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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Help with parenting plan!
Gemini71
♀ Member
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 9:31 AM, October 20th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well done. Let's hope the courts see the logic of your arguments.


Edited to correct stupid typos.

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.


Posts: 1621 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 1:22 PM, October 20th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you, Gemini! Does anyone else have suggestions on what to add? Note I am being as diplomatic and reasonable as I can, given her allegations in her response. But my reasoning is this: I don't want to show all my cards at this point. Let her come at me with the "mental disorder" BS, and I will produce documentation and defend vigorously, as well as go on the offense. (Of course I will confer with my attorney first.)


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1585 | Registered: Dec 2012
Dreamboat
♀ Member
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 3:49 PM, October 20th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your revised letter is great -- little emotion, overview of the facts with a few details, but not so many details that the main theme gets lost.

The only line I am on the fence about (i.e, whether you should keep it for take it out) is the follwoing:

Crying episodes on the phone when in the respondent’s care, followed by requests to be taken back to my home by him and by the respondent have been frequent in the past year since the respondent’s departure from our marital home, and have only increased in the past three months.

You may consider taking it out because it is likely to invoke a very emotional response from stbx. If you can avoid provoking her then I think the whole process with go more smoothly. SO perhaps this is a detail that you should hold back until it is needed at a later date. Instead perhaps simply say that the past 3 months have been especially difficult for DS and he in particular seems to have a difficult time adjusting. I think that would deliver the message without your stbx interpreting what you wrote as "his mother often makes him cry". You can hold that for later when (somehow I don't think "if" is an option) she starts to fight and get nasty. Then you can pull it out and say "His mother made his cry on x, y, and z dates."

HTH!


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17605 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 4:01 PM, October 20th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I see what you mean, Dreamboat. It is sure to evoke an emotionally violent reaction. But I do want to include it--in your more diplomatic, deliberately vague way. Then when (not if) the time comes I can bring it out--with documentation.

BTW, I have several phone meltdowns by DS on my VAR. Is recording a minor son admissible? Does anyone know? (I'm in Florida)

Thank you!!!


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1585 | Registered: Dec 2012
Chrysalis123
♀ Member
Member # 27148
Default  Posted: 7:08 PM, October 20th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Much improved AD!!!!!!!

In my state they do not care what the opposing party was doing regarding adultery. As long as they are not mutilating children nothing an be done.


Don’t get to the end of your life and find that you lived only the length of it; live the width of it as well. 

Posts: 2624 | Registered: Jan 2010
angerisme
♀ Member
Member # 37672
Default  Posted: 8:07 PM, October 20th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would not mention psychotropic medications UNLESS there is a physician with medical charts to support your claims. MANY competent, loving parents are on "psychotropic" meds making them MORE stable than normal. Your child care plan should be 100% about taking care of the kids as a business arrangement and NOTHING about who did what wrong and which one is a more immoral, awful person. If your children will benefit from a relationship with their mother then do not say hurtful things about it. It WILL come back to hurt your kids instead. From this point on you are in a business relationship with your exwife. Treat her with a bored, distancing that you would a middle aged secretary. Do your job perfectly, be polite, then call someone in your "personal" life. Your exwife is NOTHING TO YOU ANY LONGER EXCEPT HELPING YOU RAISE YOUR HEALTHY CHILDREN.

Posts: 174 | Registered: Dec 2012
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 6:45 AM, October 21st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you!

This will likely be my final draft (of course run by my attorney first):

"My proposed time-sharing plan is 70% of overnights with me, and the respondent 30% of overnights.

Our current arrangement maintains the status quo since the children’s birth. I have been the primary caregiver, as most of the respondent's many jobs over the course of the children's lives required she work excessively long hours, usually into the evening.

I have consistently cared for the children Monday through Friday, with the respondent in the last three months usually arriving from out-of-town work-related travel at either 7:00 PM Thursday or Friday 7:00 PM. She then has had the children from either Thursday or Friday evening through the weekend and sometimes into Monday morning or occasionally Tuesday morning.

In addition, possibly due to the respondent’s unpredictable work schedule, she has frequently changed co-parenting times, often at the last-minute, leaving the children confused and agitated, as it disrupts their schedules and expectations.

This current arrangement is not in the children’s best interest as they need a more consistent, secured schedule as well as weekend “down” time with both parents, not just with the respondent.

My schedule, as a tenured professor, has been consistent for the past 20 years. I teach Monday through Thursday, from 7:00 AM to 2:00 PM. I do not work on Fridays, nor have I worked summers so I could devote time to our children and care for our home and my family. Thus I am and always have been consistently available for the children’s needs. I am always available Monday through Friday before and after school. This will not change. The only occasion in which my schedule differed was from January 2013-May 2013, when I was granted FMLA leave in order to cope with my and the children’s anxiety and distress resulting from the respondent’s leaving the marital home. During this time my devotion to my children has never wavered. I am now back at work full-time and our children are accustomed to being with me the majority of the time in their childhood home.

Due to my unwavering schedule I have, for the overwhelming majority of their lives, taken them to and from daycare when they were younger, and now to and from public school. For the majority of their lives up to and including the present, I have dropped them off at school, and picked them up, and I spend the rest of the day and evening with them, usually Monday through Thursday or Friday.

When they have taken ill, I have consistently and reliably been the one who has stayed home with them, or if ill at school, retrieved them and, if necessary, taken them for the majority of medical appointments.

Again, the respondent’s erratic, changing schedule causes confusion, anxiety and stress for the children. In the past three months the respondent not been able to predict with certainty beyond one, or at the most, two weeks her upcoming work schedule and thus her time devoted to the children. And even then, the respondent has altered child-exchange times, which is not in the best interest of our young children who require a reasonable degree of predictability during such a life-changing event.

