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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Thank goodness I found out
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 8:33 PM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was putting our boys to bed tonight and thought of D-Day. Maybe I subconsciously triggered bc I found out just after putting our boys to bed. But, there it was, the actual moment of finding the bday card, opening it up and seeing her name with a little heart beside it. My heart fell and my face burned red. My brain was screaming, "no! no! no!" going into denial, trying to come up with an explanation bc that is what brains do when faced with too much awfulness at once.

Anyway, as I was laying there with my boys tonight I started thinking about how grateful I was to have found that card - to know. I can't even imagine going through life with this secret between us and I doubt we would have made it in the long run.

So for all the lies that have been revealed since Dec. For all the pain from those lies, the thousands of tears that poured out all over me, for all the aimless drives I took and the way my voice sounded when I cried and screamed things at him, in spite of all that shit, none of it is as bad as me NOT knowing.

Whatever brought me to that card that night was Divine as far as I am concerned. Thank goodness I know.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2322 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
catlover50
♀ Member
Member # 37154
Default  Posted: 8:54 PM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Here, here, LA44.

I got an anonymous letter 18 months after the A ended, and although it was mean-spirited and filled with lies I would still like to thank the bitch who sent it!

We actually celebrated the anniversary of that day as our Authentic Life Anniversay.



Dday -9/24/2012
Reconciling

Posts: 1735 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 8:58 PM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We actually celebrated the anniversary of that day as our Authentic Life Anniversay.

That's taking back the power catlover50!


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2322 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
jo2love
♀ Moderator
Member # 31528
Red  Posted: 9:15 PM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

catlover50 -

You have a pm.


Posts: 35415 | Registered: Mar 2011
Skan
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 11:08 AM, October 19th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In spite of all of the pain it's caused me. In spite of all of the tears. In spite of all of the physical and emotional anguish, the days spent numbly wandering in circles, the nights spent walking through the house at un-godly hours. In spite of the anger, depression, TT, gaslighting, tearful nights both alone and holding each other. In spite of everything, I would not go back to that person I was, 2 minutes before I picked up his phone and got suspicious, that person I was 3 seconds before I opened up his computer and started reading.

That person is dead. And while there are regrets as to the manner of her demise, I would far rather be the person that I am today.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4857 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
TheAmazingWondertwin
♀ Member
Member # 40769
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, October 19th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

^^^^^ all of that, ditto for me.
I don't know who that woman was before I found out- but thank goodness I did. For both of our sakes.
It has been tough, but I am so grateful for the new foundation we are laying.
I am more aware, more courageous and more honest than ever before.
I value me. And this new person is doing everything she can to be authentic. No more hiding, no more guessing, no more waiting for the other shoe.
I am surviving this- I will survive this.
And I'm pretty damn proud of me.
And all of us.


Everyday is a new day, some good, some bad.
Me- BS 39
Him- FWS
14 years- 2 middle school children
DDay- 07-24-2013
NC broken from August 6- 24, 2013
Avalanche of Truth on November 14, 2013
Length of A: June 10th to Dday- with broken NC

Posts: 474 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: East Coast
toughernow
♀ Member
Member # 40915
Default  Posted: 12:59 PM, October 19th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Skan and LA44

I hear you loud and clear. I too am glad that I know. I am sorry that my fWH had to do such a destructive thing to our marriage, but I am glad I know. I deserved the truth. He needed to face the consequences for his actions, and not just the guilt and regret that comes with knowing he had done it. I found out 8.5 years after the fact and it still hurts. There is no way that fWH would have changed his attitudes or tried to become a better person without me knowing. He was not engaging in A's but he had not taken a good hard look at himself until I and all those close to us knew. Secrets in a marriage are toxic. They create an un level playing field that puts the secret holder in a position of power over the one being kept in the dark. This secret clawing its way out has forced him to face who he really is ( I think he still has some work to do, but don't we all?). It has also forced changes in me, some god some bad. I no longer take a back seat in this "new" marriage. I have become stronger.


