Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: steve2020 (43223)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affairs - Part 33
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 8:33 PM, November 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WH just walked in on me crying and has the nerve to run his fingers through my hair and ask me what is wrong!

Yup. Been there myself.

My WS would do this too -and I'm talking the same as you - when my crying was in response to something very obvious- but I believed it was just his awkward way of starting the conversation with me.

In your case however, this has been going on for days & he very well knows what you want him to do. Unfortunately, it appears he is waiting for you to get over it & you are waiting for him to "get it" and I think both of you are going to be disappointed.


And MCJack:

DH, you tell him what is wrong....just what you said above....even if its for the 100th time....

He knows damn well what is wrong. This is not a lack of communication issue. It's him checking to see if she is really seriously still upset about it.

((DH))

[This message edited by Allgoodnamesgone at 8:55 PM, November 19th (Tuesday)]


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
PositiveAttitude
♀ Member
Member # 40624
Default  Posted: 9:54 PM, November 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi everyone. It's been a few weeks - I had to take a break from SI because I was triggering horribly from just reading, and with WH still fence sitting and me refusing to leave I felt like seeking support in posts was like setting myself afire in the winter and then asking people since it was cold to not throw water on me to douse the fire but instead to just help me fan the flames so I could stay warm no matter how badly the fire hurt.

WH never ended his affair nor did he ever go NC all the times he told me he did. In May he took it further underground. In June he was full-fledged leaving me for OW. In July he was fence sitting. In August he was just flat out lying to both of us again. He did end things with her in late August after he had spent the weekend with her the weekend before when he moved us to the East Coast to be with him.

September he was in full fledged withdrawal and couldn't resist his drug of choice - although I didn't find out about it until October. He crawled all over himself to get her back - even going so far as to lie to me and use ME to try and get her back. OMG, I feel so duped by that one. But he basically told me that he told her we were through because he wanted to see if she would take him back or see if I was right about it just being a game to her now. So he convinced me to send her a message that we were through, etc. I sort of saw through it for what it was, but I also wanted to get my own little digs in too - which I did.

She told me she was through with him, etc. etc. apologized for the "hurt" she caused me she was a victim too, etc. etc. etc.

He had lunch with her in October first time he had seen her since August - three days after we had the biggest fight of our marriage as he was accusing me for not letting him go, that she was awesome, at one point it escalated to him telling me he hoped something happened to me so that the two of them could raise MY baby girls together!! and some other affair jazz that I'm sure plenty of BS have heard from love addicted waywards. He told me he wanted to work on us. After he had lunch with her and got home from traveling(after a heated text message exchange in which he just stopped responding because he basically spent the rest of the 8 hour drive home crying - yes I was harsh, but I only stated the truth) I handed him my line in the sand letter. Within minutes he loved me, didn't want her, etc. etc. etc.

He really started changing at that point. Not so protective of his phone, opening up more to me. Then last week I find evidence that the week before (first week of November) he was STILL in contact with her. I calmly sent him a text message that I was through with the lies and I wanted a divorce. He was home within minutes telling me he had already ended it with her and all the rest. Opening his phone to me, his email. Sending me flowers. Falling over himself to reassure me. Giving me details of the affair that I never had before. All the responses that I needed on DDay that I didn't get. All the actions that would have meant a tremendous amount to me the last seven months but now just seem hollow and flat. He told me that the last month that he had been in communication with her made him feel as guilty as their relationship did in the beginning and like he was once again cheating on me - he didn't always feel that way as he had learned impressive ways to justify his affair.

I'm not even sure what I want any more. I'll stay in my marriage because my baby girls are happy and know nothing of the horrible acts of betrayal that their father perpetuated against his whole family.

But it feels that after the last seven months of hell there is nothing he can do that I will trust. I trusted him completely on DDay and in the aftermath that the affair was over, etc. Now he's blown all that away when it finally appears that he's gotten a clue and is trying his best to make amends. I'm ANGRY that he wasted all my time and energy for the last six months by lying to me repeatedly and still stringing along OW.

I'm sad that all the effort I put into our relationship the last six months feels like it was wasted (although I do feel like I'm proof that you can love someone back into the marriage - although I still need to dissect what I feel his weakness and motives were for allowing me to do that).

