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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affairs - Part 33
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 3:49 AM, February 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi lostsuol

So wonderful to hear from you.

I am so sorry today and tomorrow are tough.

I understand that "stuck" feeling.

It is almost 9pm here in Oz. I will raise my glass of red to you and keep you in my prayers over these couple of days.

Hi Dip

Wonderful to "see" you again too!!!

BIG HUGS to you both

Laura

[This message edited by Laura28 at 3:50 AM, February 7th (Friday)]


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 6:14 AM, February 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HI LAURA!!!!

LostSuol: So sorry you are stuck. I totally get it.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 6:18 AM, February 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lost soul-
So sorry that you are going through a difficult time.
Do you think that returning to IC might help?

I needed that support. I ended up going to IC for 4 yrs after d-day ( luckily I had good insurance that covered 80% but IMHO it was worth the money).

I would be schizophrenic about my feelings- going from very positive to questioning my sanity for staying after such a betrayal.

It wasn't until I separated out my feelings about infidelity in general-to what my life was like now post d-day was I able to reach a level of acceptance and then begin to forgive and move forward.

A huge issue for me was the fact that I had always believed that it would be a deal breaker for me.My pride was another stumbling block to forgiveness. And mostly my shock-I walked around for years after d-day saying: "I can't believe he did this."

Going to therapy helped me work through all of this.
I began to focus on the reality of my present situation- what my husband was doing now, how he was treating me, how he had changed etc.
and remind myself- "that was then and this is now".
The way that I was able to get 'unstuck' was to see my marriage post d-day as a 'new' marriage and a 'new' beginning.
I accepted the fact that the old marriage was flawed and he had damaged it but it was not beyond repair.
And after all these years we had a chance to begin again.
That is how I look at all celebrations and anniversaries now.
I see us as survivors.

Don't know if this is what you are struggling with... it may not be an approach that will work for you ..but I just wanted to throw this out.

It's hard- dealing with a LTA- it is one of the hardest things for a marriage to recover from.

Sending you long distance hugs.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 6:48 PM, February 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Laura, Allgood & NJgal. It truly helps to know you are there with hugs & prayers even though we have not met in person. I had a brief chat on FB with Ukg today as well.

I thought that 2013-2014 was going to be a kind of 'do over'... putting the LTA behind me/us but it has not worked out that way for a number of reasons.

NJ: What you wrote has a lot of similarity to my feelings... esp. schizophrenic thoughts about the situation. Unfortunately IC was not helpful in dealing with the A (she wanted to 'fix' FOO issues first); MC - too few sessions... with not much input from FwH. Certainly pride and shock play into my problem with acceptance too.

It is all so crazy-making. Fake it 'til you make it hasn't worked very well. Coping when FwH is here is so different from when he is working out of town.

Anyway, thanks LTA tribe. I am very grateful for this place to get through a lonely Friday night.

This too shall pass.


Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 5:35 AM, February 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mornin all


Im still struggling with my x moving on. Moreso than the other day as I lost my battle to refrain from snooping & then confronted him. It was pretty ugly. Im very hurt jealous & overall just sad.
He says he started dating this girl a month ago, and exclusively 2 weeks ago. In that time, they have gone to a wedding together & shared a hotel room & talk/text incessantly.
I am an emotional mess.
I'm trying to identify exactly what my problem is. I know despite our separation he & I spent a lot of time together & otherwise communicated a lot. Him wanting to get back together with me was always there. Then all of a sudden it stopped. So I guess I just feel replaced, jealous that someone is getting all the best parts of him, the parts I miss & still love. And that he is developing a relationship with this person so quickly & at a pace that I find alarmingly fast.

I know he is not doing anything wrong.

To his credit he put up with my rant, which was quite extensive & answered more questions than I should have asked. At the end of yesterday's torture session, he said he loves me & would end this to get back together.

I know that if that were to happen, and my emotions settled down, all the same issues would be present. He sees the only issue as having been his continued contact with OW and that is gone now -forever, he says. He thinks its stupid that the reason we separated (OW) is gone yet we are going to be with other people.

I know its not that simple and told him as much, but he just doesnt get it

Anyway, notwithstanding that conversation hes gone back to having nc with me other than kid issues.

Now my other concerns are how this will affect my kids. He is moving so fast, I dont think it will be long before he ibtroduces the kids to her. Which would b ridiculous as he almost never takes the kids, but the issue would be vacations and holidays, I guess.

Ugh hating my life right now.
Trying to stay the course today, not check anything.

[This message edited by Allgoodnamesgone at 5:41 AM, February 8th (Saturday)]


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 6:47 AM, February 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood,

Letís see? Your current H lies to this new foolish woman, tricking her into fucking him, only to tell you he will dump the foolish woman should you ALLGOOD make up your mind to have him back as a husband. Honestly, what has changed with your man? the worst of worst men.

