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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Be careful what you wish for...
Marathonwaseasy
♀ Member
Member # 40674
Default  Posted: 12:54 AM, October 28th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh beautiful empty
There is so much about our health services but at least people don't get completely cut off like that.

I am sticking with him. I truly love him. I just don't want the months and years of agony I have ahead of me. But even without him the agony would still be there. I'm stuck with it.

I can't sleep. I'm losing weight. I'm so tired and weakened that I can't run. I'm tortured with mind movies. They change just when I come to terms with one thing another appears. He is trying so hard in many ways. He's very different with me. He talks to me and we connect. But he has only so much strength to get through the day dealing with his bipolar and caring for me. Sometimes it runs out and I'm left just dealing with it all, without him.
Yesterday was a really tough day. I'm working today. Have to get dd out to childcare because Monday was one of his days off from being at home with her to get some time for himself. The time he spent with ow


Me BS, 41
Him WS, 45
EA and PA (PA for 11 months)
DDay 13/9/13
3 children - 15,12,3
WS has bipolar, no excuse...

"We're not broken, just bent. We can learn to love again."


Posts: 421 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Ireland
BeautifulEmpty
♀ Member
Member # 38763
Default  Posted: 2:19 AM, October 28th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hear you. It is hard to accept that the pain is there regardless of what path you choose but don't lose sight of what is also liberating.
You know the pain is there whether you stay or run.
You know you love him despite all this hurt...both his fault and not.
You know he's trying and you know you will not have smooth sailing ahead all the time.
You also know knowledge is power so look at all these things you know as fact.
When you get far enough away from the initial shock and hurt, you can see the truth of the matter is whatever way you choose. Then put away the confusing feelings and go forward with what you know. Those are the things I tell myself. I don't seem to be far enough away yet but my counselor sums it up exactly the way I would. She says 'you choose to love him and continue with him so get to it. It's not so much about not being able to trust him. You can't really trust anyone but you can trust yourself so know how you will handle things if he acts up. That's all you can do.'
It sounds like you need to spend some regular time edifying yourself.
You must get some sleep and running will help immensely but you need your strength first. What is available to you to get your soul and body nourished? It isn't self indulgent...it's absolutely necessary. I know how this feels...how impossible this feels. Start small. Tiny, densely nutritious meals..grazing even. Clean water sipped throughout the day. A glass of wine in the evening while in a bath with lavender essential oils or something you like.
If nothing else, maybe quiet walks and deep breathing.
You will run again and feel good again. It will happen.
One day you will realize how long it's been since you thought about *_____* fill in the blanks...It may have only been a week but it's longer than you previously thought possible. It will happen.
The tag line of my email reads "Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end."
I hold to that and am amazed every time things feel a little more normal. A little better than before.
(((Hugs)))


Me: 42 BS
Him: 38 ws
Ow: 44 head case, no obs
5 DD's: 21, 18, 17, 15, 10
Last D-day: August 2012 with lots of very blurry lines.

Posts: 225 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Washington State
runningfrompain
♀ New Member
Member # 41147
Default  Posted: 4:28 PM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello marathonwaseasy. My story is almost identical to yours. I am a runner & a physician, and my WH is bipolar. My dday was 8/6 but we had false R & I'm hoping he is finally stable on meds & sticking with NC (although I'm constantly nauseous worrying about him seeing or talking to OW again). I have lost over 20 lbs as I couldn't even look at food but now can eat enough to allow me to run, which really helps! I am not sure yet that R is definitely what I want as I can't imagine trusting him again, but will give it time for my kids' sake. Its just so painful...

Posts: 35 | Registered: Oct 2013
runningfrompain
♀ New Member
Member # 41147
Default  Posted: 4:32 PM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello marathonwaseasy. My story is almost identical to yours. I am a runner & a physician, and my WH is bipolar. My dday was 8/6 but we had false R & I'm hoping he is finally stable on meds & sticking with NC (although I'm constantly nauseous worrying about him seeing or talking to OW again). I have lost over 20 lbs as I couldn't even look at food but now can eat enough to allow me to run, which really helps! I am not sure yet that R is definitely what I want as I can't imagine trusting him again, but will give it time for my kids' sake. Its just so painful...

