Your words resonate with me. I have posted so many times, "what does remorse look like?"
I think that I was hoping what I was seeing was remorse. Others would tell me that I would know, be able to feel it. They were right.
My IC keeps reassuring me that when my h is remorseful, is able to express it to me in a heartfelt way, reassures me consistently and over time that then I will not have to hold on to the pain so tightly.
He reinforces that those words and actions will help to heal me and that I will feel it when it is real.
There are times when I know that I am consumed by all the pain. I know that there are things that I can do for myself to stop or at least lessen my pain. The doing seems to be the hard part. When you are in the depths it is hard to remember that there are things that will help.
Sometimes though it is necessary to just feel it though. I find if I fight it I get worse.
H has been very defensive and not very comforting until just the last week. I stepped back, was clear once again about what I needed from him for "us" to heal and let him know that if I did not see forward motion from him I really was done.
I really meant it, I could not say that until it was real inside of me. A quote from blakesteele comes to me often, "the pain of same exceeds the pain of change". I got there, it wasn't a conscious decision, it just evolved inside me. I was just there, at that point, naturally.
In the past week, h is beginning to "get it". He has been consistent in his responses to me. He has been comforting and has not once "blamed" me for my feelings.
It really does help. I was beginning to wonder if I was imagining that it would offer relief, but it is real. His shift in attitude is almost tangible, I can feel it, you do know when it is real.
My IC does encourage me to try to not have so many associations with the a. Things such as a certain road traveled. He tells me to tell myself over and over, "it is just a road". He wants me to try to just focus on my feelings and he also encourages me to keep pushing h, bringing up painful things, actions and words that cause me pain.
He also encouraged me to not bring it up when h was not receptive as he was causing more pain. He said at that point to focus on me and the possibilities of my life. I guess the 180.
I do wonder about your IC saying that to you. It is so confusing. I know that when I ache for comfort and reassurance, remorse, it is so hard not to express it and if your h is capable of it you should. Telling him what you need is a gift in itself. It is you taking a risk, exposing yourself to the one that hurt you and then putting it in their hands to do or not do. It does feel like a risk. It can heal or it can cause more pain.
We have been living together since January and h is just starting to help me. That in itself pisses me off.
As to "making yourself feel pain", I call bs. I have heard that from h more times than I can count. I have never wavered on my stance. I tell him I didn't have a choice in the cause of the pain and now I do not have a choice in the feelings created by your choices. They just are.
Maybe talk some more with your IC about what they mean by this statement and what they expect you to do at this point.
I had a hard time living with those statements from my h, but I knew it was his own defences coming into play. If my IC had been saying that to me I would have found a new IC.
It took 3 tries to find and IC that was helpful at all.
Keep posting about this. You have to be sure you are getting the correct help. I have found that a good IC can be a life saver and a bad IC can inflict so much more damage.
I hope for a good day for you.
I hope some of this makes sense.