Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: steve2020 (43223)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affairs - Part 33
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 8:53 PM, November 12th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

mc_jack,

Yes, season one is based in infidelity, I think it bothers FWW more than me. She gets very quiet when infidelity comes up.

SMS, I too saw positive, and I have been trying to help FWW reframe and see them too. All the things she feels awful about are things she would not have recognized a few years ago. But now she has to find a way to transcend the self-loathing. Her statement that she would always have a razor blade because cutting provided comfort and the blade provided options still wierded me out. I do not think I will ever be comfortable with cutting.

Tryn, in our case I am going to disagree with you. FWW has a bottomless pit of need. You can never fill a bottomless pit even 25%. FWW must learn to find a way to provide herself affirming, and thereby put a floor on the pit so that what affirmation and deposits I provide can accumulate and register.

I find that I do better taking care of my kids' mother than I do my wife.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 10:01 AM, November 13th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I want to take the blue pill

Reunite:
That really made me laugh!! There are so many times I wish I could take the blue pill!! Reality: what a concept!
I agree with you,it's not about what "women" want. It's an individual thing. There are some books like the "Five Languages of Love" that helps open a dialogue about what we, AS INDIVIDUALS may want or need.

Sister: Thank you for the affirmation. There is some codependent behavior going on if all I'm just focusing on being the best wife in the world FOR HIM, and not trying to be the best for ME.

Tryn: When I read your posts, I try to get what you are meaning to say, like as said above, to be the best person I can be, but I can't control what NPD does. Actually, in my sitch it just feeds into the cake eating that he wants.

Ats: I truly understand what you are saying about a bottomless pit of need because of my mother. It really sounds like BPD behavior. There is just so much you can do. You have to define the boundaries and do what you feel is reasonable. It gets so hard, because there comes a point so many times that one can get resentful about all this. You can do as Tryn suggests, give her some more affirmation throughout the day, but you know it will never be enough. I really feel bad, because I know she is suffering, and it seems she has tried so hard, but so have you. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Also, Ats, your journey is to be admired. Perhaps you may think about posting about it for the newbies. What you have done to help yourself heal and go forth. Your posts have been so wonderfully helpful, insightful, and wise. Thank you.


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
MC_Jack
♂ Member
Member # 35016
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, November 13th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honest...

you got it here:

There is some codependent behavior going on if all I'm just focusing on being the best wife in the world FOR HIM, and not trying to be the best for ME.
^^^ you be attractive and quality FOR YOU. Then let the chips fall where they may.

I think there is some logical misunderstanding of what tryn is saying. He is saying that you be attractive and quality for yourself...and then if your spouse is quality - your spouse will respond - if your spouse does not respond (because your spouse is not quality), then remove them from you life if not just from your hopes and expectations. Tryn is not saying IMO that if your your WS does not respond that means you are not quality or it is your fault for not being quality. That is a different logical relationship, and not true.

SisterMilk^^^ you agree/disagree?


Jack


I am not a marriage counselor. I chose "MC Jack" in the spirit of a handle like "MC Hammer" or Young MC"...there is a lot of 'rapping' here, no? At the time I did not know what MC stood for on this site. Duh.

Posts: 792 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: West Coast of Hopa-hopa-land
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 12:33 PM, November 13th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jack, I don't misunderstand tryn' at all. You can interpret it the way you want. Post after post of his is couched in a way that implies that if we are the best quality and attractive spouse we will not be betrayed. That if we are a much better spouse the other spouse will naturally be a better spouse. Whether they are quality or not, that is so not true.

Of course I agree that everyone should be the best they can be.

That isn't the subtle message that I consistently read from tryn'. Oftentimes his posts are filled with sexism and generalizations. Tryn' is entitled to his opinion. When that opinion is sexist or a generalization, I will call bullshit on it. When I feel his opinion implies that a spouse has control over the other spouse by your actions, I will call bullshit.

honest: I am loving the new feistiness I am seeing in you.

because cutting provided comfort and the blade provided options still wierded me out. I do not think I will ever be comfortable with cutting.
ats, I hope you are never comfortable with it.

RP: I have some thoughts on needs and wants I want (or need?) to share with you, however, I am short on time right now. I hope to get back to this.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 8988 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 12:40 PM, November 13th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

honesttoafault:

You have to define the boundaries and do what you feel is reasonable.

This caught my attention. I said a similar thing to FWW before our dday when we were talking about expectations she felt on her from her DDs, sister, parents, etc. I told her you have to do what you believe to be right and proper, what you will feel comfortable with looking back years from now. I did not know the word boundary then, but that is what I was talking about. This means to me that there are times I do things I would prefer not to do because I believe that it is the right thing to do, it is what the person I want to be would do. It also empowers me to say No.

