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User Topic: Long Term Affairs - Part 33
DecimatedHeart
♀ Member
Member # 37657
Default  Posted: 1:20 AM, November 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey guys. Thanks for all the warm thoughts. I'm a mess right now. Here's what happened. I came home from work on Saturday and DD, who only knew OW's first name, starts grilling me for her last name. I asked her why. She said her and her dad were on his phone looking for something online and a message alert popped up on the top of his screen, from OW. First and last name.

I go inside and I'm shaking and confront WH. He tries to deny it. Shows me his text message list with nothing from her there. So, obviously an email. Won't look at emails. Won't give me phone. Insists that he doesn't know what it was, that he hasn't had contact with her in months, that he'll look later. He refuses to look with me because he doesn't know what is in it. Claims he didn't see it pop up on the screen. He was looking forward to me coming home and us having the fun game night we had planned, and still wants to do that. I go upstairs, start packing a suitcase, and he pulls me away from it, hugging me, promising me that it's over and he's sorry I'm 'triggering'. I wanted to leave, but there was just no way I was safe to drive, so I stayed, but it was awful. I tried to sleep on the couch but he insisted I come to bed with him.

Sunday morning, I am still upset. I try and talk to him. He supposedly still hasn't looked to see what it was. Won't look with me. I try to explain to him that even if I believe him that he hasn't been in contact with her, then she is obviously fishing to see if he'll take the bait and reply, and I have a right to be upset. He seemed to get irritated when I asked 'Who does that? Who could be so selfish?'

I told him that being honest with me, showing me the email - no matter what it says - so we can deal with it together, would go a long way towards rebuilding trust. Then he tells me that maybe it's over, because I don't trust him anyway, and it makes him feel like he can never relax. He hates how DD and I look over his shoulder anytime he's on his phone, how I pop into his office with coffee occasionally when he's working late and he knows it's because I'm checking to make sure he's actually there. I didn't deny it. I told him that I want to trust him, but he doesn't do the things that would allow me to... like right now. But that every time I went to his office and he was actually there, he earned trust points and I felt better. He said every time I showed up it made him feel like there was no hope. I agreed with him that maybe it's really over, that I'm not happy either. I told him that I'm working on me and trying to save us, but that I have no idea if he's doing the same, because he doesn't want to talk about it and it makes it impossible for me to put my guard down.

At this point I was falling apart, in a towel, with 20 minutes to get ready for work. He hugged me tighter than he probably ever has, told me he was so sorry I'm hurting, that he was so sorry he's destroying me, and to calm down and get ready for work, not to worry about anything, that when I got home, we'd all go to the mall to get me a few things, and that he'd try and bring me coffee later. Kissed me goodbye and told me he loved me when I left for work.

When I got home, he pulled me into another bear hug. DD was sick, so the mall was out. We did some cleaning and watched a couple of TV shows, and he was very huggy and affectionate and talking about buying new Christmas lights and 'next year we should...' I had two glasses of wine to calm my nerves and ended up two sheets to the wind -- guess all the throwing up and not eating lowered my tolerance. He brought me water and ice cream and cuddled me in bed. But not once did he mention the email.

I have no idea what it was. I have no idea if he replied. I have no idea if he was telling the truth that he hadn't broken NC.

Honestly, I feel like I'm falling apart at the seams. I don't know what to think. I don't know what to do. My head is spinning and I can't think straight.

[This message edited by DecimatedHeart at 1:31 AM, November 18th (Monday)]


Me, BS 41
Him WH 42 - LTA, EA/PA
Together 24 years
DD13 - the love of my life
DDay#1 11/10/2012
DDay#4 4/5/2013 (NC broken AGAIN)
A supposedly over 6/14/2013

All my posts are edited - I hate typos. :)


Posts: 129 | Registered: Nov 2012
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 5:30 AM, November 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DH-
No amount of hugs can make up for a total lack of transparency and an unwillingness on his part to do what you need him to do
The fact that he refuses to give you access to his phone and email says a lot. He is hiding stuff from you.
And he thinks he can appease you with promises.

Have you read 'Love Must Be Tough' by James Dobson?


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 6:16 AM, November 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Decimated

Again, I am so sorry for what you are going through and once again - this sounds like my WS.

