I have a obsessive personality. It bring me great success and also some pain.. I dwell.. I drive.. etc.. And when someone cheats.. being obsessive is not so good in the sense you focus on the ugly.
I will make one comment to you....
Thoughts come before feelings.
Any suggestions on how to help myself get the obsessive thoughts of the AP out of my mind.
Some of us can stop focusing on the AP faster than others. All the anger I initially had towards OM was quickly refocused towards my WW when I realized that she made the vows to me and she knowingly decieved me for years. The OM isn't relevant to me. What is relevant is how a person that was supposed to have my back could do the things she did to me and smile in my and my childrens face on a daily basis.
So for me, the OM was no longer relevant because in my case it literally could have been anyone. This LTA wasn't my STBXW's first A so to me it became obvious that SHE was in fact the problem. Would I pee on OM if he was on fire, nope, but I also wouldn't go out of my way to run him over if I saw him walking across the street in front of me. Getting to indifference is the key and for some it's harder than others especially if you have an AP that won't go away.
The mental energy you spend thinking about the AP is energy that you really should be spending on yourself. It takes time to get there but it's doable. It is a struggle to stop focusing on the AP but its one you can win. It really helps if your WS is remorseful, transparent, and actually NC. I wish you the best. Others will be along shortly with more advice I am sure.
ETA: what are you doing to take care of yourself? I found that keeping myself busy helped in many areas as I tried to cope with the shitstorm. Get busy rediscovering who you are as an individual. Restart some old hobbies, start some new hobbies go out with friends volunteer, whatever it is you like to do go do it again. Staying active helps until you can reach a point where indifference is within reach.
[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 9:23 AM, October 29th (Tuesday)]
7yrs: We were cross posting. Once again, a great post. Your posts are not only helping the person you are addressing, but are helping me tremendously! Thank you!
[This message edited by honesttoafault at 9:51 AM, October 29th (Tuesday)]
He was not married therefore technically, he could screw who he wanted. He did not have an affair. An affair is only when married.
Tryn: Yes TECHNICALLY not an affair if you are not married, but if you are in a monogamous relationship with another person, it is understood that there are no others. IT STILL HURTS!!!!
My WH gave me the same line about not being married when he was seeing other people when we were supposedly BF/GF and talking about getting married and looking for a house together. I was ready to leave him then. But all his sweet talk, and saying he was sorry and he wouldn't do that if we were really married, blah, blah blah. I loved him so much that I bought it. I found out 20 years later that he was still talking to the OW (who didn't know he M me) She was the one who broke it off when she found out. That was the first of many I later found out.
I should have listened to my gut at the time and not M him.
We can't go back. I can only go forward.
RSEB: I'm glad that your BH went to MC. Perhaps you can agree with him that for the time being you will not discuss the A outside of the MC office? Once he has a better hold of his anger you might be able to. You also need to tell him that while he allowed to FEEL any emotion he wants, it is not appropriate or acceptable to act on those emotions in any way we want. Let him know gently when he is calm that the next time he loses his temper like that, that you are going to leave the room until he is calm. Let him know that nothing will get accomplished when he is yelling and also you will not tolerate being disrepected. And as Tryn says, "reset" the moment. You might even hug him and let him know how hard this is for him and change the subject to something cheerful.
You may want to set a time period for the MC, to see if there is any changes or improvement to give the M if that is what you want. Hopefully, your BH may want to see IC to help him with his FOO, since he sounds so depressed and unhappy. All you can do is lend your support.
[This message edited by honesttoafault at 9:45 AM, October 29th (Tuesday)]
[This message edited by honesttoafault at 9:40 AM, October 29th (Tuesday)]
The trigger for all this fear? WH has a meeting today - in a city he stayed with OW two hours from our new home 8 hours from where we lived at the time. It was in this conference center that he told me via phone (with her) that he wanted a divorce, etc. etc. etc.
What really set me off today? He didn't tell me he loved me in our text conversation from his office before he left for the drive even though he must have told me 6 times before he left the house this morning.
I think I'm going insane, and these are the times when I usually sabotage any attempts at R with my insecurity and neediness.
I'm trying to stay strong until he can contact me after his meeting, but it's proving very difficult to do.
I have loved my husband for the kind person that he has been. But, I also took for granted that no one else would want him. No matter what I did or did not do, his choice was to turn away from me and towards another woman. By doing this, he took away my choices and he took away the opportunity to make our marriage better.
