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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affairs - Part 33
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 11:25 AM, October 31st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all, BOO

I wrote and deleted a big paragraph. Sufficient to say that for me, triggers and feelings still reside in the holiday seasons, especially Halloween.

WhatdoIdo333,

One thing led to another and he said he won't live with me if I can't get "past his affair".

I read your post and story and see that your WH is not willing to “give-up” his outside of work relationship with this woman that he admits to having poor boundaries with, at least in the past, but he is willing to give up his M to you if you do not stop expressing your concern and displeasure with the relationship. You perceive his relationship with her as inappropriate and a threat to the M. So far, you have been willing to live with him and his relationship with his co-worker/AP. Is the current arrangement sustainable for you?

I get the impression you are not happy with the status quo, so what can you do to change it? By it, I mean your relationship with your WH. You cannot, as you have learned, make him change, and he has demonstrated that he is unwilling to change based on your expressed desires. So how can YOU change and create an environment you are more comfortable with?

The choices, as I see it are to work on R, D, or Not Divorcing. Working on R takes mutual effort and I do not see your WH as being onboard with that, so R is not an option for you at this time. D is an option, it always is. Not Divorcing is another option that does not require active participation from the WS. You stay within the legal M, but focus on you and your life, and let go of expectations for specific behaviors from your WS and feelings of personal responsibility for maintaining the M relationship. Not Divorcing, in reality, is the default option for a spouse who is not ready to D, but whose WS is unwilling to actively and cooperatively participate in R.

PositiveAttitude,

I think I'm going insane, and these are the times when I usually sabotage any attempts at R with my insecurity and neediness.

I think this sentence really flags your issue. My perception is that you are still looking to your WH for security in the M and about yourself as a wife and person. You write of sabotaging R, but really you are not in R because you do not have the sustained participation (proof) that your WH is a participant. You are really in a wait and see mode. You are waiting to see if this time will be different and your WH will not go back to OW.

You recently posted in D&S:

My WH refuses to let go of OW. He doesn't appear to want to let go of me either, but that appears to be the direction in which we are headed.

Your WH does not want to let go of you, nor his relationship with his OW. He likes what you provide and the attention and affirmation of the OW. You do not want to let go of your WH and the M. What does your WH and the M provide for you currently? As I mentioned above, you are not in R, not D, you are “Not Divorcing”. It is acceptable to remain in ND for as long as you want, but you need to take responsibility for your confidence and well-being away from the person that you are ND-ing. What can you do to put more of your focus on you? Who cares if your WH says he loves you or not. Words are cheap, and his sustained actions up until just weeks ago indicated he loves his relationship with OW more than he loves you.

Can you expand time with friends, or meeting potential friends, to build a social support system independent of your WH while you ND? Can you go back to a hobby or activity that you enjoyed, but maybe gave-up when you became a wife? Can you implement some 180 so that what your WH does or does not say becomes less important to how you are feeling?

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 11:32 AM, October 31st (Thursday)]


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3961 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
TheBestMe
♀ Member
Member # 39476
Default  Posted: 12:07 PM, October 31st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Everyone, please forgive me for giving the impression that my anger is directed toward the OW and not toward my husband. By no means have I ever thought that the blame should be shifted to anyone or any other circumstance. He is the person that betrayed me. The man that I shared everything with, led a secret separate life from me. There is nothing that compares to that pain.


ME Doing Better
WH Trying As Best He Can
Married 23 years
Status: Working towards friendship
D Day #1 - 2007 My gut told me
D Day #2 - 2010
D Day #3 - 1/11/2013
LTA 7 years

Living with both feet pointed in the same direction


Posts: 191 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Inner Peace
Whatdoido333
♀ Member
Member # 36597
Default  Posted: 6:02 AM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Atsen..... Thx for the response....you r right. Never thought of it that way. We are in ND currently and I have to lower my expectations dramatically for me and my daughter. It is so clear when someone puts it like that.


7yrs.. Thanks so much for your advice. I have to focus on myself and my daughter. He spends time "helping" all his "friends" and my backyard is a disaster. Everyone is more important than we are...although he said the other day "I am part of him" and he always puts other people before himself...

I am the breadwinner ...he's busy working for people for free...


Posts: 114 | Registered: Aug 2012
sparkly1
♀ New Member
Member # 41155
Default  Posted: 10:20 AM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay, I keep reading about a 180, but I can't find any information as to what that is. Can someone help me, please?
Thank you-

Posts: 7 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Deep South
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 10:30 AM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi sparkly1, what is your story?

I keep reading about a 180, but I can't find any information as to what that is. Can someone help me, please?