I just feel flat right now. I want my marriage to survive, but he's finally broken all my trust and I don't know how to start working to trust him again. I'm even an OC myself, my mother was my father's mistress for 30 YEARS before his wife passed away and they finally married!

Sometimes I wish it had just been ONSs or a series of meaningless flings. I'm having a hard time with the fact that he had a 2.5 year affair with one particular OW to whom he allowed himself to develop feelings and an emotional bond.

Not to mention I'm scratching my head at OW (who was also married at the time their affair began) who is furious with him for lying to her (granted he lied profusely - even down to the "my wife has cancer" routine - OMG still want to over THAT one!) , leading her on, and her proclaiming that he's lost the best thing that ever happened to him. Yap, yap, yap. She seems to think that HER pain is greater than the crap she helped him heap on our children, our families, and I.

[This message edited by PositiveAttitude at 10:09 PM, November 19th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 153 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From:
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:25 PM, November 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((pa)))

wow, just wow....i am always amazed at how much we accept, at how much we take in, how much we fight....and most of our ws.....just the opposite...and the irony is of course....we didn't do wrong, the ws did, we shouldn't have to be the ones to fight...and fight alone...if only we could react with logic as opposed to reacting with emotion....if only we could act upon logic as opposed to acting upon emotion...

most of us would have called it quits so early on in our struggles with our ws....

why don't we! why do we fight so hard ALONE, why are we wiling to accept so much less then we deserve, why are we willing to put up with so much bullshit...why did we put up with the bullshit even before d-day...

i don't know....is it really love.....or is it fear.....i know i for one accepted a ton of shit treatment before d-day....even though i put up a fight...i accepted it....it was either accept the bullshit or leave the marriage...and at one point in time i actually thought long and hard about doin just that...it was just after pfm raped me....but my kids were little and, i had horrid evil inlaws and i was afraid....i didn't trust pfm and his family when it would come to visitation...i would not be able to protect my kids.....and then of course i still loved the idiot...so i rationalized staying in the marriage....

why do we do that....why do we settle for so much less....

well, i for one will never settle again, i for one will never put myself in that position again....if i can't be a priority....well then i guess i would have to make him an option....but an unlikely option....i wish i could remember that quote or enough of the quote for google about people making "me" (us) an option....


anyways....pa....and dh......i am so so sorry you are married to such dickheads.....and dickheads they are....


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
PositiveAttitude
♀ Member
Member # 40624
Default  Posted: 10:42 PM, November 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is the quote you are referring to "Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option"??

I've seen it attributed to everyone from Mark Twain to Maya Angelou on Facebook, but I always thought it was something than an overly too wise teenager thought up! ;-)

My WH is quite the charmer - always supportive of me (until June when he wasn't), always devoted to me (well, you know on the surface because he was after all having an affair). Always building me up, always pushing me to greatness. But of course he was exhausting himself by supporting two women so whole-heartedly.

My WH is so much like my wayward father, but I am NOTHING like my mother. Of course she allowed herself to be a mistress for 30 years where as I've only known I was sharing my husband in a LTA for about 7 months. I knew he was cheating I was just convinced it was meaningless flings. Obviously my FOO groomed me for accepting cheating men as a way of life.

I also struggle with a WH who travels extensively - that is what is causing me to ruminate over the situation tonight. That along with a bad day at work and a slew of hormones sending me my monthly reminder that I am indeed a woman. Ugh.


Posts: 153 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From:
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 11:05 PM, November 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

yes pa thats the quote....and its an awesome quote....and whoever said it, was using logic and not emotion,,,,

so now you are faced with your decision....do you opt to make him your priority...do you opt to make your marriage work or do you opt to just not divorce....or at least just not divorce just yet.....

i do not regret my decision to stay within my marriage way back when nor after d-day...i did what i felt was right for me....living with an in house separation is rough...and i have a remorseful ws...he was just never remorseful enough to stop lying....anyways....its hard....especially when i had so much anger towards him...i still have alot of anger...but i no longer emotionally tied to him...and THAT is huge towards peace...

the 180 was pivotal for me....it was what i needed to do to get me there....and that was not easy with pfm constantly up my ass.....watching me, searching my stuff, his never ending pleas, his never ending professions of being a "changed" man....while he was still lying of course...and not just about ow but about pretty much anything....still infuriates me when he lies....but i step back and process.....i have gotten so much better at it...i also no longer have any expectations of him...as a matter of fact i try to always expect the worst....it easier...


pa ...you and dh both need to detach, need to do some hard 180.....and don't leave si pa.....just streamline which forums you read and post.....the support system here can be invaluable not to mention we "see" what you cannot


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
PositiveAttitude
♀ Member
Member # 40624
Default  Posted: 11:17 PM, November 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think right now I just opt to face each day as it comes with no plan in place with regard to the longevity of my marriage. I am a firm believe in for better or worse til death do us part (expect for my first marriage - but I got kind of tired of being hit by my XH).

