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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: I just canít seem to get rid of her.
soconfusednow
♀ Member
Member # 40078
Default  Posted: 2:51 PM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WH A happened mostly at work, he kept condoms & things OW gave him there. He preferred I didn't come to his work.

Now, I'm welcome to come there. I meet him so we can go to lunch or I bring it and we eat there. I try to live in the moment and enjoy our time together.

Then it hits me and I want to go through his desk, work area & where he keeps his personal supplies. The urge is almost overwhelming. Do I look when heís busy, with him watching me or not at all? I donít want to spoil our time together. I want to build a bridge not burn it. Iíd like to tell him how I feel, so we can work through it together. But if there is something there heíll know to hide it someplace different before I have a chance to look.

As our time is almost over the dreaded question comes. Where are you going when you leave? I want to askÖ.Why do you want to know? Do you really care or is she coming by? Do you want to make sure Iíll be gone & wonít come back? What are you doing when I leave?

Is the A really over or has it gone underground? He seems to be doing/saying all the right things. Our relationship has a long way to go yet appears better than it has been in years. Then again the reason I suspected his A 20+ years ago was he was treating me ďtoo nice.Ē The day I caught them together he wanted to know my plans for the entire day.

Iím fighting tears all the way homeÖÖ..I almost made it there before they began to fall.

Damn I hate this! We still have three people in our marriage even if heís no longer seeing the OW. I just canít seem to get rid of her.


D-Day January 2013
prior EA in the 90's
me 50
WH 52
NC-several
last broken NC 7/2013 (hopefully)
Married 29 years
2 kids
Want to believe it's over, but is it really? Will I ever trust again?

Posts: 317 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
unfound
♀ Member
Member # 12802
Default  Posted: 3:01 PM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If he's truly remorseful and in this R with you, then there should be no problem with looking through his desk right in front of him or letting him know that you're triggering about the whole work place thing. He should reassure you and help you build trust by either offering this up or understanding when you have these feelings.

The feelings themselves are perfectly normal. They can drive you nuts, I know. If you're able to talk with him about them, discuss what transparency (proactive transparency is even better) and how that transparency builds trust and eventually will lessen the more it's given, then it can get better and get back to just the two of you in the marriage.

[This message edited by unfound at 3:01 PM, October 17th (Thursday)]


ka-mai
*******************
From time to time, I do consider that I might be mad. Like any self-respecting lunatic, however, I am always quick to dismiss any doubts about my sanity. DK

Posts: 14861 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: mercury's underboob
soconfusednow
♀ Member
Member # 40078
Default  Posted: 5:36 PM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If he's truly remorseful and in this R with you,

this is what I want to believe, but my gut keeps nagging I'm just not sure it's not false R again.


D-Day January 2013
prior EA in the 90's
me 50
WH 52
NC-several
last broken NC 7/2013 (hopefully)
Married 29 years
2 kids
Want to believe it's over, but is it really? Will I ever trust again?

Posts: 317 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 5:50 PM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, you may as well get the feelings out.

I would pop in at work and tell him. Just say because of the rocky starts your mind won't let go of the thought that there are things at work he has hidden.

IMO if he is really in R he will spread his arms and say look anywhere you need to. If he isn't I would predict anger and attacking you.

I would rather know the truth. It will come out one way or the other.

Hopefully he will offer you the reassurance you need and tell you his office is open to you.

I would NOT give him a heads up obviously, if something is fishy it just gives him time to hide things.

Good luck.


ďAnd the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossomĒ
AnaÔs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3846 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
Scubachick
♀ Member
Member # 39906
Default  Posted: 11:59 PM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I stopped by on a day he was off. Asked my son for the security code to get into his office door. Brought some plastic bins with me. Surprise! I cleaned up and organized your office for you. It was a mess too. Didn't find much though.

Posts: 714 | Registered: Jul 2013
1ost0ne
♂ Member
Member # 40202
Default  Posted: 11:07 AM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We still have three people in our marriage even if heís no longer seeing the OW. I just canít seem to get rid of her.

This resonates with me as well. I constantly feel that there are three people are in our bed. It has interrupted intimacy several times.


ďThe first time someone shows you who they are, believe them.Ē
― Maya Angelou

Posts: 84 | Registered: Aug 2013
soconfusednow
♀ Member
Member # 40078
Default  Posted: 11:19 PM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I made an unplanned visit to his work. Told him I was frustrated & wanted to look through his things. I needed to get it out of my system & put it behind me. He gave me a hug and said look all you want. Then he talked to me while I was doing it, keeping the conversation lighthearted & fun.

Iím looking through everything and I find something................an old picture of me.

In my opinion he scored big time today!


D-Day January 2013
prior EA in the 90's
me 50
WH 52
NC-several
last broken NC 7/2013 (hopefully)
Married 29 years
2 kids
Want to believe it's over, but is it really? Will I ever trust again?

Posts: 317 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Raven96
♀ Member
Member # 40298
Default  Posted: 9:53 AM, October 19th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A victory for you! I am so glad you feel good, and I am very happy that his reaction to your needs was what it was!!!


Marriage isn't a test, so why cheat?

Posts: 379 | Registered: Aug 2013
Topic Posts: 8

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