Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: dass (44328)

Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Healing Time for the Betrayer
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 8:02 AM, October 20th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He is saying that time alone is what he needs to help himself repair the feelings of guilt and such.

Well, feelings dissipate over time, but is his becoming guilt-free what you want and need? Is it really what he needs for himself?

To me, R requires the WS to change from a person who betrayed a loved one to a person who is a great partner and who won't betray anyone again. That typically requires going deep inside and finding and healing what's broken. He may need to forgive himself, but it's just narcissism if he forgives without making changes.

IDK...I've kept responding to your thread because something raises flags for me that say you're not acting in your own best interests, but you're a better judge of that than I am.


fBH (me) - 65+, fWW (her) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9773 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Trying2013
♀ New Member
Member # 41024
Default  Posted: 8:38 AM, October 20th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I appreciate the responses. They definitely bring things up that I don't always consider.

He may need to forgive himself, but it's just narcissism if he forgives without making changes.

He is definitely not suffering with narcissism. He is the opposite. His self esteem is low and he doesn't see any good in him self right now. He is trying to find a way to forgive, or at least accept, himself so that he we and he can find a way to make sure it doesn't happen again. If he continues to hate himself for this, he will never be able to find his own self worth. That is what he seems to need to do. He has insecurities about himself that made him make the decision to cheat. He is trying to find a way to say "Yes I cheated, but that is not the person I want to be."


Patience is the key to joy

Posts: 49 | Registered: Oct 2013
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 1:41 PM, October 20th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He is definitely not suffering with narcissism. ...His self esteem is low and he doesn't see any good in him self right now.

Believe me, low self-esteem can go with narcissism, and the more you write about your Bf, the more it sounds like they go together for him.

Narcissism is pretty much 'it's all about the narcissist'. Guilt in particular is a red flag - it says he's saying 'Woe is me! Woe is me!'

Remorse is pretty much, 'What can I do to fix this?'

Given what you write, especially given that he's withdrawing from you, it sounds like he's in 'woe is me' mode.

Look, changing from a betrayer to a good partner is not simply a matter of will. It take self-examination and action based on that examination. The introspection part of the work is crazy-making, and I think it's an extremely rare person who can do it by withdrawing and spending time with friends.

Have you spent much time in the Healing Library? (Link's in the yellow box, upper left of SI pages.) Have you read NOT "Just Friends"? Reading in the HL and NJF is likely to be a very good investment for you.


fBH (me) - 65+, fWW (her) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9773 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Topic Posts: 23
Pages: 1 · 2

Return to Forum: Reconciliation Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.