I know when all is said and done I want to save my marriage, it's just the continuing onslaught of pain that I'm tired of. Every single time I start to show the slightest sign internally of being able to trust him again - I find that I shouldn't trust him because yet again he's lying.

I just read your story on your profile. Your story reminds me of my father's wife - that poor woman put up with him for years. She had her own issues, granted, but I struggle with a 2.5/3 year affair, and my heart absolutely breaks for women in situations akin to yours.

I recently found out that my father cheated on my mother as well. My mother thought that except for his wife (who knew about her all along) that my father wasn't involved with anyone else. She found out about 6 years before he passed (so 9 years now) that she wasn't his last girlfriend. I LOVE my father with every inch of my heart, but from my side of the situation now I don't understand that man I thought he was.

My only consolation is that had my Daddy lived to see the grief and torment that I went through he would have been horrified with himself (even moreso than he was). Knowing my Daddy he would have somehow felt he was to blame for what happened to me - much as my mother felt that she was - sins of the father and all. Told you my FOO had issues.


Posts: 153 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From:
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 11:29 PM, November 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

pa: i too took my vows very seriously....our vows also include fidelity though don't they....so basically you are keeping your vows when he is not....

and you know there isn't anything wrong with divorce, not like years and years ago....its become quite the norm....

and you cannot make your marriage work alone....i understand what it is to take it one day at a time..hell i remember all to well when i had to take it minute by minute....you take the time you need to put you back together....you take the time you need to digest it all, you take the time you need before you make a plan for your future....but make no mistake...at some point in time....if you want to be happy....or at the very least at peace within....you will have to make a decision....and when the time comes that you make a decision....look out for yourself, because no one else will.....a keep in mind "his" limitations
as well as your own....

the beautiful thing about history...we get to write our own, we get to change our futures, we get to decide what we want in our futures....i would hope you do not condemn yourself to lifetime of catching him


and we all have foo issues...its how we choose to deal with them, its how we choose to catalogue them in the recesses of our minds...it also how we choose to perceive them then and now....


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 7:46 AM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi PA, and welcome back. I can understand why your WH is vacillating. If your view of love is a selfish desire for attention and affirmation, it must be wondrous to have two women both expressing so much desire, to be fought over. Even your anger at his waywardness he can see as a result of your desire for him. Women fighting over me, competing for me, is not a mindset I would ever be comfortable with, but I know that FWW at one time was very proud that she had 3 OM vying for her attention.

I think right now I just opt to face each day as it comes with no plan in place with regard to the longevity of my marriage.

This is a good place to be, and where I have been for a year now. A year ago I was planning to D. While I have set my M off to the side, I have been very happy with the results of my efforts in my professional life, my relationship with my parents and DSs, and getting back to my hobbies. I am fortunate that my FWW has been NC with her OM since the day after dday, and NC with her wayward behavior for the last 3 years. This creates a sense of safety for me to focus on what I want for me and my DSs.

I too was/am a believer in vows; I was never good at just mouthing the words. However, I believe that in the aftermath of dday I can honor my vow to Love FWW and be faithful to her “for so long as we both shall live” and still D if that is where I eventually end up. Being faithful to me means not doing what FWW, your WH, and so many others did, but ending the relationship first. As for love, except for some periods after dday, I have always loved FWW and I suspect I always will.

I understand that it is difficult to know how to save a M with a partner who lies and will not commit to you with fidelity and love. I struggle the same enduring a M with a person who wants to maintain barriers against physical and emotional intimacy.

…there is nothing he can do that I will trust.

