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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affairs - Part 33
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 12:48 PM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgoodnamesgone.. What are you going to do?

Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 1:58 PM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tryn:

I don't know that there is anything for me to do but react to whatever he might throw at me.

He is out of the house, as he has been for a few years now; however, we still did a lot of things as a family for the benefit of the kids all this time. Now that he knows I am not going to reconcile with him EVER I dont think that he wants to continue to spend his time that way. So I am afraid for my children's way of being changing, but I will just have to deal with it.

Am I missing something? What should I be doing?

[This message edited by Allgoodnamesgone at 1:59 PM, November 4th (Monday)]


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 2:28 PM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood...

LOL.. no your not missing anything.. as you are a brilliant woman. Yes, I can tell you what I would do, but I am not you.


I do want to say that I admire you greatly.

we still did a lot of things as a family for the benefit of the kids all this time

absolutely a great woman does this.

One of the most scary thing we face is change. It is not bad for kids learn to deal with change. I don't think the apple will far from your tree.

I think you can make decisions where you will be far happier in life.


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 4:51 PM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you Tryn!

WS has sent me a number of texts, acknowledging that we are done and will try to keep things the same for the kids.

So, so far so good. I realize that once someone moves onto a nother relationship this all changes, but I will cross that bridge when I get to it.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 11:46 PM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood: I'm so sorry to hear this. What the hell is wrong with him? Why do they do this? Why do they say they want to R and then still keep in touch with the OW? I'm so upset for you !

I don't know that there is anything for me to do but react to whatever he might throw at me.

No, don't react, act. I think you need to tell him if he's really serious about R, then he has to be all in, not dipping his foot in to test the waters. Geez! I guess you have to tell him once again what your requirements for R would be, and if he's not willing, so be it.

I know you were doing a lot of family things for the kids, but in a way it was letting him cake eat. He got to spend time with you and the kids without all the responsibility. You may have to rethink how you are doing it. I don't know if you are still having dinner together or outings, but those kinds of things can confuse the kids too.

Being together at the kids' sporting events is different.

I'm so sorry, Allgood. It's almost like another DDay because you feel lied to again just when you may have been feeling a little trust. I'm sure you had a little hope, mainly because of the family, and hard as it is to admit, we will have feelings for the other parent of our kids.

{{{{{{{Allgood}}}

[This message edited by honesttoafault at 11:48 PM, November 4th (Monday)]


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 5:57 AM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honest, yes, it is difficult to admit that I still have feelings for this piece of shit, but I do and yes, it was nice to hear him say that he loved me, nice to know he didnt care to date anyone, etc. and then to find out that he says this to me out of one corner of his mouth while whispering to OW about how hot she is, even if it was limited to public comments on her fb page, does hurt and undermine the sincerity of anything he said to me about his feelings for me.

While I am not the sit back & see what happens kinda gal, I have no inclination of any kind to try to spell out what it means to R to him. I know in my heart that I can't spin this latest set of facts to be something that would indicate he can either comprehend or have the self restraint necessary to give me what I would need. And this is not bells & whistles shit - it's have no contact with OW! So effin simple!

Anyhoo.

I have also wondered if we were doing more damage than good by arranging things so the kids essentially didnt have to "feel" the breakup, but they are happy & doing well thankfully.

This man continues to send me texts allnight about how much he loves me, has nothing to do with OW, I am right, he is stupid, but will I try to R, etc.

I guess he really is just a cake eater.

[This message edited by Allgoodnamesgone at 5:58 AM, November 5th (Tuesday)]


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 7:09 AM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This man continues to send me texts allnight about how much he loves me, has nothing to do with OW, I am right, he is stupid, but will I try to R, etc.

actions, not words

and speaking of texting, it must be the absolute least appropriate medium for sending serious communication with feeling and emotion.

