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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: is this progress
Itsgoingtobeok
♂ Member
Member # 37664
Default  Posted: 7:47 PM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WW had a EM( I think there was a PA also) With this man that we have to work with. Our agreement was that my WW would only talk to this man if necessary and if she did talk to him it would be a professional conversation . Today my WW tell me this man called and she was forced to talk to him but there conversation was not professional . Now my WW feels it was ok because she's telling me he called today and about there conversation. I feel angry and upset that she decided to break our agreement but I would have never known if she didn't tell me .


BS-(52)
WS-49
married 28 yrs
Kid's -2
A- several
DD- 12-10-12
Starting recovery

"I don't understand the world today I don't understand what she needs I gave her everything she threw it all away" tom petty


Posts: 216 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Los Angeles
brokensmile322
♀ Member
Member # 35758
Default  Posted: 7:58 PM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Itsgoingtobeok)))

I am so sorry. Talk about trying to make you crazy?!


It's kind of like stealing something, then admitting you stole it. Does that make it ok?


Me BS 42 Him WS 44
OW Coworker DDay April 7, 2012
EA on a slippery slope...

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Viktor Frankl

"When you are happy, you can forgive a great deal."


Posts: 1539 | Registered: Jun 2012
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 8:17 PM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, that just plain sucks man. Any chance she is still in a bit of a fog? seems like she had to do some twisted logic (typical of a person in the fog) to 1. talk to the man when it was not critical or an emergency and 2. Tell you that she broke your agreement but felt good because she could tell you about it.

Boundaries and above reproach commitment to a BS is what a WS has to put in place to even start the R process. When any part of a NC agreement is sacrificed it hurts R...and could take the BS back to near DD emotionally.

Sorry to hear she did this.

Perhaps she doesn't think the EA was that big of a deal? If this is the case, there is substantial risk here.

Did you ever have a RAGE stage during this past 6 months? It took me a bit to get there...but until I did I was enabling my wifes behavior. We have some friends whose husband had an EA on her (perhaps a PA, but don't know that). She never did have a full rage stage...and they are stuck basically where they were at during their DD. Of course, neither of them thought this was actually cheating or that big of a deal....so it stands to reason that they have not progressed...in their mind, there is nothing to progress from.

God be with you both.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 8:20 PM, October 17th (Thursday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3965 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
AFrayedKnot
♂ Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 5:48 AM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Itsgoingtobeok)))

I don'tbelieve there is and room for grey areas in boundaries/rules. We have learned from experience that it is black or white only. NC is NC is NC. No ifs, ands, or buts.


BS 40
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2628 | Registered: Aug 2012
Itsgoingtobeok
♂ Member
Member # 37664
Default  Posted: 9:27 AM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the responses . I told my WW my displeasure and she said she was sorry in a defensive manor . No remorse for her actions . It really makes me wonder if she understands what I need? Several months since D day and a lot of MC,IC and then this. I agree nc is nc.


BS-(52)
WS-49
married 28 yrs
Kid's -2
A- several
DD- 12-10-12
Starting recovery

"I don't understand the world today I don't understand what she needs I gave her everything she threw it all away" tom petty


Posts: 216 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Los Angeles
1ost0ne
♂ Member
Member # 40202
Default  Posted: 9:27 AM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's partial progress. Sort of like keeping the door open with her OM in case R doesn't work out.

You mentioned that you both have to work with this person. Will you go broke if you stopped working with him? Will you be more broke if this continued contact continues and you D? You need to weigh the consequences between having $ and having this person in your WW's life.

Did she write a NC letter with these "professional conversation only" conditions spelled out? The OM doesn't have to obide by the agreement you and your WW have.


“The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them.”
― Maya Angelou

Posts: 84 | Registered: Aug 2013
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 11:56 AM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it's likely to be progress, but she obviously has a way to go, and she has to work to get there.

It really makes me wonder if she understands what I need?

It' not just your needs involved here - NC and strong boundaries are things she needs for her healing. If she doesn't see that, she's at risk.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10345 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Itsgoingtobeok
♂ Member
Member # 37664
Default  Posted: 4:17 PM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WW just told me she wants romance . What the hell does that mean ?


BS-(52)
WS-49
married 28 yrs
Kid's -2
A- several
DD- 12-10-12
Starting recovery

"I don't understand the world today I don't understand what she needs I gave her everything she threw it all away" tom petty


Posts: 216 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Los Angeles
jackson
♂ Member
Member # 18819
Default  Posted: 4:37 PM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It would appear that your W is a romance addict. She wants you to romance her just like the OM did. But...the problem here is that romance by the S will never in her mind meet her expectations. IC is really needed by this type of person so that they can overcome this mind set. Fantasy always trumps reality.

Posts: 790 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: Midwest
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 9:09 PM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with jackson re: the romance and IC for your wife.r

She wants romance. Hell, you want peace of mind! And her speaking to OM is not going to bring that, nor will it lead to any romance. Cripes!

In the meantime. What Chicho said about NC all the way.

"There is no room for error here". This is what I would say to my H.

I notice our D-Days are 4 days apart. (Christmas 2012 really sucked didn't it itsgoingtobeok?!)


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2441 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
devasted30
♀ Member
Member # 39439
Content  Posted: 12:16 PM, October 19th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry, posted in wrong place.

[This message edited by devasted30 at 12:19 PM, October 19th (Saturday)]


And remember Murphy is right. Nothing is so bad that it can't get worse!!!

Posts: 1319 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Ontario, Canada
Itsgoingtobeok
♂ Member
Member # 37664
Default  Posted: 12:36 PM, October 19th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Christmas was terrible LA44 . Difficult to see loving family's when your M is falling apart .I asked my WW if she thought it was wrong that she talked to the OM .She told me "I didn't think I was doing any thing wrong because he called our office ". I asked my WW don't you remember our agreement that if you had to talk to him you were to be professional only yes or no answers to his questions ? Her response to me was " I havn't cheat on you for almost a year now " I told her the number one thing I need is to feel safe . I need you to prove to me you can be faithful physically and emotionally


BS-(52)
WS-49
married 28 yrs
Kid's -2
A- several
DD- 12-10-12
Starting recovery

"I don't understand the world today I don't understand what she needs I gave her everything she threw it all away" tom petty


Posts: 216 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Los Angeles
Topic Posts: 12

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