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User Topic: I've been told I'm breaking the cardinal rule
CuckoldedinMa
♂ Member
Member # 38283
Default  Posted: 8:15 PM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, I'm not sure who here remembers my saga, and I won't belabor explaining here. Suffice it to say, I after DD#3 with STBXW, I have moved out and am starting to move on. I started dating literally the day after I moved into my new place. My logic then was that I was determined not to waste another nanosecond of time on a relationship that I had been more or less forcefully ejected from. I had a surprising amount of success (surprising at least to me)in landing dates, and have had a lot of fun.

What I didn't suspect is that I would already be head over heels in love again. But I am. What complicates matters for me is that I had already made plans to move to Hawaii to live with my sister, and eventually get a place of my own. I've been very upfront with her since our first date about my plans, but she took the plunge anyways.

As the process of divorce drags on and on (I won't even go into a side rant about how completely unresponsive my lawyer has been, although it's tempting), we fall deeper and deeper in love with each other. I know this is only making it harder.

To further complicate matters, I had made an arrangement with my employer in which they were going to let me keep my job and work from Hawaii. What I had not anticipated was the organizational change that took place several weeks ago, in which I was informed that my boss (and his boss) were no longer such. There is allegedly a new reporting structure, but short of a new VP (who we've heard nothing from as of yet), we have no details. So, I'm not even sure if I will have to make my Hawaii sales pitch all over again to someone new, who I have no relationship with. I feel as if my whole plan may be in jeopardy, but I don't know for sure.

What brought me back here to SI is the recent realization that I still have some healing to do. Trust issues, of course. My new love interest has a friend which she has openly admitted to having some brief kissing contact with this past summer: but she has assured me that they are purely friends.

She knows my situation - and I made it clear to her that while I appreciated the honesty from her, I was having a bit of a difficult time with trust.

This week, she's been over to his place, and he's now over at hers, apparently to discuss his recent breakup. I'm trying very hard to trust, but I can't help but feel a little like she's disregarding my feelings somewhat.

As we've only been dating for 6 weeks now, I don't feel it's reasonable for me to ask her to not see who she considers a close friend in order to assuage my fears.

How to trust again? *sigh*

[This message edited by CuckoldedinMa at 8:17 PM, October 17th (Thursday)]


D-Day, 1/27/13
D-Day #2 4/21/13
D-Day #3 7/22/13
Me: BS (41)
Her :WS (43)
Married 13 years, together 21.
STATUS: Separated, divorcing

Posts: 162 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Boston, MA area
courageous
♀ Member
Member # 34477
Default  Posted: 8:31 PM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As we've only been dating for 6 weeks now

I'm sorry but that is not a long time. You need to heal from the breakup of your marriage before you are in a new relationship. It sounds like things are going way to fast.

But I know that's not why you posted... Does she know your wife cheated on you? If so it sounds like she is not:

1. Into this relationship as you are
2. Maybe she isn't thinking you two are exclusively dating
3. Either doesn't understand how her being around that guy makes you feel or doesn't care

She isn't your wife so don't paint her with the same brush. The other issue with not healing before moving onto a new relationship is that broken attracts broken.


Me: BW (35)
Him: ExWH (31) EA/PA with MOW coworker
Married 9 years, 2 small kids
dday 3/12/2011 divorced fall 2012

My ipad does a lot of crazy typos.


Posts: 651 | Registered: Jan 2012
lieshurt
♀ Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 8:32 PM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How to trust again?

You heal first before trying to jump into another relationship.


Walk away from anything or anyone who takes away your joy. Life is too short to put up with fools.

Posts: 13810 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
Catwoman
♀ Member
Member # 1330
Default  Posted: 8:35 PM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Personally, I think you have a lot of healing AND concentrating on you to do before you can be a healthy person for a relationship. Your work situation may be requiring a lot more in the coming days. You need to be prepared for that.

Secondly, you have been seeing this woman six weeks. Six WEEKS. She had a fling with a friend before you got together (and frankly, it really isn't your business what she did before you two started dating). Now, the ongoing contact can be worrisome. I get that. But are you exclusive? Seeing that you were going to be leaving soon for far, far away, is it reasonable to expect her to be monogamous if you haven't explicitly discussed it?

That giddy, over-the-top feeling isn't love after six weeks; it is limerance.

My advice is to figure out you and your situation first before involving others. Yes, this is very much a balm to your wounded heart, but at another person's expense.

Cat

[This message edited by Catwoman at 8:36 PM, October 17th (Thursday)]


FBS: Married 20 years, 2 daughters 25 and 22. Divorced by the grace of GOD.
D-Days: 2/23/93; 10/11/97; 3/5/03
Ex & OW Broke up 12-10
"An erection does not count as personal growth."