What the heck are you doing ALLGOOD? Dump that POS. What kind of fool are you ALLGOOD?

You picked a bad man to marry, and now too afraid to move on with your own life and be at a good peace with a hard decision.

Let me remind you of what a good man does that did what he did to you.

A man who did evil decided changed. He first told his wife he was so sorry. He admitted it was his mistake. He worked hard on his own, because he did not want to ever, "Be that kind of evil again" He stopped all his bad behaviors. He changed and did things that his wife could now feel pride in him. He showed his new self by inviting his wife to new excitements. He lost that sex neediness.. and it became bonding. He was at peace with himself. He had the strength now to avoid all those who caused misery, by eliminating them from his life. He learned his purpose in life by following his passion... in work.. in life. He knows faith. He knows love is a choice, not a feeling.

Did your H even attempt to change? NO. Don't play the fool ALLGOOD.. that is NOT YOU.

It is waiting for you.. You feel good about success in a simple task no man needed. You love that chase.. men wanting you that bad. You can accept an invitation or not.. depending on how YOU feel. Put your feet up in a warm blanket, a movie, just you enjoying the evening just you.. while the kids are with their father.. at his house. You make your own money, you are secure. You decide what YOU spend money.. and you are so beautiful in a physical way.. I know it, do you?

It's time.. I wish you courage.


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 10:03 AM, February 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Lostsuol! Good to see you. I'm about 4.5 years out, and I'm realizing I'm starting to heal a bit from the betrayal and beginning to look at the reality of the M as it is right now. Perhaps that is what is happening to you? I did find IC to be very helpful with dealing with the pain, but also helping me to look inside to see why I have stayed so long and to help me move forward. Perhaps you may want to try IC again? It sounds like you are in a limbo of sorts. {{{{Lost}}}

LAURA!! So good to see you! I was thinking about you the other day and the wonderful collages you created for us. I hope you are well. Please let us know how you are doing!

{{{{Allgood}}} In a way, your WH and you were still in a emotional relationship because you were still seeing each other a lot because of the kids. I do truly understand how hope can still be there as a small seed, even though logically we know it really cannot come to true fruition. Emotions can be strong. You are doing so very much. You are a single working mother, taking fantastic care of 4 wonderful children. There is no one taking care of you and any little attention you got from xWH seemed to feel so good. I truly, truly understand!!!

The only thing I can suggest is what I'm doing, and it's a process, is to look deep inside and decide can a relationship or M ever really work with xWH as he is now? What would he need to do to change? Can that really happen? I think I finally realized that even if the OW is no longer in the picture, do I really want to be M to NPD as he is? I lived for the "good" times, when he was nice and charming, but now finally realizing and facing the true fact that the "good" times are few and far between and come at a great price and it is not worth killing my spirit and soul.

It's so hard to let go. It's another stage in our process of grief. We want so much what we thought we had, or the possibility of what could be.


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 10:15 AM, February 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just kind of ruminating. I am so very tense that I'm ready to explode. DS 18 still is not home and all NPD does is tell me how it's my fault and older DS's fault. I'm not engaging, I'm trying to stay out of the same room as him, but he will bring it up here and there. Sometimes I will answer him and then walk away. Ironically, NPD is staying longer than usual, I think it's because of a business order and that he is trying to outwait DS18 to see if he'll come home.

Older DS's keep accusing me of choosing NPD over them, but I'm working on the finances and things like this don't happen overnight. I know if I tell NPD to leave, he won't.

The main step forward I feel I've really made is that as I've said in my post to Allgood, that even if OW is out of the picture, this still would never work. There will always be a OW here or there. I'm sure he's still talking to another woman on facebook and on the phone. The one he told "I love you". He talks in his sleep, usually in his language, but the other night he said in English, clear as a bell, "You are so gorgeous, more gorgeous than ever. I'll leave Honest and marry you."

Of course when I brought this up to him, he gaslighted like crazy, and I just stopped listening to him.

His lack of empathy, his entitlement, his moods, walking on eggshells around him, trying to please him, etc are things I've always lived with, but like the frog in the boiling water, I put up with the escalating crap for years and years.

Of course, it wasn't always bad 24/7. If it was, it would be easy to leave. He would be charming and nice and sweet, which made me stay.

I can't do this anymore.

I want to live and not survive.

Thanks for listening. Love to all of you.


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 1:11 PM, February 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you tryn for the kick in the ass I needed, lol.

Honest - I know u understand. And . I appreciate your helping when I know you r struggling yourself.

