Don’t be that fragile kind of guy who feels happy if his wife wants and needs him and you miserably unhappy if she does not. You can let yourself get caught up in seeking validation from your wife and she is going to find that repulsive. Stay far away from that needy kind of man. You don’t need your wife any more than I need my wife. For now, our wives can join us in our lives to enjoy all we have to offer or make the choice to hit the road.
Be happy and satisfied with yourself and all you do. You have it all brother.. great kids, a passion to serve the state, super hobbies, no money worries, your health, good friends..
Your wife is along for the ride with you… If you keep being attractive, then she will do things that will bring you good feelings. Pay close attention.
I am not saying she won’t have bad behaviors. If she begins bad behaviors.. you bring on a conflict in a good way.. And I know and believe how you say things are meaningful to others.
A good conflict method taught me…
- a comment, a story by placing her misrepresentation, deletion and apply it to you as if you were the one doing it to her.
- Directly tell her that you do not appreciate it
- what's true for you is also true for her and it would NOT make her happy, satisfied, or joyful...it does NOT support and uplift our marriage.
- Ask her to choose to stand for things in her mind based on good so she can enjoy and appreciate present good rather, than extracting present misery from hurts and offenses from the past... And you commit to the same.
- Reset to safety… “now, I am going to watch a movie, you invite her to join you”
Let her get defensive, let her talk.. you just listen. If she runs away to hide.. let the little girl go and do that.
and I will tell you this.. My wife has throw the exact you get back in a nice, loving mode for the marriage! Hah Reciprocity does work!! I deserved it too.
Sometimes, my wife does not love me the way I want her to love me.
Things I have learned..
1. Be more flexible and less rigid.
2. Do more accepting and less trying to change others.
3. Have more trust and less distrust.
You are going to have memories. Just because you have them does not mean you don’t have the power over your mind to control your emotions. You do. And if you behave in a good ways, those bad feelings will pass. You look back at all this and say.. yes bad things happened to me. That happens. And more will likely come too. We will be ready to attack those problems when the come.
And you will have challenges when you do get elected. People will want you to enable them. You are going to have to say NO, based on your morality. And your morality will be different than many folks. You will be called an idiot, bigot, stupid.. etc. You are wise enough to know the difference between compassion and enabling. Just listen and say I heard you. "we have different values." Both to businesses and people too. I don’t believe you will treat your marriage any different.
You go be that man who builds your wife up, you romance her.. You been laying a good make out kiss on her (non-sexual) about 2-3 times a week? You been giving here words of affirmation and appreciation? You been making thing different, new and exciting for her? You been making sure you do your part around the house? You been sliding her some gifts.. no matter how trivial? Making sure she is equal in the marriage? Paying attention and noticing things? Avoiding all Stop condemning, criticizing, telling her how to do it and complaining? Heck, you know those things I have been ridiculed about.. most are what I know as common sense but for some reason we don't do them.
Try hard to stick to just being quality and the reciprocity will come.
That movie? I saw it and thought it was good. Both of those folks were messed up in the head… but you be the one that attracts.. you will be the one your wife will be attractive too..
Forge on brother.. Peace out.
I'm going crazy over DS 18. I know he's safe. He's texted me and is going to college, but I don't know where he is. NPD just cut off his phone service, just calls, no texts and is busy checking the internet to see who he, me and DS 15 are calling to see if we contacted. NPD says fine, if he wants to be a man, let him take care of himself.
My sons keep telling me my way was not working, that they all have been emotionally abused, especially DS 18.
Of course I'm seeing that NPD is on the "honeymoon" phase of the abuse. I used to live for that, but it's not enough anymore. It's like I'm addicted to that, because I'm finally realizing that the honeymoon phase was better treatment than I really got all my life..... so I settled for that. During that phase I did get affection, and attention and caring.
But the cycles are longer with the anger and meanness and it's no longer viable.
I feel I am no longer viable.
I can't concentrate, I'm trying. This damn concussion is not helping.
No money in the bank. DS 38 says he'll help, but he's so much like my father, promising the moon, the stars and the sun and is very inconsistent in following through.
I feel I can't trust anyone (except a few friends and you wonderful people here), let alone myself. I started taking my AD's again today, but it'll take a while to kick in.
I knew the shit would hit the fan this time, but I didn't expect DS 18 to leave like this without telling me.
Tomorrow my daughter would be 20, and I feel like I lost 2 of my children and am about to lose them all. Then they will be all grown and on their own and I'll be all alone. Just rambling.
Thanks for letting me vent.
If you cant take the next step for yourself, do it for your children. Enough is enough. F the post-nup and lets get going here. (Unless he is willing to acknowledge in the post-nup that he is living overseas and will agree that he will only stay at your residence as agreed upon.)
