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User Topic: Long Term Affairs - Part 33
MC_Jack
♂ Member
Member # 35016
Default  Posted: 11:39 AM, November 29th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood, I just don't see how revelation causes any damage whatsoever....

to me, it seemed that keeping the secret somehow implied that I was complicit in the betrayal, a co-conspirator, and that I needed carry part of the burden. Plus now as a BS you would then be learning the 'merits' of being inauthentic or fake...

so...how exactly does the truth damage your relationships?

[This message edited by MC_Jack at 11:44 AM, November 29th (Friday)]


I am not a marriage counselor. I chose "MC Jack" in the spirit of a handle like "MC Hammer" or Young MC"...there is a lot of 'rapping' here, no? At the time I did not know what MC stood for on this site. Duh.

Posts: 791 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: West Coast of Hopa-hopa-land
DecimatedHeart
♀ Member
Member # 37657
Default  Posted: 1:08 PM, November 29th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey all! Hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving! Ours was nice, actually, everyone was on their best behavior for the most part (MIL got on my nerves a bit, but that's to be expected LOL). WH was his charming self. Most importantly, DD cooked and baked to her heart's delight and everything turned out delicious. She was happy and that's what mattered.

I need an intervention. WH's check engine light went on and he's losing it worrying how we are going to pay for the car repair right before Christmas (and of course talking about how he should have got a new car). I'm feeling incredibly guilty sitting on the money I've saved for my emergency escape plan right now. I keep reminding myself that it is my money, I've earned it, I'm saving it, and he hasn't done anything to earn my trust back enough to relinquish it. If we do by some miracle R and he finds out I was sitting on this money while his car needs repaired, it'll cause massive problems. I've always approached this savings as Money for Vacation if it works out, Money for Escape if it doesn't. So what do I do? Do I give him the money for the car?

Birdy If I were you, I would think about why you want to tell who you want to tell, and what the long term ramifications of telling them would be for you. I told my best friend and my sister. My best friend - so glad I told. My sister, not so much.


Me, BS 41
Him WH 42 - LTA, EA/PA
Together 24 years
DD13 - the love of my life
DDay#1 11/10/2012
DDay#4 4/5/2013 (NC broken AGAIN)
A supposedly over 6/14/2013

All my posts are edited - I hate typos. :)


Posts: 129 | Registered: Nov 2012
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 1:29 PM, November 29th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

how exactly does the truth damage your relationships

mc: its not that the truth would damage our (bs's) relationships as it would the ws...and when it comes to small children..i am with allgood on this one...its frankly none of their concern....when they are older its different...but children should not be made to deal with adult issues period!!!...

there is no reason to damage a parents relationship with a child....none....it serves no purpose accept to hurt the child...

and as far as everyone else....you need to be careful mostly because lots of people have big mouths and you don't know what they may say in front of your child(ren)....

aside from kids....frankly...its no one's business if you are not accustomed to telling the world your business....

running to tell everyone....works for some, and not for others....each sich needs to be judged by those within it....

and the only time i believe it needs to remain a secret is protect the child/parent relationship...when the child is old enough to deal with it...usually past the teen years...then by all means share it with the child when the child asks....or if a child asks directly....never lie to a child....even if they are too young...there are ways to phrase pretty much everything that would be age appropriate...and never ever should the chld feel like he-she should take a side...its just wrong....

like it or not....a parent is a parent, no matter what mistakes, bad choices and decisions he/she makes....and the child should never have to choose


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 1:44 PM, November 29th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DH,

Sit on the money. Check engine lights can be different things, most of which are cheaper to repair than buying a new vehicle.

You need to have a reserve.

Sit on it.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3964 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 1:48 PM, November 29th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DHeart- If you give your WH your 'escape'money to buy a new car....wouldn't you be giving him money to a buy a new car to drive to meet his affair partner?
All of the evidence points to him continuing the affair doesn't it?


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
Birdy08
♀ New Member
Member # 40552
Default  Posted: 2:52 PM, November 29th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks so much for everyone's feedback. It's the whiplash roller coaster feeling that gets me. Realize 9 mos is still early but man this is tough.


me-BS-51
WH-54
DS20 & DD13
Married 15yrs/together 18yrs
11 yr LTA that began when we were dating
She never was told about me or our family
I found out 7yrs after it ended (when he had no more of my $ to give her)

Posts: 15 | Registered: Sep 2013
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 3:40 PM, November 29th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

oh my gosh dh..a HELL TO THE NO on giving him a penny....that money you have stashed needs to remain just that....stashed...