Thank You Both.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 5:22 PM, February 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All good- I'm sorry to read that this new turn of events is causing you so much pain.
I'm just wondering .... Do you think that there is any way that you could see a way for the two of you to get back together?
What kind of requirements would you have? MC? IC for him?
A retreat like Retriouvaille? Changing jobs? Moving to a new house? New state?
I've seen all kinds of situations including a neighbor whose husband cheated on her , got the OW pregnant, they divorced, he married the OW and after a few years begged his wife to take him back and give him another chance( they had 2 kids together).
He divorced the OW and remarried his first wife and he was a model husband! I did not know the back story for many years . I used to marvel at what a doting husband and father he was.
Then when I asked her which anniversary they were celebrating she laughed and told me this story.
They have been married for 25 years now after the divorce.
I think they were married for 7 yrs before the divorce.
Like I said ... There are all kinds of journeys that people are on.
Life is often very unpredictable.

Of course I would never suggest that you consider staying in a toxic and unhealthy marriage.
That would be awful. I'm just wondering if there is enough motivation on his part to really change?


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 6:22 PM, February 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((lostsuol))) i am so sorry you are still in pain from all of this....i agree that you should go to ic....and of course you are uneasy...your ws has never done what you "required" to feel safe.....so basically i think you need to find a way to live with "what is" and not what "could be"....

we spend so much time ruminating over what "COULD BE".....even what "should be"....and as much as our heads know better our hearts tend to take over all thought processes....

and this is where ic can help....help us when our emotions take over and we cannot "see: clearly...or we can see but the emotions are so strong we cannot seem to control ourselves...so we lash out, act out....basically deal with it in an unproductive manner...


(((allgood))) the above pertains to you too dear friend....and of course you are upset...for so many reasons..

1. he "did not" do what he needed to do
2. he "refuses" to take full accountablility for "all" his actions...full accountability including "DOING SOMETHING ABOUT IT"
3. his words mean nothing, his actions say otherwise
4. it hurts because its also rejection....he rejects you and all you offer at the price he must pay to attain it...wants it at HIS price
5. he is moving on whist you have decided not to...and you resent it
6. its not the ow...so no more excuses of "her"....he is seriously moving "past her".....she is a known entity and you knew it would never be anything more then sex...and the biggie....this new girl poses a threat to you and what you still crave and the fact that she could at some point become permanent....

but lets look at this rationally allgood....even if she becomes permament...how much could he care about her if he is willing to "dump" her for you....and if he feels "so strongly" it means that the ow might still at some point down the line "come back into the picture"..basically he is still showing that he not a 1 woman man yet...and you hurt because you want him to have that with you

of course i could be totally off the mark..


honest: listening to him in his sleep had to hurt...let it instead keep you on the path you have finally chosen...and keep moving forward....no more baby steps dear heart...you need to leap and jump...

HELLO LAURA .....have truly missed you....glad you stopped by....i hope you are doing well...


and speaking of stopping by.....any oldies out there that still lurk.....say hello, you'll know how much we love the hello's....

its the goodbyes we all seem to have some trouble with...


(((((tribe)))))

[This message edited by iwantamiracle at 6:27 PM, February 8th (Saturday)]


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 8:55 PM, February 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NJGal - Been there done that. And recently at that as it infuriates me when he tells me that he doesn't understand why I'm made as I told him to date & told him we would not be together. Tells me "this is what you wanted". I've made it more than clear why I had to take that stand - he left me no choice. The emotions just need to catch up to the brain.

Miracle - you are not off the mark. I like the checklist - I do feel rejected & quickly replaced.

I know that if OW was around as a "friend" for years after he says they ended their relationship, she's a fixture. I take no comfort in her temporary absence from his life. I believe he currently believes he wants nothing further to do with her -there's a certain venom in the way he speaks of her that was never there before - so it would appear that they left off on poor terms - Im sure he felt something like rejection when she summarily dropped him to focus on her bf.

And this is what I have said to him - he gets attached so easily - that's what concerns me about this woman. And, this woman, despite what I find to be incredibly poor judgment in sharing a hotel room with someone she just met (to attend the wedding), seems like a regular working mother, someone you could enter your family and introduce to your kids. OW - my kids would never recover if he introduced her to them - even if she tried to clean up - she is just a ho.

It just sucks, sucks, suckety sucks.

As for IC -not a fan. I understand what is at issue and why I feel this way pretty well. I just don't like it. So, it's a matter of staying strong.

I honestly feel that this whole affair business has left me a different person. I am at about 75% of who I used to be.

Reached out to a friend of mine who is a psychologist tho, lol - going out to dinner tomorrow night. Free IC for me.