I wish I had more time to respond, but here it goes:

1. You said everything right. Your "gut" is right.

2. He is, at best, being completely insensitive to your needs. But, I'm 99% sure he has looked at his phone and it's exactly as you suspected. That he didnt immediately show you the phone is 100% bullshit. Days later showing means absolutely nothing. I dont think you need further proof, to be honest, but if you want to have peace ofmind, I would demand records and nothing short of it.

3. The most honest thing he said to you was that it wasnt working out - that he doesnt like the way he is being treated or whatever the wording was. Not that you are wrong in how you behave, but he is still too selfish and self absorbed at best & if you ask me, its because he is still having contact with OW or the A never stopped.

4. Eff him with the coffee and shopping. SEriously?!?

I think its important that you post here often so that you do not let him twist your head further.

And mind you, Im not a s/d pusher - but I can certainly recognize a spouse that is not working on R.

((Decimated))


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 6:41 AM, November 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DH,

FWW never liked me going through her phone, still doesn't, but when she realized and acknowledged that I had never done this sort of thing before and that she had pushed me to needing to do this was when I saw she began to own her crap. Up until then she was managing me and holding on to the story that I had driven her to her A and that her OM were just fond friends.

Focus on what you and your DD need.

-Ats


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3961 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
DecimatedHeart
♀ Member
Member # 37657
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, November 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NJ and Allgood - I agree with you both completely. I started to read Love Must Be Tough but I didn't care for the religious overtones. It's back on my To Read list.

ats - I said as much to him, that did he understand that we act like that because there were seven months of lies to DD and me from D-day #1 to when the A supposedly ended? He said he got it. I told him that it's only been 5 months since it supposedly ended, and that the affair was going on for over 2 years, isn't it reasonable that it would at least take me as long as he was in it for me to get over it? He said he understood.

I tried texting him this morning, asked him a question about DD and what the email was. Replied about DD, but had to run to a meeting and didn't answer about the email. I asked again but got no response. Just one more day I get to go to work a nervous wreck. I don't know how many days I can blame my puffy eyes on being tired.

[This message edited by DecimatedHeart at 9:27 AM, November 18th (Monday)]


Me, BS 41
Him WH 42 - LTA, EA/PA
Together 24 years
DD13 - the love of my life
DDay#1 11/10/2012
DDay#4 4/5/2013 (NC broken AGAIN)
A supposedly over 6/14/2013

All my posts are edited - I hate typos. :)


Posts: 129 | Registered: Nov 2012
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 9:45 AM, November 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry that you are going through this DH. Trust your GUT! I am pretty sure it has been screaming at you for months now. This latest thing hurts so much because it was likely confirmation of what you knew deep down inside. The fact that he is not transparent is all the proof you need.

You know when I knew I was done, it was when my STBXW changed the password on her phone over 1.5 years out from Dday. She swore nothing was happening and she just needed some privacy back. To me things just unraveled after that. For me it was just easier to assume she was in the middle of another A and file for D. I didn't have the energy for snooping anymore and just wanted a normal life again whatever that meant. For me the unknown of D became more appealing than the craziness I was stuck in. To this day she swears she wasn't seeing OM or anyone again but it became irrelevant to me because putting the password back on the phone was just a symptom of her deeper problems and I was done. Besides how hard was it to remove a password if you were the least bit interested in helping me heal. The fact that she didn't just meant she wasn't truly remorseful.

DH, I know everything is swirling again but please consider doing an extremely hard 180 right now. He is showing you exactly who he is and no matter what he tells you, your GUT is right. The actions you described from your WH are those of a man that is hiding something. It may or may not be a full blown A but at the very least he is not even remotely interested in helping you heal, fixing the M, or fixing himself.

I know you had a plan a few months back. You should seriously consider starting it back up again. He is going to try the hot cold thing with you again until this "blows over". H may even threaten to D you himself to get you to jump back in line. No one deserves to be treated this way. Please take care of yourself.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 9:46 AM, November 18th (Monday)]


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
STBXWW = Her
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Separated 6/2013, D official around 6/2014

Posts: 1559 | Registered: May 2011
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 9:52 AM, November 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

...asked him a question about DD and what the email was.

DH, asking again about the email was a little like poking a sore tooth. You know what the result is going to be. He is still hiding truth from you, and putting his feelings ahead of yours. He has a history of lying and TT that you know of, and you know he is doing it still. You may not know what the Truth is, but you know TT and avoiding truth when you see it.