I know for me, and I believe Tryn and others, we do not really trust our FWS as we did before dday. We trust that we are currently safe and not being betrayed, but we do not trust for fidelity forever after. Instead, we believe (hope) that we are girded and better prepared should infidelity ever occur again. Post dday infidelity will always be a conceptual option in our M whereas prior to dday it was an impossibility.

…he's gotten a clue and is trying his best to make amends.

There are no amends possible in my opinion. All that is possible is for the WS to stop the wayward activity so that it is safe for the BS to stay in the M relationship while accepting and healing from the betrayal. During this time, if the WS becomes transparent, honest, and forth-coming there is a much greater likelihood the BS can heal without building a thick scar or callus over their feelings for the WS. In place of amends, the fWS must make and sustain new behaviors that are not wayward. Proper relationship boundaries must be established and enforced. Miss-perceptions in the relationship must be re-examined. FOO and personality flaws must be identified, owned, and new behaviors and perceptions learned and practiced.

This is how the FWS makes amends; owning their responsibility for the A, describing why the A occurred and what its purpose was in the WS’s life in a way the WS and BS both believe. Learning and practicing new behaviors, emotional responses, and communications skills to replace the lacking and faulty behaviors, responses, and skill prior to dday. When the WS has sustained these “amends” and the BS has accepted the betrayal as a part of the M and healed from the emotional pain of the betrayal, then the couple is ready to accept each other as full participants in the M and to work together to strengthen the M. To become a couple who defend the M and support each other together.

btw, FWW and I are not at this place, and I never expect us to arrive there. We have a relationship, but I do not consider us emotionally to have a M relationship.

--Ats

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 7:52 AM, November 20th (Wednesday)]


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
DecimatedHeart
♀ Member
Member # 37657
Default  Posted: 7:55 AM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Although I agree with Allgood - he knew exactly what was wrong - I asked him again last night. He got angry, refused to talk about it right before bed, made a big show of laying down, then getting back up and reading the news on his iPod, angrily saying he was 'wide awake now!' but when I said, good, me too, then let's talk about this - he said no and laid back down.

When I woke up this morning, he actually got angry at me for being awake! Said he was going to go in early this morning but didn't, stayed to take DD to school so I could sleep in since he knew I didn't sleep well, and now I'm awake, so what was the point?! So I did something wrong by waking up.

I see it for what it was - deflection. It was a preemptive measure so I didn't ask again.

So I asked him in an IM when he got to work. After telling me how selfish I was for bringing it up while he's at work and behind and being told yesterday he's never going to get a promotion if he doesn't get his act together and get caught up on stuff he's behind on, and this is all my fault because I asked him to take DD to the doctor yesterday after she'd been home for two days. I thought she had strep, turned out it was just a bad cold. And that was my fault too. He took 4 hours off for nothing. Oh, and he's taking work people out to dinner again tonight. I told him that I sympathize with him about work, but can he please put himself in my shoes? It's been 5 days of hell.

He finally tells me what it was. She was fishing. Her dog died, she missed him, wondered how he was doing, and "some other shit", that she didn't really expect a response but wanted him to know she was thinking of him. He claims he deleted it without replying.

I asked him if he would send her a no contact letter from us, since she clearly has no boundaries and was fishing, hoping he would take the bait and reply. I haven't gotten a response.

I want to email her and tell her to back the fuck off. I want to tell her BS what is going on. I want to go to her office and give her a piece of my mind. But mostly, I want my WH to do the right thing, and I know he won't. He's not blaming her for writing the email. He's blaming me for being upset about it and not letting it drop. Says he's frustrated with me because 'here we are talking about the same old shit.' But this is not 'old shit.' This is most definitely NEW shit.

Where do I go from here?


Me, BS 41
Him WH 42 - LTA, EA/PA
Together 24 years
DD13 - the love of my life
DDay#1 11/10/2012
DDay#4 4/5/2013 (NC broken AGAIN)
A supposedly over 6/14/2013

All my posts are edited - I hate typos. :)


Posts: 129 | Registered: Nov 2012
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 7:57 AM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Glad you are doing okay positiveattitude.

I'm sad that all the effort I put into our relationship the last six months feels like it was wasted (although I do feel like I'm proof that you can love someone back into the marriage - although I still need to dissect what I feel his weakness and motives were for allowing me to do that).