Our children respond best to a predictable schedule with the majority of their time home with me, without abrupt changes from either parent. Our DS has especially expressed anxiety resulting from the changes in the family structure and situation. The past three months have been particularly distressful for him and he is certainly experiencing difficulty in adjusting.

It has been clear over the past year—indeed, over their lives—that DS and DD's sense of security and emotional wellbeing is and will be maintained by a consistent schedule living with me in their primary residence for 70% of the time and with their mother in her residence 30% of the time. My reliable and unchanging schedule provide the security and consistency the children need.

I request the children reside with their mother three weekends per month beginning Thursday evening through Monday morning, when she tends to be back in town and available for the children. I additionally propose that additional time with the respondent may also be requested and accommodated as long as these requests follow the parameters of the parenting agreement.

For more specific details, see my proposed Parenting Plan."

[This message edited by Abbondad at 12:04 PM, October 21st (Monday)]


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1585 | Registered: Dec 2012
homewrecked2011
♀ Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 7:14 AM, October 21st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you are going to request the holidays that you want, be sure to include Halloween,either as a shared activity or switch off if you all trick or treat. This year it will be her night, and then for the next 3 years it might be her weekend.


me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 2024 | Registered: Jan 2012
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 7:31 AM, October 21st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, Homewrecked. I will keep this in mind. To be honest, holidays mean very little to me (especially now that I have no family) except as they relate to the kids.

Speaking of Halloween, WW declared her intention of trick-or-treating in our neighborhood with our kids--and then leaving them with me for the night. I am wrestling: do I stay home at all? The kids will be running in and out of the house all evening and will want me to come trick-or-treating.

I certainly don't want to walk around with her and the kids trick-or-treating like a happy family (confusing for the kids, misery for me).

And she will no doubt be attending the neighbors' annual party, as we always did. I will not be there for sure.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1585 | Registered: Dec 2012
Gemini71
♀ Member
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 9:37 AM, October 21st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Someone has to stay home and hand out candy!
Let STBXW walk around with them while you man the fort for the kids.


Edited to correct stupid typos.

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.


Posts: 1621 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
chikastuff
♀ Member
Member # 35288
Default  Posted: 9:50 AM, October 21st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is a business document and should be based on facts not speculations. So for example:

"In addition, possibly due to the respondent’s unpredictable work schedule, she has frequently changed co-parenting times, often at the last-minute, leaving the children confused and agitated, as it disrupts their schedules and expectations. "

Just say:
In the past year there have been frequent and unexplained requests to adjust the children's schedule. This disruption results in confusion and agitation on the part of our children.


Me- 32
Happily engaged and moving on

Posts: 382 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: New England
chikastuff
♀ Member
Member # 35288
Default  Posted: 9:50 AM, October 21st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Also, try for bullet points vs paragraphs of text.


Me- 32
Happily engaged and moving on

Posts: 382 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: New England
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 10:07 AM, October 21st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

*****might wanna remove the names from your post....*****


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 7865 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 12:10 PM, October 21st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

*****might wanna remove the names from your post....*****

Thank you. It was a mistake. I must have missed those....


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1585 | Registered: Dec 2012
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 12:24 PM, October 21st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And she will no doubt be attending the neighbors' annual party, as we always did. I will not be there for sure.

Maybe rethink this. Though in light of recent events, you may be right.

My thought is that they are your neighbors, not hers. She moved. Isn't it possible that they will be called on to testify? Like I said, just mull this one over. It's probably not worth it, but consider the possible ramifications.


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2665 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, October 21st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh vey. I submitted my latest Parenting Plan (posted here) to my attorney and she came back with:

"You're being way too nice and not detailed enough. Include reference to her heavy medication use and psychiatric hospital stay. I also want to enclose your calendar log. We want to overwhelm her."

Back to the drawing board.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1585 | Registered: Dec 2012
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 1:44 PM, October 21st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

. Isn't it possible that they will be called on to testify?

Indeed. In attendance will be all three neighbors who have offered their depositions to me numerous times. They are in law enforcement, have known our children all their lives, and have witnessed firsthand my exceptional parenting abilities, my wife's lack thereof, her frequent absence from our children's daily lives, as well as odd behavior on several occasions.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1585 | Registered: Dec 2012
Chrysalis123
♀ Member
Member # 27148
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, October 21st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You can still present the medication as facts without the emotional overlay.

Remember, you want to look professional, non-vindictive, and sane.


Don’t get to the end of your life and find that you lived only the length of it; live the width of it as well. 

Posts: 2624 | Registered: Jan 2010
Dreamboat
♀ Member
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 5:43 PM, October 21st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"You're being way too nice and not detailed enough. Include reference to her heavy medication use and psychiatric hospital stay. I also want to enclose your calendar log. We want to overwhelm her."

Back to the drawing board.

That just makes me like your L

OK, don't scrap what you have, just add what you need and reference the calendar and attach it. Have you talked with your L about strategy of holding back details and trying to play nice at first to see where it goes? Always follow the advice of your L, but I think it is a conversation you need to have to see where the L is coming from.


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17605 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 6:28 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, Dreamboat.

My lawyer's reasoning is that my WW has already indicated she is not going to play nice, as evidenced in an email to me, filled with blatant lies and vitriol, as well as in her official responsive pleading, in which she states that I "suffer from a disorder" that compromises my ability to make rational decisions on behalf of the children.

Thus she believes we must go on the offensive and hit hard. And it is I who have proof; as far as I know, no proof exists to support her lies.

Have you talked with your L about strategy of holding back details and trying to play nice at first to see where it goes?


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1585 | Registered: Dec 2012
Topic Posts: 42
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