Thank you all for giving me the feedback. Especially the insight on clearing my head of the obsessive focus on the OW. You are right, the donkey is not important. I just don't trust my husband. That's it! However, I do trust my instincts. I was right way back when and will trust myself going forward.
I wish that I could beat the crap out of him. I want him to bleed and have the visible scars that I do. Yes, I am scarred. My personality has changed, I have changed. Nothing and no one will ever hurt me again. I hate what this situation has done to me. I now have PTSD. I have lost my hair, can't sleep, drink alcohol and have gained weight.
My doctor has prescribed Zanax but that is not enough. I'll be speaking with a psychiatrist instead of a psychologist because talk therapy is not enough.
I wish that I could beat the crap out of him.
We all get beatdown by this mess. Try to do something for you even if it's small each day. It takes awhile to get going but it really does help. Come here and vent as needed.
Especially the insight on clearing my head of the obsessive focus on the OW.
Take care of you...stop the drinking....join a gym...and get some massages to relax and be pampered. Take a trip to see some old friends.
We are here for you. Glad you joined our sub-community.
with my insecurity and neediness.
Has he been transparent and answered all of your questions about the affair?
Do you feel that your WH is 100% committed to reconciling?
If you are not sure of any of these things then that will surely add to your stress and anxiety.
Your thoughts about the OW are very common. The BS tries to make sense of the infidelity by obsessing over details.
And those of us that have been traumatized by the infidelity exhibit symptoms of PTSD.
Seeing a psychiatrist for meds is a good idea but so is seeing a therapist to work through your fears etc.
Maybe trying a different therapist is something to consider? Not all therapists know how to handle post infidelity trauma.
I saw a therapist for 4 yrs after d-day. It definitely helped me.
You can also look into finding someone that is experienced with EMDR- a therapy used for PTSD.
[This message edited by njgal480 at 5:53 PM, October 29th (Tuesday)]
My "prize" has so many FOO issues. When we met and married I had no idea that what I saw would eventually impact my world. All I wanted to do was to love all that hurt away. I have learned from my own IC that I could not love him enough to fill the hole in his soul.
I can not walk away from him because I do love him and he has provided for me financially and there is so much history between us. See, in his upbringing, a man takes care of his wife: financially. The wife in turn takes care of the finances. My "prize" brags that his wife takes care of everything. Yes I did. I took care of him, the home and his money, while he laid up with another woman.
I am not mad about the money. On the contrary, I work when I want to, I go away when I want to and I shop when I want to. I am mad that he thought that he could throw money at me to keep me in place. That way he could cake eat. I am mad that I let him. What does that say about me? I was willing to sell myself, my dignity and my pride for the mortgage? No, I was being a dutiful wife!!! I was living up to my marriage vows. I lived up to his marriage proposal: Are you ready for forever. Forever is a long time.
I was looking forward to forever. After the LTA I am afraid about the next hour. I am always waiting for the next shoe to drop. No one will ever hurt me like this again. I gave 100% of myself to this man. I was not a child or innocent when I chose to marry this man. I walked down that aisle fully aware of what I was getting into SO I THOUGHT!
I am continuing to work on myself. His LTA will not define me. That is his to own.
[This message edited by TheBestMe at 9:04 PM, October 29th (Tuesday)]
My "prize" brags that his wife takes care of everything. Yes I did. I took care of him, the home and his money, while he laid up with another woman.
It’s tough when I have been a SAHW&M and Mr UKg earns many times the minimum wage – which is all I would ever earn. There has been a sideline business that I have run from time to time, and it has been interesting work for me from time to time. He has been a good provider, no doubt about that. We have a nice mortgage-free house. We are flying to NZ for a month, taking our youngest (19) paid for DS25 and his gf to join us for a couple of weeks (all they could get off) to see DS29 and DS27. We had a nice trip to Rome at the end of the summer. I don’t worry about how much money is in the bank – I just move it around to make it work a little. At the moment, I’m driving my late mother’s 7yr old car but if I wanted, I could trade it in for something new and shiny and expensive. So, I get the financial “trap”. It’s all very well people saying you would be poorer but happier, but I’m not sure if that’s true. And once you make that decision, there’s no going back.
