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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: WS Fog - When did yours lift toward AP?
pastthelies
♀ Member
Member # 39269
Stop  Posted: 4:24 PM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am the WS and was in a 5-yr LTA which was long distance and consisted of calls, texts, and trips. I know most people say that these relationships are not real and I get that they are not real in the sense of living day-to-day life but they are as real as having a LTR across country (difference is sneaking). The friendship that has grown is real and the feelings are definitely real.

I know on here that most people say they were chosen because the WS stayed with them. I don't always believe that. Sometimes people stay because it is easier. I do believe people stay for children/businesses/money and fear vs. staying because they actually want to. In fact i would bet a lot of people do stay for those reasons (more than are willing to admit it). I know my AP and I are staying for the above reasons. We love each other but can't be together because of distance (not being able to see children daily), young children, business, and finances. If there were not young childern we would not have stayed.

We have been NC for almost 8 months. Still painful and hard every single day - the friendship, communication, and chemistry were real - can't just make it go away or disappear. When do you stop thinking about your AP. When do you stop caring or wondering about someone who was your best friend for years?

My home life has improved a lot. My husband and I get along, spend time together and do not normally argue, we have an active sex life and I love him as a person and a father. I just have no attraction -I go through the motions and I always feel I am with the wrong person.

For someone who was in a loving LTA - When does this end or change? When do you give up and fully enjoy the person you are with, the life you have and all the things you should be grateful for? Can you or did you find it was best to move on even if you were alone?


Posts: 64 | Registered: May 2013
OktoberMest
♀ Member
Member # 34173
Default  Posted: 5:43 PM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When do you give up and fully enjoy the person you are with, the life you have and all the things you should be grateful for?

When you choose to.

[This message edited by OktoberMest at 5:44 PM, October 18th (Friday)]


Me: FWW (35) Growing up at last.
LonelyHusband: BH (41)
Dday 1: 29/Oct/11; Dday 2:15/Nov/11; last TT 15/Mar/12
In R...working my arse off.
When you're struggling with commitment to your marriage, just imagine what it's like to be a penguin.

Posts: 558 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: UK
Clarrissa
♀ Member
Member # 21886
Default  Posted: 10:29 PM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IMO, you still have a romanticized view of your AP. Since it was an LTA with few face to face meetings, you aleays got "the best" part of him. It was always the "first date" when you met up. Both of you were on your best behavior and put on your best face. But the thing you seem to be ignoring is he *knew* you were M (unless you somehow managed to keep him in the dark for 5 years) so what kind of friend - what kind of *person* - knowingly gets involved with someone who is already in a committed relationship? Certa8nly not a friend. A friend would have told you there couldn't be and *shouldn't* be anything more than a friendship.

And why should your H have to compete with those memories, even if, *especially* if he doesn't know he's competing? Because he is and in your mind he's losing. And honestly, how could he possibly win against your view of the "best face forward, perfect first date" AP when he's living the day to day, bills, work, problems of real life? You're not being fair to him and that's not what R is about. If you feel like you're with the wrong person, do your H the courtesy of telling him and letting him go.


BH Cee64D - 48
WW (me) - 49


All affairs are variations on a theme. No one has 'Beethoven's 5th' to everyone else's 'Chopsticks'.


Posts: 5890 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: A better place
JustDesserts
♂ Member
Member # 39665
Default  Posted: 11:36 PM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My home life has improved a lot. My husband and I get along, spend time together and do not normally argue, we have an active sex life and I love him as a person and a father. I just have no attraction -I go through the motions and I always feel I am with the wrong person.

How selfish, cruel, and contradictory your words seem.

You and your AP cavorted on the Island of Misfit Toys for so long your sense of right and wrong are distorted.

Your husband deserves to know the truth about how you feel, and how he is being used so badly by you. Poor guy.

IMHO, and bluntly.


2 year EA/PA. DDay 3/12. Broke NC 6/13 w/one stupid 5 line e-mail (which brought me to SI). Me: WH, 50. Her: BW, 49. Married 19 years. Two kids. Dog. Reconciling...together.