BS (Me) - 47
WS(Him) -48

Married 23 years - together for 29 years


DDay - June 10th 2012 then TT'd-June 2012 - July 2012 (and beyond????)
2 amazing children

"Understanding love is one of the hardest things in life." - Fred Rogers


Posts: 98 | Registered: Oct 2013
lost_in_toronto
♀ Member
Member # 25395
Default  Posted: 1:25 PM, October 19th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can't even imagine going through life with this secret between us and I doubt we would have made it in the long run.

I completely agree. I know the secret would have driven my WS away from me, and turned him in to a person I wouldn't want to know. The truth is devastating...but at least it's the truth.

Although I really miss the me from before the A. I miss how sure I was of the world.


Me: BS/39
Him: WS/37
DDay: August 23, 2009
Together 14 years.
Reconciled.

Posts: 1670 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: not toronto anymore
toughernow
♀ Member
Member # 40915
Default  Posted: 2:30 PM, October 19th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I sometimes wish that I could go back to being the woman I was before all of this , but I know thats not possible. I think my DNA haas changed.

I try to focus on figuring out what gifts I have been given. I refuse to believe that all of this pain and heartbreak has been for nothing.


BS (Me) - 47
WS(Him) -48

Married 23 years - together for 29 years


DDay - June 10th 2012 then TT'd-June 2012 - July 2012 (and beyond????)
2 amazing children

"Understanding love is one of the hardest things in life." - Fred Rogers


Posts: 98 | Registered: Oct 2013
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 2:35 PM, October 19th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I refuse to believe that all of this pain and heartbreak has been for nothing.

Me too, toughernow! I gulped when I read that you found out 8.5 years after the fact. Wow! I was only one year out and sometimes found it challenging to "rebuild my story". I can't imagine your task.

I am surviving this- I will survive this.

Yes you will WT. Here's to all of us!


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2322 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
toughernow
♀ Member
Member # 40915
Default  Posted: 2:51 PM, October 19th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

YES!

Here's to all of us! Those of us who are willing to walk through the fire and face the pain head on.
Here's to those of us who have conducted ourselves, in our relationships, with integrity, devotion and honesty. Reconciliation is not for weaklings.


BS (Me) - 47
WS(Him) -48

Married 23 years - together for 29 years


DDay - June 10th 2012 then TT'd-June 2012 - July 2012 (and beyond????)
2 amazing children

"Understanding love is one of the hardest things in life." - Fred Rogers


Posts: 98 | Registered: Oct 2013
Dreamland
♀ Member
Member # 40488
Default  Posted: 10:29 PM, October 19th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Here here To all of us... Agreed I hate what we have gone threw but I am glad that I picked up his phone that day when it buzzed and she had sent him a text. We were heading along the wrong path and would not have made it most likely if I wouldn't have found out. He is truly remorseful and I am truely sorry that I wasn't able to give him what he needed that "whatever" to have reminded him to keep his boundaries and promise we ended up creating the perfect storm that allowed the A.
So yes many days I want the old me back but I am stronger and viligent and don't take anything for granted nor at face value.


Me-BS 50 Him-WH 47, DD17
Together since 1993, Married 19 yrs
DDay 3/12,4/12,7/12 EA-PA OW - 25 single husband chasing bastard whore

Posts: 515 | Registered: Aug 2013
undonelife
♀ Member
Member # 38421
Default  Posted: 12:37 AM, October 20th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

God I hope I get to this point someday. 8 months in R and I wish none of this had happened. I want that trusting woman back. Most days is just like to go to sleep & not wake back up. Some says I still can't breathe.


Me: BS 53 Him: WH 51
M: 28 years
DDay 11/25/12 TT 9/9/13
OW:20 yrs younger McOW
Kids: 2 teens

Posts: 188 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Dark Hell
forgivingnow
♀ Member
Member # 33549
Default  Posted: 9:12 AM, October 21st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wonderful messages about strength and confidence.

(((undonelife))) It will get better.

toughernow-"I no longer take a back seat in this "new" marriage. I have become stronger." This is so true.

