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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affairs - Part 33
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 8:43 PM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DH: I'm glad you decided with your daughter to make Thanksgiving dinner together for the both of you.

Keep making plans for the future. I know you feel trapped, I really, really do. You don't have to uproot your DD in the middle of the school year, but since HS is new to most kids, you could plan for the end of this school year to move.

I truly understand wanting to believe the facade that WH puts up, I fall for mine every time too. We have to give ourselves as much reality checks as possible, although it hurts like hell.

{{{DH}}


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 4:42 PM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Happy Thanksgiving to my family here on LTA. I am thankful for each and every one of you. You have given me so much to be thankful for.

I pray you have a wonderful and peaceful day tomorrow.

{{{{{{{Tribe}}}}}}


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
Birdy08
♀ New Member
Member # 40552
Default  Posted: 9:43 PM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First time posting on LTA. Was on the R forum and the kind members suggested I post here so here's my story: FWH comes to me on Easter and admits he never stopped seeing the gf he had when he met me 17 yrs ago and kept seeing her throughout our marriage 15 yrs ago, birth of children and it didn't end until 7 yrs ago when he ran out of money. My money to the tune of 90k! But he says he I was sick, knows he fkd up, is in intense IC and MC. Just wants to be the best husband and father a person can be. The irony is we always had a good marriage so I never saw this coming. I trusted him with my life, children, finances, etc. Seems it would be easier to D but I just do not want to destroy my family. We are strangely building a much better marriage but this is like a tattoo that I can't wash off. Now I feel like the hugest pain is the secret I must carry to the grave. It's almost like I feel I want to tell my family and friends because I cannot live with his secret any longer. I am so sad that this is my life and it truly feels like a nightmare I cannot wake up from. :(


me-BS-51
WH-54
DS20 & DD13
Married 15yrs/together 18yrs
11 yr LTA that began when we were dating
She never was told about me or our family
I found out 7yrs after it ended (when he had no more of my $ to give her)

Posts: 15 | Registered: Sep 2013
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 10:00 PM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Happy Thanksgiving Americans, catch up with you later Birdy and welcome.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:09 PM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

first and foremost:

HAPPY TURKEY DAY TRIBE!!! GOBBLE GOBBLE!!!

what am i thankful for:

for my si family, especially the lta tribe, my kids, my mom, my job and i am thankful that i will soon embark on the next leg of my journey.. ...and i am most thankful that i am beginning to feel joy again....granted i still have my moments because of livin with pfm....but in between i feel joy....and i am so so looking forward to my future...

so who is next..what are you thankful for?


birdy: welcome to our little corner of si.....there are many here who can relate....i for one....my wh was never faithful to me, he met ow#1 before me and was actually her om....and never stopped ...and then came #2, #3, #4....

anyways....i am so happy that you sound really together about it all.....you sound strong, you sound decisive, you know what you want and aren't afraid to reach out and grab it...not always easy to do...as a matter of fact, its not easy to do at all...

i wish i could say i "r" with my ws, but sadly no...we are living in an in house separation...and divorce is def in the near future...

there are many here on this forum, some have "r", some have "d", and some have just simply not divorced and are merely just existing....all of us have struggled with the whole overwhelming emotions that go along with the lta...most of us still struggle and some have moved past it....

as far as your "secret" is concerned....i think it might be helpful for you to put a twist on your perspective of it...instead of looking at it as a secret. look at it as a personal part of your very private life, like sex...i am sure you have not gone around telling people all the details of your sex life...then there is money....most people are generally private with their finances......so treat this information as that of a private category....

however.....and this is a biggy....you are most certainly allowed to share some of your personal info with a trusted friend or family member....in fact i highly recommend it....irl support is sometimes key in being able to move forward, even key in being able to function...

on this subject we also have a few here would and did shout it from the rooftops, some who told just a few and possibly some who told no one....although trying to remember who was in the latter category...and im really not sure...

oh and many of us had also been betrayed financially as well, so you are not alone there either...

the beauty and sadness of si, there is always someone else who has had some of your experiences...so you know you are never alone....it helps...and of course it makes me sad to know how many peeps have been hurt so so deeply

anyways...glad you found us, and so so sorry you are here...


dh + honest: keep posting....and hang in there....


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
MC_Jack
♂ Member
Member # 35016
Default  Posted: 10:12 PM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Birdy, I am a fan of full disclosure. You are only as sick as your secrets. Please tell your friends and family. There is no reason for you to carry this burden.

It is a positive that your H came clean on his own. I think one reason why things are 'better' is that your WH is now so much closer to being authentic and real. No more mask. No more hiding himself.

...and that's important for you to see, and why you should tell folks what is happening...you be authentic.