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
DecimatedHeart
♀ Member
Member # 37657
Default  Posted: 6:22 PM, November 29th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I didn't mention it. It turned out to be something that isn't critical, but will be expensive to fix. I'm still feeling guilty about it, though. It feels dishonest, and that's what I keep asking him for - honesty.


Me, BS 41
Him WH 42 - LTA, EA/PA
Together 24 years
DD13 - the love of my life
DDay#1 11/10/2012
DDay#4 4/5/2013 (NC broken AGAIN)
A supposedly over 6/14/2013

All my posts are edited - I hate typos. :)


Posts: 129 | Registered: Nov 2012
Sproket
♂ Member
Member # 41262
Default  Posted: 6:56 PM, November 29th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I see reading some of you guys post dealing with LTA
And it doesn't look good that my M going to make it. Maybe I really should prepare myself for the worst. I just don't think you can come back from a LTA. My WW claims to still loves the OM but claims to love me also and I just ain't buying it.

[This message edited by Sproket at 6:57 PM, November 29th (Friday)]


ME:BS 40
W: WW 40
M: Oct 2009
D.D Nov 2, 2013

Posts: 68 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: VA
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 7:46 PM, November 29th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sprocket-

You can reconcile after a LTA.

But the first thing that you need to have is a WS that is remorseful and regrets his/her actions and truly wants to save the marriage.

The WS has to be willing to go NC (no contact)with the affair partner and be willing to prove that to the BS by being 100% transparent.
Be willing to allow the BS to have access to his/her cell phone, text messages, emails, computer passwords, credit card bills etc.
Be willing to be open and honest when answering any questions that the BS has in regard to the LTA.
That is the very beginning of the journey toward reconciliation.

If your WW is saying that she still has feelings for the OM (other man) then she is still in the fog and nowhere near ready to reconcile.
In that case you may have to implement the 180 (read the article in the healing library in the yellow box on the left).

In my opinion the 180 is the WS finding out about the infidelity and saying: "this is not acceptable!" "I will not tolerate this behavior." " We cannot have 3 people in this marriage."

In my case, after d-day I told my FWH to move out and told him to go the OW if that was what he wanted to do. He begged and pleaded for me to give him another chance. I did not back down.
I was truly shocked by d-day and did not believe that I would ever be able to forgive him.

We were separated for 6 months. I did not speak to him at all for the first month after d-day ...then slowly I began to listen to what he had to say because I saw that he was extremely remorseful.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
Sproket
♂ Member
Member # 41262
Default  Posted: 9:46 PM, November 29th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

yeah I been doing the 180.

Kind of hard for some of the stuff right now because of the holidays.


ME:BS 40
W: WW 40
M: Oct 2009
D.D Nov 2, 2013

Posts: 68 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: VA
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 6:33 AM, November 30th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MCJack:

so...how exactly does the truth damage your relationships?

The reaction of most people,if not enough people, to learn that a spouse has cheated on one of their friends, family members,etc. for years, is to conclude: 1. The WS is a piece of shit; and 2. The BS should not be with him/her.

Not always the case - but more often than not it is the case that people will side with the betrayed and be angry for him/her and want to protect him/her.


This will certainly influence how people with knowledge of the infidelity will interact with the WS and as a consequence how or if they will interact with the WS & BS as a couple.

This can not only affect the BS's reconciliation efforts, but can also affect his/her relationships with friends/family.

And, as I said in my original post, once the cat is out of the bag, you really cant control how far it goes. Once people who will have contact with your children know, it's only amount of time before someone overhears something & the children learn of it.

Plus now as a BS you would then be learning the 'merits' of being inauthentic or fake...

Absolutely not. Im putting the needs of others ahead of my own. It's not "fake" to keep private information private. Are you being conspiratorial or fake if you don't share your latest sexual exploits with all of your friends/family that ask "How was your weekend?"

[This message edited by Allgoodnamesgone at 8:16 AM, November 30th (Saturday)]


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
DecimatedHeart
♀ Member
Member # 37657
Default  Posted: 8:58 AM, November 30th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with allgood. I'll give you an example. I told my sister, who told my parents. We have always stayed at my sister's house when we visit. My sister has decided that my husband is not allowed in her house. My mom, who lives near my sister, offered to let us stay there when we come down for Christmas. She's more sympathetic because she's been an OW herself, which is another story altogether, but at least we would have had a place to stay. She's not happy with him, but she promised to be nice and respect my choice to stay married for now.

Last night my dad calls me to tell me that if I bring WH with me, he won't come up and visit us as he usually does when I stay with my sister. WH isn't welcome in his house, he never wants to see WH again, and if my dad comes up to see my DD sing this spring, he makes no promise to be civil.

End result? I've decided not to visit my family for Christmas, even though I miss my niece and nephew terribly, and I'm probably going to have to tell them not to come to DD's concert next year.

