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New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Wxh caused my social anxiety
Williesmom
♀ Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 9:31 PM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tonight, I went to my mom's house for supper because she had family coming in from all over the country.

I was looking forward to seeing everyone, but......when I'm in a group situation like that, I sometimes just need to leave.

Tonight, I realized that I became like that after the D. During my marriage, I was always the designated driver. We would go somewhere, and my wxh would drink himself stupid and bullshit for hours and hours.

Sometimes, I would be so bored and ready to go. He was so fucking inconsiderate that he would sometimes make me sit for several hours , or I would just leave him to find his own way home.

So, tonight I realized that group settings trigger me because as soon as I think about leaving, I do.

I hate that I feel so socially awkward because of the public humiliation that he put me through.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7769 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
She11ybeanz
♀ Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 9:35 PM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Williesmom))

Its okay sweetie. We all have something that triggers us from the horrible experiences our WS's put us through. I still have the occasional panic attack when I go to a race...wondering if I will run into XWH and MOW there together...as the happy running couple!

Its okay to not be okay sometimes. Its what makes us beautifully human!


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2724 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 9:38 PM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((Williesmom))))


You can call me NIK

"If you carry joy in your heart, you can heal any moment."
- Carlos Santana


Posts: 25744 | Registered: Aug 2011
phmh
♀ Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 9:42 PM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((WM)))

The good news is that we humans are extremely resilient and you can make that part of your distant past as you realize your fabulous, inviting, happy, personable self!


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

Character is destiny


Posts: 3406 | Registered: Dec 2011
jo2love
♀ Moderator
Member # 31528
Default  Posted: 11:33 PM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Williesmom)))


Posts: 35901 | Registered: Mar 2011
Chrysalis123
♀ Member
Member # 27148
Default  Posted: 12:04 AM, October 19th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Williesmom, I am just like you. I never realized it was a trigger until just now, For years he would abandon me at parties or get togethers, where he would get obliterated due to drink and drugs. If I asked to leave he would shame me publicly. I was the designated driver and would sit for hours. I tried to be social but after awhile it would fall flat because his friends were wasted and I did not really get into that. Eventually, I refused to go anywhere with him. I was then called a party pooper. Foolishly, I believed him.

I get it. You and me lived parallel lives.

(((Williesmom)))


Don’t get to the end of your life and find that you lived only the length of it; live the width of it as well. 

Posts: 2708 | Registered: Jan 2010
Bluebird26
♀ Member
Member # 36445
Default  Posted: 5:49 AM, October 19th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

me too. Thing is now I crave peace and quiet. I think I will alone for ever.


"Loving someone should not mean losing you. Love empowers you. It shouldn't erase you. - Thelma Davis.

Posts: 1361 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Australia
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 7:39 AM, October 19th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Its okay to not be okay sometimes. Its what makes us beautifully human!
Beautifully said!

It is okay to not be okay, however....

I hate that I feel so socially awkward because of the public humiliation that he put me through.
Since it is affecting you in an adverse way that you don't want....maybe it is time to do something about it?

Little steps. We overcome things like this (this is actually a type of phobia) by taking small steps.

group settings trigger me because as soon as I think about leaving, I do.
Next time you feel like leaving...try to catch yourself and don't go. Start small. Tell yourself you are just going to stay an extra 5 or 10 minutes. Then allow yourself to leave.

The time after that time...go for 10 or 15 minutes. Just extend the time, and while you are counting down the minutes...engage yourself with someone who is comfortable to you. Is there anyone you can confide in about this that would help you? Next time you have a family get together...is there a family member you can talk to about this? And they can help you work thru it....so that when you are counting down the 5 to 10 minutes, they can keep you occupied and talk to you, or walk with you around the property, or otherwise engage you?

Even if there is no one you feel comfortable talking with....if you give yourself just a small amount of time to stay, you should be able to handle that and just up that amount slowly over time.

[This message edited by NaiveAgain at 7:42 AM, October 19th (Saturday)]


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15291 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
cayc
♀ Member
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 7:40 AM, October 19th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((williesmom)))


"The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved, the pig is committed." -Martina Navratilova
"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 3124 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
Williesmom
♀ Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 8:46 AM, October 19th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I did this last night. I did stay for a few minutes after my initial thought.