Obsessing about the OW is common. Doesn’t matter whether it was a LTA or ONS, this person has come and stolen a part of your life and she had no right to it. I get why fWH had the affair with MOW, she had been his fiancee when they were young HS/uni sweethearts. I can understand the nostalgia and the recapturing of intense, youthful feelings. I don’t understand the LTA though. How he could stay with me while being so totalling in love with and captivated by someone else. I hate her in one way, but not in another. They both fell into the same pit. I hate her because she’s still around and, by doing so, has poisoned my soul. I don’t hate her because she’s an ordinary woman, reasonably intelligent, has a good career, nice husband, lovely kids and she lives a normal life. I loved my WH, so why wouldn’t she? For a second time? He’s tall, dark, quite good looking, charming and charismatic. Her husband loves her, so why wouldn’t my WH love her too (again, for a second time) and apart from a willingness to have an affair, she’s quite a lot like me.
If you don’t have to deal with OW on a day to day or ever again basis, shove her out of your thoughts. Because, as you know, she’s nothing to do with how you move on. She’s past. If she’s still hanging around in some way, then it’s a LOT harder, but it can be done.
I have been through everything you have described. I reckon we all have. So you’re not mad or crazy – you’re normal. Or at least as normal as we LTA lot in here!!! Remember this Long Term Affair = Long Term Recovery. And that’s whether you stay together or not.
Welcome from an oldie.
[This message edited by UKgirl at 3:49 AM, October 30th (Wednesday)]
We had started to watch The Women. Meg Ryan finds out her WH is shagging the girl from the perfume counter. fWH looked at me and said “You’ve seen this, haven’t you.” I just replied it was a common theme in a film. Before the thriller film started, The Women had got to the part where Candice Bergen (playing Ryan’s mother) says she knows exactly how her daughter is feeling and proceeds to give her a full description of finding out. Starting with the kick in the stomach. She continues and Mr UKg can’t stand it, he pulls me close and starts to talk over the soundtrack. Some inane words, can’t even remember. But I know he wanted to shut it out. Thankfully, the second film that we had booked had no infidelity in it! But he still said the crap about leading a double life.
Anyway, just observation on ignoring/blanking/pretending he never led a double life. Maybe he had been taken over by aliens for all those years.
I think I'm going insane, and these are the times when I usually sabotage any attempts at R with my insecurity and neediness.
You are not going insane. These emotions are strong especially with a LTA. You are going to feel insecure and needy, but again, your WH can help reassure you, but you have to dig deep down and find you again. Not an easy task, but you will get there. Keep posting and we will help support you too. Hang in there.
I now have PTSD. I have lost my hair, can't sleep, drink alcohol and have gained weight.
PTSD is common after an affair, especially a LTA. If you are not seeing an IC, I would highly recommend it. This is a HUGE trauma. We do feel we lose ourselves somehow. Lately, I finally started to go on a diet and exercise more. I started for ME, to make me feel physically better. In a strange stupid way, it was something I feel I have control over in a situation where I lost all control. It's part of the 180 where you focus on yourself and your healing and not expect that the WS will heal you or that the situation will somehow change.
Believe me, I know how difficult it is to take that first step. It seemed like forever that I knew what I had to do, but somehow could not get the motivation to do it, to start really focusing on me and my healing. Although I am realizing that I did make many steps towards my healing and have them sabotaged by WH in the forms of TT, gaslighting, False R, emotional abuse, etc.
TheBestMe: You didn't sell yourself out. You were operating on the belief that you and your WH were both in the M. Now, focus on you and your healing. Start to save some money for you.
It's also hard to let go of the OW. I'm still struggling with that. She is never going to go away in my sitch and has been given everything that was mine, including WH. As for wanting to beat up your WH, I guess we all feel such intense anger that we want to do that too, or at least want them to feel and understand our pain. In my case, I don't think WH would ever truly feel my pain because he would blameshift and cry victim and demonize me even more than he has. I don't think he can ever really feel the pain. If you can't love fully, how can you feel the pain deeply?
UKgirl: Sometimes I think the WS lives on a different planet. Not seeing how one can live a double life when they were doing it? Geez.
I stay away from all forms of infidelity movies. I have never seen "Fatal Attraction" because it came out around the time xWH#1 left and I knew I couldn't take it. If I see a movie that has infidelity in it, I just take the remote and announce "I don't want to watch this" and change the channel. LOL, this is about the only area where I am extremely assertive. This is one thing that I feel that everyone else will just have to deal with it!