What he knows is that there are no consequences for continuing to TT and avoid. Sure, you get upset and cry, but he is putting his feelings ahead of yours. I can envision him rationalizing you would cry and be upset if you knew the truth too, so why not protect himself. He stays in the house, he stays with the appearance of a married man, he gets to continue contact if and when he wants (or she wants) with OW. He has not owned his betrayal, so it is reasonable that he is still inclined to look to OW for comfort or affirmation when he feels stressed, alone, or whatever the trigger is he turns to A to address.

I recommend you stop touching that tooth, 180 it. Focus on you and your DD. You know your WH is hiding the truth and not owning his issues. While you would like to know the truth you won’t without his assistance. Work on the things you can do and you can control. Leave him to his wayward behaviors.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3961 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 10:14 AM, November 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Then he tells me that maybe it's over, because I don't trust him anyway, and it makes him feel like he can never relax. He hates how DD and I look over his shoulder anytime he's on his phone, how I pop into his office with coffee occasionally when he's working late and he knows it's because I'm checking to make sure he's actually there. I didn't deny it

DH: Sometimes I really think there is a WS handbook. WH always said things like that. One of the reasons he gave me why he cheated? "You were always suspicious" and then he stopped and said, "I guess you had a reason to be"

Trust your gut. He is doing the usual distraction tactics: "I love you, I'll get you some presents, I'll give you affection.....what are you complaining about? Look how good I'm being to you! If you don't like it, then maybe we should D"

I know you want all of this to go away. You want to stop hurting. {{{{{{DH}}}}} Letting up on this and rugsweeping is putting a bandaid on a major sinkhole.

Please keep posting here for strength. You know he is not being honest with.


Posts: 1897 | Registered: Jan 2010
MC_Jack
♂ Member
Member # 35016
Default  Posted: 11:00 AM, November 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi DHeart,

This crappy treatment ends when you say it does. I understand that it is very difficult to draw a line in the sand; so yes the 180 will help you focus on yourself and get you steady on your feet.

Do not play along with WH's circular logic about trust. He had your complete trust. He broke that trust. Now he has to earn that trust back. Through a 'trust but verify' program. You should have insisted upon seeing his phone immediately without offering a reason or excuse. So tell him: transparency means I can look at your shit any time without having to offer a reason or excuse. That is the trust rehab program that he is in.

Jack

[This message edited by MC_Jack at 11:18 AM, November 18th (Monday)]


I am not a marriage counselor. I chose "MC Jack" in the spirit of a handle like "MC Hammer" or Young MC"...there is a lot of 'rapping' here, no? At the time I did not know what MC stood for on this site. Duh.

Posts: 788 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: West Coast of Hopa-hopa-land
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 6:22 PM, November 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DH-
I usually do explain to people that Dobson is a Christian author and a big supporter of marriage but in cases where the WS will not give up the affair he advocates a tough love approach that follows many of the same rules that the 180 does.
I think that his advice is valuable even if you do not believe in the religious aspects of his writing.
here is one quote:
"The precipitated crises, first, must be accompanied by an entire change of attitude. Instead of begging. pleading, wringing your hands and whimpering like an abused puppy, you as the vulnerable partner must appear strangely calm and assured. The key word is CONFIDENCE, and it is of maximum importance. Your manner should say, "I believe in me. I am no longer afraid. I can cope regardless of the outcome. I know something I am not talking about, I have had my day of sorrow and I am through crying. God and I can handle whatever life puts in my path

Dobson also gives a sample letter to write to the WS. He compares the WS to a rebellious teen. The more you try to hold on the more the WS will often pull away. That is why he recommends the tough love approach.

Here is his sample letter (again, take what you need and leave the rest whenever advice is offered):

Opening the Cage Door
Perhaps it is now apparent where the present line of reasoning is leading us. If there is hope for dying marriages, and I certainly believe there is, then it is likely to be found in the reconstruction of respect between warring husbands and wives. That requires the vulnerable spouse to open the cage door and let the trapped partner out! All the techniques of containment must end immediately, including manipulative grief, anger, guilt and appeasement. Begging, pleading, crying, hand-wringing and playing the role of the doormat are equally destructive.

There may be a time and place for strong feelings to be expressed, and there may be an occasion for quiet tolerance. But these responses must not be used as persuasive devices to hold the drifting partner against his or her will.

"John [or Diane], I've been through some very tough moments since you decided to leave, as you know. My love for you is so profound that I just couldn't face the possibility of life without you. To a person like me, who expected to marry only once and to remain committed for life, it is a severe shock to see our relationship begin to unravel. Nevertheless, I have done some intense soul-searching, and I now realize that I have been attempting to hold you against your will. That simply can't be done.