My Son moved out this weekend too. That is what our kids do no matter the reason.
DS 38 says he'll help
You have to dream a bit. Do you remember when you were single? Your independance.. Go back a get that again... You have strenght about you.. you have done it before... and you can do it now.
You have the courage for the post nup.. take the step to end it... so you can begin to be independant! Your sons will step up! Trust!
As for moving forward, you know that you need to make a change. Your position with NPD is not sustainable. He is not the healthiest person, and you could be left without support if he were to die suddenly. I think that trying to do a thing in the best or “right” way can often get in the way of just doing what needs to be done.
I think that trying to do a thing in the best or “right” way can often get in the way of just doing what needs to be done.
Absolutely right. While you were contemplating options, an emergency situation has arisen. And it will not be the last.
Use this to drive you forward.
i am so so sorry dear heart...i do not have much time right now....just wanted to reach out and give you some hugs..
((((((honest))))).....will be back later ..
The shit is really going to hit the fan soon.
McJack- triggers are very common. I am 7 yrs post d day and I still have them. They are not as intense and the pain is not the same as in those first years after d day but there are still movies, or something on TV or a place etc. that can trigger me.
I hope that you have been able to work through the trigger.
Congrats on your decision to run for political office again!
as for your triggers...they are a bitch, arent they....basically when it comes right down to it....there is only so much we can control within our enviroment....and unfortunately when we are exposed to something that catches us off guard, it puts us back to square one sometimes emotionally...and that is when we need to be prepared differently....expect these triggers to show up here and there...and then have a plan in place to "shake" it....
for me....i exercise, play a game like candy crush, which i am completely addicted to btw.....basically in a nutshell i distract myself with other thoughts.....and sometimes its harder then others...but i don't stop unti i shake it...
anyways...work through it...and good luck on the election front
honest: i know it hurts....remember dear heart that your son's decision to leave HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU.....and when npd goes back i am sure your son will come back...as soon as he knows the "coast is clear".....as for him not getting in touch with you...it could be he knows that npd will be checking your phone.....as long as you know that he is safe right now....focus on that...
glad you are on the ad's.....hopefully it will take that edge off of all this shit....
and your time is HERE.....EMBRACE IT!!!....life has a way sometimes of forcing us to do what we need to do....and you have needed to do this for a long time comin....life is guiding you.....let it and go with it....
we are here for you always dear heart!!!!
dh: where oh where art thou????
Your position with NPD is not sustainable.
Ats: Your words have been playing over and over in my head.
I'm trying to gather papers together. NPD just borrowed money from a cousin, so I was scrambling to pay off back bills.
Then arguing with NPD. Of course DS18 leaving like he did is all my fault and the fault of DS 38 and 34. In NPD's religion there is no drinking of alcohol, although he drank like a fish in his 20's. (before I met him) The night before the cruise, DS 18 went out with the older DS's and when he came home late (I was already asleep with a fever), according to NPD DS 18 answered, "I was out with my brothers!!" Now, I don't appreciate it myself that he was drinking, and NPD is furious that the older brothers should have been responsible for him and not have him drink....but I do realize that the older brothers were there listening to DS 18 and listening to him and giving him support.
Now, of course NPD blames the older DS's for DS 18 leaving. I had to tell NPD that the older DS's have always, always said they never put NPD down in front of the younger DS's because they are also children of D (as I am) and although you may be angry at your father, you still love him. He is your father. Fell on deaf ears.
I know I shouldn't engage, but I realized recently that being quiet, I ended up internalizing all his crap. So, I'm answering back, and walking away. I'm not going to be his verbal punching bag.
It also hit me hard at how many times he has threatened me with : "If you do x or y, I'll D you or it will hurt our relationship"
Bullying and control.
So, I said to myself, I am going to stand up for myself and my kids, and if he threatens me again, I'll call him on it.
I'm gathering papers. I haven't told NPD that I want a post nup yet, because he was so mad, that it would add fuel to the fire. But I am going to tell him in the next few days. I want a meeting with DS 38 and 34. DS 38 says he has a plan. The older DS's feel I should just kick out NPD, but they don't realize it's not that simple with legalities.
NPD can be unpredictable. Because of his pride, he may just leave and not pay anything, on the other hand he might start playing really dirty and try to kick me out.
DS 18 told me he'll come back when NPD leaves. NPD changed the locks on the house, shut off DS 18's phone except for regular calls, and told me he didn't want him in the house. I told NPD it's my house too, and he's my son, so NPD said, well let me know first.
It's all about NPD's pride. He feels he has been disrepected, and although I tried to explain to him that DS 18 is upset and angry that NPD was gone for 4 months with little contact with him and then comes home barking orders and not giving him any attention and time, NPD will not or really more to the point CAN NOT see it. According to him, it's all my fault. He thought I was a better mother, etc blah, blah blah.