Look in the Healing Library, yellow box upper left corner of welcome screen. It is #11 in the BS FAQ.
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ11

Briefly, it is a way to focus on yourself and take your focus off of the WS so you do not get caught up in his or her drama, or look to his or her actions as a bellweather of how you are doing.

--Ats


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3961 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 11:30 AM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

what do i do: welcome to our little corner of si....i find it hard to believe that your ws is only having an ea, especially since he is not willing to give her up....i find it quite questionable indeed if he is willing to give you up instead....either there is more to it then he has told you or he is acting like the defiant child who doesn't want to be told what to do...either way he is wrong...and do the 180 like yesterday

bestme: no need to apologize...from my perspective i see way more anger for the ap then your ws....and don't get me wrong here i do see the anger for your ws...just not at the same level...


boo to you to ats...although i am a bit late...so happy all saints day...may the saints come marchin in, may the saints come a marchin and a chargin....and may those saints have our numbers as well as our ws's...and may those saints act upon it in a saintly fashion.....may those saints be true kick ass saints...


(((tribe)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
TheBestMe
♀ Member
Member # 39476
Default  Posted: 9:26 PM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One of the problems with non verbal face to face communication is that the message is not always clear. Believe me when I tell you, the anger, sadness and betrayal is from and to my husband. The OW could have been anyone or anything. My wish is that he can get past his shame, guilt and FOO issues. His mental and physical health would benefit. The hole that my love could not fill, would be better understood by him.

I am working on my own need to fix someone else's brokenness. This pain has caused me to take a serious look at myself. It has shaken me out of my fog and cleared me of my rose colored glasses. I have my own work to do to fix myself.



ME Doing Better
WH Trying As Best He Can
Married 23 years
Status: Working towards friendship
D Day #1 - 2007 My gut told me
D Day #2 - 2010
D Day #3 - 1/11/2013
LTA 7 years

Living with both feet pointed in the same direction


Posts: 191 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Inner Peace
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 1:20 AM, November 2nd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TheBestMe: All we can do is to work on ourselves.

Just the very nature of a LTA is that it is often concurrent with a long term marriage.

We got so used to thinking of "US" an what "WE" should do that it is sometimes hard to switch gears and just focus on us and our healing. We feel selfish or that our WS will be upset because we are not focusing on them. We start to resort to codependent behavior without even realizing it.

The hardest lesson I've had to learn and it's taken me almost four years to learn it, is that I have to "own" my own healing.

The WS needs to be supportive in your healing for true R, but if the WS is not supportive, the BS has to do it on their own.

I was so caught up in a perfect storm of FOO issues, emotional abuse,(from NPD and BPD mother), false hope and the biggie: abandonment issues that ran so deep I never fully realized it, that I didn't fully take care of ME. Too busy taking care of everyone else.

We have to remember what the airlines tell us on every flight: Put the air bag on yourself first before you help others!

Ats: I'm reading your posts to others, yet they are helping me big time. Thank you.


Posts: 1897 | Registered: Jan 2010
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 7:12 AM, November 3rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey sexy super hero..

but soon i will no longer be a mom first as my kids are almost done ...the foundations of my kids are done

Over these years... doing what you did is heroic. To sacrifice your own happiness to make sure your kids know what it means to behave.. So no bimbo would have a role in teaching your kids! A great accomplishment Iwant..


Posts: 2635 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 7:14 AM, November 3rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TheBestMe...

Perhaps if you practice forgiving.. which is your choice.. you might find?

Good thoughts..

Good thoughts lead to good feelings..


Posts: 2635 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 7:19 AM, November 3rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

whatdoido...

It sounds like your H is not a good man. Many men these days are not.


You have to know he never ended having sex with that woman.. Right?


Posts: 2635 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 3:58 PM, November 3rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Emotionally exhausted for several reasdons. Thought I would share.

Quick background: WS and I separated 2 years ago. Neither one of us really moved on to dating & have maintained a co-parenting arrangement which means we see each other every day. For the past 1 1/2 years, WS has stated he wants to try to reconcile again, but int he past month or so,his desire to reconcile had increased and was becoming more vocal about it.

I cant say that he all of a sudden "got it". I did see some things that I didnt see before, basically I saw a sadness & a willingness to talk more, but that was clearly not enough for me to entertain the idea of reconciling and I told him so.

(We tried to reconcile in the past, but he never really put in the effort.)

Anyway,

I now find out that while the affair was ongoing, he had a fake facebook account that he used to communicate with OW. (This from a man that never, to my knowledge, used computers.)

He never got rid of this account & it existed until just this morning after I found out about it.