Posts: 35 | Registered: Oct 2013
Marathonwaseasy
♀ Member
Member # 40674
Default  Posted: 2:47 AM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi runningfrompain. It's amazing to "meet" someone who is in such a similar nightmare. Yes, the pain is so intense.
I look forward to being able to run again.
I'm doing ok today. Fwh is doing everything right. Which is so good for me. I wish more waywards could do the same.
I'm terrified of the ow too but not that he still wants her. Just the thought of even seeing her or her making contact. And him being too nice to her instead of telling her to f@@k off.


Me BS, 41
Him WS, 45
EA and PA (PA for 11 months)
DDay 13/9/13
3 children - 15,12,3
WS has bipolar, no excuse...

"We're not broken, just bent. We can learn to love again."


Posts: 421 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Ireland
Marathonwaseasy
♀ Member
Member # 40674
Default  Posted: 10:00 AM, November 3rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well we had an OW sighting
She saw him out running and approached him. He ran away. He has told her it's over and there's to be NC and she's not listening. Obviously if I'm not there she still thinks he's fair game. He was so strong yesterday but got very upset this morning. We are going to get a lawyer letter to tell her we will start formal harassment procedures if she approaches any of our family. He wants to do this. I'm proud of his strength. The only current address we have for her is a work one. Such is life
He's mentally getting stronger and doing everything right in terms of me and taking care of his bipolar
Today for the first time in absolute years he felt genuinely happy and relaxed. Not hypomanic. Just happy
I think we will make it


Me BS, 41
Him WS, 45
EA and PA (PA for 11 months)
DDay 13/9/13
3 children - 15,12,3
WS has bipolar, no excuse...

"We're not broken, just bent. We can learn to love again."


Posts: 421 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Ireland
sad12008
♀ Member
Member # 18179
Default  Posted: 11:22 AM, November 3rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Marathonwaseasy)))

My FWH has BP as well. That presents its OWN severe challenges to a long-term relationship, absent of infidelity.

Actually my codependency has been more that I have taken on more and more and more to protect him out of fear of finding him hanging in the garage rather than liking being the strong and sorted one. But my FOO stuff was all about me being "tougher than the rest" so I have had a lifetime of being a coper rather than being allowed to feel.

I totally understand this. I feel I was pretty dramatically impacted by the Christmas Day suicide, when I was 8, of a man who was an 'honorary uncle' to me. I remember feeling like had I been with him, it wouldn't have happened (typical kid thinking; there was always fun when he was with us, so how could he be sad enough to shoot himself if he wasn't alone, right?).

Suicide has never been an abstract possibility to me since that day. I fear it, I "see" it when the phone isn't answered or other scenarios evolve when BPH is depressed. Manic behavior brings its own fears...

Other than commiseration, I want to say that a fundamental R requirement for me was/is FWH's medication compliance and regular psych care.

It isn't easy, but no one chooses illness. They can, however, choose to get the treatment to minimize the drama the illness introduces into their lives. (Diabetics can take insulin and test their blood sugar appropriately to avoid diabetic crises, for instance.) That said, it's okay to not martyr yourself if R does't work out.


"Everybody's life is hard. You look at life, and it's not a cakewalk. You've got to be able to bounce back." --Neil Young, father to two children with CP, another with epilepsy, and otherwise experientially qualified to comment

Posts: 3765 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: a new start together
BeautifulEmpty
♀ Member
Member # 38763
Default  Posted: 8:45 PM, November 3rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Hugs)))


Me: 42 BS
Him: 38 ws
Ow: 44 head case, no obs
5 DD's: 21, 18, 17, 15, 10
Last D-day: August 2012 with lots of very blurry lines.

Posts: 225 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Washington State
Topic Posts: 28
Pages: 1 · 2

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