Anyone, and I do not specifically mean Mr. nogood here, whose efforts to express remorse or love are a series of text messages does not get it.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 7:29 AM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I personally hate social media and todays form of instant communication. I swear people are forgetting how to talk and interact with other human beings face to face. I never liked texting but now that I am semi-single until the D is final I am finding out that this is the normal and accepted form of communication now. The few dates I did go out on I got points for just being able to communicate with women. This is absolutley sad in my opinion. I read in NB about online dating and emailing and texting, what happened to actually having a conversation with someone. What happened to physically approaching someone and starting a conversation with them. I have done this a few times and people seem weirded out that I actually was trying to hold a conversation with someone even if it's just small talk. I don't care about facebook or social media sites but if that is the only way to date and meet people then I will be alone forever and I think I may be okay with that. Let's not even get into the smart phone triggers I have now because of STBXW. That does seem to be going away though.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 9:10 AM, November 5th (Tuesday)]


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
STBXWW = Her
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Separated 6/2013, D official around 6/2014

Posts: 1570 | Registered: May 2011
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 8:56 AM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ats:

I agree with you re the texting; however, as I am guilty of it as Mr. Nogood, I will explain mypoint of view:

I use it the way I might if writing a letter. I can draft it, revise, edit it, re-read it and see if it is the best way of articulating what I want to say. This does not happen in a verbal conversation. I think my message is a lot clearer via text than it is when we speak, especially if I am very upset or it's an emotional topic. Now, I recognize the ability to misunderstand a text, misunderstand tone, you miss body language cues, etc. and when I feel it is getting too much - then I will call to clarify.

Notwithstanding the above, I will admit that I have historically been uncomfortable with showing emotion & so the texting is a more comfortable way of expressing myself, while also being more accurate at times. Stuff to work on on myself, but an explanation of where Im at at the moment.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 9:09 AM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I should have edited my post and did. I copied ATS response and should have taken the ref. to allgoods H out. My comments were towards society in general and not a specific person. That wasn't shot at you allgood or your H. Hope you didn't take it that way.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 9:11 AM, November 5th (Tuesday)]


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
STBXWW = Her
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Separated 6/2013, D official around 6/2014

Posts: 1570 | Registered: May 2011
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 9:14 AM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry Allgood. You have said, however, that you have seen some changes in xWH, so although you may feel it might be falling on deaf ears, I still think for your peace of mind and to set things really straight for him, you may want to reiterate what it would take to R with you and unfortunately, it should be in person. No anger, just calmly tell him.

Otherwise, he really is kind of cake eating. He gets to spend time with you and the kids and then can go on his merry way.

I know the kids seem happy. With a cop's hours, they were probably used to Daddy not being there at night before DDay, so this is not much different for them.

You have to decide what YOU want. As you said, this situation will probably continue like this until one of you starts dating someone else. In a crazy way, you are still in limbo, but bearing the brunt of the child caring. It may be easier for you this way because xWH is still very involved with the kids and child rearing.

But, damn, he has to know that he is either all in or all out when it comes to R with you. My heart aches for you. It really does and I truly understand because I'm dealing with a cake eater.


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 10:45 AM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for your kind words & support Honest.

I understand that WS is cake eating by my allowing the status quo to continue, but I benefit by it as well, as do the kids, so I don't mind.

What I mind is the mind f*ck he just put me through.

It's all talked out as far as I'm concerned with him.

7 years:

I LOVE pot shots as Mr. Nogood, lol. Did not take offense at anything you said.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 10:55 AM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well allgood.. Your H sure is good at leading you back to his failure. No wonder why he is disqualified.

Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 4:40 PM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

honest: i am impressed..you used the word "damn"...now if we could introduce you to some other 4 letter words... but not for mr no good...but for mr dishonest!!!


allgood: tis time for you to look at your ws not as a husband, ex or otherwise, not as an attractive man, not as a man you have feelings for....but as the father of your kids...what i mean is to see him as "family"...nothing more and nothing less...

form a new co-parenting bond....one that has no other motives, one that is non-sexual, non flirtatious....

and by all means....go back to dating..but keep it lite and airy...you are not in any shape for a "relationship"...you are though ready for some grown up fun!!!

(((tribe)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
MC_Jack
♂ Member
Member # 35016
Concerned  Posted: 11:03 PM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well all -

I lost my election today. First time time running for anything. So I am not going to be a City Council member after all...

It was a low turn out ~20%. City population is about 110K. In my district race, I lost by 800 votes.

Now to plan B.


I am not a marriage counselor. I chose "MC Jack" in the spirit of a handle like "MC Hammer" or Young MC"...there is a lot of 'rapping' here, no? At the time I did not know what MC stood for on this site. Duh.