I feel like the glass empty guy around here. I am not being negative and I am not disputing your claim of loving him back I just want to give you a different perspective. Just want to point out that while you were in fact still loving your WH it's possible that your love and committment to fight for him and your M wasn't truly what brought him back. It wasn't necessarily his love for you that brought him back either. I believe it was HIS FEAR and belief that you are/were actually going to file for D and leave him that brought him back. He believed you were GONE and is now doing what you asked. Either way he is back and giving you what you asked for. I just hope he keeps doing the work to earn your trust and respect again. I also hope he digs very deep into why he did what he did and why he made the decisions he made.

I wish you both the best. PLEASE, PLEASE, be careful. Your WH may in fact be sincere in his return to the M but he still has to do the work to make himself safe for you and your family. If his actions are showing you this, great. I just truly hope he is up to the monumental task of earning your trust and love again. Do what's best for you and your family of course but put all of the weight on him to fix things. You have carried it since DDay so see if he can carry the load or if he will cave. In the meantime focus on you and your children. Do what you need to get better yourself and start living your life and see if your WH will keep going in the same direction while you focus on you. There may be some time on the "lethal plain of flatness" in your future or perhaps it's indifference. Some of us get there on our own when the WS keeps doing stupid really well. Either way spend your time enjoying your life again with your children doing what you want to do whether that is with your WH or without.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 8:24 AM, November 20th (Wednesday)]


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
STBXWW = Her
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Separated 6/2013, D official around 6/2014

Posts: 1583 | Registered: May 2011
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 8:22 AM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DecimatedHeart, it sucks but you are going to be fine.

He finally tells me what it was. She was fishing. Her dog died, she missed him, wondered how he was doing, and "some other shit", that she didn't really expect a response but wanted him to know she was thinking of him. He claims he deleted it without replying.
This is "likely" a lie, actually, it's a lie. Which is why he will be reluctant if not flat out against sending a NC email. Her dog died was the part he came up with the part about fishing...brace yourself...he got that from you and waited a few days before parroting it back when he thought you wouldn't remember. He likely did it without even thinking. Your WH is thinking I got busted what will I say, then he remembered your discussion.

You typed this a few days ago. You actually gave him the response that he gave back to you.

I try to explain to him that even if I believe him that he hasn't been in contact with her, then she is obviously fishing to see if he'll take the bait and reply, and I have a right to be upset.

There is no official handbook but you will find this in the Unremorseful WS handbook page 85 under Gaslighting 101 along with a side of guilt trip and blameshifting. If he was truly NC with her, remorseful, and NOT still in the A he would have showed you the email immediately. Even if he was still foggy the deleted email could be recovered in most systems. Also if it was just fishing why delete it completely. DH this reeks of he's still in the A.


Where do I go from here?
Step one shut down the A. You know how you do that, you tell her BH. Don't tell your WH that you are doing it. If you have contact info for her Bh then send it to him via facebook, letter, email, text, whatever method you have. Two sets of eyes watching are better than one set or no sets at all. Then you stop allowing your WH's blameshifting to bother you. You do that by 180ing and detaching no matter how much it hurts to do it. The ONLY way this stops is by you taking control of your life again and standing up for you and your daughter. You don't have to confront him, yell at him, or fight him. You do the 180 for you and you go and ignore him completely. Assume he is still actively involved in the A and the stupidity he does won't hurt as much and eventually won't hurt at all. Eventually you reach indifference. Yes it sucks, yes it will be hard but the alternative is to stay stuck in a position where he is constantly hurting you with his actions.

The quickest way to see if he is all in or not is to expose the A completely to everyone involved and then file for D. You may not be ready for that and that is fine. Do things in YOUR own time but don't rely on him for support or understanding. He isn't going to provide that for you. Build yourself back up to the point where you make the decisions you want to make. I wish you the best. Take what applies from my post and leave the rest. Keep posting and take care of yourself. Get that plan going again and when the anger hits use it in a constructive manner to make the moves you want to make.


[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 8:31 AM, November 20th (Wednesday)]


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
STBXWW = Her
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Separated 6/2013, D official around 6/2014

Posts: 1583 | Registered: May 2011
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 8:30 AM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

G' Morning DH,

...but can he please put himself in my shoes?

I suspect that he can not, and not just because his size 11's won't fit your petite heels. It is my experience with FWW and other WSs I read on SI that empathy is often a missing or weak ability in the WS.