Posts: 403 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Suburbia, New England, USA
pastthelies
♀ Member
Member # 39269
Default  Posted: 1:13 AM, October 19th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thanks for the replies! when i choose to and being unfair are good answers! i asked for ws not bs and i got one n

Posts: 64 | Registered: May 2013
pastthelies
♀ Member
Member # 39269
Default  Posted: 1:19 AM, October 19th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sorry phone issue- got one bs response u r on other side don't understand- both painful but u didn't have to choose! u have no clue! whats best for u as a person vs whats best for kids and family? bs usually ends up best because of kids and money not because the ws loves their life- they r scared!

Posts: 64 | Registered: May 2013
SandAway
♀ Member
Member # 37775
Default  Posted: 6:40 AM, October 19th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

got one bs response u r on other side don't understand- both painful but u didn't have to choose! u have no clue! whats best for u as a person vs whats best for kids and family? bs usually ends up best because of kids and money not because the ws loves their life- they r scared!

Is this comment directed to Clarrissa? You are right in that you asked for WS responses only, but beyond that, she is still correct.

Your still romanticizing everything about your A - EVERYTHING! Does your BH know how you are feeling about your AP? Does he know that you still consider your AP your best friend; that you are simply going through the motions when your with him? I agree with JD - how cruel is that!

If you are staying with your BH because it is easier; because of the kids & money - your still living a lie. Your BH does not deserve to think your 'all in' when you still have one foot out the door. You cheated on him for 5 YEARS!! He deserves the truth from you. Tell him how your feeling, don't let him continue living a lie.

Are you in IC? Have your read any books? I suggest that you go down to the 'I can relate' forum and read the Betrayed Men & Long Term Affair threads. They will both help you understand the depth of what you have done. Until you can understand that, you can't even begin to heal.

Remember, you AP didn't love you; he used you.


fWW
BH Tred
M 16yrs
DDay Nov. 2011

Guns don't kill people; Affairs kill people


Posts: 436 | Registered: Dec 2012
SandAway
♀ Member
Member # 37775
Default  Posted: 6:53 AM, October 19th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wanted to add...

u didn't have to choose! u have no clue! whats best for u as a person vs whats best for kids and family?

REALLY??? That is such a fucked up comment!! You think a BS doesn't understand because they were faithful and never broke their vows? Our BS have all chosen to stay married to us rather then D. Go read other threads on SI and see how hard it is for BS's that CHOOSE to stay married and work on R.



fWW
BH Tred
M 16yrs
DDay Nov. 2011

Guns don't kill people; Affairs kill people


Posts: 436 | Registered: Dec 2012
Clarrissa
♀ Member
Member # 21886
Default  Posted: 8:08 AM, October 19th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just wanted to respond to your original question about the fog. For me it lifted *very* quickly when I let myself see what I'd done to my H.

You're still in the fog. You're not *letting* yourself see just what you've done to your H.

Ask yourself this question - would your AP take you in if your H gave you the boot or would he give you reasons and excuses for why it wouldn't work? Consider your answer carefully. I know you're thinking "Of course he'd take me in" but would he really? Since it was a long distance LTA, you really have no clue what he's like or who he's with when you're not there. I thought my AP would take me in but, when I asked he avoided directly answering the question. My AP was not a "great guy" and neither is yours.

The reason you don't "feel anything" for your H is your comparing him to the romanticized version of your AP. R *will not happen* if you continue to do this. And the fact that your H *chose* to give you a second chance proves how strong he really is. Are you strong enough to make the choice to leave or make the choice to give up your "friend" and commit to fixing yourself and helping your H heal? There's no middle path here. It's either one or the other.


BH Cee64D - 48
WW (me) - 49


All affairs are variations on a theme. No one has 'Beethoven's 5th' to everyone else's 'Chopsticks'.


Posts: 5890 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: A better place
Card
♂ Member
Member # 23667
Default  Posted: 12:09 PM, October 19th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WS Fog - When did yours lift toward AP?

I was in a nine month affair.
My wife kicked me out early on, so I was living life without her and our kids. The fantasy was ended and I realized after months of being in my A how many things my wife did for me, how much she really loved me, how much my AP didn't really belong, etc.

The fog lifted one day and I ended my A.

I apologized to my wife, and asked if she would consider restoring our marriage. She said no, she had recently met someone else and didn't know if she could be with someone, like me, that had willfully created this much damage!

