Tomorrow will be 1 week out since I really started coming clean about everything to my BW about the affair. We have had our ups and downs this week, but the good news is that we are talking. She cries a lot and struggles while I am not home but at work, and then can be somewhawt mean (deservedly so) for awhile after I get home. But after the kids are in bed...things turn good, at least for the moment. Then it starts all over again the next day. Right now, I'm just thankful that she isn't rushing to any decisions. I know she wants to reconcile, but the logical side of her says to leave me.
My question is, how do you handle the "why?" question? She doesn't understand why I would do what I did. I don't have a good answer. I know what factors played a role:
- Some unresolved issue from giving up a child with the OW (GF at the time) 13 years ago, which being at that same hospital triggered
- Conflict avoidance leading to some unhappiness
- Opportunity existed since the OW was all too eager (I initiated contact, but she wondered what it would be like to kiss me, etc)
- "The Fog" convinced of many things, including that my marriage issues were worse than they really were, and that my past was so much better than it really was (it wasn't - the OW, when she was my GF, cheated on me, stole from me, and who knows what else)
There are more, but none of them answer why. Plenty of people have unresolved issues, avoid conflict, have opportunities for affairs, etc...but they don't. Why did I? Because I was selfish. Because I made a horrible choice. I just don't know how to answer it. It's like trying to answer why I tried to throw away everything good in my life. I struggle to find any rational answer that makes sense to me.
How do all of you answer the why question?