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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Not coping....
NotCoping
♀ New Member
Member # 40797
Sad  Posted: 2:50 AM, October 20th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I married my husband on the 5th of October...AFTER I discovered his infidelity. I thought getting married would make me feel better, but I feel worse.

My husband and I have been together almost a year and a half. We had a long distance/online relationship at first and I truly believe that in many ways that had made our relationship stronger.

I discovered messages on his iPad that he had sent to a woman whose name I recognized as a Facebook friend. They basically were just saying how much this woman meant to him, how she always had a special place with him and how he loved seeing her. He did mention me, but not by name and it was a very casual mention....as in, he said he was with me, but didn't explain how we were engaged and planning our wedding at the time.

I understandably felt hurt and I questioned him about those messages. He lied to me. He told me she was just a friend and his comments were platonic and that no, he had never had sex with her ever.

I do admit to snooping on his Facebook account and that point (the afternoon I found the iPad messages) and lo and behold! There were huge conversations between these two people discussing their feelings for one another, they discussed getting a hotel room and my husband talked about how excited he was. Among the most hurtful things were the pet names he used that he also used with me, him asking what song she would like to dance to in their hotel and telling her that she makes him smile more than anyone else (presumably including me). They admitted and discussed previous sexual encounters that occurred prior to him meeting me. The kicker is that she is married and the only reason they didn't meet up for a PA is because her husband was (oh so inconveniently) never away at the times that my husband was available to drive interstate to see her.

I became an insane person...stalking her Facebook and making comparisons between me and her. I hate saying this because I feel awful, but she is so not even close to being the seductive temptress that I always imagined Other Women to be. I'm attractive, I'm intelligent and I'm an educated professional. I can hold my own socially and in most contexts. My husband confessed that he doesn't even find her attractive and the sex with her was not great (although he told her that it was). I'm fun and open minded in the bedroom...I am great in bed and I know it. There is nothing he could want that I won't at least agree to try. In short, there is really nothing she can offer him that I am unprepared to offer. There are no things that I have ever refused him. I'm not bragging, I'm just saying that I can't think of any real lure that she held over him? It can't be about the sex, because the sex we have is truly good. She isn't horrible looking, but I think I'm easily more attractive. She has no superficial quality that I can see - no big boobs etc. she doesn't seem particularly engaging and the conversations I read were incredibly boring and the sex chat on her end was honestly very lame....all full of cliches etc.

Im confused and hurt and my biggest fear is that if he can be so easily led into temptation by this very mediocre woman....then how can I trust him whenever he is around beautiful, intelligent women?

I thought I was special and I thought I was his ONLY. I thought I was all that he needed. I don't know what else I can offer or do to keep him focused on me.

Any advice on how I can get over the betrayal and move forward? How do I get over the obsession I have with staking this woman's Facebook and trying to figure out what she has that he couldn't seem to get from me? I'm really not coping at all....

[This message edited by NotCoping at 5:57 AM, October 20th (Sunday)]


Me: BW. 30 years old.
He: WH. 42 Years old. E/A with sex chat. Arranged to meet in a hotel with AP.
Us: long distance, online lovers. Now married and NOT seeking divorce.

Posts: 5 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Australia
summerain
♀ Member
Member # 37439
Default  Posted: 4:23 AM, October 20th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow. I am so sorry you are in pain.

That said...
You married him?

Unfortunately there is no magic pill for what has happened to go away or for you to 'get over it'. If there was I'm sure a lot of people would of taken it.

You know, I'm going to say let the obsession run it's course it will take awhile. Collate the info you have and obsess over that. Not her facebook profile.

I'm really worried about you.

This is no way to start a marriage and if you are in a country state etc where you can annul. You should

In my honest opinion there is all the reasons in the world to do it and you being married is going to complicate your reconciliation or make it harder for you to move on.

If you can, have a stiff drink and go wherever you need to go and sort it out tomorrow. Don't overthink it just do it.

I'm not saying you should part ways but I am saying that you just simply don't know which way you are going to head in this point and it is a severe impediment to your welfare etc being married


OW1 inadvertently let me know WH loves English breakfast tea. Never ever saw him drink it. And I never will.

Posts: 818 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Australia
summerain
♀ Member
Member # 37439
Default  Posted: 4:25 AM, October 20th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

oh shit haha just saw you're in Australia...

well annulment is out of the question.

I know you have that you are not 'seeking divorce'
I had 'not seeking divorce' in my tagline as well

thing is, you can't know right now. You have to look after YOURSELF!

Check your private message box.

[This message edited by lauren123 at 4:28 AM, October 20th (Sunday)]


OW1 inadvertently let me know WH loves English breakfast tea. Never ever saw him drink it. And I never will.