The fog lifted for me, and I decided to do whatever it took to never enter back into the affair regardless of my wife's final decision. It had destroyed my character, my wife's love for me and our children's trust.
My affair was a cruel, indulgent, self entitled relationship that never did anything to build me into the man God called me to be.

The fog lifted when the scales fell from my eyes and I could see.

I once was the man that walked out of a storm cellar looking around at all the destruction a tornado had just caused and declared; Isn't it grand that the storm ended, now we can get back to normal.....
I'm so glad I'm not that man any more!

We have been NC for almost 8 months.

Have you eliminated every form of contact?

Do you have anything the OM gave you? Any Keepsakes that are still triggering you?

Are you still sneaking a peek at any photos you have hidden away?

Are you still going out on facebook and checking up on OM?

So many waywards hang on to things, sneak peeks, check up on, and keep the affair alive by doing theses.... And then wonder why their love for their spouse hasn't returned.

Are you doing any of these, or anything else to keep your low burning flame lit for your OM?

[This message edited by Card at 12:14 PM, October 19th (Saturday)]


WH (me)
BS (her)

D-Days April - Oct. 2007 Recovery started Nov. 2007

"Found Myself", I was right there in my shoes all along!
Search for self called off!

Why Repentance Is Necessary? Because Undeserved Mercy Empowers Entitlement/Sin


Posts: 570 | Registered: Apr 2009
pastthelies
♀ Member
Member # 39269
Default  Posted: 1:58 PM, October 19th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all for taking the time to respond and help. I have a lot of work to do and you have given me many things to think about. some i didn't want to hear, made me a little angry for a moment or two but i did need to hear it.

i do still have a few items hidden away and check up. i need to throw away and not care to look or waste time on that. That time should be spent enjoying the great man my husband is.

I did not have a dd, my husband does not know.

Thank you - good to hear suggestions and get direction from others who have lived this.


Posts: 64 | Registered: May 2013
SurprisinglyOkay
♀ Member
Member # 36684
Default  Posted: 2:22 PM, October 19th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I did not have a dd, my husband does not know.

The quickest way to lift your fog would be to tell your husband.

It's not fair for him to live with partial truth about your life together.

Tell him. Better he hear it from you than for him to stumble on it.


FWS me 36 (recovering addict)
BS him 39 AFrayedKnot
Together 7 years
2 children


"Your secrets keep you sick"


Posts: 1134 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: 221B
JustDesserts
♂ Member
Member # 39665
Default  Posted: 4:56 PM, October 19th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What Broevil says ^^^^


2 year EA/PA. DDay 3/12. Broke NC 6/13 w/one stupid 5 line e-mail (which brought me to SI). Me: WH, 50. Her: BW, 49. Married 19 years. Two kids. Dog. Reconciling...together.

Posts: 403 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Suburbia, New England, USA
Alyssamd24
♀ Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 7:00 PM, October 19th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My A wasn't longterm...it was only about 10 months long but it was more of an EA than a PA.

My fog lifted when I realized my AP had lied to me about telling his BW, and made up a story about how she was so upset and hadnt stopped crying all day and he was so worried how it would affect the baby (she is pregnant with their second).

It lifted further when I found out he told awful lies about me to his wife about how I made everything up and was blackmailing him. All in an effort to save himself from dealing with the truth. This all happened two weeks after he told me he loves me and always will.


I agree with the others who said what you are doing to your husband is cruel....he deserves not only to know the truth but also to be with someone who wants to be with him for HIM.....not just because the AP lives far away and young kids are involved


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 842 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
Clarrissa
♀ Member
Member # 21886
Default  Posted: 7:29 PM, October 19th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just want to emphasize what Alyssa said. At this point, you're "choosing" your H because he's convenient, not because he's the one you really want to be with, because "it's better for the kids". That, my dear, is bullshit. Do you not think your kids see what's going on? Kids know a hell of a lot more than they're given credit for. They may not know exactly *what* the problem is but they know there's a problem, even if they can't articulate it. Call it a gut instinct, call it what you will. Kids have an excellent bullshit meter, one that rivals the BSs here.

You're not being fair to them or your H by living at home and going through the motions all the while pining for your AP.

Just let me reiterate that since yours was a long distance LTA, you really don't know this person. He can portray himself as anyone you (or he) wants. It's remarkably easy to do when the primary mode of communication is nonvisual.


