicate to her.

Admittedly, everything she does pisses me off - so she really can't win - but how about letting me know that I would be getting the kids four hours later than expected? And how about giving me enough notice so that I have the opportunity to make plans if I want to?


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after 17 year marriage, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 2095 | Registered: Jan 2013
Pass
♂ Member
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 1:29 PM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Pass, you're a nice, normal guy. As you are learning, normal people generally can't win against bat shit crazy. She is crazy and she has a hefty cruel streak that you also lack.

Thanks, suckstobeme. Is she stealing "nice, normal" from me as well? She's taken so much.


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after 17 year marriage, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 2095 | Registered: Jan 2013
ajsmom
♀ Member
Member # 17460
Default  Posted: 1:29 PM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well...it sounds like she thought your DS let you know.

And as to the plans changing, it was news to her as well.

Pick another hill. This one isn't worth dying on.


Fidelity isn't a feeling...it's a choice.

"Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now - always." - Albert Schweitzer
____________________________________________
Me: BW - Him: 200+ # tumor removed 7/09
DS - 31 - Yikes!


Posts: 21071 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Been Through Hell...On My Way Back
suckstobeme
♀ Member
Member # 30853
Default  Posted: 1:34 PM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She wasn't so courteous and considerate of your feelings when she decided to fuck around with OM. Don't expect her to be those things now.

I get it. My ex is a total dink too who rarely even grunts at me when it comes to the kids. Last year, he told me about a vacation he had planned for him, OW and my kids over fucking Mother's Day and gave me about an hour to get back to him with my consent (which I did not give) so he could buy cheaper airline tickets. I mean, what the fuck?? Obviously, that was planned for a while before he decided to clue me in. As much as it sucks, I often have to remind myself that he's just a selfish asshole. It's hard to imagine and it's hard even now, at three years out, to accept that, but that is the cold, hard truth. They are just selfish assholes and that never turns off.

And PS, no she is not stealing the nice, normal persona. That's the point. You won't win in a game of one uppers with someone like her because you are like you.

[This message edited by suckstobeme at 1:37 PM, October 17th (Thursday)]


BW - me
ExWH - "that one"
D - 2011
You get what you put in, and people get what they deserve.
Hard as it may be, try to never give the OP any of your power or head space.

Posts: 2840 | Registered: Jan 2011
Pass
♂ Member
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 3:25 PM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She wasn't so courteous and considerate of your feelings when she decided to fuck around with OM. Don't expect her to be those things now.

Yep. I seem to need regular reminders of this.

And PS, no she is not stealing the nice, normal persona. That's the point. You won't win in a game of one uppers with someone like her because you are like you.

Thanks. Also something I need reminders of!


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after 17 year marriage, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 2095 | Registered: Jan 2013
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 4:10 PM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Like my ex, I think she pisses you off because she's still breathing. I get it.

This passes, BTW.

I agree with everyone else. I have to ask, why are you so chatty with her?

"FYI: I will be taking the boys for their flu shots on XX date".

"No. I would prefer you and I sort out the boys schedules rather than leave them to do it."

"Please let me know as soon as you can."

"Regular time."

See? No need for commentary.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5609 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 5:42 PM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It takes practice to remove emotion, soon it will become easier.

You thought that by telling her you were dating, you would somehow hurt her. You didn't get the response you were hoping for...her caring. You were snarky with her, jabbing her, etc.

That is the deal, she doesn't care. The faster you remove the emotion, the faster you are going to start healing and moving forward. If you are putting this much energy toward her, you really don't have anything to give anyone else once you do start dating. Not only do you have time constraints, but your emotions are still directed at your ex.

I used to type things here on SI and ask people to work on the emails FOR me. Now, it is second nature and I am very detached (unless he is really an ass...).

It took me a full year before I stopped being so emotional, and probably another 6 months after that to stop occasionally jabbing at him. Now, again, only when he gets really stupid do I have any emotion toward him.

You'll get there. Takes work and practice.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4186 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
stronger08
♂ Member
Member # 16953
Default  Posted: 5:51 PM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Me: Please let me know as soon as you can. Might be nice to try out dating on a Friday night, like a normal person, for once.