I (1) asked him if he would send her a no contact letter...<snip>... (2) I want to email her and tell her to back the fuck off. (3) I want to tell her BS what is going on.<snip> But mostly, (4) I want my WH to do the right thing,
numbering added

Of the 3 things you post wanting to do, only one of them (#3) is one you can actually do anything about. The action #3 you can actual do. the others are things that you want other people to do, but they are not going to do these things unless they want to.

Your WS is not going to send a NC letter or "do the right thing" until he puts your feelings and repairing the M ahead of his feelings and desires. OW is not going to back the fuck off so long as the positive she gets from the A (attention, a sense of winning over you, sex from a man not her H) outweighs the negatives. BTW, action #3 telling her BS might shift the balance in that equation for OW.

I asked him again last night. <snip> I said, good, me too, then let's talk about this - <snip> ... I woke up this morning, ... <snip> So I asked him in an IM when he got to work. <snip> I asked him if he would send her a no contact letter from us, ...

I am a firm believer that you cannot love your spouse back into the M. I am also a believer that you cannot nag your WS back into the M or into not being a WS. I understand the desire and drive to try to establish some control, that it is so obvious what needs to be done why can't the WS see that too. The thing is, he is not going to be available as a M partner and to work on R until he wants to stop his A, address his issue(s), love you, and work with you to strengthen the M. Your WH is nowhere near wanting to end his A, address his issues, and love you.

Healing for the BS begins when we let go of attempts to control and direct our WS and focus on where we are and where we want to be. What do you want (regardless of what your WH is or is not doing) your life to look like in the coming new year? Next year? Three years from now? What can you do this week to take steps towards those goals?

Your WH is getting a lot of attention and affirmation right now. You and OW are both demonstrating to him how much he is wanted and desired. Why would he give this up? Why would he give up attention of you and OW, just for your attention, especially when he knows how badly he has treated you and that he will eventually have to deal with that shame and guilt?

Where do I go from here?

Talk to him only when necessary about the finances, children, and household administration. Try not to say things that are cutting or mean-spirited. Build your life around your DD and friends. Work to expand your social network. Work to save and shore-up finances for any future needs. Re-visit who you used to be before you were Ms DH and Mom. Exercise. Focus on your feelings and process through your feelings, get to acceptance and work towards healing. Let your WH show you, and himself, who he is when he is not simply reacting to you.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
DecimatedHeart
♀ Member
Member # 37657
Default  Posted: 8:34 AM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

7yrs - He didn't actually say she was fishing. He started with 'Her dog died...'. I was extrapolating that she was fishing. Sorry if I wasn't clear.

As for the rest... WH told me a year ago that it would be a dealbreaker for him if I told OW's BH. That he would "cut me off financially, take me off his health insurance, and make my life a living hell" if I did. We actually had a semi-physical confrontation in his car because I was on my way to her house and he was trying to get the keys from me one of the previous times she had broken NC and I said I was sick of this and was going to put an end to it by telling her BH. Fear holds me back. Sometimes it's fear of losing him completely and permanently. I still hold the tiniest ember of hope that we can work this out. Sometimes it's fear of his threats coming to fruition. I don't want DD to live in poverty because I made the wrong choice.


Me, BS 41
Him WH 42 - LTA, EA/PA
Together 24 years
DD13 - the love of my life
DDay#1 11/10/2012
DDay#4 4/5/2013 (NC broken AGAIN)
A supposedly over 6/14/2013

All my posts are edited - I hate typos. :)


Posts: 129 | Registered: Nov 2012
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 8:47 AM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry if I wasn't clear.
No problem, I still say it was a lie, her dog died, really is the best he could come up with.

As for the rest... WH told me a year ago that it would be a dealbreaker for him if I told OW's BH. That he would "cut me off financially, take me off his health insurance, and make my life a living hell" if I did.

But sleeping with a person other than your spouse isnt'a dealbreaker... Sorry your WH has his head WAAAYYY up his ass.