As I reflect on our courtship and early years together, I'm reminded that you married me of your own free choice. I did not blackmail you or twist your arm or offer you a bribe. It was a decision you made without pressure from me. Now you say you want out of the marriage, and obviously, I have to let you go. I'm aware that I can no more force you to stay today than I could have made you marry me in 1989 [or whenever]. You are free to go. If you never call me again, then I will accept your decision.

I admit that this entire experience has been painful, but I'm going to make it. The Lord has been with me thus far and He'll go with me in the future. You and I had some wonderful times together, John. You were my first real love and I'll never forget the memories that we shared. I will pray for you and trust that God will guide you in the years ahead."

Exerpt originally taken from James Dobson's book, Love Must Be Tough (copyright © 1983, 2007 by James Dobson, Inc.), published by Tyndale House Publishers.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 7:30 PM, November 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Decimated - please check in - I find myself checing this site throughout the day to see how you are doing & Im worrying...


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
DecimatedHeart
♀ Member
Member # 37657
Default  Posted: 7:45 PM, November 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just got home from work. Will post later.


Me, BS 41
Him WH 42 - LTA, EA/PA
Together 24 years
DD13 - the love of my life
DDay#1 11/10/2012
DDay#4 4/5/2013 (NC broken AGAIN)
A supposedly over 6/14/2013

All my posts are edited - I hate typos. :)


Posts: 129 | Registered: Nov 2012
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 12:01 AM, November 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((dh)))

dr phil has this saying..."crazy is doing the same thing and expecting different results"

we sometimes want to believe so much we close our eyes to what is clearly there

we sometimes want to preserve the love "we believed" we had, we close our eyes to what is clearly there

we sometimes want to save "our family unit", we close our eyes to what is clearly there

the question then becomes: when will we "open" our eyes to what is clearly there

be ready to "see" what is clearly there

and more importantly "deal with it".......dealing with it is clearly the hardest part...it means we have to face change, possibly face moving, face breaking apart our family unit, and worst....deal with all the hurt that goes along with it....

but the bright side...and there really is a bright side...gone are the multiple d-days, gone are the multiple knives to a heart that is already torn apart.....and ironically its when we can put our heart back togther....its when we can find peace within, its when we can get on with living instead of merely surviving...


dh....when youre ready,i believe you know whats coiming...stick to your plan....and 180 his ass in a hard hard way.....

(((ribe)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
DecimatedHeart
♀ Member
Member # 37657
Default  Posted: 7:33 AM, November 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey guys.

I'm here. I feel like a zombie, but I'm here. Got home from work at 8:30 last night, back here at 7:15 this morning. Probably a good thing.

WH is being very sweet, offering to make me food when I got home last night, complimenting me on my appearance but concerned I'd be too cold this morning, et cetera. But not one f''''n word about that email. Nothing.

I can't do it anymore. I just can't. He's right about one thing - he's destroying me. And I''''m letting him. You're all absolutely correct. It's time to take off the blinders and give up hope. Hope is causing me pain.

ETA: Jack - I did ask for the phone. He told me no. Like he always does.

[This message edited by DecimatedHeart at 7:52 AM, November 19th, 2013 (Tuesday)]


Me, BS 41
Him WH 42 - LTA, EA/PA
Together 24 years
DD13 - the love of my life
DDay#1 11/10/2012
DDay#4 4/5/2013 (NC broken AGAIN)
A supposedly over 6/14/2013

All my posts are edited - I hate typos. :)


Posts: 129 | Registered: Nov 2012
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 8:12 AM, November 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Morning DH, you are going to be fine. You got this. Take it one minute, hour, day at a time.


You're all absolutely correct. It's time to take off the blinders and give up hope. Hope is causing me pain.
Having been exactly where you are right now I completely understand this statement. Please know that it gets better. I urge you not to run from the feelings you are having right now. I can't remember if you are in IC but if you aren't now is when I started up again. I went back to counseling by myself and the first words out of my mouth were "my marriage is over." I spent the next few months working through what I consider me facing the reality that my M is over and how to focus on moving forward. I had no idea how to do that but IC helped. I did a hard 180 and completely ignored my WW. I stopped calling her, I stopped talking to her in the house unless it involved the kids, and I tried to do something for me each day.

