[This message edited by deedug at 8:41 AM, October 19th (Saturday)]
In my mind, you are either:
You are married. It is wrong to see others while you're married. If you don't want to be married, get a divorce.
With that disclosure made, I have what I'm sure is a unpopular opinion. I don't think you've cheated from what I've read. I don't think you have been married for a long time or had a real relationship.
I think you wanted an 'exit affair' but that hasn't happened. I think you need to start planning your own exit and part of it isn't beating yourself up about your 'wayward' or 'mad hatter' ways.
I think guilt and remorse is useless in this situation because let's be honest the marriage you want will not materialise.
I may be being unnecessarily harsh, and if that's the case I apologise. But that is my point of view.
I wish you all the luck in the world, but I don't think you need to be lucky to get the life you want.
You wish to continue to enjoy the company of other men, but want to stay M for the kids. That's the pure definition of cake eating.
I won't deny that as a BS and as we deal with this terrible mess have had thoughts of a revenge A. But hopefully we realize we have too much self respect to do that AND we know exactly the damage and destruction this would cause.
As mentioned above you are either M or not! Take to your H, if no response then it's time to leave.
Yeah, that was delusional.
Did your H know you were posting on Craigslist? Did he know you were dating and fucking? Random people, at that. Just from a purely safety point, wth?
Have you gotten STD testing? That is imperative I feel.
You were cheating and you know it. How many of our WS's felt our marriages were "over" so it didn't matter if they cheated? Countless. You divorce or at least legally separate (with intentions to divorce) before you go fucking around.
"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson
And seriously, finding FWB on Craigslist? Do you have a death wish to go along with your newfound lack of morals? How great would your self esteem feel if you were followed home by one of the psychos you found online, and he raped and murdered your children? I mean seriously, there are some insanely crazy people on Craigslist, and they OFTEN troll the NSA section.
If anyone told you you were justified in cheating on your H, then I guess his own affair would have to have been justified as well, wouldn't it? So I guess you should ask yourself, was HIS affair justified? If not, then I guess yours wasn't either.
Seriously, have a backbone and do the right thing. Think about what you're teaching your children, and exposing them to. I wonder how much they'll like taking care of you while you're dealing with advanced stage AIDS because you needed a self esteem fix from a stranger.
I am SO mad right now I could spit.... in case you couldn't tell. This is just disgusting. YES YOU'RE A MAD HATTER!!!!!
Were together 7+yrs, Ended R.
Look I know I haven't gone about this the right way & that I was looking for an exit. I suppose I was coming here to get some support. Some help to move on. I apologize if I angered anyone
You said you have a therapist. Did your therapist know you were answering ads on CL? What did your therapist have to say about that?
Technically, I feel you cheated because you aren't divorced and you are still living together although "separated". Does that mean that you sleep in different rooms?
I don't feel you were justified. As someone else posted, was your H's affair justified? It works both ways.
Yes I told him. And based on my history he felt it was a way for me to get some far over boost to my damaged ego. But he told me to let it go. And that's where I got stuck. And am here now. Trying once again to get unstuck.
As for opening myself up to things on cl. Yeah it was stupid but you are right in that it is telling to the level of my desperation. But please don't feel that I blindly took on anyone with out doing my own research and verifications. And yeah, I've been checked. I'm clean. And they were too. I may be desperate but not 100% crazy.
I want out but am to scared to do it. And that's just the bottom line. Ive done as much as I can to salvage whats left here, if there is anything. But my own lack of self esteem is still holding me back (as you can see).
And to one of the earlier posts, yes you are right, its been over for 10 years and I've just not been able to accept it or do the hard work of getting it done.
And this is why I've come back here for support. This sight has helped me tremendously over the years and I value the opinions on here.
its now that I need the most help.
This is what I am getting from your posts. That you don't feel strong enough for anything. That you need to be "rescued". You don't feel like you can stand on your own two feet.
Yes. You. Can. Easier said than done. Make a list of things that you need to do to move forward with a divorce. Take it one step at a time. First, tell your H that you WANT a divorce, not "think" you do. Second, make an appointment with a divorce lawyer. Doesn't mean you have to file right away. Just go talk to one and see what your rights are. (you don't have to leave and leave your kids)
Make a list and determine to do one thing on the road to divorce list every week. I hope others come along soon to help you. As I am not divorcing, I really am clueless as how to exactly proceed. Have you read anything in the Divorce/Separation forum? There might be some really good advice in there.
I am really sorry that your H didn't step up and truly reconcile with you.
Two things stick out to me. One, did you make sure the FWB's partners weren't married or in relationships?
Second, you told your therapist that you were going to CL's to find random hook ups and he encouraged you to do that? (or, did you mean you told your husband?) If your therapist didn't feel that was not a good thing for you to do, I definitely feel you need a new therapist. What a crack pot! Encouraging clients to use CL for sexual encounters. WTH!
I'm not hearing you admit that what you did was, in fact, cheating. In your profile you indicate how angry you were, when WH was in contact with with an OW during your separation. What makes your situation so different than WH's, or mine, or any WS for that matter?
We listen to the Les Miserables soundtrack a lot in our household. A quote from Lovely Ladies hits me WRT your sitch. "C'mon dearie, why all the fuss? You're no grander than the rest of us."
Weclome to the sisterhood I bet you never thought you'd join, the WWs.