So, in addition to maintaining contact with her while we were trying to reconcile, which I can get over, since I've already processed all of those emotions, he has also, at the very least, left comments on OW's fb page over the last few days stating how hot she is while at the same time telling me how much he loves me, wants me back, etc.

Big discussion about it this morning,which I have to give him credit for participating in, and he now admits that he didnt put enough effort into R or keep good boundaries while we were R because in hindsight, he guesses he didn't really want to be in R.

Claims he has had nothing to do with OW - that the comments that she is hot, etc. don't mean anything other that she is attractive & can't he find anyone attractive other than me, etc.

(O.M.G. what I have had to listen to...)

All o fthis of course afer serious cross-examination - he had denied, denied & lied quite convincingly before finally admitting....

Some things never change.



Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 5:57 PM, November 3rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Some things never change.
Allgood, that is so unfuckingbelievable. Excuse my eloquence! (((Allgood))) Just wow. You let your guard down a little, and BAM!


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 8926 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 8:52 PM, November 3rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((allgood)))


i am so sorry that your ws is doing stupid so damned well....it saddens me...my gut tells me he wants "r"...and the sad part....he is not willing to give up his ow....he wants it all....damn him....

move on dear friend...move on in everyway....its past time...co parent...yes....but thats where it needs to end...


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 6:04 AM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgoodnamesgone..

Yeh.. "tough" man cop has no clue how to behave or what to say to a good woman.

Claims he has had nothing to do with OW - that the comments that she is hot, etc. don't mean anything other that she is attractive & can't he find anyone attractive other than me, etc.

Even if he really deep in his heart wants to finally become one with you.. he is not too smart... Obviously, He looks the wrong places or no place at all.

Posts: 2635 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 7:12 AM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I forgot to tell you the best part - just as all this was unfolding, WS goes to work & a stranger approaches him and tells him that the Lord told her to tell him that he should refrain from evil. That whenever he has something good, he messes it up. He responded "Did my wife send you". And she said,no, the Lord.

Strange, but apparently true. Said it hit home to him. Such a puzzle that one is.

Anyway - thanks for the support. I am surprised at how livid I still am.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 7:39 AM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wow....allgood....that is scary awesome....was he in uniform when this woman approached him?? which would make it even stranger still because the uniform represents the people who fight evil....

and of course you are livid....you loved this man for all of your adult life and i am sure a part of you held out hope that he HAD changed and he HAD recognized his mistakes and HAD recognized what he lost and HAD recognized all of it and then some....and of course the added bonus of putting your family back together holds a strong pull on your heart...

i get the sense he wasnt letting go of her til he had you back....and the only way to get you back was to let go of her and let go of his need to be "single" and "fancy free" so to speak...i don't even thinks he loves her but thrives on the ego end of it...it feeds the ego in all the wrong ways...but feeds it nonetheless...

tis time for you to let go....being separated does not mean you have let go of the dream, let go of him....


(((allgood)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 7:46 AM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Miracle - you are 100% right and yes he was in uniform.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 8:10 AM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi allgoodnamesgone,

Thank you for sharing. It is not just that our WSs had their A(s), but the technical and other skill they demonstrated in carrying out the A that we would never have considered them capable of. Had they just put that energy and effort in the M, think what might have been.

I too believe that he is keeping his options open with OW. He would like to R with you, but on his terms. Meanwhile, OW provides many of the things one would look for from a spouse.

Your recent posts, and may others on SI from BSs years out from dday are proof to me that we are never likely to know all about the A. We will know what the WS feels safe or trapped into revealing, and what we are able to uncover and deduce, but that is all.

…a stranger approaches him and tells him that the Lord told her to

I am a cynic, so I see this as possibly his way of making an admission without owning it emotionally.

--Ats

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 8:11 AM, November 4th (Monday)]


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3961 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 9:08 AM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry you are still dealing with all of this allgood. I wish someone had walked up to my STBX and told her that. Not that she would have listened but it applied to her and many other WS's with deep issues. When things get good it's time for them to find a way to mess it up for some reason.


As for me, my son has his first IC appointment this week. I am a little nervous about it but it's set up and if it will help him then I am all for it. Also one of my close friends is trying to hook me up with one of his wife's friends. I had finally settled on not dating or even thinking about it until next year after the D is final and now this. I wouldn't mind hangin out with someone but I really don't feel like giving the "I have 8 months to go before I am legally D'd" speech again. I am probably going to politley turn them down since I just don't have the energy or desire to date at the moment.


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
STBXWW = Her
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Separated 6/2013, D official around 6/2014

Posts: 1559 | Registered: May 2011
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