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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affairs - Part 33
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 7:07 AM, December 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Merry Christmas to the most loyal and empathetic friends one could ever hope to know.

BIG HUGS to all

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 10:00 AM, December 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Merry Christmas to our wonderful LTA family! I love you all.

Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 1:47 PM, December 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i am so so hopin that all this silence in here is a GOOD sign

as for me....xmas eve and xmas day went very well

ironic moment: many peeps telling me what a good team pfm and i make..

dd also asking me about future xmas's...will they have to divide the holiday when pfm and i finally split....my answer....that would depend on pfm...i actually would have no problem or issue including him in the holiday....as long as he does right....if he doesn't do right...then it will be a hell to the no!!


(((tribe)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 2:20 PM, December 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Glad you had a good xmas IWAM. Mine was pretty good as well. this was the first Xmas separated but it actually worked out pretty well for me. It has been pretty quiet guess it's holidays and end of the year stuff. I been hanging out in JFO trying to help new members.


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
STBXWW = Her
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Separated 6/2013, D official around 6/2014

Posts: 1585 | Registered: May 2011
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, December 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WS is coming today after being gone 3 3/4 months. I've been fighting anxiety for over a week. Just need some prayers.

Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 9:54 AM, December 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Prayers going up Honest! Stay strong, you can do this honest!


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
STBXWW = Her
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Separated 6/2013, D official around 6/2014

Posts: 1585 | Registered: May 2011
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 12:09 PM, December 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Best wishes Honest.

Nothing changes when he is here other than he is more "in your face". He is your child's father; that is all.

He does whatever he does or does not do because it suits him, not because of what you do or do not say or do. He will use your action or inaction to justify his actions, but it is always going to be about him. This will be a good opportunity for you to practice letting go of fears and anger related to him.

Each day or so, can you post for us the most outrageous or typical for him thing that he does? A thing that clearly demonstrates to you who he really is.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
LiedtoLucy
♀ Member
Member # 39246
Default  Posted: 9:36 PM, December 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Honest))))


LTL

Me: BS
Him: WH
OW=UW or Ugly Whore- cow of WH
UW claims to be pregnant w/ WH baby and I HATE her for it.
DDay: 4/23/13
Together: 14 years
Married: 10 years
Kids: 3 beautiful boys. Ages: 8, 4, & 19 months
Trying to R-Some days are


Posts: 110 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Southeastern U.S.
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:57 PM, December 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sending prayers mojo and a wish....my wish for you is for this new year to bring you a new future...

keep looking forward honest...everyday look forward, not behind you and not even the present...look forward and keep marching towards it!!!

you can do this, you will do this!!! i have faith in you dear heart!!!

(((honest))

goin to friends for the new year....want to take this opportunity to wish one and all a wonderful New Years...may the new year bring those who need them...new beginnings

may the new year bring those of who are settled....continued happiness

when one door closes another opens, and sometimes its a window and not a door....and until you turn the handle the door will not open....until you walk throught the door, you stand still

and we always have choices....even though so many dreams and goals have had to change for some of us....we still have choices....choose your future with what we have been dealt...choose your future and do not let others choose it for you.....

we cannot control anyone but ourselves...and we may have been dealt a terrible hand...but play the hand and don't fold....when you fold you have no possiblitlies..when you play the hand there is always hope....and who knows...you may end up with a big win

happy new year all!!!!


((((tribe)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
HardenMyHeart
♂ Member
Member # 15902
Default  Posted: 12:03 AM, December 31st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Honest))))


Me: BH, Her: FWW - Long Term EA/PA
d-day: June 25, 2007
Married 29 years, Happily Reconciled

Posts: 5617 | Registered: Aug 2007
eachdayisvictory
♀ Member
Member # 40462
Default  Posted: 12:08 PM, December 31st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Having a really hard time today. Anxious about the OW trying to contact fWH with holiday greetings, but more anxious that he could lie about it to me.

I told him my fears and he said that all he can offer me is his full intention to be completely honest with me if she attempts any contact, and that he is mine.

I love him, I feel so loved by him lately, but it's the 2 1/2 years that keep punching me in the gut and sending me back to the anxiety of uncertainty.

Who can live a lie for so long?