Posts: 818 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Australia
NotCoping
♀ New Member
Member # 40797
Default  Posted: 5:48 AM, October 20th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, thank you so much for your message. I am so very sorry that you are here as well. The club no one wants to join.

I know I married him and I "chose" him and everything else. I go over that choice every day.

That said, my situation is a complicated one in that my husband is an American citizen and we are in the process of applying for a spouse visa for him to live here. I can only sponsor once in five years and separating from my husband will adversely affect our application - leading to a denial. Our marriage was necessary for visa purposes and it had to happen when it did. The choice I had was to marry him and keep our application processing, or break it off, take time to think and have him go back to the states. If I chose option B it could at the very best mean we can apply again in 5 years or at the worst it could mean total visa denial after that five years.

I do love him and he is doing what he can to rebuild the trust and honestly, given the options I have...I chose to marry him because I do want him in my life. I want a healthy, happy marriage and I want us both to move forward.

It helps that the OW is still in the US so there is no risk of a PA with her. My husband is transparent with all his messaging devices and is very careful about making sure he accounts for his whereabouts. He lets me take his mobile phone if he goes out alone etc. I don't see any evidence that he isn't remorseful.

I think it's me. It's all my problems now in that it's me who can't let go and move on. I'm the one who is making things more difficult than they need to be. I'm the one with unreasonable trust issues and expectations. He was unfaithful, but we all make mistakes and he can't fix things unless I let him.

I just don't know how to do that.

[This message edited by NotCoping at 6:04 AM, October 20th (Sunday)]


Me: BW. 30 years old.
He: WH. 42 Years old. E/A with sex chat. Arranged to meet in a hotel with AP.
Us: long distance, online lovers. Now married and NOT seeking divorce.

Posts: 5 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Australia
summerain
♀ Member
Member # 37439
Default  Posted: 8:27 AM, October 20th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How long ago was this cheating? I mean I don't want to be harsh but...

You're being silly

I think it's me. It's all my problems now in that it's me who can't let go and move on. I'm the one who is making things more difficult than they need to be. I'm the one with unreasonable trust issues and expectations. He was unfaithful, but we all make mistakes and he can't fix things unless I let him.

I'm concerned how long has it been?

Let go and move on?
Unreasonable trust issues?
Trust will be built up slowly over time.

I would be WORRIED if you had no trust issues.

Thankyou for clearing it up a bit more as to why you got married. I really can't judge.


It helps that the OW is still in the US so there is no risk of a PA with her. My husband is transparent with all his messaging devices and is very careful about making sure he accounts for his whereabouts. He lets me take his mobile phone if he goes out alone etc. I don't see any evidence that he isn't remorseful.

This is great.

I really hope someone a bit more mature then me can come along and give you the right mixture of firm and compassionate advice. I'm really not too good at that

So

1. Do you have a post nup? Really recommend it in this case
2. Counselling for both of you and MC
3. Figure out what you need and see if he is fulfilling it
4. A nice little thing I found early on was to write an appreciation journal to outweigh the really negative thoughts I had of him. When I was really angry or sad I would read the journal

Actually I should do that again

Eta: just spoke to my wh, he says even a year after I found out I still have a very close eye on him. And I do check up on him a lot. However he's completely ok with it

[This message edited by lauren123 at 8:44 AM, October 20th (Sunday)]


OW1 inadvertently let me know WH loves English breakfast tea. Never ever saw him drink it. And I never will.

Posts: 818 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Australia
SerJR
♂ Member
Member # 14993
Default  Posted: 3:33 PM, October 20th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome here little sister...

Im confused and hurt and my biggest fear is that if he can be so easily led into temptation by this very mediocre woman

Affairs have nothing to do with either you or the OW. They are all about your WH trying to soothe his own internal inadequacies with a selfish and destructive fix. The OW functions as nothing more than a warped mirror to the WS - it distorts the truth and reflects back what the WS wants to see. It's about feeding the OW bullshit so the OW will feed him back the same bullshit about how awesome he is. In many cases, the WS engages with an "inferior" individual, so that they can feel superior or even heroic by comparrisson (ie - knight in shining armour syndrome). This is all about him. Period.

How do I get over the obsession I have

It will take time. And it depends on how effectively your WH cuts her out of his life. Don't beat yourself up over snooping - but at the sametime, try to put a plan in place to ween yourself off. Maybe start checking only once a day for a few weeks... then every other day... and gradually cut back. Keep track of this so you can help manage this addiction (yes, it does become addiction for most BS's) and congratulate yourself when you do see a successful reduction.

we are in the process of applying for a spouse visa for him to live here

You need to see a lawyer and find out what your rights and options are with this. The last thing you need is to be stuck with or liable for an unremorseful WS. This is about protecting yourself.