Finances: sell your soul and have peace and live in poverty and have that kind of stress, or deal with it and have that stress and not have the financial stress. The financial stress will affect my kids and no matter what, getting a job, having CS, I don't know how we are going to financially make it and I'm not talking about being comfortable, I'm talking about surviving. So, I'm making my plans and trying to move forward and saving up every penny I have. I've been through a divorce when xWH#1 left and it was hard and I was stronger then. Now, I am finally getting a hold of me and starting to find me again so I can move on and let go.
Letting go is the hardest thing for me. I have to find me somewhere again and rely on that emotionally. I can physically be alone, technically have been a single parent for most of my adult life.
I think I can do it, just got to keep going.
I will never love him like I did before he turned to another person. Sadly, if I left him, I would not get involved with another man. The emotional commitment would leave me vulnerable and distrusting. That would not be fair to me or to some innocent man. Plus, at my age, I don't want some old man. I want a young hot fun loving man . Those types of relationships bring their own issues.
So, the devil you know is better...
Plus this is my decision to stay. I am here because I want to be. I take care of myself and I still turn heads. There is no greater feeling than to see the look on his impotent ass face when a man looks at me. Oh yeah, the Karma bus hit him, on the day that the OW called, he and I had just returned from a doctor's appointment that eventually turned out to be prostate cancer.
The affair ended months before he knew that he was sick. His illness was discovered because I continued to do my wifely duties: medical and dental appointments. I would never wish cancer on anyone except the OW. I loved him so much that I bargained with God that if saving his life meant that he would leave me for another woman I would be ok with that.
Look at how much I have changed. I wish harm to someone else. I do not forgive him or the AP. Each day I see how much the affair and in his words the punishment (the cancer) hurts him. I want that donkey POS to hurt too.
rseb: you have such a comlicated history....alot of your bh's...foo....quite similar to my ws...scarily so...the difference...i didn't know way back when that he was cheating on me...yours did...and you still chose to go forward...he was quite verbally and emotionally abusive to you..as my ws was to me...and even back then in your beginning you mentioned that you were seeing another man while he was with his ow...
i believe you both have a huge history of really not having boundaries for yourself...whether the boundaries are of your actions or the actions you will accept from each other...
i think you both need some intensive therapy to deal with all of it...
on a side note...if my ws insisted i do anything it would put me into a tailspin..how dare he tell me what to do....i didn't cheat...so you insisting that he get help when his perception is that of a faithful husband may be behind his reluctance...i also get the sense that he is still reeling from all of it...and the fact that he has a history with anger clouds his perceptions
he could probably use an anger management course...the anger he has exhibited has been bordering on the extreme...
ok....and lastly rseb...you are actively working on you and that is wonderful...you continue to grow as a human being, learning about "you"...you will come to a precipice where you will have to decide whether or not to stay with a man who has refused to grow, whether it be from the affair you had, the foo issues he has or just the anger he doesn't know what to do with...all you could do at this point in time, is show him by action that you are a changed person...but that change needs to be one of someone who will no longer take his abuse..someone who respects herself enough to not cheat because her word is important to her integrity and someone who respects herself enough to not tolerate another human being using her as a verbal or emotional punching bag...
there is a difference in anger at the affair and anger that someone exhibits when they are always angry because that is who they have always been...from your perspective he has always been angry and has always had a problem dealing with it...
not sure if any of this is making sense...i feel like i am trying to explain it but am not succeeding...but i will post it anyways...
ok..next...postive attitude...did i read correctly that he had contact with the ow 3 weeks ago...glad if you are both mending your relationship....and the triggers can at times paralyze us...when they hit, we need to learn how to manage them...and they can be managed..it takes practice and perserverance...and everyone has different ways of dealing with them...so you try different things til you find what works for you....
the best me: welcome to our little corner...wow....i noticed that you have an extreme amount of anger...it oozes in every post...and its so understandable...we have all been there...staying there though is not healthy for you...and you have this extreme amount of anger to your ws's op....imo its misdirected...probably because its easier to be angry with her then it is to be at your ws....and yes i know you are angry with your ws...but he doesn't get the brunt of it...his ap does....and his ap didnt make a vow to you, he did....more often then not it doesn't matter who the ap is, the ap could be anyone, the ap is interchangeable with whoever is avaible, ready and willing...as much as the ap is wrong...your ws needs to bear full responsiblity for his actions...he could have said no...he could have remained faithful he chose not to...anyways....
now you say you will stay in the marriage because you don't want to deal with the financial changes nor do you have any interest in moving on with another person....
so that brings me to the next questions for you....
do you think you could be happy living with him forever...are you happy now....and as far as a future with someone else...anything is possible...at any age...why condemn yourself to a lifetime of settling...for me, i would rather be alone and content then stay with someone that would keep me in a state of distrust, keep me in a state of never feeling safe, of always wondering what he is doing...
and lastly...i don't think i could live with someone either just because i like the life we could have together versus the life i would have alone...and yes staying would have its perks...financial and family oriented....but i want more for myself and i want to live not just merely survive...and it all depends on your definition of surviving versus living...
is surviving...just being able to put food on the table and roof over your head or is surviving living in a sich because you feel financially trapped...
is living being able to do whatever you want within reason financially or is living being able to have peace within, knowing that you love yourself enough not to sell your soul...that you aren't prostituting yourself....
and is it really prostituting yourself if for you it means you get to keep your family together...
lots of questions...and only you can answer them for yourself...
i am in an in house separation...my ws wants the marriage...and its not a happy household...its hard...my kids feel it as do i...no one is really happy....i look forward to this ending and moving on to the next step...my reasons for staying are changing...i have accomplished most of what i set out to do...and there was a price....do i have regrets...no because it was what was right for me then....but then is not now...my end goal is in sight, and i am beginning to plan for a new and different future...and its exciting...a bit scary but mostly exciting...i am choosing to look forward and not behind me...i am choosing to live in the present and plan for the future...i will not let this define me...i wil define me...i will live for me....i am still a mom...but soon i will no longer be a mom first as my kids are almost done ...the foundations of my kids are done...i will be a woman first and i deserve to be happy...and i want more for my life then just living for my kids...its not fair to me nor would it be fair to them...
and lastly honest: hon you are in a different category all together...you do need to get angry...you do need to stay angry at least for a little while...you need to get angry and let that anger propell you to do what you NEED to do....you are not happy and your kids are not happy...and worse this is writing on who they are as people...this is changing who they will be....and for you surviving can take on so many different meaning....i have faith that you will be able to put food on the table and a roof over your heads....and yes money will be tight...but you will have peace and your kids will have a better chance of succeeding in life...
happy halloween everyone....trick or treat....i hope we all get nothing but treats....we have had enough tricks im thinkin to last a lifetime....
and i am not dressin up as i have to work in a bit...but in my soul i am a superhero...a very sexy superhero!!!
WH denies the EA although he says their friendship was maybe a little inappropriate. Bottom line, they still work together, talk on the phone after hours and text..although I have no idea if its all about work or not. I doubt it is.....
Things seem to go in cycles...they rarely talk after hours, then get in a cycle where it is daily short conversations outside of work. They work in a very small office ...often only 1 other person there with them.
This latest blowup happened this weekend. I needed a name of a Dr for our child and he said he was "going to use his resources". It took me a few times to get out of him that his "resources" were actually OW.
I said why couldn't you tell me up front who it was? He said its my fault because I go crazy when he brings up her name.in all honesty, there were some issues at the office and he was telling me about them for the past month and her name came up all the time and I didn't say a word. They spoke after hours often about this particular issue often and I knew it and didn't say a word..
I told him he was hiding his "resources" from me.
One thing led to another and he said he won't live with me if I can't get "past his affair". He said I keep bringing it up!
Part of me feels I shouldn't have said anything...
One the one hand, I don't even think he should be talking to her anymore. He thinks its my problem, not his. He has gone out to 2 dinners with the "staff" (there were more people the than just the 3 of them) in the past few months and he really didn't need to go. It was for social reasons only.
I think I'm being pretty fair in "allowing" him to go to the dinners, work in that office, not say anything when he talks to her after hours on a daily basis ...
But I blew up at the fact that he was trying to hide her name from me.....and he said that was my fault...
Was I wrong?
I think the answer is no, but I would like some comments. If there are any waywards out there, I would love to hear your take on this too... Thanks
My STBXW had a 3 yr LTA with a coworker. I completely understand how messed up the situation is. She also refused to find another job. Your H has not gone NC with OW and isn't putting your needs anywhere near the top of his list.
If you haven't please consider the 180. Start focusing on you and gather your strength. Also please be careful because liars lie so don't be surprised to find out something more than an EA has gone on. If he is bold enough to carry on like this in front of you for years I wouldn't be surprised to find otu there is more to the story. I hope there isn't but what we know is usually just the tip of the iceberg.
I am sure others will be along to offer advice as well.
my end goal is in sight, and i am beginning to plan for a new and different future...and its exciting...a bit scary but mostly exciting.