But then, my dad came over to join the group, and he drives me nuts. So, triggering + FOO put me over the edge. Ugh


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7769 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
Helen of Troy
♀ Member
Member # 26419
Default  Posted: 2:44 PM, October 19th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey good for you for holding to your boundaries with dad! Be proud of yourself for doing that. Now, what steps will you take to manage or overcome the social anxiety?
You are an intelligent woman and someone I look up to professionally & personally. And so I know you got this!
Mr. WXwilliesmom can go fuck himself. His influence is no longer welcome.
This is what is helping me, it's challenging at times, especially when I am feeling low or triggery; mr WXwgb's point of view or influence no longer counts for anything. I also consider the source: he's a weakling pathetic LOSER. And, I'm no victim.

Posts: 4715 | Registered: Dec 2009
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 3:39 PM, October 19th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Could this maybe be you reclaiming your autonomy and the freedom to come and go as you please instead of being *bound* by someone else's desire to remain?

I think that it's pretty great that now you can just up and leave whenever you darn well want to.

.....but you seem upset, so I must be missing something here......


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8085 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Williesmom
♀ Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 6:19 PM, October 19th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm glad that I am able to just leave when I want, but it upsets me that it feels like a mini panic attack- almost also I NEED to leave. Right now.

The crush of humanity makes me nervous.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7769 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 7:54 PM, October 19th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The crush of humanity makes me nervous.

Why? What makes you nervous? Was the fact that your dad was there part of the problem? Do you also have these feelings when you're in a group of people that are your friends and that you feel comfortable with?


eta: I'm sorry. I'm giving you all of these rapid-fire questions under the assumption that you want to parse this out. And maybe you don't. Maybe you are just upset by it. If that's the case, then just ignore my questions....and here's a {{{{hug}}}}.

[This message edited by gonnabe2016 at 7:56 PM, October 19th (Saturday)]


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8085 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Williesmom
♀ Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 8:28 AM, October 20th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No, it's ok. Any large crowd of people bothers me. All of those conversations, people coming and going...

It's very strange.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7769 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
ladies_first
♀ Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 4:39 PM, October 21st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Would it help you to think of social anxiety in terms of dog behavior?

(Please forgive the following stereotypes if you don't agree)

I think of social anxiety at a small, high-strung "purse poodle", like something Paris Hilton might carry around. The dog is so scared it cowers and almost wets itself when a stranger tries to pet him.

Wouldn't you rather be a big, friendly labrador? Think of a that big tail-a-wagging "pet me. look at me. love me. PET ME!"


Tell yourself you are just going to stay an extra 5 or 10 minutes. Then allow yourself to leave.

Tell yourself you're not gonna piss yourself for 10 minutes -- then put on your best labrador behavior, and go work the room.

I'm serious.

Would would Willie do?


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
Williesmom
♀ Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 5:25 PM, October 21st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That is so funny. Willie is not a Labrador- he's a corgi, which is also a huge people-loving breed.

He does not take NO for an answer- you WILL pet him if he graces you with his charm.

He's also very forgiving, and doesn't take offense at a slight.

I may have to ruminate on this one. My dogs have already taught me so much about life.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7769 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
ruinedandbroken
♀ Member
Member # 29250
Default  Posted: 10:19 PM, October 21st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OMG! The same thing happened to me! I thought I was going crazy. I went to see an old friend and they like to party. They had a houseful. They were all drinking, playing corn-hole, etc. It wasn't out of hand or anything but I knew no one except my friend and I seriously had a panic attack. Like I locked myself into the bathroom and was crying and hyperventalating. I *HAD* to leave. I've never had anything like that happen to me before. :(


“People who cheat feel that life is for the taking, and that everyone deserves happiness no matter what the cost. I must remember these tricks if I ever have my soul surgically removed."
Me: BS 42. Him: WH 41 2 Kids 6&9
Married 14 yrs Together 21

Posts: 1575 | Registered: Aug 2010
Topic Posts: 18

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