Some of the emotions I went through initially were anger, sadness, and fear. All of this stemmed from me sitting with my emotions and actually understanding and realizing that my M was in fact over. I couldn't run from the fact that my M was over. Nothing I did was going to save it. I had to face it or I would continue to be hurt over and over again. I don't know exactly when but at some point I let it go. I let go of the outcome and accepted that my life to this point is what it is. I accepted that my M was over and I needed to focus on whatever the next chapter in my life was going to be and how it would look. I filed for D and I posted in the S/D forum for the first time and started reading there. I felt nervous but I felt ok for the first time in a long time. I felt calm. I still had a logn way to go but I was headed in my own direction. The 180 was key to all of this because it allowed me to detach and remove myself emotionally from the situation.


WH is being very sweet, offering to make me food when I got home last night, complimenting me on my appearance but concerned I'd be too cold this morning, et cetera. But not one f'n word about that email. Nothing.

^^^180ing and detaching let's you see stuff like this for exactly what it is, manipulation and crazy making behavior. Once he sees being overly nice won't get a reaction out of you he will shift to evil asshole. The more strength you gain the more erattic his behavior and emotions will become as he realizes his manipulation tactics aren't working. He either will continue to lie to yrou face or he will just be open about the A. Either way ALWAYS keep your composure and see him for what he is, a manipulator. Post here or in S/D if you want to get an understanding of his actions. Believe once you are truly done he will turn the page in the WS script and the S/D gang can tell you exactly what will happen and how to deal with it. Most importantly though NC unless it's kids and finances and take back control of your life on your terms.

"I believe in me. I am no longer afraid. I can cope regardless of the outcome. I know something I am not talking about, I have had my day of sorrow and I am through crying. God and I can handle whatever life puts in my path
What NJGal wrote really does apply to you and many of us. For me it meant all the energy I put into the M and trying to make it work was now and forever more reserved for me, myself, and I. I focused on me completely and left my WW behind. Opening the cage door applies to both spouses. A BS can be in the cage as well. Just open the door and walk out and move on. If your WS wants to remain in the cage "Stuck" in his own misery then let him stay there. The door was open for him as well he just chooses not to walk out of it and that's okay. Just make sure you don't stay stuck in there with him. I wish you the best, you won't be a zombie for long. Those of us with unremorseful WS's can only take the emotional beatings over the head for so long before we become numb. I belive you are reaching the point of numbness. Anger isn't far behind. Use it to take the steps you need and move forward for you and your daughter. You have tons of support here and we are all pulling for you. Keep posting it helps.

ETA: I have found that hope doesn't really die, it feels like it's dying but it's actually changing. Your hope in your M being restored does fade and it feels like all is lost but over time you realize hope is still there it just morphed into your hopes for your future. Just as the embers of hope for our M take forever to go out, it sometimes takes us awhile to realize that the hope for our future is actually there as well. You let one form die down and then fan it slowly over time into something new for your future without your unremorseful WS.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 8:17 AM, November 19th (Tuesday)]


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
STBXWW = Her
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Separated 6/2013, D official around 6/2014

Posts: 1559 | Registered: May 2011
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 9:45 AM, November 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Decimated))

I agree with what everyone has said to you.

Once he sees being overly nice won't get a reaction out of you he will shift to evil asshole. The more strength you gain the more erratic his behavior and emotions will become as he realizes his manipulation tactics aren't working

Yup. Absolutely. Just keep the blinders off & this will cause you less distress.

If you are struggling with letting him go because you believe "he" is really in there somewhere, just remind yourself that who he is right now is not good for you right now.

And he's given you no reason to think that's going to change. Ever.

Time will tell who he is. If "he's really in there" somewhere, let him work his issues out then circle back when he's rehabilitated himself.

((Decimated))


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 12:40 PM, November 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DH: I'm so sorry. I really know how much pain you are going through. We are here for you and keep posting as much as you can to get the support you need. Keep the blinders off and see what is really going on. It will give you strength. Make decisions for you and you alone. He is making decisions for him alone and has been for a very long time. {{{DH}}


Once he sees being overly nice won't get a reaction out of you he will shift to evil asshole. The more strength you gain the more erratic his behavior and emotions will become as he realizes his manipulation tactics aren't working

7yrs: I LOVE your post!! I am going to copy and paste it in my file to read again and again!! It was really helpful.
When I read the above quote from you, it really helped me to clarify what I've been so afraid of and what has me paralyzed. I'm dealing with a NPD and the shift to evil asshole will be beyond the bell curve of "normal" assholery. (new word?)