There's your mistake my friend. Never, ever inform them that you have plans. Especially plans that are of a dating nature. Its a power thing for them to continue to fuck with your life. Even if your kid did not back out, she would have at the last minute.


You cant eat soup with chopsticks.

Posts: 5730 | Registered: Nov 2007
GabyBaby
♀ Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 6:01 PM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There's your mistake my friend. Never, ever inform them that you have plans. Especially plans that are of a dating nature. Its a power thing for them to continue to fuck with your life. Even if your kid did not back out, she would have at the last minute.
Bingo.


Me - 42
SorryInSac (WH#2) - 47. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - Stick a fork in me...

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW) - Legally married 18yrs

I edit often for clarity.


Posts: 6533 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
GabyBaby
♀ Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 6:27 PM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Also, I have two kids (teen/young adult). I don't go through their father when trying to figure out their plans. I communicate with my kids directly, then confirm with their father to make sure we're all on the same page. Teens often cannot or will not make up their minds until the last minute because, frankly, they are squirrely.


Me - 42
SorryInSac (WH#2) - 47. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - Stick a fork in me...

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW) - Legally married 18yrs

I edit often for clarity.


Posts: 6533 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
Ashland13
♀ Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 7:49 PM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This has happened with XPerv before and the feeling was given that he knew about plans changing but gave zero notice.

There is a theory among BS's that I know that the X's do this on purpose. To keep us from being able to develop social lives. I know XPerv and some friends X's have a tendency to show up late or early without notice, especially when one of us has plans that a kid may have known of and leaked.

I work very hard to not let XPerv know of what I'm doing. It's a goal I have now for him to not know where I am. I thrive on it. He still thinks I sit home much of the time and he has me in this little box.

I think I know what you were getting at with your dating comment and don't think it was all that bad. It seems like you were just saying that you had a social life also.


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2287 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
Pass
♂ Member
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 7:52 PM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I really have to stop giving a shit, I guess. I've made progress in that she doesn't make me sad anymore - can't remember the last time I cried for her - but the anger stage is in full flame right now.

Everything she does pisses me off. I try not to let it, but I'm just pissed. Eventually, I'll be free of the anger too, and that much closer to just free.

I expect the first step is to just lower my expectations to what she has proven they should be.

Thanks, y'all.


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after 17 year marriage, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 2095 | Registered: Jan 2013
ninebark
♀ Member
Member # 24534
Default  Posted: 6:01 AM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OH I have been there and done that..lol.. But once it came back to bite ex on the ass.

He called DS and asked him if he would be going to Martial Arts class on Saturday am. DS said yes. He then said get your mom to call me when she is home. DS said yes.

DS is 12 and never remembers to tell me when someone calls, because, well he's 12.

SO Ex calls me Satuday am in a froth because we aren't at Martial Arts class and he was there waiting for us so he could stay and watch. I told him we had tickets to the Raptors game and that's where we were and I didn't even know he was back in the province.

Unfortunately DS was at fault and was spoken to about it, but he had forgotten about the game until Saturday am. But I also had to remind ex that in future he shouldn't leave anything up to DS, if he wants to talk to me, talk to me directly and if I don't call back it is probably because DS forgot to tell me. Never leave anything in the hands of the 12 year old, period.


BS (me) 40
WH - 48
Married 12 years
DS - 12
D-day 06/21/09
Separated....hopefully divorcing soon.

Posts: 630 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Canada
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 8:05 AM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My IC always told me that "anger is just grief in hiding."

I tend to agree with her. If I'm angry about something, I can usually trace it back to something I am really sad/frustrated about. Anger is just easier to deal with.

It is a process, you have to work on letting the anger go. Anger is part of the process, and one of the stages of grief. But it isn't linear, we can bounce around in the different stages. You just have to be more conscious of what the anger is really about, then try to work on letting go of it.

I would paint/ journal my feelings out. Then paint black over them. Or write, then burn the words. I would imagine a string tied to ex that I would cut and let go. Just find what works for you to let go.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4186 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
Topic Posts: 19

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