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New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: why do I do this to myself? Need help!
moveon?
♀ Member
Member # 10445
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, October 20th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i originally joined SI several years ago when my long-term/live-in BF was cheating on me. We eventually parted ways and I have moved on. Since then, I've dated a man off and on for the past few years. I love him very much. He claims he loves me. We talk about a future, where we'll live when we retire, etc. The problem is that he disappears and re-appears, disappears, re-appears. He will be WONDERFUL for 2-3 months, then he backs off. Stops calling, will only text, stops asking to see me, etc. That will last 2-3 months, then he's back to being wonderful.

Yes, we've discussed this pattern of his, at length. He says he doesn't know what he wants, doesn't know why he does this, apologizes, etc. Each time he "wants me back," he promises it's forever this time and that he is sure, etc. And then the SAME THING happens over and over and over. Today, we're back to the "disappearing stage." For the last three months, we've talked on the phone every day, text many times/day and have seen each other 2-3 times/week. Currently, I've had about six texts total from him in the last five days and we haven't seen each other in over a week. It's starting again and I'm a wreck. AGAIN.

I am to blame for this...I know what he can and can't provide, yet I still let myself get sucked into this every time. I don't know how to stop this cycle. I've read all the books, been to counseling, I date other people when he disappears, have a very independent life on my own, lots of friends, etc.

It all boils down to the fact that I compare everyone else to him and never seem to like anyone as much as I like him. Something just always seems to be missing with other guys...that unexplainable "feeling" that they are the right one. Maybe it's just the notion of wanting what we can't have??

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I'm at my wit's end and sinking into a depression.


Age 43, trying my best not to become jaded...

Posts: 347 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: TX
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, October 20th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honestly?

You are allowing this to happen. Each time you allow him back, then he receives no consequences for his action.

You either have to be OK with this pattern, or you have to make the choice to end it and walk away. Not walk away hoping he will chase you down, beg forgiveness, then rinse, lather, repeat. But...walk away.

We all know it is tough, but you will survive and go out to find something that IS what you want.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4126 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
phmh
♀ Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 12:16 PM, October 20th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My advice is to spend several hours reading at baggagereclaim.com

And then pick up "He's Just Not That Into You" and read that as well.

You deserve so much more, but you won't find it if you're stuck on this loser.


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo


Posts: 3349 | Registered: Dec 2011
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 8:09 PM, October 20th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm at my wit's end and sinking into a depression.
This is not a healthy relationship for you if it is making you depressed and unhappy.

And why do you allow him back in your life after his absences? He is taking you for granted. If he was head over heels for you, he would not disappear for weeks/months at a time and take a chance on losing you.


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15222 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
InnerLight
♀ Member
Member # 19946
Default  Posted: 12:03 AM, October 21st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You either have to be OK with this pattern, or you have to make the choice to end it and walk away. Not walk away hoping he will chase you down, beg forgiveness, then rinse, lather, repeat. But...walk away.

I agree with this.

You might read 'Getting the Love You Want' from Harville Hendrix. He talks about being attracted to people that remind you of your original caregivers so that you can relive the experience in some way with some unconscious desire to correct the stuff that didn't work, try to 'win' this time, 'prove' something to them, 'fix' it somehow.

For example, if one or both of your parents was unavailable or inconsistent then this kind of guy will look very attractive to you. And you will bend over backwards to try to 'make it work' in some unconscious pull to get your parents to acknowledge you somehow.

I think there is a lot of truth in this theory.

But there are easier ways of going back to the past and working it out than choosing to be with a man that puts us through this pain again and again.

Be clear what you want in your mind, respectfully ask for what you want, he has a right to say no, but be ready to walk away if he does say no.

I did that with my SO early on and we broke it off gracefully. I thought we were done. Did NC. Went through the grief, then started dating other men again. NEVER expected to date SO again, but 5 months later he asked me and agreed to do the things that made me feel safe and fulfilled. So we are together and it's pretty great.

The important part about me getting clear on what I wanted, asking for it and walking away when he said no, was not that we ultimately got back together on better terms though. The absolute best part was the wonderful feeling of a BACKBONE. I have it now and it makes all the difference.


BS, age 53, d-day 6-2-08, divorced after 17 years and 20 together. dating again, living in the sticks with a cat. It's taking a long time to create new dreams and a new life but it is slowly coming together.

Posts: 5812 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Rural California
cayc
♀ Member
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 7:32 AM, October 21st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It all boils down to the fact that I compare everyone else to him and never seem to like anyone as much as I like him.

So ask yourself why this is. He jerks you around, lies to you and makes false promises. How can it be that he outshines all other men? His behavior is shabby and you think that makes him better?

Are you sure it's not got more to do with you feel rejected by someone you like, and then when he comes back, whee! no more rejection, I've won! Until he takes off for wherever.

Somehow you've got to figure out why you aren't rejecting him for his disappearing act. Somehow you've got to figure out why you think he's better than everyone else despite being a dick to you.

Now, step away from the computer and go text this guy and tell him to fuck off and never contact you again b/c you think he's a selfish user of people and you don't have room for that in your life.


"The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved, the pig is committed." -Martina Navratilova
"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 3074 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
lonelylost
♀ Member
Member # 36784
Default  Posted: 12:51 PM, October 21st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((moveon))

Sweetie, do not give him the green light anymore. His treatment is abuse. Let him know you can no longer see him. You deserve better. You deserve someone who "knows what they want". I hate when people use the excuse that they don't know what they want, I've heard this too, but that's just saying they're waiting for someone better. FTG.

FTG!

You are the something better, let the right man experience that. This one doesn't deserve you! Don't be OK with the pattern.


Divorced Jan 2013

"Don't look back, the road is long."
- Needtobreathe


Posts: 209 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: IL
better4me
♀ Member
Member # 30341
Default  Posted: 1:23 PM, October 21st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You've gotten some great advice here and I have nothing to add except: Keep us posted on the situation and the difficulties you have keeping on the right track. Know that you've got supporters here.


DDay 11/17/2010 BW:52
Divorced

Posts: 3122 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Iowa
LearningToRun
♀ Member
Member # 31353
Default  Posted: 3:01 PM, October 21st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My advice is to spend several hours reading at baggagereclaim.com

And then pick up "He's Just Not That Into You" and read that as well.

You deserve so much more, but you won't find it if you're stuck on this loser.

Yes, yes, yes!! You are attracted to the emotionally unavailable man. And he WILL do this again. It took me 24 years to have enough of it. And even then i probably would have caved.... I quit reading those sites because i didnt want to hear it. But really it ends when you say stop.


Posts: 261 | Registered: Feb 2011
trumanshow
♀ Member
Member # 25624
Default  Posted: 3:08 PM, October 21st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would stop responding and when he wants you back-tell him that he may not know what he wants but YOU do, and it's not this!

I know it's hard at first but I think you know that if he was going to change it would have happened by now


Your ex wanting to be friends is like asking a kidnapper to stay in touch when they let you go.

The type of fierce loyalty that I possess made me incapable of comprehending the level of disloyalty that he possessed


Posts: 1747 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Charlotte, NC
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