It royally sucks and I'm wishing I never told my sister. The short term comfort was not worth the long term judgment and drama. As if this A hasn't cost me enough, now it's cost me Christmas with my family.

[This message edited by DecimatedHeart at 8:59 AM, November 30th (Saturday)]


Me, BS 41
Him WH 42 - LTA, EA/PA
Together 24 years
DD13 - the love of my life
DDay#1 11/10/2012
DDay#4 4/5/2013 (NC broken AGAIN)
A supposedly over 6/14/2013

All my posts are edited - I hate typos. :)


Posts: 129 | Registered: Nov 2012
marion
♀ Member
Member # 33625
Default  Posted: 9:05 AM, November 30th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow...Thanks Allgood...I have struggled with this issue for a really long time....my 1st Dday was in Aug.2010 but didn't get the full story until July 2011. Turns out the A lasted on and off for approx 2.5 years...with 3-4 month break in 2009?...anyway...I read here a lot and just don't know how to deal with it all....often feel like such a fake...three kids, 16,13, and 8 who don't know, nor do any of our family members. Two close friends who don't live locally know and of course, the 2 close friends (no longer in the picture) that supported the A. Still struggling more than I would like to be given that he and I are doing the hard work...IC and MC for 3 years+. Just how do you let it all go? I know an A is a deal breaker for me and yet I am still here...for me, him and my kids but just can't get my head to fully accept that this is my new normal...sounds so childish and stupid...sorry....thanks to everyone who shares their stories...makes me feel much less alone....Marion

Posts: 102 | Registered: Oct 2011
MC_Jack
♂ Member
Member # 35016
Default  Posted: 9:31 AM, November 30th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood, iwam, regarding disclosure, you have kinda created straw-man arguments.

I am not advocating a status update on facebook or taking out an advertisement in the weekly church bulletin. I am merely saying that if a BS needs and wants advice and support from certain close family and friends, they should not fear 'consequences' and need to let go on nicing the WS back into the M.

To your situation DHeart, sounds to me like you have a family that clearly sees what your WH is doing (have they been reading your own posts?) and are acting in a way that you are trying to reach...

SO, isn't the conclusion that the WS is (or was!) a piece of shit accurate? Wasn't my WW a dumb slut there for a spell?

so to DHeart: if your family is reacting like that, how about your WH contacting each of them? Let him put himself on the line for you. And if he will not do that, why do you even want him to go with you?

if my mother gave me some shitty ultimatum, even after my WW tried to mend things with her, I would tell her to fuck off and bring my WW anyways. Maybe I am not conflict avoidant.

The more thing I would say about Dhearts' family is that they could themselves confront WH in some way...get Dheart out of the role of negotiator, though obviously WH knows what he did wrong. And is still doing it.

[This message edited by MC_Jack at 9:35 AM, November 30th (Saturday)]


I am not a marriage counselor. I chose "MC Jack" in the spirit of a handle like "MC Hammer" or Young MC"...there is a lot of 'rapping' here, no? At the time I did not know what MC stood for on this site. Duh.

Posts: 791 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: West Coast of Hopa-hopa-land
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 9:50 AM, November 30th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DH,

Wow, I am so sorry to read how your family puts their own feelings ahead of supporting you. It is interesting that they are willing to abandon and hurt you for trying to fix your M after your WH abandoned and hurt you.

IWAM, I agree that FWW has tried and has probably reached her level of improvement. I think that is the part that is the most frustrating. I could lower my expectations, but then I would have none. I have tried to schedule things for us to do, but little luck beyond watching movies on TV. She does not like to play games (with adults) as it makes her nervous if she does something wrong, she is too tired to go out after her work in a garden center, and her days off do not match mine.

ETA as MC pointed out, fix is a bad word choice in my comment to DH. Not Divorcing would be the better characterization. Still, family support would be helpful, and they could all cold shoulder her WH together.

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 11:41 AM, November 30th (Saturday)]


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3964 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
MC_Jack
♂ Member
Member # 35016
Default  Posted: 9:51 AM, November 30th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sproket, sorry about your current state of affairs. I read some of your other posts to get a better idea of what you are going through.

Yes, to NJgals comments, there is recovery after an LTA, but I do not think you have an LTA issue.

...seems to me that you have a serial cheater/remorseless spouse issue...a person that has no qualms about basically engaging in cold blooded manipulation.

...180, detach, file...


I am not a marriage counselor. I chose "MC Jack" in the spirit of a handle like "MC Hammer" or Young MC"...there is a lot of 'rapping' here, no? At the time I did not know what MC stood for on this site. Duh.

