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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affairs - Part 33
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 9:13 AM, November 8th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

allgood-
I totally understand wanting to keep things the same for the kids. It's a tricky situation though...

Maybe the big difference this time will be that even though you may still have a lot of contact due to the children and extended family you will be implementing the 180 much more in terms of how you think and feel.
Kind of like what 7 yrs did.
He had an in-house separation with his WW but with time his resolve to be totally separated/divorced became stronger even though they were living under the same roof.

Right after d-day I did the 180.I kicked him out and did not see him or speak to him.
Of course my children were college age by then so not a good comparison. I needed that total disconnect just to get my head together. In my mind we were done but I also needed that complete separation (at least initially ) to get strong enough to proceed.

I agree that it sounds like your WH is acting out of spite right now. He wants to have everything go his way. And now that you have called him out on his behavior he wants to 'show you' .....
hopefully, this is just a temporary reaction on his part and he will settle down into a good co-parenting situation in the end.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 11:31 AM, November 8th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood:

have less then 0 time....just wanted to throw this out there...is he not attending because he cannot face you and everyone else...just a thought...


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 1:21 PM, November 8th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood.. I think..
"Hard to explain his motivation, but its not vindictive. I think ."
I am explaining his likely motivation.

He most likely has conflicted values with you. You stay for kids only. He does not have that value.

You are becoming disqualified.. He does not want in this kind of marriage.. He does not know what else to do..

Look, we both know he was/is sex needy. His feelings are likely very conflict.. Well we know, he said he is depressed.

I say he may now be pulling the man out of himself naturally. He's been a weak man. He is trying to tell you in his way.. Get your head back in this marriage or he is going to make the hard decision you have been unable to make.

You cannot forgive him, you give him no sex, no affection = a miserable existence. His ship is sailing. He is giving up trying to win you back.. Disconnecting. That behavior by you is fine and I get the penalty he pays.. But you are the opposite of being attractive. Meaning.. You are not attractive to him. Believe me, I get you.. Me? If my W cheats on me.. Hell yes I am gone.. No matter age.. Sickness.. Money...no reason will keep me around. Although I am A-proofing my M so I have no fear.

Perhaps today when he leaves the house he goes and hooks up with that OW.. Sure I bet that is attractive to him. No doubt he struggles with great guilt. Who wants to live in guilt? Compartmentalizing might be harder after exposure.. I think.

Me, if I was you? I would set that man free. That's what you already know right?

I don't blame you.. A man like him just is ignorant, naïve... Oh heck I could label him.. No different the new the crying men who enter my men's group begging us to help him win his wife back after he thought a different vagina would make him happier.

I am on your side BTW...Of course you can fix that toilet that is not a gender thing.

[This message edited by trynhard at 1:40 PM, November 8th (Friday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
MC_Jack
♂ Member
Member # 35016
Default  Posted: 1:33 PM, November 8th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood,

Me, if I was you? I would set that man free. That's what you already know right?...I don't blame you.. A man like him just is ignorant, naïve...
^^^and I would add to that list needy and possessing poor boundaries. I agree with tryn.

This last FB post fiasco is a small pathetic version of what you posted in your bio: his texting you that he loved you, etc. only to head over to OW's apartment. He has some defect for sure...

Jack


I am not a marriage counselor. I chose "MC Jack" in the spirit of a handle like "MC Hammer" or Young MC"...there is a lot of 'rapping' here, no? At the time I did not know what MC stood for on this site. Duh.

Posts: 792 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: West Coast of Hopa-hopa-land
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 1:44 PM, November 8th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

THanks for the input.

I acknowledge there is no reason for him to continue this way. Maybe he is trying to jar me into reconsidering R by hitting me where it hurts or where I am the most vulnerable - the kids.

My daughter just turned 5. She has noticed the change in schedule and has said she misses Daddy.

O well, plugging right along. At least I know Im heading in the right direction.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 2:56 PM, November 8th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok.. Let me make it clearer... Your man is way too weak for you. He does not know how to be a man. He never will because he has no clue where to go to know how to handle such a strong woman.. Thus he is about to leave you.

You really want this kind of man? A pussy! He might be a tough guy in his job but weak and worthless to know how to bring you out of your deadness. How is he going to learn it?

And honestly.. You must admit you cannot lead him down a path where he knows what to do.

If I were you I'd dump that weak ass.
Yeh I remember all those pictures..all your post.. Allgood.. You are the complete package.. Ripe for a quality man to swoop you up.. Heck.. You can do exactly what you are doing as you are now while setting that man free... For him to mess up again.

How that for clarity?


