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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Searching, searching, searching
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 12:28 PM, October 20th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I search nearly every day here at SI. I search and I search. I search for the answers. I search for the unanswerable. I search for an antidote to the pain, to the memories.

There has to be an answer, there has to be an antidote, one can not continue with this always, always, always in the corners of your mind.

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 12:29 PM, October 20th (Sunday)]


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9801 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
jo2love
♀ Moderator
Member # 31528
Default  Posted: 12:44 PM, October 20th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Sister)))

Posts: 35933 | Registered: Mar 2011
HardenMyHeart
♂ Member
Member # 15902
Default  Posted: 1:00 PM, October 20th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Sister)))

There has to be an answer, there has to be an antidote, one can not continue with this always, always, always in the corners of your mind.

Two of the questions I asked myself during the early painful days of R was, What is happiness and why do we suffer? After years of searching, I found the answers. Unfortunately, knowing the answers does not solve the problem.

Basically, happiness and suffering are based on your attitude and point of view. The saying that happiness comes from within is very true. The same applies to suffering.

There is an antidote, but you're not going to like it. The antidote is to stop being right. You suffer because you think you are right, and blame others or your circumstances because they do not conform with your view of the world. This not only apply to infidelity, but to all things.

As long as you continue to blame others (or your circumstances) for your negative feelings, you will always suffer. Once you realize you have the power to control your mind, by taking the power away from those you blame, you will start to see things differently.

What is happiness? Happiness is just a calm, content, and peaceful mind. That's all. It's not found in material things and it's not found in your spouse. It's searching for the beauty and joy in the world around you. It's there right now inside of your mind, but you must find the wisdom to know it.

I recommend the following book to help you look at things differently:
The Joy of Living: Unlocking the Secret and Science of Happiness by Yongey Mingyur Rinpoche

The book requires a bit of outside the box thinking, but it definitely helped my wife and me with some of our struggles; and not just with infidelity.

So sorry you are suffering. Your answers are out there, but you may be looking in the wrong places.

[This message edited by HardenMyHeart at 9:18 PM, October 20th (Sunday)]


Me: BH, Her: FWW - Long Term EA/PA
d-day: June 25, 2007
Married 30 years, Reconciled

Inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions.


Posts: 5695 | Registered: Aug 2007
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 1:20 PM, October 20th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you find the answer, let me know. I'll do the same for you, if I find it.

I think the answer and antidote lie in doing some R work that we just don't recognize yet (which, on doubt, is yet another reason it's a 2-5 year process, except for those who need more or less time....)


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10384 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
LoveActually
♀ Member
Member # 31030
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, October 20th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((SisterM)))

Ditto.


BS (Me)
WS (Him)
D-Day 5/29/09
Married 11 yrs, together 16 yrs

Posts: 778 | Registered: Jan 2011
bionicgal
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 1:45 PM, October 20th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sister M:
I get it. I am here, on a Sunday, miles behind in my work, and on about 3 hours of sleep.

Sometimes I find pearls of wisdom on SI, sometimes companionship, sometimes a lively debate, and sometimes a huge trigger. But what I really come here looking for, is the magic antidote for the pain to be over.

I love HMH's sentiments. I read a lot of Buddhist thinkers, and I know that I need to lean into the pain - that resisting it causes more suffering. There has been so much joy in the 4 months since Dday -- an unusual amount. But, as you know, the pain is also excruciating.

So, just know that you are not alone, and that all beings suffer to some degree - it is our nature.


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is a personal crisis, not a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 2065 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
FightingBack
♀ Member
Member # 34770
Default  Posted: 1:50 PM, October 20th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sister, I am here with you......searching.

Your posts always seem so together and grounded, that I assumed that your main purpose here was to help others come to greater understanding.

Which you do, but I didn't realize that you are still in such pain. I guess it never really goes away.

(((((sister)))))


Me 53
WH 58
Married 25 years
4 children S30,D24, S23,S21
D-Day Nov. 29, 2011
15 year affair with married employee.
Together trying to make sense of it all!

Posts: 785 | Registered: Feb 2012
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 2:02 PM, October 20th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Sisterm))

That's why I've read about 600 books on all this shit, searching for magic pill I guess. It doesn't exist.


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5286 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
Dallas2
♀ Member
Member # 28362
Default  Posted: 2:11 PM, October 20th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SisterMilkshake- I also look and read but I am finding my peace.

Hope and faith help. I hope for a better tommorow and have faith that it will be.

(((HUGS)))


Me

Posts: 828 | Registered: Apr 2010
somanyyears
♂ Member
Member # 26970
Default  Posted: 2:12 PM, October 20th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


..
with this always, always, always in the corners of your mind.


..not able to get closure and a searing hatred for bfOM keeps the pain alive.

..peace of mind is elusive..

smy 4 U SMs


trust no other human- love only your pets
She isn't and never was who I thought..I can't believe who I married and what she did to us.
Me 67
Her 63
Married 42 yrs (together 47)
18 yr LTA with bf


Posts: 4129 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: the sad state of affairs
GraceisGood
♀ Member
Member # 17686
Default  Posted: 2:48 PM, October 20th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sister:

I too have done the searching. Not just since D-day, but since 6 months into my M (which was nearly 25 years ago), I knew something was "wrong" and of course assumed it was me, you know the "search yourself/you can only change yourself" line of thinking. So I read and read and researched and researched and I tried and tried and hoped and hoped and kept on keeping on, over and over, round and round, squeek, squeek went my wheels frantic for decades.

