He asked me if we are going to count it as our 5th or 6th since we lost most of this last year while I was still involved with the A.
What have other couples done in this situation? Do you count the A time?
We are also trying to prepare ourselves now for Christmas and New Year's, since that when d day was last year
I think many BS here did not want to celebrate anniversaries, esp. in the beginning.
If he wants to do something special, great, if you make plans and he changes his mind at the last minute, understand he is hurting.
He comes first, what year you celebrate *this* year should not be important....what is important is that you do not pressure him into doing anything. His emotions are probably still fluctuating daily or even hourly.
I hope the day goes well for both of you.
So, maybe ask your BH several times what he would prefer. It might change, even though not everyone's thoughts towards celebrating do.
Maybe you all can take back the day this year.
What do you want to do to celebrate? My W invited me out to dinner at her favorite place. It was an honest expression of where she was and thought I was, and we had a very nice time.
[This message edited by sisoon at 8:12 AM, October 20th (Sunday)]
I cried all Friday morning, did not want to hear happy anniversary from friends/family and was upset over the "wasted" 16 years. Then fWS sent me a text that brightened my whole day. I chose to then think of the day as how we HAD made it 16 years, despite all the crap we have been through and that is worth celebrating in itself.
[This message edited by PrincessPeach06 at 8:20 AM, October 20th (Sunday)]
Finally this is R 8/14/13
"Forgiving is a journey; the deeper the wound, the longer the journey".
B/C I also found out about a previous A...20 + years ago that my H had with the same OW when I found out about the last one ...4 years ago, I personally don't view it as a lost year, or 4, or 25...it negated my whole marriage in a way, so I personally would just as soon forget aniversaries altogether.
Also you may want to consider NOT doing anything you two have traditionally done. I have been married almost 35 years and for most of those he sent me roses even if he was traveling. During the A...just after dday... he sent them as he always had but from her place...he was not really out of town...he spent our aniversary with her...I found out the next week. He still send them, I dread the roses coming, but have never told him.This may be he year I speak up.
Just know that it is different now. I have thought about substituting our first date day....in the summer as our special day...you may consider doing something special on that day or another significant day that would meaningful.
I think new traditions help.Focus on traditions that involve our child and do not remind ither of you af the A...talk about it if you can. I can't which is why I still trgger badly this time of year.
Good luck and glad to see you are trying.
We have only had 12 years in an exclusive relationship.
Regardless of how many years it has been since vows were taken, I don't think I can ever celebrate them again, because they were broken.
Perhaps you could create a new day to celebrate. I read a post here once that a couple celebrates their reconciliation day.
Now that is something to celebrate.
But I do not want to really "celebrate" with my H because he has not put in those faithful years (along with other reasons I will not bore you with), why does he get to say he has been M'd 25 years, have people congratulate him when I was the only one truly M'd and faithful working my arse off?
The first few years after d-day I could not celebrate, could not "allow" him to have that privilege imo, plus I had so much to process that I really was not sure where I stood, what I wanted, what I really thought about it all. He wanted to go to lunch or dinner, I went for some, and some I flat out said no, the ones I went on were so hollow and hurtful because they did not offer any balm to my heart, not what I needed anyhow, even though it was his own way of trying.
I wish he would celebrate my contributions to the past 25 years. That would make me happy.
That being said, I do like to hear the opinions of BS cuz it helps me understand better how my BH feels
I triggered earlier in the day about something, but we were able to get way dressed up (not like us), have a great dinner, and then H invited one of 2 couples who knew about the A, and what a year we've had, to meet us for dessert.
We also shared some things we had written. One, that I requested, was things that were good about us before the affair. There is so much that is even better now, but it was good to see him remember all the great things about us.
So, anniversaries can be good. It is an affirmation of my vows that I even showed up!
[This message edited by bionicgal at 10:37 AM, October 21st (Monday)]
I edit, therefore I am.