I am sticking with him. I truly love him. I just don't want the months and years of agony I have ahead of me. But even without him the agony would still be there. I'm stuck with it.
I can't sleep. I'm losing weight. I'm so tired and weakened that I can't run. I'm tortured with mind movies. They change just when I come to terms with one thing another appears. He is trying so hard in many ways. He's very different with me. He talks to me and we connect. But he has only so much strength to get through the day dealing with his bipolar and caring for me. Sometimes it runs out and I'm left just dealing with it all, without him.
Yesterday was a really tough day. I'm working today. Have to get dd out to childcare because Monday was one of his days off from being at home with her to get some time for himself. The time he spent with ow
"We're not broken, just bent. We can learn to love again."
My FWH has BP as well. That presents its OWN severe challenges to a long-term relationship, absent of infidelity.
Actually my codependency has been more that I have taken on more and more and more to protect him out of fear of finding him hanging in the garage rather than liking being the strong and sorted one. But my FOO stuff was all about me being "tougher than the rest" so I have had a lifetime of being a coper rather than being allowed to feel.
I totally understand this. I feel I was pretty dramatically impacted by the Christmas Day suicide, when I was 8, of a man who was an 'honorary uncle' to me. I remember feeling like had I been with him, it wouldn't have happened (typical kid thinking; there was always fun when he was with us, so how could he be sad enough to shoot himself if he wasn't alone, right?).
Suicide has never been an abstract possibility to me since that day. I fear it, I "see" it when the phone isn't answered or other scenarios evolve when BPH is depressed. Manic behavior brings its own fears...
Other than commiseration, I want to say that a fundamental R requirement for me was/is FWH's medication compliance and regular psych care.
It isn't easy, but no one chooses illness. They can, however, choose to get the treatment to minimize the drama the illness introduces into their lives. (Diabetics can take insulin and test their blood sugar appropriately to avoid diabetic crises, for instance.) That said, it's okay to not martyr yourself if R does't work out.