Thank you all for letting me vent.
I feel so pressured from all sides. I'm trying to be strong.
I am doing the 180, and surprisingly, NPD hasn't resorted to his usual silent treatment. I think he's learned that doesn't work anymore. I think he might also be surprised that I'm not a crying mess curled up in a fetal position.....
I think I'm being stronger.
Love to all of you.
[This message edited by honesttoafault at 8:55 AM, January 30th (Thursday)]
Stay the course.
NPD just borrowed money from a cousin, so I was scrambling to pay off back bills.
Because of his pride, he may just leave and not pay anything,...
Pride? He cannot support his family(ies) and must borrow money to pay bills?
This is what I meant by not sustainable, he already cannot afford his responsibilities. Better to start your move now while there is some money than to wait until he is declaring bankruptcy or just walking way.
NPD may feel disrespected by DS18, but maybe you could share with NPD how demeaning and embarssing it is for you to know your husband cannot support is wife and child, that he must turn to his family to meet his obligations. I do not mean that you actually feel this way, but an openning of attack on NPD. Maybe he will decide it is better to work with you on the separation and D short term to be free of paying on-going expenses long term.
Can you set a date, a goal for completing the paperwork (separation of post nup) with NPD? What a nice Vaentines day gist that would be for you.
It's been 5 yrs since Dday. As we were in a family crisis, at the time, I remember very little about it. We were separated already, and I should have stayed gone.
H, like most WS's, lied to my face over and over again.
The best I can figure is his EA was between 2-1/2 to 3 yrs. He researched how to D the month our DD was getting married! Then I guess he took it from there. Classmates, looked her up, called her and it went from there. She lives a few hours away from us, but the more I think about it the more I doubt it was just an EA that whole time. Altho she is one fat ugly pig, we all know that looks don't mean anything. They fed off each other.
She was also in our lives as teenagers, so I am especially pissed about that.
He seemed to have had some form of infidelity every fucking decade of our lives!!!
And we are now getting half-way thru this one.
I am getting my ducks, and geese, and any other animal I can find, in a row. We own a business together so just up and leaving is not a option for me. But we plan on selling (hopefully soon), and we both agree to that, (w/o him knowing of my plans) so I just have to hold my horses.
My heart is just so broken. the length of time he spent in conversation with her is just too much to bear right now.
Our living situation seems to be ideal for him, as we talk of nothing of substance, just work and the weather! Is he OK with it? IDK, but I think so. He is the KING of CA's and rug-sweeping!!
Sorry this is so long. Thanks for reading this far.
Some days are just soooooo much harder than others.
Don't ever worry about the length of your posts! We all help each other here, and sometimes reading someone else's post helps others in many ways. It often puts into words what others may feel:)
I finally told him I waned a Post Nup and he didn't know what that was and I told him that the paper he signed would go into a legal form. It would outline ahead of time what the terms of a D would be if we D. He said, sure, go ahead. Then added that that was what I was preparing for. I was the one who wanted a D. I said nothing. He says he doesn't want to talk to me about anything. There is too much damage done. Me and the older DS's have caused too much damage. I said what are we going to do? and he says we act like husband and wife until we D. I asked when was that? and he says it's up to you. That's what you want. I told him he doesn't treat me like a wife anyway.
I'm sorry I come here and vent like I do. I should have my own ability to give myself validation and tell myself all the crap he says is just that CRAP. But because there is a grain of truth in a lot of things he says, I buy it all.
Have I ever said anything bad about him to the kids? Not really, although there were many times over the past few years when I would retreat to my room crying and they kept asking me what was wrong, I might have said that I was upset about what their father did. Or they would see me get off the phone with him and I would be crying or upset. There is the grain of truth.
This time NPD was supposed to come for Christmas and decided not to because I was planning to go to DS 34's house. He was angry and said he wasn't coming. I did tell the kids that.
He's going on about all he did for the older DS's. I'm so sick of this all. He is just so angry because he feels he was disrepected by them and the younger DS's and me.
Why me? I told everyone what he did. I told him they knew already so what was his problem.
The way I'm talking to him: I yelled back at him yesterday!
And the topping on the cake? When he told me that he didn't want DS18 to come into the house and I said, it's my house too, and my son too. How dare I? He's the man of the house and his word is last. We could discuss it, but he makes the last decision AND I said this in front of DS 15.
Thanks for letting me vent. I'm trying to be strong and not give in. Not to go back to my old routine of trying to appease him. He's trying to bully and control me by his usual "withdrawing love" which always worked on me. It still hurts. It shouldn't, but it hurts like hell.