Posts: 29667 | Registered: Apr 2003 | From: Massachusetts
CuckoldedinMa
♂ Member
Member # 38283
Default  Posted: 9:23 PM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Secondly, you have been seeing this woman six weeks. Six WEEKS. She had a fling with a friend before you got together (and frankly, it really isn't your business what she did before you two started dating). Now, the ongoing contact can be worrisome. I get that. But are you exclusive? Seeing that you were going to be leaving soon for far, far away, is it reasonable to expect her to be monogamous if you haven't explicitly discussed it?

We have explicitly discussed it. She, in fact, asked me to take down my dating profile. To which I complied, after some waffling.

Ouch. Tough love here, folks. I appreciate the feedback.

My question is this: How do you know when you have healed? I just spoke with my mom, who has also been through a betrayal of trust. She tells me that a decade later, she still struggles with trust issues.


D-Day, 1/27/13
D-Day #2 4/21/13
D-Day #3 7/22/13
Me: BS (41)
Her :WS (43)
Married 13 years, together 21.
STATUS: Separated, divorcing

Posts: 162 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Boston, MA area
CuckoldedinMa
♂ Member
Member # 38283
Default  Posted: 9:31 PM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But I know that's not why you posted... Does she know your wife cheated on you? If so it sounds like she is not:

1. Into this relationship as you are
2. Maybe she isn't thinking you two are exclusively dating
3. Either doesn't understand how her being around that guy makes you feel or doesn't care

She isn't your wife so don't paint her with the same brush. The other issue with not healing before moving onto a new relationship is that broken attracts broken.

I'm quite confident that it's #3. I think she doesn't understand. I plan on telling her how uncomfortable it's making me, and being very clear about it. If it continues, however, it may be time to move on.


D-Day, 1/27/13
D-Day #2 4/21/13
D-Day #3 7/22/13
Me: BS (41)
Her :WS (43)
Married 13 years, together 21.
STATUS: Separated, divorcing

Posts: 162 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Boston, MA area
Grace and Flowers
♀ Member
Member # 34431
Default  Posted: 11:47 PM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dude.
Stop. Breathe.

You were in a 21 year relationship, are not yet divorced, and are worried about a SIX WEEK relationship?

Gently....it is WAY too soon to be in this deep. IMHO. Your ride on the rollercoaster is far from over, friend, and you should probably not be diving in "head over heels" until you're unbuckling the safety strap.

How to trust? Well, since you've only known her 6 weeks, I can see how trust might be an issue. But you also still have a lot of work to do for yourself.

I'm not trying to be harsh...just hoping you'll breathe and take a step back. If your employer is still ok with the Hawaii idea, would you still go? Or would you stay where you are for the new gal? Please, be careful when thinking of changing major life plans for someone you hardly know.

If you already have "fears", then that is a red flag. Perhaps not because of her behavior, but maybe because of your readiness to be in a serious relationship at this point.

Everyone is different, but I know I wasn't ready to date until I was divorced and had worked hard on understanding what kind of a partner I was. I also needed to reach a place where I was fully comfortable and happy being single, and I didn't "need" to be in a relationship. After that, meeting a great guy was icing on the cake...but my life was also fine without him.

I'm hoping this makes sense. But it sounds like you have a lot of baggage you need to unload and tidy up before you try another relationship.

Good luck!


I'm Happy, not Sad!

Posts: 1176 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: US
tabitha95
♀ Member
Member # 22033
Default  Posted: 12:20 AM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I started dating right after the separation and got way too involved with someone immediately. I missed a lot of red flags....his drinking problem, his inability to keep a job, his lack of taking responsibility for his own life.

I woke up and realized that I was still being co-dependent, just as I was with my marriage.

I fell in love very quickly, probably because of how ex made me feel rejected and undesirable/unimportant/unnecessary, and this guy was very into me. I'm guessing because I was being blind to his issues.


BW (me) - 45
DS 14, DS 11
D-Day#1: Oct 30, 2008
D-Day#2: June 3, 2011 (same MOW) Separation: June 3, 2011
Divorce finalized: Feb 2012 (due to 6 month waiting period).

Posts: 3250 | Registered: Dec 2008
wildbananas
♀ Member
Member # 10552
Default  Posted: 12:47 AM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I also jumped out of my (17 year) marriage and almost directly into a new, full-blown relationship. I overlooked so many bad things in the name of making it work. My point of reference for relationships was so skewed, I didn't know how to tell healthy from AFU.

It took me four years and a LOT of heartache to untangle myself from that mess. I took almost two years off to get my head on straight and that was the best thing I could have done. I only wish I'd done it sooner.