LA44-"I can't even imagine going through life with this secret between us"
Now that the truth is out and he is being authentic and working on himself and owning it & we are working on us our relationship is better than I ever imagined it could be.

You get to the point where knowing the truth is good, even when it feels like knives in your chest, because you can't build a wonderful relationship on lies.


Me-BS 51
FWH-51
M 31 yrs.
Dday 3-19-11, TT 10/2011, Full truth July 2013
Strength comes from within. You can't get it from someone or go somewhere to get it. It is already here, waiting to be used when you need it most. Believe in yourself.
R

Posts: 614 | Registered: Oct 2011
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 11:36 AM, October 21st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think I'll ever see a good reason for this, but of course YMMV.

I go back and forth on this. I wish it never happened. Since it did, however, I think the earlier I learned about it, the better. My W could have kept it a secret, could have worked it out in IC, but I just think it would have cast a pall over our M until the end of our lives. Not good.

BTW, one of the reasons I always quickly discarded any thought of cheating was that I didn't think I could hide it, and I knew instinctively that revealing infidelity would hurt much more than the philosophies I grew up with say it would.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10167 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
devasted30
♀ Member
Member # 39439
Default  Posted: 11:52 AM, October 21st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I too am glad I found out.... BUT, I sure miss the innocent, trusting person I use to be. I felt so loved, so cherished, so coddled - I miss that. It was all a big fat lie and that's what hurts the most. Oh, I know he loves me - and he did then (isn't that one hard to believe) and I know it was him that was broken along with our M, but boy, I miss the mirage I had of my life with him. Na´ve - yes. But, sometimes...............

Posts: 1230 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Ontario, Canada
LoveActually
♀ Member
Member # 31030
Default  Posted: 1:15 PM, October 21st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Whatever brought me to that card that night was Divine as far as I am concerned.

Wow^^^this for me too! I literally cried out to God on the morning of d-day to help me figure out what was wrong with my husband/my marriage. That night I saw his phone blinking on the nightstand and I picked it up and clicked on a long distance number, there was a whole long list of numbers but I chose that one out of all the choices. There it was--the answer--a text from the OW saying "I love you". Until your post, I never really thought about being thankful for finding that text that night--but I am so thankful! That moment changed everything; the dirty little secret ended right there--my life and marriage and the future of "us" was back in my control with a click of a button. Granted that last 4.5 years has been the hardest mountain I have ever climbed--sometimes he has had to carry me part of the way, but I'm so happy that I can say we are almost to the top and doing better than ever.


BS (Me)
WS (Him)
D-Day 5/29/09
Married 11 yrs, together 16 yrs

Posts: 775 | Registered: Jan 2011
angerisme
♀ Member
Member # 37672
Default  Posted: 1:17 PM, October 21st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Amen LA44....how correct you are! Divine intervention is real.

Posts: 174 | Registered: Dec 2012
strongerdaybyday
♀ Member
Member # 40264
Default  Posted: 1:20 PM, October 21st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

catlover
We actually celebrated the anniversary of that day as our Authentic Life Anniversay.

^^LOVE THIS^^


LA44

Whatever brought me to that card that night was Divine as far as I am concerned. Thank goodness I know.

For me it wasn't a card but I'm still glad to know. Before Dday I thought we were miserable, going throught the motions of marriage, neither of us really happy. Then WHAM Dday. And as MUCH as it hurt (and still does) I realized how much I loved him - and he realized the same. We were two fools that didn't realize who/what we had and how easily it could have been lost. We work MUCH harder and have a lot of work to do. But I'm glad that I know.


Me-BW Him - WH
Married 6 years, together 13+ years
D-Day Summer 2013
children-3
If it is what it is then what is it?

**If I edit I'm correcting a typo!**


Posts: 384 | Registered: Aug 2013
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 1:30 PM, October 21st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Glad to see members still adding to this thread.

And as MUCH as it hurt (and still does) I realized how much I loved him - and he realized the same. We were two fools that didn't realize who/what we had and how easily it could have been lost.

Truth, Strongerdaybyday


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2322 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
Topic Posts: 21
Pages: 1 · 2

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