Another thing about the recent events; FWW and I had sex for the first time in a month or so after this was over. She told me she had downloaded and erotic story to her Kindle, and she suggested an erotic and somewhat edgy fantasy to try. Then the next day she slept on the couch, and today is not talking to me as much as usual. I have seen this pattern before, and I believe it is her “clinger” feeling in danger of abandonment and offering herself sexually to wrap me back up, making the offer so erotic (she thinks) I cannot refuse. It makes me sad as I think it shows that sex really does not equal love or emotional connection to her. It is a tool that she has learned to wield on men. OM is not responding enough, so she ramps up the texting with sexting and or a nude photo. OM complains about their time together or cancels on her, she offers and provides “non-vanilla” sex to hold his interest. OM says his BW will not do X or Y, well then FWW did. These are not things she does with me, and she has only offered a few times when very drunk and feeling shame over her A’s, as I see it as a form of self-punishment.

What I need to figure out, and have not, is how to replace the feeling of connection I have during and after sex. As much as I think I understand these things (as just described) I still feel close to her, and more loving towards her after sex. The longer we go without sex, the more this feeling fades. If I could find a replacement to keep that feeling without the sex I would really be pretty happy in my M.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 1:14 PM, November 13th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yp Sister you are reading my post loud and clear.
Post after post of his is couched in a way that implies that if we are the best quality and attractive spouse we will not be betrayed.

It is a belief. I beleive for MOST all marriage depending on behaviors we do or not do can be affair proof.

Of course I agree that everyone should be the best they can be.

And that might not be good enough. So you had better well know this... You are welcome to call this BS all you want but here goes...If you are not filling a need or want in your spouse, YOU leave the door open for another to fill it.

Obviously, seems to me many people on SI takes the postion.. My spouse is broken.

Yes, I say stop worring about fixing your spouses and start working on fixing YOU.

Prevention works!

MC has it right...

He is saying that you be attractive and quality for yourself...and then if your spouse is quality - your spouse will respond - if your spouse does not respond (because your spouse is not quality), then remove them from you life if not just from your hopes and expectations.

ATS..
What I need to figure out, and have not, is how to replace the feeling of connection I have during and after sex.

You know I would never recommend that.. I think that is a path do more disconnection.

OK.. If I noticed my W behaving how your W behaved.. I would do this.. I would go grab her both hands, look her right into her eyes.. and say.. Last night meant something very important to me. I want you to feel just as close to me. You mean everything to me. Then I would give her the good ole make out kiss.

I beleive you can lead your wife to a far better place.

[This message edited by trynhard at 1:16 PM, November 13th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
MC_Jack
♂ Member
Member # 35016
Default  Posted: 1:15 PM, November 13th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sister, I will let tryn clarify anything he wishes to...

For me, I guess I am of the opinion that:
being quality attracts quality, and,
being quality protects you from those lacking quality.

...not protection from being betrayed, no magic wand over others, yes shit happens, but from being hurt from repeated betrayal...


I am not a marriage counselor. I chose "MC Jack" in the spirit of a handle like "MC Hammer" or Young MC"...there is a lot of 'rapping' here, no? At the time I did not know what MC stood for on this site. Duh.

Posts: 792 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: West Coast of Hopa-hopa-land
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 1:17 PM, November 13th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For me, I guess I am of the opinion that:
being quality attracts quality, and,
being quality protects you from those lacking quality.

Be careful MC.. you are drinking the kool aid.

Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 1:27 PM, November 13th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would do this.. I would go grab her both hands, look her right into her eyes.. and say.. Last night meant something very important to me. I want you to feel just as close to me. You mean everything to me. Then I would give her the good ole make out kiss.

Tryn, so actually I did yesterday when we got home, and have in the past. Here is what happens...

look her right into her eyes..

she will not hold eye contact, never has

Then I would give her the good ole make out kiss.

she closes her mouth, squirms a bit, and apologies saying she has not brushed her teeth


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 1:28 PM, November 13th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SO I think hard at the message Sister is saying to me.. Can her way be the best.. but I am not sure what her way is? What is it?

His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage By: Willard F. Harley Jr.

Affair-Proof Your Marriage Understanding, Preventing and Surviving an Affair by Lana Staheli

Affair-Proofing Your Marriage
By: Ron Anderson

Is my way too hurful? Too much work?