I've recently started seeing someone new and it's so much better than I thought it could be. There's no tension or drama or guesswork... it's calm and fun and completely drama-free. I have my head together (as does he) and the best part is if it all blows up tomorrow, I know I'll be just fine.

Count me in the "heal before moving on" camp.

[This message edited by wildbananas at 12:48 AM, October 18th (Friday)]


Travel light, live light, spread the light, be the light. ~ Yogi Bhajan

Posts: 15415 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Now an AZ girl
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 1:24 AM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Count me among the jumped into dating too soon after my marriage ended.

That relationship lasted 8 years, Till he cheated. The ending of that relationship in many ways was harder to deal with than the betrayal from my H of 18 years. This person knew my history, He was also a BS, And yet He found himself on that slippery slope of becoming more than friends with someone he mentored. Had I been healthier at the beginning of our relationship the red flags would have turned me away. I would have listened to them..and not ignored them.

I haven't been on a date for over a year. I'm getting myself together before venturing into that pond.

And yes, I have trust Issues for a long time.

Hugs,

K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5284 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
Newlease
♀ Member
Member # 7767
Default  Posted: 9:39 AM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ouch. Tough love here, folks. I appreciate the feedback.

You don't always get what you want in this forum, but sometimes, you'll find, you get what you need. We are all just trying to give you the benefit of our hard-earned experience in the dating after D arena.

There are a few (very few) relationships that have stuck and been good that started immediately after the D. Most of us have had another kind of experience that piled more pain on top of the pain we already experienced.

Take a breath. Figure out your work situation. Slow down. Head over heels does not always lead to a lasting relationship.

My marriage broke up after 24 years. I was in total shock. I started dating 9 months after the D was final - way TOO soon. Because the guy came on strong and said all the right things. I ignored all the red flags because I felt like I had something to prove.

Now it is 8 years after the D. I am in a very solid relationship with a good man. We have been dating for 3 1/2 years and I just moved in with him. I will take slow and steady over head over heels any day of the week.

Sending strength and peace.

NL


Even if you can't control the world around you, you are still the master of your own soul.

Posts: 7744 | Registered: Aug 2005
CuckoldedinMa
♂ Member
Member # 38283
Default  Posted: 10:04 AM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OK, so I do appreciate the feedback, like I said. I will definitely step back and take it slower and steadier. Once I get a feel for the new situation here at work, I will re-examine the Hawaii situation. I still plan on it as of right now. However, I do know that the longer that things go with her, the harder it will be to leave.

I should have expected this kind of response, as I have this horrible tendency to come here in a moment of weakness and doubt. Short of this particular issue, which is _my_ issue to deal with, and which I'll obviously be struggling with for years (if not forever)... my experience so far has been overwhelmingly positive. I dated several other people, and had the opportunity to latch on to people that were far more wrong for me than she has been. I did not. It just kind of happened this way. We're both rather shocked at how right this feels, and it likely is the most prudent course of action to at a minimum, take a step back.

What I'm not willing to do is to deny myself happiness with someone else because of a little pain and uncertainty from time to time. I still have work to do on myself, which I plan to continue to do. Like I said, she knows my situation, including the potential move to Hawaii, and she's in anyways. Very much so. I don't think it's fair to either of us to arbitrarily break it off at the first bump in the road.

Looking forward to the slew of "Gently" responses!

[This message edited by CuckoldedinMa at 10:05 AM, October 18th (Friday)]


D-Day, 1/27/13
D-Day #2 4/21/13
D-Day #3 7/22/13
Me: BS (41)
Her :WS (43)
Married 13 years, together 21.
STATUS: Separated, divorcing

Posts: 162 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Boston, MA area
alphakitte
♀ Member
Member # 33438
Default  Posted: 10:20 AM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What I'm not willing to do is to deny myself happiness with someone else because of a little pain and uncertainty from time to time. I still have work to do on myself, which I plan to continue to do. Like I said, she knows my situation, including the potential move to Hawaii, and she's in anyways

Which is akin to saying it is okay to race down a road that abruptly ends, due to a recent landslide, even though there are warning signs posted and road closure gates erected.


------ Some people are emotional tadpoles. Even if they mature they are just a warty toad. Catt

Posts: 350 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: 3 klicks north of Ambiguous
wildbananas
♀ Member
Member # 10552
Default  Posted: 10:35 AM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What I'm not willing to do is to deny myself happiness with someone else because of a little pain and uncertainty from time to time. I still have work to do on myself, which I plan to continue to do.

In my experience, it's almost impossible to run working on yourself and building a new relationship after a bad one parallel. When I tried it, neither got the full attention it deserved.