Any advice on how I can get over the betrayal and move forward?

Can you tell us about your WH? What has he done to set things right? Or has he dismissed the issue entirely? His behaviour will let you know if reconciling with him is an option.

Outside of that, the best thing you can do is to take care of yourself. Gather a support network. Consult a doctor/IC to get help. Read and post here. Get involved with your life.


Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

Posts: 17097 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South
NotCoping
♀ New Member
Member # 40797
Default  Posted: 8:51 PM, October 20th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks you two, from the bottom of my heart.

To answer some questions (sorry, my head was spinning a little bit last night when I originally posted and I know it was all over the place).

I found out about the EA on the 16 August and then later found out that the EA had been taking place since at least December (that's as far back as I could stomach reading on his Facebook messages) and their last communication was in July. My husband was in the US while communicating with her and as far as I know, he never actually spoke to her while in Australia with me.

What he is doing: he has (as far as I know) cut off all contact. He deleted her contact details from his iPhone and reset the phone so her contact details no longer even pop up with the spotlight feature. He has deleted and blocked her on Facebook after letting her know that I knew and that he would be cutting off all contact. He blocked her before she had a chance to respond. He also allowed me to go through his entire Facebook account and he even suspended his account for a while. Up until now he has been secretive regarding me and the extent of our relationship and he has changed that attitude a lot - he posted lots of wedding pictures and changed his privacy settings from "custom" to friends so everyone could see them. I felt that was a great way to show me he was truly ready to fix things.

When I talk about the problem being me, I don't mean that I'm to blame for what he did or that he doesn't need to take responsibility for the choices he made that hurt me deeply. I just mean that I feel that my inability to accept our "new normal" and move on is what is keeping us from reconciling. He is doing his best and he has done everything I have asked.

I do feel like he isn't being totally honest about everything. He tells me that she meant nothing to him and that all the compliments he made to her, all the times he told her how much she meant etc were all lies. He threw a her under the bus, so I know it wasn't real love or anything and he did choose to move across the world to be with me so I believe his love for me is real. I just feel like he's not adequately sharing with me his reason for doing what he did - what he got from he relationship and what she could offer that I couldn't. I want this information so I can make sure that he never feels like his only option to meet his needs is to cheat. Whether that is a naive thought process or not, I just don't know.

I'm floundering and have no idea what I want, how to get it and how to move on. I love him and I know that he loves me. Also forgot to mention that he told his mom and dad about his infidelity and showed me their messages discussing it. They called him a moron and told him to never be so stupid again. I do believe he is taking reconciliation seriously and at least right now...he has no intentions or desires to cheat.

I don't want to be the one holding us back from being happy and healing our marriage. Apart from the infidelity, he really is a wonderful husband and does express his love to me daily in multiple ways. I don't want a divorce and I don't want to live without him....but I can't seem to push the infidelity into he back of my mind like I want to. It should be filed away with past mistakes and I want to give him a proper chance to make amends and fix things. It's what I want and what he wants. She should be a non entity...not still a factor in my marriage.

She is also married, she states she loves her husband on her Facebook page. She is a. Hypocrite just like my husband was. She also knew about me. I HATE giving that remorseless woman any more head space. She'll never have my husband again...and I want her out of my marriage and my life.

Thank you again for the advice. I am taking it all on board and processing it. I'm sorry that you guys are wise through experience :( who wants to be an expert on such things?


Me: BW. 30 years old.
He: WH. 42 Years old. E/A with sex chat. Arranged to meet in a hotel with AP.
Us: long distance, online lovers. Now married and NOT seeking divorce.

Posts: 5 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Australia
nzgirl
♀ New Member
Member # 40812
Default  Posted: 1:23 AM, October 21st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Notcoping... This forum is such a place of utter despair. I quietly read all the posts and am amazed at how often we find our own stories repeated - and people give such fantastic advice (thank you wonderful people on this site!). I read your story and just had to comment...

- the first thing is i am expert in making the OW (I have plural) into this unknown "monster" - I go stalker crazy on their facebook haha... until I read the post on here "they always affair down" - if you haven't read it already please please read it. it is awesome. i read it daily :)it calmed a whole lotta crazy in my head

- the other thing i wanted to say is regarding your feelings that you are holding back progress on the reconciliation... talking from experience (with my first DDay) it took ages. and it took my husband's actions to make it "right". there'll come a time when you only obsess about it 20 times a day instead of 50, then it will only be 10 times a day, then once a day, then once a week. Don't quite know how I am going to go with this DDay but i know that eventually things came ok last time and we had 2 fantastic kiddies

- what speaks volumes to me is that your husband told his family. that is massive in my opinion.

