Reconciling is hard work, with many ups and downs. One thing I know for sure, is to find your guns and stick to them.
Time away is just that. Time away. It doesn't have to mean anything more than that. Go dark, clear your head, and see where you land. It's up to him to become the man you deserve.
First, I am sorry you are here and hurting right now. This definitely sucks.
To me, this
WH shut down, was unwilling to discuss, and said if that was a deal breaker for me, then it's time to walk.
Is a cop out. Is he looking to use you as an excuse that the marriage failed? SHE decided to go type thing? Or is he really not sure what to do.
I would let him know you are there to fight, he can either stop sulking like a child, pull up his big boy pants and start to get real or HE can leave.
I would not leave my home because he is unwilling to face the consequences of his actions.
You did nothing wrong and if he wants to get to a point where R is even a consideration he needs to do a lot of work and soul searching.
Your gut will lead you right now, the only wrong choice you can make, IMO, is to not be true to you. True to your "self" ie...don't take any abuse/sell yourself out/beg/plead KWIM?
You deserve to be allowed to hurt and be heard right now, let him listen and do the work needed before you begin to trust again.
Strength to you right now. It's really difficult in the beginning.
If he would prefer to end your marriage than to end an inappropriate friendship
I would let him go...he needs a reality slap.
I didn't realize you already left. I wouldn't go back until he was at work, then I would hefty his stuff to the door.
I did it to my H. Left all his shit on his parents lawn
Hefty bag. Lol
Part of me feels like he needs a reality check, part of me feels like there's been good progress in a short amount of time and I should not expect everything to change overnight, so long as there's progress in the right direction. But, I told him its my minimum, he said he can't do that (his business relies heavily on this relationship, but I think there are always other ways) and I said it was time for space.... So I need to stick to my guns.
Should I not push and accept steps in the right direction? I think at some point he may accept my request, but is feeling completely powerless which is a struggle/issue of his. Am I sabotaging?
Should I not push and accept steps in the right direction?
This is a choice you will have to make.
I could not be content with a husband who was only willing to fight for my marriage depending on HIS comfort level.
He can do some work, he can be somewhat faithful, he can somewhat be honest...
You deserve it all,that's what you need to realize.
Karma... I think I love you.
Hefty bag. Lol
When we talk about wearing our bitch boots we are not kidding. Sometimes you need to fight fire with fire.
It's like going from complete kleptomaniac to only stealing one really expensive car. It's still wrong, despite how clean the rest of his record is.
I know that his efforts outside of this make things really confusing, but if you look at the whole package he's still not willing to do everything within his power to treat you with the respect you deserve.
If this were an issue of folding socks it would be one thing. Not willing to give up a "professional" relationship? At best he still has deep seeded issues about boundaries to work out. At worst, he doesn't get it at all and thinks he can turn in an incomplete assignment and still pass.
Stand your ground, and take small steps towards the right path so that the journey doesn't seem as daunting.
For last year's words belong to last year's language
And next year's words await another voice.
And to make an end is to make a beginning. - T.S. Eliot
Especially after reading the comments about progress a long as its comfortable.
He hurt you. He messed up horribly. This entire process is going to be painful and picking an choosing based on what he's comfortable with is not okay.
IMO- he should be saying "I will do ANYTHING because that is how much you mean to me"
If not meeting your expectations because it might be "tough" for him is his idea of making progress, then maybe he doesn't fully realize the extent of the damage he has done. And that is no bueno. Not good.
The process is wry uncomfortable and very hard and very long- and no part of it is easy.
Ask yourself this question- what has he done - really truly done- that puts him in an uncomfortable or painful position? What has he changed, sacrificed, done to show you that you are truly worth it to him?
Stand your ground. Take care of yourself. I understand compassion and working together for R- but maybe don't worry so much about his pain or discomfort right now. Remember, you didn't cause it.
I don't understand your sitch well enough to be sure, but I believe your moving out might have been unnecessary.
IMO professional relationships are different from social ones. Sometimes R can work without killing a professional relationship.
When you said you wanted the relationship ended, did you mean right away? What's the downside of ending it? What's the upside of not ending it? Would certain boundaries make the relationship safe?
If it's a deal breaker, so be it. If it doesn't have to be, though, it would be a shame to lose your M over this.
It's too bad you skipped the MC session - that was a perfect opportunity to find out if this was miscommunication or a real problem with your H stepping up.
Have any of you had experience with setting aside time to talk about the A? I talk things to death, and that's ok if that's what I need, but maybe it shouldn't always be to him. For 6 weeks straight it's pretty much all we've talked about-all day, middle of the night, etc. I know he's dealing with his own issues...maybe I've set him up to react this way. I wonder if it wouldn't be useful and more productive to set aside specific time to discuss it, and find other outlets outside those times.
Either way, I will be sleeping elsewhere tonight otherwise I am a big pushover.
I think I have the same problem sometimes. I am a talker. My Bf is rather closed off, in general, with his deep feelings and emotions. I have mentioned to you before that he has a huge wall around his heart.
You are right about needing to just ask him to say what he feels and to sit and listen with no response. We were talking last night and I could tell he was torn up. I kept asking him what was wrong and he said "nothing". Finally I just said that if he wanted this work he needed to be willing to tell me what he is thinking and feeling and that we never really talked about that sort of thing. He opened up a little and said how shitty and terrible he felt, how he didn't deserve to be with me, and that he can't believe he did this. It isn't a lot, and he has said it before, but I'm glad he finally said something. I feel like the next step might be to ask him a bit more. Why did he do it? (asked this before but only on the day he told me), aside from this, why doesn't he think he deserve me? what does he think I can do to help him and what is he willing to do for me?
The hardest part for me is going to be to just sit and listen...
Maybe he can't eliminate it relationship completely, but it sounds like some definite walls need to be built in order to make you more comfortable. Being less than 2 months out, everything is going to seem threatening to you. HE needs to do the work in making you feel secure and be willing to do whatever it takes. It doesn't sound like he cares about consequences when it comes to this relationship, which makes me wonder why.
I don't think you should be the one to leave, though, but I understand about the stepson. I think once your stepson is done visiting then your WS needs to find another place to work. He shouldn't have the convenience of home when he is the one putting it at risk.
I wonder if it wouldn't be useful and more productive to set aside specific time to discuss it, and find other outlets outside those times.
Looking at this separately from his questionable work friend, I say yes. Absolutely yes.
My FWH has great difficulty with conflict, so he gets particularly resentful if he feels "bombarded" with questions. Some days I really did come at him at all times, but it turns out that ANY time he was not expecting to think about things caused him immediate stress. Picking a time to talk about the A and go over questions helped him lower his defenses and participate with an open mind.
The key to this is that everyone has to make good on the project. The WS has to be present and honest during the conversation, and the BS has to wait until the agreed upon time to ask questions.
It can be a great thing, if done right.
[This message edited by Jrazz at 12:37 PM, October 18th (Friday)]