Posts: 792 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: West Coast of Hopa-hopa-land
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 6:59 AM, November 6th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MCJack-
Sorry to hear that you lost but, remember...it was your first election.
Stay active in your town, go to council meetings, volunteer to be on committees and before you know it you will be nominated again! (I've been involved in local politics too but not as an elected official).


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 7:17 AM, November 6th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

G'morning MC_Jack. Sorry about the loss, but good for you trying. Turn out here was <20%, pretty pathetic. So what is Plan B?


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 7:18 AM, November 6th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood-

I wish I could sit your WH down for a candid conversation!
He needs a huge wake up call.

I do think that he loves you and the kids but he also does not understand what a mature, committed, healthy marriage looks like.

I think he has a lot of misconceptions about marriage.
He doesn't understand that true love is selfless and not selfish.

It's not about what you get out of the relationship-it's about what you give to the other person!

I also wonder if he doesn't suffer from the Madonna/whore complex? And sees the wife in a certain role-partner, mother of his children etc.
And the OW is the whore- sexy, exciting but not marriage material.

And as for continuing to follow the OW on FB.
He doesn't get it does he? He thinks its no big deal to throw out compliments on her FB wall.

(which personally I hate!-all of that narcissistic preening on FB drives me crazy. How people post pics of themselves and wait for everyone to compliment them on how 'hot' they look! give me a break. But, that's a whole other conversation.)

Anyway, your WH probably didn't mean anything more than what he said about his comments but.....
the fact that he does not realize that his casual attitude toward the OW says so much about his lack of understanding of the gravity of what has happened.
His LTA with this OW has caused the demise of his marriage, the end of a solid family life for his children, it has caused financial problems for his family that will last forever (2 households always cost more money than one).His actions during and after the affair have cause his wife so much pain and grief.
If he truly understood the severity of his betrayal he would never be able to be so casual about the OW.

It's a shame that he has not gone to IC for any length of time.
He needs to do a lot of soul searching and introspection to understand why he behaved the way he did and how he can become a better husband, father, person if there is any chance of him having an authentic relationship with you again (or with anyone for that matter).



Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 8:49 AM, November 6th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MCJack - sorry about the result, but good for you for trying. Better luck next time!

Miracle - you are right. WS and I have had too much contact. Even if it was for the right reasons, it did keep a connection between us that allowed me to be susceptible to his renewed interest in reconciling.

NJGal- You too are correct.

He may love me as much as he is capable, but I agree that he does not understand what a mature, committed, healthy marriage looks like.

Your comment about the Madonna/whore complex is interesting. While WS would never consider OW a
whore- she is undeniably sexy and flaunts it. It is one of the reasons he has said he would never have a future with her.

Continuing to follow the OW on FB is just shocking to me when he is trying so hard (in his mind) to get me to agree to reconcile. It reminds me of when I 1st learned he broke contact after DDay - with the secret phone - he said he thought they could still be friends as long as he didnt see her. That he knew he wouldnt do anything and that would be ok. (All of this obviously overriding my stated wishes.)

He doesn't get it.

Im not going to try to weigh the relative innocence of WH's possible intentions in looking & commenting on her fb page. He had to sign in on a fake account on a daily basis just to make a comment. So the mindset was that he was going out of his way to see pics of her, etc. It's not like it was just popping up on his account. He had to go looking for it. So that's not good. Plus, I spent too much time comparing myself to OW, that I know he still feels attracted to her - that she's not a reminder of a very desperate & ugly period in his life, and that he still feeds into her already gigantic ego, is repulsive to me.

At best, I agree, it does exhibit a lack of understanding of the gravity of what has happened.

Lesson learned. Again.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
MC_Jack
♂ Member
Member # 35016
Default  Posted: 10:49 AM, November 6th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood-

...he does not understand what a mature, committed, healthy marriage looks like...He doesn't get it.
^^^but YOU GET IT.

I do not think that your WH is a cake-eater. I think, like you kinda say, he is an immature, selfish prick. YOU don't want that or need that. You can go adopt a teenager in need as an alternative.

So I am glad that you have:

Lesson learned. Again.
^^^maybe more of a reminder...?


I am not a marriage counselor. I chose "MC Jack" in the spirit of a handle like "MC Hammer" or Young MC"...there is a lot of 'rapping' here, no? At the time I did not know what MC stood for on this site. Duh.

Posts: 792 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: West Coast of Hopa-hopa-land
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