Weekends can be slow around here, but many wise folks will be showing up soon.
First, I am so sorry for your pain. No one deserves to have been abused like you have been. Lying, cheating, sneaking, spending your money, and exposing you unknowingly to deadly diseases is abuse.
Please get yourself checked for STD's as soon as possible. Require him to have a work up too.
There are some great posts for people like you in the just found out section of this website. As well as the healing Library. Please check out the Tactical Primer and Posts for Newbies over on Just Found out.
but he really didn't have affairs
Gently, yes he did. It is easy when we are in the shock of just finding out, to minimize what was done to us. What your husband did to you was absolutely horrible, self serving and then to top it off he tried to bully you by threatening suicide.......
So, let's start with you. Please take extra gentle care of you. You need to eat, drink, sleep, and try to get yourself to find joy or laughter every day. Lots of us see counselors by ourselves.....to help with the initial trauma and to get strong. Some of us have gone to the doc to get on Antidepressants (AD's) . All of us that stick around post here like crazy...great help and therapy as well.
If your husband threatens to self harm again, call 911 immediately. Don't tell him you will do this, just have your mind made up to do so. He needs professional help and intervention at that point. And, you did not cause him to threaten that, nor will you be the cause of the any harm to him. So, you call 911, just like you would do if you saw anyone in life threatening danger.
Please keep posting. You are safe here.
1. Some of us are detail oriented, some aren't. I am, as I can imagine stuff that is often way worse than the actual reality. I agree that they hurt, but they're also cleansing for me in ways.
2. You aren't crazy for staying, provided he is meeting your needs and if you, though understandably devastated and hurt, are not staying when you really want to go. If you really want to go, then go. Otherwise, if he is stepping up to the plate, you can work on it and see where it goes.
Affects most of us Betrayed's, especially when relationships have been long.
When it all collapses into a single frame and you see what the person you love is doing, it's very hard to actually see it because it fits with nothing like the reality you believed you were living in.
Her: WW/56 Me: BS/62, 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11
I just found out 1 month ago today that my Husband has been with different women almost from the beginning of our relationship. We were together for 12 years then we married and it took him less then 1 year to have sex with another women.
So your WHOLE relationship.
I had NO IDEA that this was going on he did very well leading a double life, he was going to commit suicide
Sad. Leaving you to clean up HIS mess.
Does he really love you? Or are you the easy safe plan B. The person at home who will be his mother and take care of things. But he goes outside of the relationship for sex?
Just know this is not you. This is him. These are his issues and his problems that he has now slapped down in front of with a big ole shit sandwich. You want to keep being his babysitter?
What is on you is now you know that your whole relationship was a lie. This won't ever be the same or any where never what you thought the marriage was. It won't go back to magical thinking.
What do you want?
Seek IC for help only for you. Very critical to have someone only on your side to help you see clearly.
[This message edited by bh14801 at 12:54 PM, October 19th (Saturday)]
[This message edited by selkiescot at 1:31 PM, October 19th (Saturday)]
You said these things, its all about where you are at in acknowledging what these points mean.
Its a very long journey for a new BS. Keep writing and keep listening.