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 3:09 PM, November 8th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tryn - thank you.

Crystal clear.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
Maia
♀ Member
Member # 8268
Default  Posted: 5:02 PM, November 8th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi guys.

I posted answers for the LTA group when they asked years ago. I don't want to interrupt your camaraderie or convo. but I'd like to tell you that those answers got reposted just now on Wayward.

my A was 5 years.

"reframing needs and validation"

peace.


We will miss you Unicornsearcher. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Xf-Lesrkuc

Posts: 6152 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: I am a Bluegrass-American
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 7:21 AM, November 9th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maia - thank you for letting us know. Any insight from a FWS of a LTA is always appreciated - so complicated.

So, we are on Day 8 of the new regime at my house. WS took the kids overnight last night. ONly 1 out of 4 balked at going, but they all went. WS texted me a few times to tell me how unhappy he is & that he knows we will wind up getting back together & we are just wasting time.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 9:38 AM, November 9th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WS texted me a few times to tell me how unhappy he is & that he knows we will wind up getting back together & we are just wasting time.

Allgood: Your WS has always reminded me so much of my xWH#1. He needs to grow up! For some reason he can't get it into his head that being in a married relationship is more than just being with you and th kids and having a family life and supporting the kids financially. It means being in a committed, emotionally intimate relationship with you.

What he said about Thanksgiving, from what you have always posted about him, I agree with you, he's not being vindictive. He's being immature. He's hurt, so he's withdrawing.

He hasn't gotten it. The only other suggestion I would give is to have 1-2 MC appointments with him so you and the MC counsellor can explain, ONE MORE TIME what it would mean to R and to be married to anyone, not just you! He may need to hear it again from a third party, and perhaps a man MC (the macho thing about being a cop) that if he wants a M and to R, there is no half way trying or to just move back in the marital home. It has to be all the way.

I'm so sorry Allgood. I was talking to DS33 over the summer about M in general and his father, and DS said he didn't think his father was ready to be M when he was with me, that his father wasn't ready to be M until these past few years and the man is 58!!! People used to tell me when we were M that to be patient an he would "grow up" Unfortunately he cheated and left and now he grows up. The saddest thing is that although he cheated for a few months before he left, he is basically a very good and moral man who made a big mistake and I know he was sorry for it.

As I'm writing this, I'm realizing that the reason I was able to forgive him is because although he cheated and left, he didn't put me through hell later. He coparented, paid all CS on time, was there for the kids, did not put me through any more unnecessary hell, was civil, etc.


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 3:48 PM, November 9th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honest - thanks for your thoughts, but he is just hopeless.

We sat down today to discuss how the upcoming family events would be handled - family birthday parties on his side of the family every Saturday of this month, in addition to Thanksgiving.

In conversing about it, WS seemed to be trying to guilt me in that "my decision" (not to R) will be having a negative and long term effect on the kids. We briefly discussed the fb incident and what it means to me.

He realizes he shouldnt have commented on her fb page, but I believe its just because it lead to me learning about it & being really pissed off. I don't think that he sees this the way I do & I as much as told him he is so far off the spectrum of healthy thinking/behaving that I can't fix him.

Anyhoo. I made sure to correct him that whatever the kids experienced was on his shoulders. THat "My decision" was only my decision in the most technical ways - he really left me no choice & continues to show me that on a pretty regular basis.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 7:54 PM, November 9th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood - I don't post much anymore but I do read and I felt the need to respond after reading your posts. I have to say your H has me very frustrated for you and your family. I wanted to relate a conversation I had with my H early on in our attempt at R. As a little background, my H had been married before me and had cheated on his first W. From what he told me, he had 3 OW before their M ended in D. I met him shortly after his D, knew his history and still dated and ultimately M'd him thinking he'd be different with me.

Anyhoo (love this btw ) my H had his LTA with an employee and when I told him that in order for me to consider R she would have to go. He tried to tell me that she was too important and he was worried that she would file a lawsuit if he asked her to leave. I told him yes that was true she might file a suit but that if she didn't go I would definitely file for D. I think he thought he could still continue with her in the office and that I would eventually go along with this. NO F'ing WAY!

In one of many of our conversations, I told him that I truly believed that some men (and women I guess) aren't suited for monogamy. I told him I wasn't being judgmental or sarcastic. I truly believe this and considering his past history with his first wife and our history, I believed monogamy was not possible for him. I wasn't trying to bait him or judge him. I just needed him to know that I am a one man woman and wanted only a one woman man. I told him there would be no hard feelings, that we could have a very amicable D and that I wouldn't turn our children against him. I felt he needed to be honest with me and with himself about his ability to be faithful and if this was not possible for him I needed to move on and so did he. I kept stressing that it was not my intention to judge him. I just wasn't interested in being in a relationship with someone who didn't share my desire for a completely monogamous relationship.