- wishing you all the best. it sounds like your heart is heading towards reconciliation, just gotta give your head time to do its obsessing and catch up I reckon :)


Posts: 7 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: New Zealand
summerain
♀ Member
Member # 37439
Default  Posted: 4:37 AM, October 21st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

what he got from he relationship and what she could offer that I couldn't. I want this information so I can make sure that he never feels like his only option to meet his needs is to cheat. Whether that is a naive thought process or not, I just don't know.

This is such a hard thought process a lot of us struggle with. It takes a long time and feels for me at least a cop out to recognise the truth

IT WAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU

seriously there was nothing

why didn't he tell you? why was/is he a hypocrypt?

Don't worry this one will take you time.

I would say there was a mix of 'newness' a mix of 'missing her' a range of things... and convenience

You can't fix these things only he can. ONLY he can.


all relationships can improve in some ways, you can improve in ways but that's not the point. WHY did he not tell you. Because he was selfish

Why did he do it... because he was selfish

I don't subscribe to the whole 'he was weak vulnerable etc' unless he TRULY was. i've read some really heartbreaking circumstances for waywards on this site. You have not described a truly heartbreaking situation for him.


I don't want to be the one holding us back from being happy and healing our marriage. Apart from the infidelity, he really is a wonderful husband and does express his love to me daily in multiple ways. I don't want a divorce and I don't want to live without him....but I can't seem to push the infidelity into he back of my mind like I want to. It should be filed away with past mistakes and I want to give him a proper chance to make amends and fix things. It's what I want and what he wants. She should be a non entity...not still a factor in my marriage.

Okay, I have a habit of being too harsh so i'm going to try realllly hard here to be nice but firm.

HEALING YOUR MARRIAGE? no, you started off with an imparied and broken marriage.

Apart from the infidelity... seriously? apart from breaking your trust, lying to you, treating you like shit because really that's what his actions were saying... the ones you couldn't see. taking you for granted. Breaking your heart


You mean apart from THAT it's okay...


I can't seem to push the infidelity into he back of my mind like I want to.

Underneath all of the stupid things we ALL say at the beginning not just you, (read above if you need to be reminded). You are intelligent and your INTELLIGENCE is what's holding you back.


It should be filed away with past mistakes and I want to give him a proper chance to make amends and fix things. It's what I want and what he wants.

Mistakes? ummmm NO locking my keys in the car is a mistake. What he did is a series of DELIBERATE choices

You are giving him a proper chance to fix things...

You MARRIED HIM

Look I feel like such a bitch about this, but I have to ask truly
ever heard 'pride comes before a fall'

Your pride is what's holding you back here.
I wonder if you got rid of your pride and think 'what qualities do I want in a spouse' 'what is a dealbreaker for me?' You may have a better picture

The OW, she will go away, you will recognise (hopefully) at some point it was him not her. She doesn't matter. She's great to hate and displace anger.

I'm pro- R

I'm in R and a lot of people here did not think that was wise. Hopefully I am proving them wrong that I made the right decision *cross fingers*. So these things i say are in the spirit of R not the opposite. You need to know where your head is and what you want otherwise you won't know if you can committ to it

Reconcilliation is hard, divorce is hard. But you and I are lucky that we have no children nothing really. Our choice has a lot less complications. And yes, I am taking the immigration into account.

You are not, sorry to say, commited to reconcilliation. Because you don't feel safe and I get some feeling that you feel really cheated out of how a marriage should be and begin (which you were). You need to explore both sides to truly understand which way you want to go.

You won't truly know btw until six months out, but I am worried if you're at 3 months out and this is what you're posting.


OW1 inadvertently let me know WH loves English breakfast tea. Never ever saw him drink it. And I never will.

Posts: 818 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Australia
SerJR
♂ Member
Member # 14993
Default  Posted: 2:43 PM, October 21st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Laura brings up a good point about your marriage starting off even though he had cheated. What may provide a bit more clarity on that matter is if you can ask yourself if you married him because of him, or because of who you want him to be (ie, are you holding on to an ideal which may not be attainable)? I'm not suggesting one way or another, I just want to challenge you with some critical thinking (and do take your time to think about it).

Next, you have to ask yourself what do you need to remain in this relationship, and what behaviour will you absolutely not tolerate (and by that, I mean draw a line in the sand and be prepared to leave the marriage if it is crossed)?

With regards to "getting over it", like nzgirl mentioned it takes time, and it takes dedication action from your WH. At the same time, it takes you committing to your own healing and taking constructive steps towards that (such as individual couseling and getting involved in your life).


Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

Posts: 17097 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South
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