Gently, and I say this as kindly as possible, would you consider your life now a living hell? If the other BS doesn't know then the A is still going on for sure which is why you are getting the treatement you are getting from your WH. ATS worded it better than I could this morning but start focusing on you. Your WH is basically demanding that you allow him to cake eat via intimidation and threats. You are NOT helpless in this. Go right back to the plan you had before. You don't have to tell him what you are doing. Work your plan and make your new motto F.T.G or fuck that guy. Sorry I am pissed off for you. Get your ducks in a row and close the bakery.

I still believe you should tell the other BS but I don't know your financial ro medical situation so do what you need to do to prepare and then when you are ready and you remove his ability to threaten you expose him. Often the threats to expose are just that, threats that aren't carried out but I am not going to sit here and tell you to do something that may put you in an even worse position. What I will say is get your stuff straight, remove his ability to threaten you, then expose. Go see a L and ask the L if any of the threats your WH is asking are legit or not. Don't tell your WH you are going to see a L.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 8:49 AM, November 20th (Wednesday)]


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
STBXWW = Her
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Separated 6/2013, D official around 6/2014

Posts: 1583 | Registered: May 2011
DecimatedHeart
♀ Member
Member # 37657
Default  Posted: 8:50 AM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good morning ats,

I suspect that he can not, and not just because his size 11's won't fit your petite heels.

Thanks for the chuckle. I needed that.

I suspect you're right about all the attention he's getting. Even just now, when he didn't respond to my NC letter request, I followed up with "I love you. I don't want to fight." I got no response to that either, but he is in a meeting right now.

Gee, I feel pathetic reading what I just wrote. Why did I do that? I need to 180. Hard. I know I do. I am only half way to my financial goal, maybe a little less if I dip into that for Christmas shopping. It's taken me 5 months to get this far. I can't survive another 5 months like this. How the hell am I going to make Thanksgiving dinner for him and his family? I said that last year and I survived, but there was a lot of alcohol involved. How am I going to decorate for Christmas and put on a happy face? My head is spinning and I just want to curl up into a ball and cry but I can't. I have charity stuff to do this morning and work late tonight. I'm so sick of crying.

ETA - yes, 7, it is definitely a living hell right now. You are absolutely right in everything you said. I let this knock me down and a few steps back, but I don't have to stay there.

No problem, I still say it was a lie, her dog died, really is the best he could come up with.

After five days to come up with an excuse lol.

FTG FTG FTG FTG FTG

[This message edited by DecimatedHeart at 9:03 AM, November 20th (Wednesday)]


Me, BS 41
Him WH 42 - LTA, EA/PA
Together 24 years
DD13 - the love of my life
DDay#1 11/10/2012
DDay#4 4/5/2013 (NC broken AGAIN)
A supposedly over 6/14/2013

All my posts are edited - I hate typos. :)


Posts: 129 | Registered: Nov 2012
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 9:01 AM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel like the glass empty guy around here. I am not being negative and I am not disputing your claim of loving him back I just want to give you a different perspective. Just want to point out that while you were in fact still loving your WH it's possible that your love and committment to fight for him and your M wasn't truly what brought him back. It wasn't necessarily his love for you that brought him back either. I believe it was HIS FEAR and belief that you are/were actually going to file for D and leave him that brought him back. He believed you were GONE and is now doing what you asked.
This exactly, 7yrsflushed. Positive, you didn't "love" him back into the marriage, you just hung in there in spite of all his crappy behaviour. How can one "love" someone back into a marriage that they were already loved in? Did you ever stop loving your WS? How does one love a WS back into a marriage? By being "attractive" and "quality"? As most here know, I feel that is such a bunch of crap. One can not control another by your actions. Although one can certainly manipulate.
Please. No one ends an affair because they realize they're still in love.(with their spouse) They end an affair because they're scared. Scared of taking it to the next level, scared of being found out, scared of ruining their life. ~ Richard Castle from the TV show Castle
I have shared the Castle quote before in the LTA thread. I feel it holds true for my situation and many others, too.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 8988 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 9:30 AM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DH
I still believe you should tell the other BS but I don't know your financial ro medical situation so do what you need to do to prepare and then when you are ready and you remove his ability to threaten you expose him. Often the threats to expose are just that, threats that aren't carried out but I am not going to sit here and tell you to do something that may put you in an even worse position. What I will say is get your stuff straight, remove his ability to threaten you, then expose. Go see a L and ask the L if any of the threats your WH is asking are legit or not. Don't tell your WH you are going to see a L.
I was going to say something similar but 7yrs always says what I want to, so I'll just quote him and hope you read it again and really soak it in.