Your H's comment on the OW's facebook page was completely disrespectful to you and that he doesn't see how this screams his ambivalence (IMHO) about his commitment to R is very sad. I can't help but wonder how he would feel if you did the same thing. If I remember correctly, he did know that you had started seeing someone shortly after your separation and was so jealous realizing you were with another man. Would he like it if you made contact with this guy again and posted a similar comment on his facebook page??? Somehow I doubt it very much.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
Allgoodnamesgone
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Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 6:49 AM, November 10th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Forgive - good to see you !

And thank you for your response.

We had a conversation similar to your monogamy talk last night. At some point I said that his workplace is rife with opportunity and infidelity runs rampant.

He came dangerously close to saying it happens all the time everywhere.

I told him that even if that's true. That's not ok with me. And that OW is the poster child for the most dark dysfunctional period in his life and he should not be taking any joy in seeing this reminder. Anyone, bottom line I told him that he's too far off course for me to fix & I had to let him go.

Being barraged with texts this morning about how he cant believe Im forcing him to have sex with other people now.
I really cant make this up.

Anyway- good to hear from you & I trust that all is well with you.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 7:43 AM, November 10th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WS seemed to be trying to guilt me in that "my decision" (not to R) will be having a negative and long term effect on the kids.

Your man does not know what to say, or how to behave in order to attract you back. If he does not know how to do that, what makes him an expert on the long term effects of raising kids?

He knows nothing about relationships nor the best way to even raise a child is my bet. His own behaviors you describe speak for themselves.

My father as an example. When he divorced my mother, he found and married a beautiful woman with a 9 year old (my Step brother). My step brother father was a manipulating addicted person.

My father took my step brother and taught him so many things. My step-brother‘s own father could see what was going on... He could see the character of my father (BTW, me, my sister and brother all successful in life yet what he did not teach? We all three lived fidelity yet all three cheated on? go figure!) and decided to try hard to be a better father. My step brother is a Colonel in the army working on his PhD. I believe for certain, my step-brother would have been led by his father a far different kind of man.

Being barraged with texts this morning about how he cant believe I'm forcing him to have sex with other people now.

Ya know Allgood? In my men's group I attend.. the directors describes this story EXACTLY. Your story EXACTLY. Did I call it in my earlier post?

You want to know how each case ends? Divorce.

He is a typical man today.. who for some reason our society has taught so many wrong values.. values of what can you give me. Give me.. GIVE ME! Yes the reason behind so many cheats.

[This message edited by trynhard at 7:45 AM, November 10th (Sunday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 8:01 AM, November 10th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If this was me allgood..

W, "You are forcing me to go have sex...blah Blah"

Me, "Honey, You go have sex with whoever you want.. "

He cannot be attractive to you. This "leads" YOU to not want the M.

But YOU fear! I know your fears.. Fear of what will my sweet 5 year old turn into? To deny her witness of a mother and father in a loving marriage.. Think she cannot see that anyway? Think again.

Perhaps you fear being single? Did you forget how to be single and fear that?


Dive into the pool..
Close your eyes and take a leap
Oh the shock of it all
Your breath is lost only for a mere minute.
It will be a blip in time years from now
As you tread now, can you reach the side?
who knows..
and as you swim against the current.. or perhaps with the current..
With confidence and effort, you will reach a shore
Will it be sweet honey or a dry desert.. who knows.
But on the horizon is another piece of shore
and another
and another..
As YOU stand up on this new shore, be proud.
You have courage because you are strong, not weak.
Tryn.. 11/11/13


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 8:44 AM, November 10th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tryn:

If this was me allgood..
W, "You are forcing me to go have sex...blah Blah"

Me, "Honey, You go have sex with whoever you want.. "

My response was to simply tell him to use a condom. Thenhe accused me of not caring about him - how could I be ok with him having sex wiht someone else?

I thentold him the conversation was over.

I am a little afraid of being single. Not petrified tho. My main concern is the impact on the kids.I see families affected by divorce every day. There are things to be concerned about.