[This message edited by Allgoodnamesgone at 8:57 PM, February 8th (Saturday)]


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 9:22 PM, February 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All good - it's good to find someone IRL to confide in.
Infidelity is incredibly damaging.
I didn't realize how traumatic it was until I experienced it and then became much more aware by reading on SI etc.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 11:16 PM, February 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

of course this shit has changed you...it has changed everyone on si....its a traumatic life event like njgal has stated....

it changes how you view so many things and worse so many people...even those you haven't met before...it makes you question everything you used to take for granted, question your judgement, question life, question just about everything...and some of the lucky ones have support systems, or a life separate from the marriage...both can be vital in movin on with your life...

i know i am forever changed....but basically at my core i am who i have always been as it will be for all of us....our cores are not changed...shaken, but not changed....its just sometimes harder for some then others to "KNOW" that.....and we question our core....rather then rely on it or call upon it for solace


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 11:22 PM, February 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

oh and as for your ws getting attached so quickly....sometimes its more like habit, or comfort in "knowing" that someone will just be there...does not necessarily mean that he is "attached" not that it really should matter...except of course if he brings her into your kids lives...but its out of your control...and that would be a major step for you in letting go and finding peace knowing that you cannot control it but just deal with what comes of it...sometimes we get so worked up from thoughts that never become reality....and then there are those times when those thoughts do of course become our nightmares....which for all of us i think is too familiar....we have just survived the first major nightmare of infidelity....and then too have more nightmares follow that are because of the infidelity brings more pain and more resentments...

i know right now i have a heap of resentment for pfm...and i would like NOT to have it....because it will breed bitterness in my heart and i don't want to live that...i am hopin because i really don't want to feel that way that once we formally separate and divorce it will ebb....


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 5:18 AM, February 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood..

Why are you hanging on?
Why are you still separated?
What do YOU want? Do you want these feelings? Because what you are doing is causing them.
Is it your fears? over change.. over something that could be worse?
What is your purpose in your own life?
Can you even answer those questions?

You are such a beautiful person is so many ways Be more beautiful... look at yourself first.. what makes me hang on.. to a dream, a plan, that has not gone according to what you wanted..
Change it.

That is what YOU can do.

And get ready for some new experiences.. Make them fun.. rewarding..

A key to happiness! give more and expect less.. face fear head on!

[This message edited by trynhard at 5:20 AM, February 9th (Sunday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 9:40 AM, February 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Miracle - u r correct.

Tryn- I still have feelings for him. As such, i guess that's why i don't feel ready to move on. Not fear, I dont think, but maybe. Not fear of dating, fear of having let him go & regretting it. Fear of how moving on would affect my kids.

I KNOW he is not someone that can fix this mess. He has proven that. Why the emotions are still there, I dont know.

He is moving on & so I will have no choice but to let hope die. Pathetic that these feelings have lasted this long.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 10:19 AM, February 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood: It's not pathetic at all that you have these feelings. It's normal. Although your xH has moved out, because you were seeing him almost every day and he seems to be doing an ok job with coparenting, the hope was still there as a small seed deep inside.
It's extremely hard to let go. It's extremely hard to kill that seed of hope. It hurts like hell. You look at him and see the potential.

Make a decision. It's so very, very hard. If you feel there is the slightest chance of R, make a written list for him, give him a timeline to fulfill it and then be done.

OR

Let go.

And I think the latter is the harder thing to do, especially when we still care for them.

I know you aren't a fan of IC, but I found that talking to someone IRL who I know is objective can help sort out my feelings. It doesn't have to be about going into FOO issues, it's about dealing with the present situation and helping you through it.


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 3:51 PM, February 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

allgood: of course you still held on to hope...how could you not...think about it rationally...the ow, as much as she was still in the pic...she for him is all about the sex...and all along he is still tellin you how much he loves you and wants you back...

then he is there daily, interacting with you as family

so of course you would hold on to a little hope...especially when he did go balistic when you started dating....so you held out hopin he would wake up and smell the fucking coffee...instead though...he keeps doin the instant shit and so the coffee is second rate....but still you hope because you really had no reason "not to"....even though your head knew and knows what your heart is not willing to face....

emotions are not controllable in the way we would benefit....they are controllable though with proper conditioning...and taking steps to withdraw...and withdraw you MUST!!!!

and i do think you SHOULD go back to dating....i think it could serve as an adventure for you....and do not look for anyone looking for a serious relationship...you are not ready for that...but you should def find someone who just wants to have
"FUN"

i think growin up on disney movies has ruined us...we still expect that our hero will ride in and save the fucking day...that and growin up with the "brady bunch" mentality..that all can be solved, fixed and live happily ever after....its hard to let go of our dreams...

BUT and its a BIG BUT....we need to dream new dreams...have new goals.....new reasonable expectations of life....its important to have that....humans need to work toward something...always...whether it be a happy relationship (which is work all the time) or even just finishing a project...its important for growth to keep setting new goals and working toward them


happy sunday peeps


(((tribe)))

and honest...i kno you have lots goin on..so keep postin dear heart..it will help keep you sane in an insane sich


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 5:53 PM, February 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Double post

[This message edited by Allgoodnamesgone at 5:55 PM, February 9th (Sunday)]


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
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