As for me know what a woman needs.. I am looking hard at myself and what I know.. So I am doing a survey that will asked wives what they want. I think you will see some interesting questions. And this is for me.. to understand and know... So I can make sure I am not missing any hole that my W may not be telling me about.


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 1:32 PM, November 13th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

...being quality protects you from those lacking quality.

I am going to disagree with this one. I know a number of BSs on SI I would consider quality from what I know of them, and people in life who are quality.

While I hate the phrase "I was not perfect...", I did try to be a good partner and H. I had past successful long-term relationships. Sure I was young(er) and immature, but looking back I can see the personal growth I was making. I was quality. I was stable, kind, no addictions, always earned more than I spent, repair household and vehicle issues, supported wife and kids in school, induldged FWW's choices for homes, pets, etc, etc. No protection for me.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 1:40 PM, November 13th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ATS.. I am going to tell you a true story.

I never made out with my wife.. for years! unless we were having sex. Maybe oncen in awhile. So my theropist says.. A man not making out with his wife is a man who will not be loved like he needs to be loved.

So I started making the effort. My W pushed me away.. it was awkward... but after a few attempts, it got easier. Now I must have done that maybe once or twice a week for 6 monhts. I NEVER got reciprocity like her just coming up to me and laying one on me. But I stayed at it.. about year after doing that.. All the sudden my wife will just come up to me and lay one on! It has continued into today.

What you must do is be consistent.. and be diligent.. You keep behaving in the most quality way.. and THAT IS CONNECTING when having sex.. (But a good rumble is needed sometimes too) I am telling you she will come around no matter her past.

A message for sister.. Yes, My W and her former lover were making out often.. meanwhile, I was NOT doing that. Do I think my OM was making out often with his W? Hell no... I was settled into the she is my "I DO" property mode.. Now perhaps you were kissing your H every week.. twice a week.. be honest.. were you or not? I yes, Then that what was NOT missing in your H.

And Please... I am not blaming YOU or ME. We M weak people.. they made horrible decisions.. It solved nothing.. THAT FALLS ON THEM.

[This message edited by trynhard at 1:42 PM, November 13th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 1:48 PM, November 13th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

While I hate the phrase "I was not perfect...", I did try to be a good partner and H.

me too ATS.. I was trying to be the best man any woman could have. But as I started to look hard at myself.. my behavoirs over the years.. No, I was not filling the needs of a woman. Yes, Sister.. It took $1000 for a man to show me, teach me, to help me change and not ever fear again. And now I notice when I am with my friends, my co-workers.. people that account to me.. And all those bad behaviors. They are glaring.

Men will come into theropy and take all this as the finger pointing at them. It hurts.. It hurts to know when you were dating you made out with yor wife all the time yet for whatever reasons.. kids, work or whatever.. we just stopped doing them.

And my W did the same to me.. She was trying to tell me before her A something was not right.. but had no clue how to conflict with me to the point she could make it clear. And oh her fears.. How in the world could she take care of kids as a homemaker?

All this stuff builds and builds.. until it explodes around us..

Be attentive.. protect yourself.

[This message edited by trynhard at 1:53 PM, November 13th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 2:59 PM, November 13th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

being quality attracts quality, and,
being quality protects you from those lacking quality.

MC: The problem is that with sociopaths, emotional abusers, and NPD's being quality is what attracts them! They are masters of manipulation. Perhaps I was not quality enough for ME and had enough self esteem to really see the red flags.

Tryn: NPD and I have always been very affectionate, always hugging and kissing several times EVERY.DAY. Holding and hugging one another every night while watching TV. We always talked respectfully to one another.

I walked on eggshells, though. Always trying to please him in every way I could think of.

Affair proof??

NPD told my IC that he could not be with one woman.

So short of cloning myself, I did all I could before DDay and after. Am I perfect? Certainly not.

You are talking about affair proofing a marriage. But that has to be a marriage that is in R and both parties are committed to working it out. There are ups and downs for both parties, but they are both trying. You can't affair proof a marriage when one partner is in an A.

We M weak people.. they made horrible decisions.. It solved nothing.. THAT FALLS ON THEM
.

This is where you are 100% correct. I couldn't stop wH#1 from drinking, that was his decision. I couldn't stop him from making the choice to have an A to solve his unhappiness or emptiness or wanting to have his needs filled (which was to be a drinking buddy whore).

Tryn, people on SI talk about the WS as being broken, because the WS made the decision to deal with whatever problems they had by having an A. The problems could have had nothing to do with the M or was part of it. Maybe their needs weren't being filled, maybe they needed more external validation, more sex, who knows? But I've seen so many M where one spouse puts up with a tremendous amount of heartache and abuse, and not cheat. Look at all of us who suffered betrayal of a LTA with gaslighting, TT, lies, etc and did we cheat?? Did our spouses affair proof our M?