Will I ever feel safe again in this M?


me, BW: 33
FWH: 34
Dday: feb 11, 2013
Dday #2: may 6, 2013
LT PA and EA for 2+years
children: 2 boys age 2 and 5
Reconciling

Posts: 339 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nova Scotia, Canada
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 1:10 PM, December 31st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi eachdayisvictory, and welcome to our little corner of SI here in LTA.

Who can live a lie for so long?

I believe that a LTA indicates a problem within the WS. An attachment disorder, a personality disorder, an addiction, something that allows them to persist in betrayal for so long. They can continue to betray us the BS and live with themselves. They can have an intense and physical relationship with OP, and yet the relationship does not continue to build in intimacy and intensity, rather it simmers along. As the scales fall from our eyes after dday, many of us see in our own relationships with our WS that defect that allowed them to be "comfortable" with a LTA. That defect, whatever it is, must be identified and addressed for there to be any hope of R and a healthier relationship.

With my FWW there were a number of issues, but a key one was her lack of empathy and fear of emotional intimacy. The OM worked fine for her in that she could contact them when she needed some affirmation, or sex, and then put them back into their box. If one of them angered her she quit taking their calls or texts. If she wanted to reinitiate contact, or more contact, she made herself available to them for an afternoon. FWW was able to rationalize her betrayal to me, her cheating with a MM and even a relative, and keep it all in boxes separate from the rest of her life.

Will I ever feel safe again in this M?

That depends on your WH. While healing and getting to acceptance is all on you, changing behaviors, perceptions and attitudes so that you feel safe and are able to participate in R is on your WH. What is he doing to help you to feel safe? Has he identified, or does he attend IC for help in identifying what need(s) he was trying to meet with his A? If he does not learn what he was looking for in his A, he will not know what he needs to fix or guard against in the future. For example, if he had an A because he was lonely, why did he turn to OW when he was lonely? What will he do the next time he is lonely? The more he identifies why he had his A, and practices new coping behaviors to replace attention from OW, the safer you will feel in the M.

He can read Not Just Friends by Glass and Sexual Detours by Hines, and then discuss with you how these books do or do not apply to him and you. As he begins to understand what he was trying to get from the A, and learns to replace that need with healthier responses, then you will begin to relax and trust again.

Do you have access to all of his email, cellphone, and chat accounts? If not you should. The more time goes by you can confirm he is NC with OW and not flirting with new OW, the more you will begin to trust again. He can work with an IC on his conflict avoidance and communication. Then you and he can practice talking, arguing, and fighting so that you both learn to disagree and even fight in a way the strengthens rather than erodes your M. As secrecy disappears and you both have a clear understanding of how each other feels, trust will begin to return.

Best wishes to you eachdayisvictory.

To everyone else, enjoy NYE and New Year's day. Where do you want to be, and what do you want your life to be like this time next year? What steps are you taking to move towards those goals?

I spent the last four days restoring order in my life. Old piles of flotsam at work and at home have been sorted, stored, sold, or otherwise disposed and there is more to follow. I am free of anymore worry about what is in those piles that I may be forgetting. With this freedom I can focus back into the moments at hand. I got my 7-Habits and GTD books out and gave myself a refresher on running my life and setting my goals. Efforts begun last year to improve cash flow are paying off and provide incentive for further efforts this coming year. I am embarking on my “got nothing to lose” project to work on how I feel about FWW and our M.

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 2:27 PM, December 31st (Tuesday)]


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 2:21 PM, December 31st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ats- you described the LTA WS perfectly.
The LTA is different in that they do want to keep it on the back burner at 'simmer'. That's why it can go on for so long. Most BS assume that a LTA means that they are head over heels for the AP. And instead it is often the opposite.
They use the AP for whatever their needs may be -physical or emotional. But, they never really see the AP as a whole person or someone that they would want to spend their life with. They like keeping them in a compartment and then contacting them when and if the mood strikes.
It is also so true that the WS in a LTA often has issues with avoiding intimacy and not having empathy.
In some cases it's due to personality disorders like BPD or NPD. In others like my FWH's case- I guess his lack of empathy and avoidance of true intimacy may have had something to do with his alcoholism and other addictive behaviors which tend to stunt your emotional growth.

eachdayavictory- you ask if you will ever feel safe in your marriage again? Well... you can.... but it takes time.
Your WH has to show you through his actions that he is someone that can be trusted again and that he has truly changed.
It took me years to get to that point with my FWH even though he was extremely remorseful immediately after d-day.

