I knew something was up with my husband recently, he hasn't wanted sex and has been super sweet about some things (found and booked a massage therapist for me when my back was hurting) but a real boob about others (totally didn't back me up when his mom made a wildly inappropriate comment about our parenting choices). He hasn't been sleeping well which is normal when something is bothering him. I just figured he was worrying about the baby again since our second U/S is coming up and he worries about everything. This morning he told me.
He cheated on me. He says he slept with another woman twice in the last two and a half months while he was out of town for business trips. The thing that really kills me, apparently this has all happened since he finally moved up here (we were living in different cities because of my new job and he was taking care of selling our house in the old city). He claims that this only happened twice and he's afraid he's gotten an STD from her. (The first thing I did was take both of us down to the clinic for a blood draw and full STD screen). He says that when he told her they couldn't continue she told him she had viewed the situation as a friends with benefits arrangement (WTF, you knew he's married, you've even met me) and had no intention of pursuing anything further with him.
I'm sure that it's shock but right now I feel like I'm still so angry with MIL that I have no room for anger with him. And he said if I want a divorce he won't fight it. I can tell he felt so guilty that he's lost my trust that nothing I can say will punish him as much as his own guilt (the really sadistic side of me wants to make him give me every detail as punishment). Part of me wants to yell and scream and kick him out and punish him and the other part just wants to gather him up in my arms and tell him I forgive him and that he's gonna have to earn my trust back. I just don't know what to do and I swear if he does an STD that could hurt my baby I will yell and scream but I haven't even said anything to him about that being a possibility (thankfully the doctor took care of letting him know what a bonehead move unprotected sex with two women was and what the consequences of an STD could be for our baby).
He's agreed to go to marriage counseling and agreed to NC with her. He has also promised that the only secret he will ever keep from me again is what he got me for my birthday and Christmas (we'll see how that goes) If the STD screen comes back positive for anything I will be calling her to let her know she should get tested.
I appreciate any advice, and just to be clear I am really hurt (just not angry right now) but I don't want to get rid of him, do want to punch him right now but don't want to get rid of him.
I'm not saying MIL is innocent, but her comments shouldn't be a factor right now but you're focusing on it.
It can be common to focus on something other than the A, or to blame the OW more than the WH because accepting that someone you love could betray you so deeply can be a difficult pill to swallow.
Just some thoughts on your situation, nothing more. I"m very sorry your H has done this, and while you're expecting. How selfish and self serving.
Has he looked into IC or into why he may have such poor boundaries?
Based on your "one kiss" experience, you know what a very thin line can separate faithfulness from infidelity. Your H did something very wrong. It may not be the only time he or you do wrong things. The question is, can you and he make things right.
You may get comments and suggestions here about how terrible his behavior is. And that is true. But if you both can do the heavy lifting necessary to make a marriage work, then I don't think this experience has to doom you. If you and he are not willing to do that difficult work, then this incident won't matter, because you won't make it anyway.
Right now, just concentrate on breathing. That's all that you really should do. I'm sure that you are filled with anger, disbelief, hurt, and every other emotion that can possibly be expressed. And right now, your MILs comments should be the least of your concerns. Your WH and his betrayal of you need to be front and center. She is irrelevant, really. And it is very likely that you are using her as a sort of a whipping-boy, to redirect your rightfully felt feelings of horror, disgust, and disbelief at what your WH has done to you.
He's betrayed you. He's put your health at risk. He's put the life of your unborn baby at risk. All for a casual fuck. Not a nice way to put it, but this isn't a nice situation.
Right now, your only obligation is to yourself and your unborn babies health. It may not feel like it, but I'm betting that you're in shock. That's normal. You need to take care of yourself and your baby first. Eat what you can. Rest when you can. Stay hydrated.
Please spend the weekend reading. Up in the upper left corner, in the yellow box, is The Healing Library. Click on it and start reading. Pretty much any of the articles in this forum with a bulls-eye is also good reading from people who have been there and done that. Knowledge is power. Read up.
I know that things must seem crazy. But in all honesty, you are doing well. You have faced this straight on. Your WH has confessed to you do be aware that you probably don't know everything yet and that is common. You've gone for your STD/HIV tests. And you're talking. You are doing very well, although I know that you probably don't feel like it.
Keep coming back often for support. We're all here for you. (((hugs)))
D-Day, June 10, 2012
I disagree, focus on how you can confront her and set boundaries. It's important in these times to empower yourself.
The intensity of anger, hurt and sadness will happen soon enough. You may be the explosive type, that's completely okay too.
Individual counselling is paramount as well.
Be kind to yourself