And, we are not model for marriage. Mykids know we dont live together & my 5 year old daughter has asked me why Daddy cant live with us, etc. So, Im not trying to fool anyone here. I simply told my kids I would keep things as much the same for them as possible, as I know that is what kids really want or what they are most concerned about when parents split - how will this affect them, their social life, their free time, their holidays & important events.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 6:26 PM, November 10th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OMG allgood:

he is not only doing stupid really well...but im thinking he gets the stupid shit he says award for the year here....

time to move on allgood...let him hide and let him do what he needs to do to make himself feel better....you do what you gotta do for your kids...they will adjust....it sucks that we can't protect our kids from their stupid fathers...

just be there for your kids, listen and tell them that they are loved by both of you....

move on and find yourself a "real" man...or another boy toy to have some fun!!!


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 6:42 PM, November 10th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood: I'm so sorry you have to listen to the same old shit again. You are forcing him?? Geez. You should tell him if you had the much power, you would be forcing him to be faithful to you and a good husband!!
I truly understand you were doing what you thought was best for the kids, but in a way it was confusing to them as shown by your daughter's question about why daddy wasn't living with you guys.

He was cake eating. He could have his happy family, have contact with you, and then go off and live a single life.

Unfortunately, it is time for him to see what D/S is really like.

Perhaps he would agree to have the holidays as you've always have had it for the kids, but doing other things together will have to be changed. He still needs to be responsible for the kids and see them as much as he has been, but this time without you.

You have done everything in your power to fix the M, but you can't do it alone.

I know you are afraid to be single, but you are already single. I know you don't want to let go of the semblance of family you had with him, it's so very, very hard and heartbreaking. {{{{{Allgood}} Keep posting here. We're your family too and we're here for you.


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 7:59 PM, November 10th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you Miracle & Honest.

We're your family too and we're here for you

Thankfully this is true!

He has agreed to do Thanksgiving together. And we got through the weekend new routine ok. Thankfully, he will be back to working weekends again soon & we won't have to face that particular issue for several more months.

An exhausting week.

How is everyone else doing?

Decimated where are you?


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 8:20 AM, November 11th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks to all the Veterans out there!

I am a little afraid of being single. Not petrified tho. My main concern is the impact on the kids.I see families affected by divorce every day. There are things to be concerned about.

Hey Allgood, I felt the same way. After a bit I realized I was single a long time, STBXW just didn't bother to tell me . I also worry and still do worry about the kids but they seem to be okay if you are okay. We can't stop the stupidity they see from our WS's but we can model behavior and show them how things are supposed to be when they are with us. I no longer cover for my STBX at all. My son told me the other day he wished we would get back together. I calmly told him that was not going to happen but we still both loved him very much. I also had to have the conversation about Thanksgiving dinner but I handled that by telling them they get 2 Thanksgiving dinners like they always have. Mom would have her dinner at her house like she always does on the day before Thanksgiving and then he and his sister would go with me to Grandmas house for Thanksgiving dinner like we do every year. I wouldn't be at Mom's house and she won't be at Grandma's house. Oddly enough they don't seem to have any problems with 3 Christmas though and can't seem to stop talking about that.

Single life after D (or D is in the works) is actually pretty good so don't fear it. It does take some getting used to but change always does. If I can use a video game reference here, it's like you played a game to completion and now you can start over again. The difference is you get to keep all the cool powers, weapons, and experience you gained on the first play through. Yeah the ending wasn't exactly what you expected the first time through but you can now avoid some of those pitfalls if you choose to play through again. AND...yes some of the superpowers are real. For instance, I now have "red flag vision" and a utility belt with dumbass repellant spray. Feel free to borrow that at any time, it works on XWS's as well.

In my world things "seem" calm for now and i'll take it. I swear as soon as you say I am no longer looking to date the prosepcts drop from the sky. I am sticking to my timetable of no dating until D is final. All of my friends seem to be in a race to see who can hook me up first. That's the one good thing about being a decent person. There are so many dumbasses out here playing games that normal single people "seem" to be a rare commodity.

As for me personally, i'm kind of in a good spot right now. I am cool with being single and starting to enjoy it. I am actually going out by myself now, no more wingmen needed. I am slowly meeting new people and reconnecting with some old friends that are still in the area. I never realized just how much of an introverted homebody I had become over the years.

My son seems to be doing better. I have learned that's it's best to approach my STBXW about coparenting via flanking. The direct approach just doesn't work. I took IWAMs advice about letting my kids pick there bedtime and it worked in my house. My son got on the phone and told STBXW and now they seem to be doing the same at her house and getting in the bed on time. My son's IC wants to meet with STBX and I on occasion to discuss coparenting. That should help at least since he is an impartial 3rd party and he seems pretty intelligent. Anyway enough for now hope everyone enjoys the holiday and take care.


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
STBXWW = Her
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Separated 6/2013, D official around 6/2014

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