Being betrayed in this way is extremely traumatic.

I suffered from PTSD afterward.

Things that my FWH did to help me feel 'safe' included:
total transparency- I had access to all of his passwords, credit cards, emails, phones, texts, etc.
He wrote out a detailed timeline outlining what happened and when in regards to the LTA.

He also went NC immediately with the OW and never contacted her again.

He got sober and went to AA. At first her went to 90 meetings in 90 days and he has continued going to AA. This January will be 7 yrs of sobriety and 7 yrs of attending AA.
He also went to IC for 1 and 1/2 yrs and to MC with me.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 2:23 PM, December 31st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wishing all the LTA tribe a very Happy New Year!

For the newbies- I know it seems like you will never get over the pain and heartache but with time you will. Maybe not this year but in time. Whether you reconcile or decide to divorce. Things will get better.

For the oldies- May 2014 be your year to find peace and happiness!


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
TheThreeYearFool
♀ Member
Member # 41218
Default  Posted: 3:04 PM, December 31st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So here we are facing 2014. I feel like 2013 sucked, but I should remind myself that 2011 and 2012 sucked as well and I just didn't know it!

I am trying to look to the new year with hope. I believe that I will be strong enough to overcome this. I will be fine either with or without WH.

Happy New Year, everybody. May it bring us all peace.


Me - BW 36
Him - WH 40
Together 11 years, married 6
3 year LTA with former coworker
DDay 10/29/13
He says he wants to R... can I live with what he's done?

Posts: 121 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: United States
lostcovenants
♀ Member
Member # 40637
Default  Posted: 6:16 PM, December 31st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm with you ThreeYearFool -my life has sucked for four years, just didn't know until July 2013. I didn't know tonight would be so hard. My WH just wants to move forward. I want to heal. Dear God this is so hard. I wish I had some SI friends here in person to cry with.


BS - 59; fWH - 58 (yes, I believe he is a fWH now!)
2 grown children, 1 grandchild; Married 36 years, he is my only
D-day 7/8/13; Married OW, PA 2009-2011(updated tt) sexting with same OW 2012-2013. Broke it off about a week before I found out. Ina

Posts: 84 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: USA
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 10:20 AM, January 1st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lostcovenants-
Yes, recovering from a LTA is very difficult and takes time. Your d-day was very recent. All of the WS want to brush everything under the rug and move forward as fast as possible.
They have been running away from the truth and not facing their own demons for years. Why would they change overnight?
My FWH was someone that avoided reality via alcohol and then later the LTA provided another escape.

Has your WH gone to IC? In my opinion that is key for reconciling after a LTA. The WS has to dig deep and figure out how he/she got to this low point.
And then they need to figure out a plan for change.

Are you in IC? I needed therapy desperately after d-day. Finding out about my husband's 5 yr LTA was traumatic and a complete shock.

Some good books : Not Just Friends by Glass (for both of you)

A book that deals with the trauma: Transcending Post Infidelity Stress Disorder by Ortman


How Can I Forgive You? By Spring

After the Affair by Spring

How to help your spouse heal after your affair by Linda MacDonald


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 12:08 PM, January 1st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome to our newbies:
{{{LiedtoLucy}}
{{{HardenmyHeart}}}
{{{EachDayisaVictory}}
{{{TheThreeYearFool}}
{{{{LostConvenents}}

Ats and NJgal have given good advice. A LTA is a different animal. For the WS to lead a different life for years really shows there is something very wrong with them.

Thank you Ats. I think I do need reality checks. NPD is not mean all the time, if he was, it would be easier to see and leave. He acts charming, etc and then puts a zinger in conversation that is almost insidious.


Happy New Year to the wonderful tribe!!


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 6:33 PM, January 1st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

honest- is he back for business reasons? or to visit with the boys?


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 6:30 AM, January 2nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome new members.

Honest - hang in there. I know he is not showing who he really is 24/7 & can show you glimpses of who he was/you thought he was - but that's all it is - don't focus on the trees - look at the forest & all that.

((Honest))

And a Happy New Year to all!

Stealing a quote I recently saw: Today you write the 1st page of your 365 page book (well, by today, 364 pages). Make it a good one.

Peace, health & happiness to all.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
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