Posts: 791 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: West Coast of Hopa-hopa-land
MC_Jack
♂ Member
Member # 35016
Default  Posted: 9:55 AM, November 30th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ATS, isn't your comment that DH is 'trying to fix' her marriage somewhat backwards proscriptively?

Shouldn't WH be the one to be fixing himself and the M, not DHeart?

Dheart, why don't you go spend Christmas with your family without WH? Why do you want to have him along?

[This message edited by MC_Jack at 9:58 AM, November 30th (Saturday)]


I am not a marriage counselor. I chose "MC Jack" in the spirit of a handle like "MC Hammer" or Young MC"...there is a lot of 'rapping' here, no? At the time I did not know what MC stood for on this site. Duh.

Posts: 791 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: West Coast of Hopa-hopa-land
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 11:15 AM, November 30th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MCJack,

I am not advocating a status update on facebook or taking out an advertisement in the weekly church bulletin.

Neither was I.

I am merely saying that if a BS needs and wants advice and support from certain close family and friends, they should not fear 'consequences'

It's your use of the word "fear" that implies something is weak in the BS for CHOOSING not to share very personal information. And, I think it is wise, not fearful to consider the consequences before opening one's mouth.

need to let go on nicing the WS back into the M.

Not what's going on. My WS and I have been separated for more than 2 years now & very few people know about the affair.

An argument could certainly be made that telling people about the affair is not real helpful to anyone but the person telling. Some of us have a broader perspective. Nothing to do with "nicing the WS back into the marriage".

edited to add: that I recognize telling other people makes the WS accountable to others and may bring him/her out of the fog etcetera as a result.

[This message edited by Allgoodnamesgone at 12:04 PM, November 30th (Saturday)]


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Exclaimation  Posted: 12:05 PM, November 30th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sproket: A LTA is hard to deal with. If your WW still claims that she loves the OM, then she is not ready to reconcile with you. She will most likely take the A underground. The 180 is for YOU. It is to get yourself healed since it seems your WW is not willing to help, especially since she is telling you that she still loves the OM. I know it's very hard to 180 during the holidays, but try as much as you can. Focus on YOU. This is not being selfish, this is survival. Don't make the mistake I made and try to "nice" yourself back into the M. That is just what a cake eating spouse LOVES. Two people who are vying for their attention and in addition it's also like positive reinforcement for their bad behavior.

Marion: Actually, we never "let it all go". It just takes time to accept it as part of our reality. This does not mean condoning the A, but accepting it as part of our past that cannot be changed. This needs to be done whether or not we R or D. It is traumatic and very painful. What we decide to do is our choice. A very remorseful spouse who is going to IC and trying to make changes is a step toward R. Going to IC for ourselves helps us recover from the trauma. It is perfectly fine to give ourselves some time to decide what we want to do.

There are a lot of people, myself included, that wanted the M so desperately, we would do anything to save it. But after some years with IC, I'm realizing that even if my NPD H was remorseful, I don't want to be married to him anymore. The things he did and are still doing is showing me who he is and that will not change.

A wise poster once wrote that besides looking to the past, we should also look to what the future will be like with our WS. If they are trying to make changes within themselves there's a chance for a positive future. We, also, can try to make ourselves the best we can be too. Like respecting ourselves more and learning to communicate our boundaries in a positive, respectful way. (It is human nature that if we yell at anyone or are putting them down, their response is to be defensive, and not hear you even if they need to be yelled at! )

But, Marion, if you feel in your heart that this is a dealbreaker, that is what you need to go with.

DH: DO NOT GIVE HIM THE MONEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Do not feel guilty. Remember all the time and MONEY he has spent on the OW. That money should have been for your family including his precious car that he was parading around with the OW. Keep that in mind next time you are tempted to bail him out.


As for letting other people know about the A. I didn't have a choice with my DS's. WH told them himself about the OW (which he lied and said he D, and the 3 OC's) It seemed most people knew already anyway. I did tell a few trusted friends and had to tell my older DS's because I was such a basket case.
Sometimes it can work against you, as in DH's case. My older sons (from first marriage)did not want to speak to WH and wanted to beat him up, but said nothing because they love their younger brothers and knew that it would ultimately hurt them. They were civil at family gatherings.

The one thing that I loved, was my neighbor who speaks her mind. NPD was telling her thank you for helping me and all 5'4" of her looks up at his 6' and says to him," If you were my H, I would have stabbed you in the back!!!" and she walked away.

My hero!

Since then NPD keeps telling me to invite her over to eat or to come out with us to dinner. I guess he wants to try to charm her to show what a wonderful guy he really is.

[This message edited by honesttoafault at 12:21 AM, December 1st (Sunday)]


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