Just my haypenny.


Travel light, live light, spread the light, be the light. ~ Yogi Bhajan

Posts: 15415 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Now an AZ girl
CuckoldedinMa
♂ Member
Member # 38283
Default  Posted: 10:47 AM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Which is akin to saying it is okay to race down a road that abruptly ends, due to a recent landslide, even though there are warning signs posted and road closure gates erected.

Umm... this might be a tad bit dramatic here.


D-Day, 1/27/13
D-Day #2 4/21/13
D-Day #3 7/22/13
Me: BS (41)
Her :WS (43)
Married 13 years, together 21.
STATUS: Separated, divorcing

Posts: 162 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Boston, MA area
osxgirl
♀ Member
Member # 8795
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The only thing I can tell you is this: from time to time, someone new comes in and asks about dating/a new relationship, even though he/she is not yet divorced, newly separated, or just barely out of an XX year marriage.

That person gets a lot of gentle nudges about how it's too soon, how few relationships work out, how healing is needed before jumping in again.. and there's usually a few first-hand stories of how badly a "too soon" relationship went.

This is usually accompanied by a few "well, I jumped in before we were D'd/just after we separated/before the ink was dry on the D papers/etc., and it's working great!" Those stories are usually from someone who is less than a year in that R, sometimes a bit more than that, but not much.

And the person who asked the original question starts getting defensive about the choice to date so soon.

And in most cases, we end up hearing later from those who interjected about the new relationships being great and from the original poster about how things crashed and burned and they got hurt again. Often, this happens in yet another thread where someone is asking about dating early on in the D process.

And the cycle repeats.

I'm not being harsh with you here - you could be one of the few who really is ok to move ahead this soon. But.... odds are not with you on this.

We're all just saying that experience has taught us that when it's this soon and you think you are ready for a new relationship, you're probably fooling yourself. It seems to be a natural reaction. If it were easy to know when you're in the situation that you really aren't ready yet, this question wouldn't come up so often, and we wouldn't see so many people that say "been there, done that, learn from me and wait."

At least, really really think about it. Because this is a trap a whole lot of us fall into when going through the whole infidelity and divorce mess.


Posts: 2405 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: Maryland
Helen of Troy
♀ Member
Member # 26419
Default  Posted: 11:44 AM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been told I'm breaking the cardinal rule. I started dating literally the day after I moved into my new place.

Yes, you are. Breaking that rule and from what you've written here about your current relationship it is proving you are not one of the exceptions. I don't mean to be mean but when you have had time to process and step away from this, seeing it from the outside in you will understand.


Posts: 4715 | Registered: Dec 2009
lieshurt
♀ Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 12:04 PM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

osxgirl is correct about this. I can't remember the number of times we've seen this happen and rarely doesn't it end well.


Walk away from anything or anyone who takes away your joy. Life is too short to put up with fools.

Posts: 13810 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
Crescita
♀ Member
Member # 32616
Default  Posted: 12:50 PM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Two things jumping out at me;

1) Trust “issues” are natural, with or without prior infidelity
2) The pending move is something that needs to be addressed

I think one of the most damaging things about infidelity is that people tend to attribute present gut feelings to the past. It’s not all about being damaged goods. Your relationship is still young, this is the trust building phase, you shouldn’t trust until you know each other well and are able to respect each other’s boundaries. I’m not saying you should be looking through each other’s phones and exchanging passwords, but you build trust by behaving in a manner that is honest and respectful.

Having close friends of the opposite sex while in a relationship is well outside my comfort zone. Not saying I end friendships as soon as I start dating, but a little distance is good for establishing clear boundaries and trust. Good friends with no romantic interest should understand and be respectful of your desire to get a new relationship off on the right foot. They would do the same. Those friendships can survive a little cooling off period.

Now the relocation enters the equation, and her hesitance to distance herself from this friend makes a little more sense. It’s like she is keeping a window open in case you close the door. It might not even be a conscious decision, but I’m sure your possible move is making it more difficult for her to make that mental commitment to put you front and center.

I think you need to table the move or table the relationship. It is going to be very difficult to move forward with both simultaneously because you will both be hesitant to commit. Not knowing where something is going and taking it slow is one thing, but saying this is probably going to end before you even start is another.

Just something to consider and discuss.


“Happiness cannot be pursued; it must ensue.” ― Viktor E. Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning

Posts: 3459 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: The Valley of the Sun
sparkysable
♀ Member
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 1:18 PM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My new love interest has a friend which she has openly admitted to having some brief kissing contact with this past summer: but she has assured me that they are purely friends.
Um, HELL fuck no.


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3416 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
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