This means to me that there are times I do things I would prefer not to do because I believe that it is the right thing to do, it is what the person I want to be would do. It also empowers me to say No.

With boundaries with someone who has BPD traits, one does their best and loves them, but we have to remember, as you said, they can be a bottomless pit of need. As per your post lovemaking, it is something that Mrs. Ats has to work out for herself. You should not change who you are, that you feel loving and close to her after. Have you tried sex therapy? (for her) that perhaps it might help her work out even more her deep emotional foo issues in this area. Perhaps she may learn to live in the moment and just enjoy it for what it is? Just an idea.

honest: I am loving the new feistiness I am seeing in you
.

Sister: Moi???? lol
Stupid thing is if I assert myself I end up apologizing for it later


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
MC_Jack
♂ Member
Member # 35016
Default  Posted: 3:12 PM, November 13th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ats,

being quality attracts quality, and,
being quality protects you from those lacking quality.
^^^in writing that, I am not suggesting that 'protects' means preventing one from being betrayed...a matter of semantics I suppose, I see that word being about vigilance, knowing and asking directly for what you want, seeing who you are with clearly, defining and monitoring your boundaries, enforcing deal-breakers, etc.


I am not a marriage counselor. I chose "MC Jack" in the spirit of a handle like "MC Hammer" or Young MC"...there is a lot of 'rapping' here, no? At the time I did not know what MC stood for on this site. Duh.

Posts: 792 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: West Coast of Hopa-hopa-land
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 4:29 PM, November 13th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage By: Willard F. Harley Jr.

Affair-Proof Your Marriage Understanding, Preventing and Surviving an Affair by Lana Staheli

Affair-Proofing Your Marriage
By: Ron Anderson

This is were your thinking (imo) gets twisted tryn' . There is no such thing as affair proofing a marriage. It is a myth. You can only affair proof yourself. That is it.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 8988 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 5:05 PM, November 13th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ats-
I am so sorry for all that you have to deal with.
Your wife is certainly struggling with so many psychological and emotional issues!
She sounds like my BPD mom with her constant need for affirmation and extremely low self esteem.
So on the one hand they have low self esteem but on the other hand they have extremely high expectations for those closest to them and and will lash out in anger very quickly at the slightest provocation.
It's that old...you can do 100 things right but then do one thing wrong and that's all that they will remember.

About the cutting...just awful that she still clings to that. Obviously she has not worked through all of these issues.

I know she's in IC but remember not all ICs are familiar with issues like cutting.
Has she ever looked into finding someone that has experience dealing with depression and cutting?

As for the sexual acting out... it's interesting for me to read this because it sounds very much like the behavior of my FWH's MOW.

After d-day my need to know everything about the infidelity extended to trying to understand the OW as well as my husband!
I just found all of the behavior so hard to relate to because it was so different from how I think, act etc.
Well, anyway... I read a book by Charlotte Kasl-'Women, Sex, and Addiction'. In it the author describes how these women do the things they do in order to feel a sense of power...etc.

The book may give you more insight.... although, I have to agree with honest-your posts are already deep and insightful and very helpful to all who read them.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 5:11 PM, November 13th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honest, You cannot affair proof a marriage with NPD spouse. Narcissistic completely lack of empathy toward others. Your H may have behaved like...

Tryn: NPD and I have always been very affectionate, always hugging and kissing several times EVERY.DAY. Holding and hugging one another every night while watching TV. We always talked respectfully to one another.

But his feelings are so self absorbed he has no feelings for others. He is therefore entitled to take on another wife.

And yes,

I walked on eggshells, though. Always trying to please him in every way I could think of.

Of course you did… because if you stood up for proper behavior, he would go ballistic. Manipulate you back into his conformance. And I know you enough over the years to understand YOU did all you could. You can only do so much. You have what my therapist calls.. An “irrational spouse.”

Did you know the NPD is thought to occur in less than 1 percent in the general population? That means not many men are like your H. So when you have one, you make them no longer part of your world. You cannot ever be happy with an “irrational spouse”.

What I am trying to tell you is that you likely don’t apply to what my therapist teaches.. Other than he says YOU apply so much pressure, they then want to leave. Sure I bet there a few things you could change.. but it won’t matter to a NPD person. I know there are things I must change about me.

On the other hand, You can fix yourself. Quality means not only being a woman who is beautiful to her man, but loves herself too. Your first step is something you already know. You are co-dependant. Does that mean you depend on your man? You live in fear Honest. That is something you must figure out how to eliminate and replace.