I've been through a D before, and I know how difficult it will be with a "normal" person.

I've absolutely lost myself and wasn't even trying to find me again. IC pointed out that I have to put my time and effort into me and moving forward, even baby steps will help.

It's like the time when a group of people, including xWH#1 and myself were climbing a hard trail up a small mountain when I was 30. We were at the bottom of a small rock face and I turned around and saw how high up we. I am NOT afraid of heights, but I was suddenly paralyzed. I shrank against the wall of rock and couldn't move. xWH#1 just quietly said, "Honest, turn around and look at the wall" which I did. Then he said, "see that ledge there? Reach your hand up for it and climb..." After a few more instructions, I was ok and in a little while I was at a steadier ridge and was no longer even a bit afraid. When I reached the top, I was able to look out at the beautiful scenery and enjoy the breathtaking view with no fear at all, but a sense of wonder, accomplishment and enjoyment.

We can't climb the mountain in one step. There are pitfalls along the way. Sometimes we do need support and encouragement and guidance. Ironically, it is at those times that we have to trust and let go for a minute and let those friends we trust to help guide us and support us. We still always have the choice and we are still in charge when we let others help.
Thank you all for being there for each other. To offer support and guidance when the emotions and circumstances paralyze us and fill us with fear and hopelessness.

I've been stuck on this ledge and in a strange way it had become familiar, even though scary. I need to focus on that next handhold, not the top, but just the next step as so many of you have encouraged me to do.

DH: You are an inspiration for me. You have reached for the next step... you got a job. Now focus on the next one....focus on you and don't expend any more energy on HIM. He is going to try to distract you with the outward appearance of being nice. A kind, wonderful friend said to me the other day, it's like a tree that is not strong, does not have strong roots and piling on beautiful decorations doesn't help when he not nourishing the roots and actually his actions are destroying the roots and pouring toxicity in them.

Allgood: I hope you are feeling better. {{{{Allgood)))


Posts: 1897 | Registered: Jan 2010
DecimatedHeart
♀ Member
Member # 37657
Default  Posted: 5:23 PM, November 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WH just walked in on me crying and has the nerve to run his fingers through my hair and ask me what is wrong! Well, let me see, Jackass... you STILL haven't told me what the hell is going on with that email, you're making jokes and talking about Thanksgiving and decorating for Christmas and I'm falling apart at the seams, threw up this morning... again... and have to endure one of the songs from your OW playlist on the new Musak rotation at work. FML. There isn't enough fancy coffee in the world to make up for this brain-fuck.

You guys are awesome. (((tribe)))

[This message edited by DecimatedHeart at 5:23 PM, November 19th (Tuesday)]


Me, BS 41
Him WH 42 - LTA, EA/PA
Together 24 years
DD13 - the love of my life
DDay#1 11/10/2012
DDay#4 4/5/2013 (NC broken AGAIN)
A supposedly over 6/14/2013

All my posts are edited - I hate typos. :)


Posts: 129 | Registered: Nov 2012
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 6:10 PM, November 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((dh)))

this is where you really need to do a hard 180.....you need to tell the idiot to keep his distance and his hands to himself....

this is where you tell him for THE LAST TIME.....this is what i need....honesty transparency...no secrets...come clean and stay clean....until you are ready to tell me EVERY MOTHER FUCKIN THING THERE IS TELL ME...STAY AWAY FROM ME....unless we have to discuss something important like our daughter we no longer have anything to discuss...PERIOD...


and then dh you must stick to it...its the only way and i am so so sorry.....i know how much you want your family to be just that....well you will still be family, but in a very different way...your sanity and soul i believe depend upon it...


i am reminded of what honest always says that ats says...

"you can't nice yourself back into marriage"...and in this case it pertains to your ws who has no clue about how to be accountable...


(((dh)))

and make some plans for yourself...go out with some friends...do a breakfast, a brunch....i don't think your ready for some nitelife yet...but def some daytime stuff...shoppin....spa day....and use his money to do so...


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
MC_Jack
♂ Member
Member # 35016
Default  Posted: 7:07 PM, November 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DH, you tell him what is wrong....just what you said above....even if its for the 100th time....


I am not a marriage counselor. I chose "MC Jack" in the spirit of a handle like "MC Hammer" or Young MC"...there is a lot of 'rapping' here, no? At the time I did not know what MC stood for on this site. Duh.

Posts: 788 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: West Coast of Hopa-hopa-land
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