This is very hard and is more loss for many of us to bear.
I struggle with this on a weekly basis, with a large family of in laws who have their own dysfunction.
What I keep in mind when I'm stronger is that in this case, they were also lied to. Some were drawn into the drama to keep the A underground and have that to live with. Children were drawn in and lied to, no one was spared.
However, what I don't know, is as Fatty B (OW) is let into the daylight and brought into public view, a similar question comes to mind because I cannot be friends with someone who accepts her. I can't. It mean they don't accept me.
I'm sorry to not have active advice but one thing I am is very blunt with them. If I'm down I tell them and I make myself scarce for a while.
Currently XPerv is being a really big jackass and I'm bitter so I told some of them I need some time. They don't want to hear about him in a bad way and have their own denial, so while I can't be rosy and pretend, I go away.
If I'm in their company and have an emotional time come, I excuse myself. None of them were taught to deal with emotions and I know they won't help me or want to hear what's really wrong, so when I'm not strong, I stay away. It's easiest.
I, too have health issues and am often tired and one comment XPerv made was that I didn't take proper care of myself...when it's actually a life long and chronic disease.
Setting boundaries for WH and people is really, really hard, and I'm having to do that too. He was a buffer in a way and that's gone now. And people don't like me to have a backbone, but there it is.
Don't let your WH make his "pain" more important than yours. ETA that some of the things your WH said sound a little narcissistic, like redirecting the attention to him with the boohoo about his pain. Sorry for the sarcasm.Ashland 13
A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess