I have been more and more aware lately that I will NEVER be a parent - that I am basically a nanny to my stepkids. I feel like WH doesn't love me enough to have kids with me but he is fine letting me take care of his kids. And I have to spend the whole weekend doing the "family weekend" thing at my stepdaughters college. What a joke.
Oh, and for the past 2 weeks I have been back and forth to different MDs because I have had some mystery bleeding. FML.
And I am too too too tired to try to change anything. So, yeah, we are reconciling out of laziness.
I could have almost wrote this post, with the exception of the step children (I had two in my past relationship, and I gave everything for them, but he never saw any of it). It's so hard to not have someone to share these things with.Keep posting here! That's what keeps me sane.
Have you thought about giving yourself a holiday from it all? Take the Thanksgiving holiday and go somewhere alone? You need a break, and he needs to see what he's losing. In a sense, it's doing the 180. I took a four day trip, after I left my XH. He had come back for a visit to see the five kids. I decided to give him the house for four days, and let him be their dad. I traveled by car to a few different states, saw a friend, and just relaxed. I became even more happy to be alone with myself. I LOVED IT!!! At the same time, I took away his ability to influence my days while he was there. I removed myself.
It sounds like you're a strong woman, and that's something to be proud of!
Plus - part of being resigned is that I don't WANT to see friends, or family, or explain anything to anyone including the kids.
And $, yep, I'm no where near as financially set as I was when I took that trip years ago. Today, my idea of splurging is a $5 cup of coffee at the Starbucks, as I run around shopping in the local Target. And I don't even like Starbucks.
I hope you can get some answers about the bleeding. I know for a fact all this crap does a serious number on our bodies. I've never felt so old in my life. It would be nice if we had the energy to actualy feel better.
I am sorry you feel this way. You may be in "R" but you can always change your mind. Be lazy now, take time for you. Keep getting stronger by not being everyone's doormat, and you can make bigger decisions later.
Maybe after Thanksgiving you can go and visit your mom ALONE. No siblings, no WS, just you and your mom. Enjoy her while you have her, and make it quality time...not time where you have to fake being happy around a bunch of people you don't want to be around.
Also, never say never in having kids. My WH's son was 14 when our daughter was born. Whether you stay or go, you can be a mom anytime you want. Don't ever sacrifice having a child, if that is what you want. Things have a funny way of falling into place. Hang in there.
Stick to your guns, and don't worry about being resigned. You can be anything you want to be during this time. They say it takes 2-5 YEARS to make progress. You're only 5 months out. Cut yourself some slack!!!
Wishing you lots of strength today!!
I do see that you have some negative thinking going on . . I doubt it is that your husband doesn't "love you enough" to have kids with you. Is that what he said?
Stepparenting is so massively hard, so kudos to you.
Try to hang in there, and maybe you two should do something together? Are you going out at all? I'd bust out of those 4 walls and find something fun to do. We exercise, but that is just us. . . try to find some solace where you can.
Hang in there!
[This message edited by bionicgal at 8:28 AM, October 18th (Friday)]
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA/then PA
In MC & Reconciling
I edit, therefore I am.
Hang in there, and go for a jog!
[This message edited by Gr8Lady at 12:49 PM, October 18th (Friday)]