I've been in this mess for a long time. I know many would wonder why I am still here. Many days I don't know why...I think fear is a big issue.
For the last 4 years, I have told SAWH that I need to see/feel/hear him "fight for me". I always thought inside that after cheating on me with his SA acting out and his 5 OW, that he should be "trying to win me back" and "convincing me to want to be married to him".
Hindsight tells me that with me "allowing" him to continue to mistreat and disrespect me that he has never HAD to fight for me or win me back. I've always been here...
I have asked him from the beginning for him to have to "tell me the story", not me having to continue to ask questions to get it out of him because I don't know if I asked all that I need to ask to get the complete story. Four years later and I'm STILL getting new info because of my questioning.
I've always wanted him to have to look me in the eyes and tell me all that he's done. I've also wanted him to write it out. I wanted him to sit there and have to write out his story, where he was mentally, how he justified and rationalized his betrayals, how they met, how it started, what he liked about them, what did he get out of it, what happened, etc... I wanted him to have to put some work into it and maybe after he was done, look at it and maybe it would hit him with a "shit... what have I done to Momoffive!"
I'm really feeling different here lately.I'm not happy with how everything has been handled these last four years. I struggle finding joy in my heart. I feel so empty. I'm tired of me always approaching him. I'm tired of my needs and requests being ignored and unmet. I'm tired of feeling so worthless... he does not make me feel special. In fact, I've only heard over the years how much better they were than me and then afterwards he saying, "Sorry for telling you that." But there they are... the words were spoken and he can't take them back. The damage was done. And his sorry's... I don't believe them, because I have heard over the years time and again, how he says what was so good about them vs me.
I was on SI the other day, and a post led me to an article, which led me to buying a book.
As I was reading it, I was amazed that everything I thought would be a no-brainer (he having to win me back, he having to tell me verbally and in writing the "story", he answering all questions, he doing everything he can so as not to lose me) is what this psychologist says needs to happen.
I'm not crazy. SAWH really should be doing 200% more than the crumbs he throws my way. This should not be an easy ride for SAWH. It should be painful but yet ultimately healing for both of us.
Now to my title...
In the 24 years of being married to an extremely self-centered SAWH, I honestly don't know what it looks like for a man to try to "fight for me" and "win me back". I've never seen/felt it.
What does it look/feel like to you?