I have posted to you before…But your stay in fear. We can have fear but we must muster up courage.

I want to encourage you.. Form a plan and begin to execute it with courage.

- Start volunteering and networking with local schools. This will help you find a job.
- You must find some way to make a living.
- Start planting seeds with your grown sons for help in your escape.
- Do not fear asking for help. Our government can help you until you get to independence. Other close friends.
- Plan your defense.. Like a restraining order prep if needed. Ask those buff men you reared to stay with you for a few weeks.
- Fear not what your H will do financially to scare you… He is going to take care of your boy.
- Investigate how you can take what is yours.. Like bank accounts. See what you can get in you’re your hands of for the day of execution.
- Plan to Eliminate all your joint credit cards, joint credit.. stuff like that before you tell him.
- Tell him you need an extra $300 - $400/smonth for art class and go draw at the local coffee house.. Do this for the next several months.
- Try things that make him think it is his choice to D you. Things he can agree with you on until he agrees.. Like saying your other W is far better, she is better able to meet your needs. I cannot. Stop having sex with him. A MUST. Tell him you are sick if you must.
- Add pressures to him so he wants to D you.

Or.. You can make the choice my grandmother made. She let my grandfather do what he wants. Keep his mistress. She lived basically M, but separate lives. My grandfather supported my grandfather fully. Let your H support you and be happy with how you live your life. Don’t worry about what he tells you.. it goes right through you. A so what attitude.. just pay for my living, I will treat you nice. I can respect that decision. “Oh, my H, yes, I am married but I live my own life. I am nice to him and he is nice to me.. He has another wife I he can have that.. .as long as he pays my living.”


Yeh..

But I've seen so many M where one spouse puts up with a tremendous amount of heartache and abuse, and not cheat.

And what I say about being quality and fixing YOU includes that group too.


Look at all of us who suffered betrayal of a LTA with gaslighting, TT, lies, etc and did we cheat?
Yes, you are right. We suffered because we had something about us.. it is called putting up with a non-loving marriage. We stopped kissing, we stopped sex, we sacrificed quality time, we took ugly words said to us, we turned our attention to other things, like work, hobbies.. kids… we.. Oh we can all make the list of non-loving behaviors we were on the receiving end.. It is just not possible to love two people completely like a marriage is suppose to be at the same time. When they did it to us, they pushed us away and we let it happen.. we found way to keep ourselves just happy enough. We replaced it with other things. Is that not true for you other folks too? Was it just me?

The day I discovered.. It all finally made sense. My feelings told me all along.. I did not pay attention to them. All those little things in combination rushed through my head. And as time went on.. more and more made sense. And of course, I was devastated. I wanted end my life. I wanted to end another mans life. I was a weak man. I am glad today this happened to me at such a young age.. to learn to be stronger.

I have found the best way for me to live today is.. hey, my W can go have any man she wishes. It will only hurt me for a short time. If that does happen, I have no clue if I will end up better or worse but my effort will make it better somehow and I will change and change until I get to that point. I am being the most attractive man. I will do it with confidence, diligence, and solid effort. I can be afraid but I act with courage. I have strong values because I researched to know what is most healthy and happy. And the consequence today is my W is all over me. If not, she makes her choice which goes back to my not accepting an unloving M. I will driver her to leave with all kinds of pressures. She behaves like a loving W, in return she get a very loving H. I realize my values might not be the same as others. I share them.. can give reason behind them and if you want to keep your value, you go right ahead. I can only control myself and cannot control what others do. You behave badly around me, you are not going to be part of my circle.

If I had that attitude all along.. No way has my W cheats. This is not blaming YOU for your spouse.. You can take it that way, but it is about empowering YOURSELF.

In the men’s thread I got.. she should have liked me the way I was. Well, She didn’t.

Oh well enough preaching… I hope you all peace.


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 5:16 PM, November 13th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is were your thinking (imo) gets twisted tryn' . There is no such thing as affair proofing a marriage. It is a myth. You can only affair proof yourself. That is it.

Sister, I can agree with you to know some people are self destructive. There are never absolutes. I should say more like.. It is exteamly rare.

Once you go through a relationship where an affair happened.. You can then certianly get to an affair proof marriage. Pick wisely, be nice.


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 5:23 PM, November 13th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You can then certianly get to an affair proof marriage. Pick wisely, be nice.
Strongly disagree. There are no guarantee's. Who is making this guarantee, tryn'?


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 8988 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
Topic Posts: 996
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48 · 49 · 50

Return to Forum: I Can Relate Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.