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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Confused, needing advice
Broken1213
♀ New Member
Member # 39613
Stop  Posted: 11:14 AM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, for those of you who don't know, I had an EA with my husband's coworker. My husband rarely works with this man, but occassionally they have to and still hang out socially (work related functions). Well, the OM texted my husband on Saturday night while we were watching our alma matter's football game. He knows we are huge fans and watch all the games. They texted back and forth about the game for about an hour or two. It was all game related and I'm glad that they can be civil; but it's still weird to me. I really don't want my husband to talk with this man. I completely understand if he needs to for work, but I fear that this man is trying to be "friends" with us again. Whenever I would stop texting/emailing OM for awhile, he would text my husband to invite him to work related outings. He would later tell me (when we were in contact again) that he only invited my husband so that I would attend the outing as well. OM was always trying to get me to meet with him even when my husband couldn't attend an outing. I'm concerned that OM may be trying to do this again. My BS is such a nice guy, I fear that he would backslide and say it was okay for all of us to hang out again. I fear that I would backslide and agree. I have already told my husband that I do not want to spend anytime with the OM. When I try to talk with my BS about this situation, he tells me that he doesn't want to talk about it and to wait for him to bring up any discussion about the affair. I'm going to see my counselor about this, but I can't get in to see her for awhile. Any thoughts? Oh and OM's wife does not know about the EA. She texted me on my birthday wishing me a happy birthday. BH does not want to tell her, so we didn't.


WW (me) 33
BS 37
Working towards recovery after an EA

Posts: 20 | Registered: Jun 2013
LosferWords
♂ Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 2:07 PM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Broken1213. I'm really not sure where this behavior is coming from. Do you think there is any chance that your husband feels that he has to stay friendly with the OM for the sake of his job?

Wanted to bump this thread up to the top again, in the hopes that others will have additional insight.


Posts: 4549 | Registered: Dec 2010
Broken1213
♀ New Member
Member # 39613
Default  Posted: 2:22 PM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks LW for the reply. I think he may be acting this way for several reasons: he likes to get along with everyone and he may be downplaying what happened between me and the OM. BS may want to seem like it wasn't a big deal to him--though I know he thinks it was a big deal--he even contemplated divorce very briefly. I also think OM may intimidate him. OM was his former boss at one point--not during EA. Maybe that's it?


WW (me) 33
BS 37
Working towards recovery after an EA

Posts: 20 | Registered: Jun 2013
SandAway
♀ Member
Member # 37775
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He would later tell me (when we were in contact again) that he only invited my husband so that I would attend the outing as well. OM was always trying to get me to meet with him even when my husband couldn't attend an outing. I'm concerned that OM may be trying to do this again.

Does your BH know this??


fWW
BH Tred
M 16yrs
DDay Nov. 2011

Guns don't kill people; Affairs kill people


Posts: 404 | Registered: Dec 2012
Broken1213
♀ New Member
Member # 39613
Default  Posted: 2:38 PM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I told BH that OM wanted me to attend an event when BH was out of town, but this was before BH found out about EA. I don't think I told him that OM told me that he only invited BH to things in the hopes that he would see me. How do I tell BH this without him getting mad that I'm bringing up the A again?


WW (me) 33
BS 37
Working towards recovery after an EA

Posts: 20 | Registered: Jun 2013
breakingpoint
♀ Member
Member # 40963
Default  Posted: 7:09 PM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have learned that elephants in the room are rug sweeping. Don't avoid the topic of the A. Everyone is thinking about still, and if you aren't talking than you aren't being honest with each other and maintaining true emotional intimacy.

Could you refer him to this site so he can read about all of the pitfalls for himself?


Posts: 115 | Registered: Oct 2013
Broken1213
♀ New Member
Member # 39613
Default  Posted: 6:50 AM, October 21st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks breakingpoint. I've told him about this site, but I think I'll bring it up again. I'll definitely try talking with him again.


WW (me) 33
BS 37
Working towards recovery after an EA

Posts: 20 | Registered: Jun 2013
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 8:12 AM, October 21st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think the bigger question is, how can you NOT tell your husband that the co-worker used him to get you around? He needs to know. Otherwise, your husband is inadvertently playing with a fire he doesn't know is there. And if he chooses to be BFF with the dude anyway, that doesn't mean you have to.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"You can do it!" - R. Schneider


Posts: 5456 | Registered: Nov 2011
bionicgal
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 8:42 AM, October 21st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agrree with Aubrie. But also, do men sometimes not realize the seriousness of an affair if it isn't physical?


me - BS (45)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA/PA
In MC & Reconciling
"An affair is more akin to a mental illness than a relationship."

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 1346 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 8:48 AM, October 21st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I dunno. I think all people are different. What some people deem "no big deal" was a huge deal to my husband. Nearly destroyed us.

Sometimes people don't understand it, therefore it's "no big deal". Maybe they can rug sweep it because nothing physical happened and therefore, "They didn't *really* cheat." Who knows.

In my case, I most assuredly was cheating. Its a no-brainer. And had it gone on, my EA would have been total PA. It was a progression thing.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"You can do it!" - R. Schneider


Posts: 5456 | Registered: Nov 2011
nealos
♂ Member
Member # 35284
Default  Posted: 9:04 AM, October 21st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it's your duty here to establish and maintain a boundary that is healthy for YOU. The dynamic you describe sounds tricky because of your husband's work life and the OM's history of manipulative tactics. I really think that you have to establish a boundary for YOU, and let your husband make/have his own. Someone else said it on here-- You should tell your husband how you feel (it will help build intimacy and trust, if nothing else). If the boundary you decide you need is that you won't attend social settings where OM is present, then your husband still has the prerogative and space to make his own boundaries about his work life.

So my advice is to establish a boundary for YOU, acknowledge what you can't control, and be honest and forthcoming about this to your husband. Keep your side of the street clean-- it's all you can do.


31yo WS-SA

“When we disclose the thought and intents of our hearts in surrender, we identify with one another at depth.”


Posts: 254 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: 5280'
Broken1213
♀ New Member
Member # 39613
Default  Posted: 9:11 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you everyone for your advice. I agree, I need to continue communication with BH about the affair and continue to maintain my boundaries with AP (no contact).


WW (me) 33
BS 37
Working towards recovery after an EA

Posts: 20 | Registered: Jun 2013
Topic Posts: 12

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