Most of the the time these are empty threats. Oftentimes part of the divorce includes keeping the ex-spouse on the insurance and of course any children. He doesn't get to keep all the marital assets. He will have to at the very least financially support your DD. Go to a lawyer, some give free consults, find out exactly what your rights are. You don't have to live in fear.

Him stating that telling the other BS would be a dealbreaker would have been a dealbreaker for me. He is making it abundantly clear that the OW is a higher priority than you. At this point, DH, I would gently urge you to tell the OBS. It has the potential of totally turning your marriage around in a positive way.

What I have seen here at SI play out time and time again in the situations that both DH and Positve are in is this. You tolerate the most awful behaviour. You try and try and try . You hope and hope and hope. You are treated like doormats. For whatever reasons, the WS decides he/she wants to finally commit to the marriage and the BS is indifferent. They just don't give a shit anymore. They don't even love the WS anymore. See, what was happening in all those months and years of the WS's crappy behaviour they were killing the BS's love. Little by little whatever could have been saved and salvaged is gone.

You can make the line in the sand now and have the potential to save your marriages, or you can drag the drama out and let it die a long and slow miserable death making sure you are in total misery the entire time, which is oftentimes years.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 8988 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 9:41 AM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How the hell am I going to make Thanksgiving dinner for him and his family?
Darling, there is no reason in the world you should feel like you have to carry on with this facade. Just because your WH is the consummate actor doesn't mean you should feel you have to join him on his stage.

Honestly, I would call his family today and tell them you will not be able to host them for Thanksgiving. You don't have to give an explanation, but if they press tell them you are feeling a high degree of stress and have been having anxiety attacks. Tell them now so they have time to make other plans. You don't even have to tell your WH you are cancelling. He seems fine with thinking one can make unilateral decisions in your marriage.

Please do not give into being a martyr. You owe yourself more than having to put on an act for Thanksgiving. ((((DH))))


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 8988 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 10:11 AM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DH - you are being far too kind to your WS. That he offers up an explanation days later is unacceptable. First, if it was as innocent as he says, wouldnt he have offered it up instantly? Second, he let you stew like this for days - this means he doesnt give a crap about what he put you through by failing to participate in the conversation. Once again, he & his needs are 1st.

Please dont buy into his bs.

What I have seen here at SI play out time and time again in the situations that both DH and Positve are in is this. You tolerate the most awful behaviour. You try and try and try . You hope and hope and hope. You are treated like doormats. For whatever reasons, the WS decides he/she wants to finally commit to the marriage and the BS is indifferent. They just don't give a shit anymore. They don't even love the WS anymore. See, what was happening in all those months and years of the WS's crappy behavior they were killing the BS's love. Little by little whatever could have been saved and salvaged is gone

Raising hand.

I wouldnt say I dont love WS, because I do still have feelings for him that I cant quite identify - more like having pleasant memories of our happier times & being nostalgic, but his current actions to R are falling flat at this late date.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:22 AM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((dh)))

ok....first off...you can order in for thanksgiving since i know you live with your inlaws....go to boston market or anyplace actually and order in

as for xmas shoppin..A HELL TO THE NO WILL YOU USE YOUR OWN MONEY...USE HIS....your money is just that...yours...and you will continue to save for your goal

as for telling the bh, as for him still maintaining contact....guess what ....it should no longer matter....let him go to her, let her have him....you are no longer in a reconcilliation sich here...there is no saving of what is clearly gone...i am so so sorry hon...i am so mad for you....wish i could put myself in your body just for 20 minutes and let loose on his ass....

HARD 180
HARD 180
HARD 180

for your own peace of mind detach from him immediately...no more contact for you....you need to go NC WITH HIM

he is not going to change, he is not going to stop he is not going to do right, he is not willing to what needs to be done and guess what...he really doesnt have to does he....you keep taking him back, you keep "listening" to his mouth running and you are so desparate to save your marriage you "listen" and "want" to believe....

do you want to know how he is lying...his lips are moving...

and he will up the anti each and every time...why...because he can...

you have a plan....add to that plan a HARD 180!!!


(((dh)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Topic Posts: 996
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48 · 49 · 50

Return to Forum: I Can Relate Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.