I never have understood the reluctance of BSs to tell close friends and family the simple TRUTH.


I am not a marriage counselor. I chose "MC Jack" in the spirit of a handle like "MC Hammer" or Young MC"...there is a lot of 'rapping' here, no? At the time I did not know what MC stood for on this site. Duh.

Posts: 792 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: West Coast of Hopa-hopa-land
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 11:39 PM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Birdy: Welcome to our little corner of SI. Like Miracle, my WH never stopped seeing what I thought was his "ex" gf until after we were M. She stopped it when she found out he married me.
I'm glad to see that your WH is in IC and MC. That is a wonderful start. As for your "secret", since your WH says the A stopped 7 years ago, and is in IC, I understand your reluctance to let everyone know. But, I agree with Miracle, you need support IRL. You should confide in a trusted friend or family member. You will be surprised at how much people will be supportive and understanding. Many people hide "secrets" too, and can be very empathetic. I would also suggest that you see an IC too for a while. This is a big burden and shock to you. A LTA is hard to deal with. There is a lot of "rewriting" the history and memory of what you thought was your M.

Please keep posting there are a lot of very wise and wonderful people here who can help.

[This message edited by honesttoafault at 11:40 PM, November 27th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 11:46 PM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok Tribe. I have a favor to ask
Many times a lot of you have recommended books that you thought were very helpful to read. My son bought me a "Nook" and I was wondering if you guys could list some of the most helpful books that you have read, so I have them all in one place?
Thanks so much!

NJgal: I'm reading "Love Must Be Tough". I understand DH's initial reaction to the religious overtones, but if one can get past that, it IS very good. Thank you for the recommendation!

Happy Thanksgiving to our wonderful family!


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 1:04 AM, November 28th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

honest,
Not Just Friends by Glass is the classic, but I believe I got more help from Sexual Detours by Hines. In your sich I highly recommend it.

sigh, I know FWW is trying, I just wish that she was succeeding more.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 7:50 AM, November 28th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((ats))) oh ats....yes she is trying...most of us here "see" the progress she has made...perhaps if you changed your expectations of her.....expectations without matching perceptions are where we hurt.....how we perceive sich is our reality.....having expectations is where we set ourselves up....there are times though i will admit where we have certain expectations...ie: i expect pfm will continue to make new "friends"....and even though i expect it....it still hurts when it happens....it reminds me of when my dad died...it was expected....it was actually long overdue according to the dr's...he was "expected" to die 7 years earlier then he did...and then the week he passed....he got terribly sick and we "knew" it was imminent....and then he passed....and you think you dealt with it....but it still hurts....all the unfinished business...it hurt, i felt completely blindsided by the hurt...i didn't "expect" it to hurt as much as it did....because i knew what was coming...knowing it and actually experiencing it though felt like 2 different enitities....but i will admit that having realistic expectations helps....almost like taking a xanax...it takes the edge off...

anyways....ats, mrs ats is who she is....not much change will happen at this point...as much as she wishes, as much as you wish and as much as she works on it....right now, she is who she is and prob wil ever be....for her it seems a struggle just to be who she has become...but a struggle she HAS taken on and continues to take on....

and maybe, just maybe it would help if the 2 of you planned more intimate events...and i don't mean sex....but events where you both have fun...whether its playing a board game, cooking dinner together, taking a walk in the park....try to find time to just enjoy being together doing something fun.....


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 7:54 AM, November 28th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ooh ooh ooh honest...there are some classics you can include

"one fish, two fish" by dr seuss
"see "dick" run"....by i have no clue...but everytime i heard that i always laughed and could you guess what i envisioned

then of course we have the ever lovin amelia bedelia and of course curious george....i love curious george....


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 9:47 AM, November 28th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lol Miracle!
No I need all my Tolkien books: Lord of the Rings, they Hobbit, and The Silmarillion which I have been reading years and years before they even thought about the movies!

Anyway, thanks Ats, I'll definitely get that book you recommemded . You are in my prayers.

I'll add my own recomendation: Codependent No More. I think a lot of BS's get into that mode after DDay


Happy Thanksgiving all!


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 12:53 PM, November 28th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Happy Thanksgiving to all of my SI friends.

I am thankful for all of you and thankful that SI exists to help so many.

Thanksgiving has always been my favorite holiday and I do feel that for all of us on SI it is so important to try to remember everything that we have to be grateful for.

