Ok, friends, here is my (rough) draft. Thank you SO much for taking time to read it and offer suggestions/criticism.
I. Introduction
My proposed parenting plan is in the best interest of DS, nine, and DD, six. According to my plan, I would have the children 70% of overnights and WW the remaining 30%. I base this on a number of factors, all beneficial to our children.
This arrangement is nothing new, but merely maintains the status quo—the situation that our children are used to for all their lives. I firmly believe that any change to their lifestyle in the wake of their mother’s adultery, departure from our marital home, and subsequent current divorce proceedings, would affect adversely their emotional well-being. It is crucial that the life they have always known—a life spent most of their time cared for by their Dad—continue as uninterrupted as possible
II. During much of the course of our marriage—and certainly since the children were born—I have been the primary caretaker. WW has typically worked between 50-60 hours per week, particularly in the past three years. During these years, she has travelled out-of-town on numerous occasions and continues to do so with her current job. I typically care for the children Monday through Friday, tending to their needs, working on homework, driving them to appointments and play dates. WW typically arrives Thursday evenings at 7:00 or Friday at 7:00 and has the children until Sunday, Monday, or occasionally Tuesday. Thus she enjoys (some of) the weekend with them, depriving me of “down-time” with my children. I very much want to have one weekend a month with them.
But even this “unofficial schedule” has proven unpredictable, as occasionally at my wife’s request I have had to pick them up Saturday morning or Sunday morning. I typically agree, as it is my pleasure to have them and spend as much time with them as possible whenever possible.
For all of the children’s lives—indeed for the past twenty years—I have been employed in the same position for the same employer and my schedule has remained unwavering and consistent: I teach Monday through Thursday, from 7:00 AM to 2:00 PM. I do not teach on Fridays.
As a result, the children have spent the vast majority of their lives with me, at home. My schedule and indeed my job—will not change in the future, as I am a tenured professor and have incomparable job security. My schedule is determined months in advance and has never once changed, nor is it expected to ever change.
Thus throughout DS and DD's lives, I have been their primary caregiver:
Prior to public school, it was I who nearly always took them to daycare in the morning and picked them up from daycare at the end of the day. During the times when they had a half-day, or when the school was closed, or when they were ill, it was I who picked them up and took them home or to their pediatrician if necessary.
This occurred, again, the vast majority of the time, as my wife was working.
Since they’ve moved on to public school, the situation did not change due to my dependable schedule: I remained their primary caregiver, taking them to the bus stop or to school, and picking them up at 2:00. If they were ill, I picked them up and either took them home or to their pediatrician’s for treatment. Thus the majority of pediatrician visits were my responsibility, as either WW was working or simply declined, requesting I bring them to the pediatrician, expressing that she “could not take it.” The same dynamic occurred at home when we were living together: when one or both were ill, it was I who administered medication at my wife’s adamant request and it was I who often nursed them through the night, lying awake with them feverish.
Again, it was my “pleasure” and responsibility to do so as their dad, and made many a midnight run to the drugstore and on a few occasions to the local hospital and emergency-care office.
My consistent care at home described above was done with WW's enthusiastic and grateful consent and request, as she stated, “You take them…you give them the medicine…I can’t deal with it.” Many times I was able to take days off of work to tend to the children’s needs, as I have accrued hundreds of hours of sick leave. The only time I took an extended leave was under the FMLA act (from January 2013-May 2013). This was to be with the children as much as possible after WW admitted her adultery and left the marital home of her own free will and desire. She left the home when our children were ages eight and six. My FMLA leave, again, was to be with my children, who were distraught, and to cope personally with the destruction wrought by her decisions so I would continue to be a strong father for our children. I sought treatment for coping with this stress and am on very low doses of medication. WW is on and typically has been on heavy dosages of Zoloft, Buspar, and Klonopin—often ingesting five to six milligrams of Klonopin over the course of the day—much to my chagrin and concern--likely contributing to her frequent taking to her bed while I tended to the children and compromising her ability to care for them fully. Through this all, I have been an emotionally stable and rational presence in DS and DS's lives. Their contentment and happiness with me in their childhood home for the majority of the time is a testament to this.
III. My wife’s present employment demands she work long hours, involving nearly weekly travel out-of town. She sometimes takes the children on Thursday evenings, sometimes Saturday mornings. Numerous times WW has unilaterally changed child-exchange times, often at the last minute, leaving our children confused, wondering when they would be with their mom. On several occasions she has failed to inform me (or informed me after an unreasonable amount of time had elapsed after my request for a definite child-exchange time) of the time she would take the children—despite my repeated inquiries. Instead she has informed our son of the time, and I had to find out from him.
This inconsistent, erratic “schedule” determined seemingly at my wife’s whim or at best, her employer, results in great confusion for our children, for they often do not know when their mom will have them—nor when they would return to me: Numerous times my wife has abruptly changed the time the children would return to me at the behest of her employer (I assume), which again requires her to leave town abruptly at their request. This of course results in further confusion and anxiety for our children.
Every time this has occurred I have cooperated and have been happy to take the children back to our home. My wife has also on numerous occasions demonstrated difficulty in transporting our children to their bus stop on time. Again, my schedule never varies—and will never—so DS and DD always know when I will be home, that they will get to school on time, and that I am a stable Dad. WW herself always used to call me “the rock of the family.” I will always be that rock, and the children spending the majority of time-sharing with me will ensure I will continue to be that rock upon which they have always depended.
IV. Many times since WW chose to leave our marital home, DS has called me from WW's apartment extremely distressed and crying, expressing a desire that I should take him home. I have, numerous times since she left our home, and WW actively expressed that I should retrieve him. Thus she has demonstrated she has great difficulty in being with our children for extended periods of time. For at least the past three months (to say nothing of most of their lives), my wife has demonstrated that she is able to spend only approximately 30% if the time with them: much of the time she “has” the children, she is not actually with them, instead going to work, arranging long play dates, or employing babysitters for extended periods of time. I on the other hand, am truly “with them.”
It is therefore best for the children that they be with me the majority of the time.
V. DS and DD, despite the traumatic upheaval resulting from their mother’s leaving the home, have been happiest in their childhood home with me. It is in their home with me that they find emotional stability, security and predictability. In great part this is due to my stable demeanor and rituals. Our routine is firm and fixed; each child retires happily to his and her bed and sleeps through the night, and wake up enthusiastic to attend school. Rarely, if ever to my recollection, have they missed their bus or arrived late to school. I make sure they are “up and out.” When they depart from the bus, I am there. If one is ill, I take off work to be with them (I have many sick days which carry over) and if necessary take them promptly to their pediatrician. I always inform my wife (and always will) of any health concerns. This stability and security have been and will continue to be crucial in their adjustment during this difficult time in their young lives. It is my strong conviction that this not change, as it would be detrimental to them during a very delicate, difficult period.
For the past several months, I have been agreeing that she have time every weekend in order for her to maximize her involvement, but for the long run, I do want some weekends with the kids myself. As I am with them usually Monday through Thursday or Friday, I spend approximately 75-85 hours with them—much of it dedicated to schoolwork and daily caretaking.
Please note that never will I—nor have I ever—prevent our children from being with their mom, whom they love and need in their lives. If she is in town and can see the children, she will have time with her children.
The most beneficial way this will occur is if I have primary—again, as it always has been, unofficially, in their lives.
For details, please refer to my Parenting Plan.
[This message edited by Abbondad at 2:41 PM, October 21st (Monday)]