BH Cee64D - 48
WW (me) - 49


All affairs are variations on a theme. No one has 'Beethoven's 5th' to everyone else's 'Chopsticks'.


Posts: 5890 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: A better place
pastthelies
♀ Member
Member # 39269
Default  Posted: 8:02 PM, October 19th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My LTA started as an EA for 15 months before it became a SA for 4 more years. I feel like i did know him and i do miss him but its getting better daily. I see a lot of things clearer about him and the person he is and the lies! i was not the pursuer i was the person who fell for it. At the time my husband and I were having issues and i felt totally unappreciated and taken for granted. Never meant for this to happen and if you knew me i was the least likely person to ever do this, a couple friends who have known me my whole life agree. But it happened!

For a while a couple years back things were very tense here-the kids knew and felt it. Now they say its gone and everyone is getting along. We both finally stepped up and they are good now. I have been trying, we communicate, have date nights, spend time with the kids- my problem seems to be the attraction part. It has been for a while, it is getting a little better and i will follow some suggestions to try to improve it further!

One thing I can say about my husband and the thing i really believe is that he loves me and has my back. Feel bad because i didn't have his for a while there! i do love him, hes a good person but just don't have that in love feeling! Maybe i am just giving way too much credit to the a and the feelings?

I miss my AP, after 5 yrs how do you not? I want to stop and not care, i want to become indifferent. How??

I do want things to work here at home and want us to be like we used to. I know i need to let go of the ap in my mind and stop giving it so much credit or worth! When i look now it wasn't worth much just heartache! What i have here is priceless and I turned into the one who started taking it for granted.


Posts: 64 | Registered: May 2013
floridaredman
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Member # 15122
Default  Posted: 8:59 PM, October 19th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In the long run, you will see that the affair was so not worth it.
The husband and family you took for granted could be lost for fleeting moments of selfishness.

All the time you spent fawning, planning and pining for the OM was time you could have spent getting reacquainted with your husband.

Marriage is more than just an " in love" feeling. Marriage means having a best friend you can go through the rough times and good times with, supporting each other all the way.

It's more than just feeling romantic..it's standing the test of time through trials and tribulations.

It's talking and communicating and knowing no matter what..love is there whether you feel it or not.

What could the OM give you except false hopes and big dreams. All in all it was an escape. An outlet from your normal life.

Blame it on your BH for not feeling "in love" with him all you want, but in the end it will boil down to you looking for something extra..when all along what you needed was at home.

[This message edited by floridaredman at 9:05 PM, October 19th (Saturday)]


The simplest thing can be the hardest thing to do....FRM

Posts: 2496 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Florida
breakingpoint
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Member # 40963
Default  Posted: 9:27 PM, October 19th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The fog comes from lingering fantasy. If you tell your husband, the whole thing looks completely different to you. Its like you are looking at it for the first time.
The reality gets inserted into the fantasy and it is shattered.

Posts: 115 | Registered: Oct 2013
Clarrissa
♀ Member
Member # 21886
Default  Posted: 7:38 AM, October 20th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just for the record, I'm the WS in my sitch. It seems a couple posters on this thread thought I was the BS.


BH Cee64D - 48
WW (me) - 49


All affairs are variations on a theme. No one has 'Beethoven's 5th' to everyone else's 'Chopsticks'.


Posts: 5890 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: A better place
SurprisinglyOkay
♀ Member
Member # 36684
Default  Posted: 8:27 AM, October 20th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I miss my AP, after 5 yrs how do you not? I want to stop and not care, i want to become indifferent. How??

Once again, the quickest way out of this would be to tell your husband.

When the reality of what you have done looks you right in the face.

Pop your A bubble. Let it out. Then you will be able to move on.

I believe by keeping it secret you are setting your self up to do it again.

When the guilt and shame become so big that they overwhelm you.
I'm speaking from experience. I kept my first A a secret for a long time, and it haunted me until I told my BS.
It was the most freeing experience of my life.

Look at my tag line, "Your secrets keep you sick".

You are harming yourself by not telling.


FWS me 36 (recovering addict)
BS him 39 AFrayedKnot
Together 7 years
2 children


"Your secrets keep you sick"


Posts: 1134 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: 221B
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