That is one thing that kept me going during those days, months , years post d-day.
I reminded myself that even though things looked bleak-I did have much to be grateful for.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 1:09 PM, November 28th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Birdy- I am so sorry for your pain. You are dealing with so much. Please consider going to IC for yourself because you have so much that you need to process and contend with.
I could not have gotten to where I am today without IC. I had a very positive therapist that helped me on the emotional roller coaster that I was on for years after d-day.
My FWH had a 5 yr LTA but it did not end until he was discovered so I am certain that it could have continued for longer.
I think that LTA affair partners are a unique breed.
They do not allow themselves (in most cases) to get too involved. They like the very part time nature of the contact. It's like getting a hit of a drug etc. for a short time and then returning to their real life.

And if both affair partners agree to this arrangement it can go on for a very long time.

In the case of the men or women marrying someone else it says to me that they knew that there were many things lacking in the affair partner, that they were not 'marriage material' but...they had a role as a part time side dish.

The pain and shock that you are going through has to be epic. Going to IC is a way to have someone to talk to IRL.

I am one of those that did tell everyone about the infidelity and feel that it was helpful in my healing as well as helpful in creating a crisis for my FWH where he FINALLY had to face his demons and look at himself.
Before the affair he had been a functional alcoholic and had not been 100% invested in the marriage.
He used the alcohol as an escape and then added the LTA as another layer of escape.

D-day was hitting bottom for him.


honest asked for a book recommendation and I think it would be helpful for you as well:
Transcending Post Infidelity Stress Disorder by Dr. Ortman.
Finding out about any kind of infidelity is shocking and traumatic but the impact of a LTA like yours is truly something that can cause extreme trauma.
Ortman's book is geared for all betrayed spouses whether they reconcile or divorce. He feels that regardless of what the BS decides to do the trauma needs to be dealt with.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
MC_Jack
♂ Member
Member # 35016
Default  Posted: 1:17 PM, November 28th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

^^^njgal can always speak for me. Same experience, same conclusions. I'll say it again, she is like my female Yoda.

njgal has done everything right.

happy thanksgiving everyone!


I am not a marriage counselor. I chose "MC Jack" in the spirit of a handle like "MC Hammer" or Young MC"...there is a lot of 'rapping' here, no? At the time I did not know what MC stood for on this site. Duh.

Posts: 792 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: West Coast of Hopa-hopa-land
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 4:55 PM, November 28th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Book suggestions especially for honest-

'Living Through a Personal Crisis' by Anne Kaiser Stearns ( I like what she writes about being a triumphant survivor)

'The Journey from Abandonment to Healing: Turn the End of a Relationship Into the Beginning of a New Life' by Susan Anderson


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 6:43 AM, November 29th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

honesttoafault...

Books?
Oh my favorite is The 5 Languages of Love.

If you can live this one..
The Five Things We Cannot Change: And the Happiness We Find by Embracing Them. By David Richo


Birdy08

Now I feel like the hugest pain is the secret I must carry to the grave
.
That is a choice. You FEAR that choice. I don't.

Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 6:44 AM, November 29th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Happy Holidays all.

Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 7:20 AM, November 29th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Birdy - so sorry to hear everything you are going through.

Now I feel like the hugest pain is the secret I must carry to the grave. It's almost like I feel I want to tell my family and friends because I cannot live with his secret any longer

I totally understand how you feel.

And, Tryn - I don't think fear is the issue. In my case, it was a difficult decision not to "out" the WS, because without doing so, the BS won't have the support of friends/family and the BS behavior is otherwise hard to understand if people dont know what she/he is going through.

On the other hand, it you are trying to reconcile with your WS and there are children involved - I dont know that they ever need to know this. That someone has caused the other the pain of betrayal, is not normally forgotten or forgiven quickly - I dont think children need to know this if it can be prevented and as far as friends/family - their relationship with the WS will be affected by this knowledge. And it will affect the BS as well.

ON DDay - I told one friend and later told 1 relative. Swore them to secrecy as this is the kind of thing that gets spread fast & could get back to my kids.

Some things are just private. Just like friends and family shouldnt know much about your sex life - they dont need to know about the affair either.

To me, it was just logic - you need to balance what you might gain from the revelation (emotional support & possibly shaking WS out of the fog) and what you stand to lose (relationships that are important to you being damaged or negatively affected by the revelation.)

Hope all enjoyed their Thanksgiving celebrations.

[This message edited by Allgoodnamesgone at 7:22 AM, November 29th (Friday)]


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
MC_Jack
♂ Member
Member # 35016
Default  Posted: 11:37 AM, November 29th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A rare double post blunder...whopps...

[This message edited by MC_Jack at 11:46 AM, November 29th (Friday)]


I am not a marriage counselor. I chose "MC Jack" in the spirit of a handle like "MC Hammer" or Young MC"...there is a lot of 'rapping' here, no? At the time I did not know what MC stood for on this site. Duh.

Posts: 792 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: West Coast of Hopa-hopa-land
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