Then I finally came across Buddhism and its theory of suffering, etc. And a new way of thinking was opened to me.

It does not all work for me, but some does. What I have found, that is working, is to get off the wheel, or at least not run so frantic on it (I have been on the wheel so long that to stop cold turkey is not gonna happen, but I have stopped about 75% of it and am working towards 100%)

The less I search and read and research and just "be" the more content I am. I do not have answers, and there are still many "needs" I have that are unmet, but I seem to be able to deal with that better, the longing, the desires, the hoping, is gone. (and not to T/J but giving up hope was one of the most profound things I did to find peace, always hoping caused me such pain when year after year, decade after decade those hopes went unanswered)

We are all different and this might not be where your journey leads you.

grace


We have a tendency to think the love offered us is a reflection of our worth and value.But in actuality,it's a reflection of the person that is giving it.We love out of who WE are-not because of who the receiver is.At least in terms of real love.TSMF

Posts: 3459 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: how far the east is from the west
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 2:57 PM, October 20th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((SMS))))

I'm in the same boat honey.

I guess all we can do is keep holding each other's hands.

BIG HUGS

Laura


Married 32yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 60yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA 16+ years).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2754 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
HardenMyHeart
♂ Member
Member # 15902
Default  Posted: 3:06 PM, October 20th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

and not to T/J but giving up hope was one of the most profound things I did to find peace, always hoping caused me such pain when year after year, decade after decade those hopes went unanswered

This is definitely on point. Hope is an escape mechanism that keeps you trapped in your present suffering. Hope can make you unwilling to change and to find the beauty, joy, and happiness that exist in the present. This concept is discussed in the wonderful book by Pema Chodron titled:
When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times

I have also found a good deal of valuable advice in Western Psychology books; in particular using Cognitive Based Therapy (CBT). When combined with the Buddhist philosophy, CBT offers a powerful technique for dealing with negative feelings and emotional suffering. In particular, I liked the book:
The 14 Day Stress Cure: A New Approach for Dealing With Stress That Can Change Your Life by Morton C. Orman

[This message edited by HardenMyHeart at 3:08 PM, October 20th (Sunday)]


Me: BH, Her: FWW - Long Term EA/PA
d-day: June 25, 2007
Married 30 years, Reconciled

Inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions.


Posts: 5695 | Registered: Aug 2007
Williesmom
♀ Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 3:16 PM, October 20th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Same here. I have taken to asking people IRL if they are happy, and why are they happy. It leads to an entire happiness discussion. I'm sure that they think I'm more than a little weird.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7773 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
AFrayedKnot
♂ Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, October 20th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Deep down you all know why you are here. Why you come back day after day.

To help each each other!!!!

And that my friends IS the antidote.


BS 40
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2636 | Registered: Aug 2012
mchercheur
♀ Member
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 3:29 PM, October 20th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sister, I am here with you......searching.
Your posts always seem so together and grounded, that I assumed that your main purpose here was to help others come to greater understanding.

Which you do, but I didn't realize that you are still in such pain. I guess it never really goes away.

(((((sister)))))

Ditto.
I too have a million other things to do right now, & yet I checked in, hoping to find a few pearls of wisdom, a laugh, or some comfort.

I too am searching searching searching for the answer to why this happened.

Hence my username: "chercheur" means "searcher" in French, & I have French ancestry.

A few good days will go by, of course I think about it every day, but don't obsess about it most of the time, & then it will hit me:
How could WH do that to me?
How could he just throw me & the kids away like that?
And how can it be that he never brings it up? I have told him that I still think about it all the time. If I were him, I would be acknowledging to me frequently that he knows I am still in pain & he loves me & appreciates that I am willing to try to work on us.
I am working so hard in IC & on my own trying to fix what was wrong with me ( I was so angry at him that he had just checked out of the marriage for a couple of years before his A, but felt so bad about myself that I just stopped talking to him. I still feel bad about myself, but am working hard in IC on keeping communication open.)
But he is happy go lucky.
I just don't get it, & am still trying to figure it out.


together 25 yrs, married 24 yrs, 4 children;Rebuilding
D Day: 5/10/2011 PA
OW: WH's co-worker,divorced, no children, 20 yrs younger than I-----& she knew he was married, had met our kids, but that did not stop her from trying to destroy our family

Posts: 1397 | Registered: Dec 2012
unfound
♀ Member
Member # 12802
Default  Posted: 3:37 PM, October 20th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh Sister , I know exactly what you mean. I use to do it too. Not just here, but everywhere: a movie, a tv show, at the grocery store, in a book.... Somewhere, there HAD to be the answer, the "fix", some profound phrase, moment, epiphany waiting for me to discover or trip on or learn.

Looking back, they were there. In the most unassuming places. But there was no one "AH HA" moment or answer. Lots of little things that added up. Lots of nits and specks that seemed insignificant alone, but so so detrimental to my healing. Some things I've long forgotten, while others will stay with me for as long as I live.

Sometimes, just sometimes when we loosen our grip on the search, the answers come quietly.

There may not be any big answer for you in this, but when you do find them, or they find you, I know you'll continue to pass them on for others to find too.


ka-mai
*******************
From time to time, I do consider that I might be mad. Like any self-respecting lunatic, however, I am always quick to dismiss any doubts about my sanity. DK

Posts: 14861 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: mercury's underboob
catlover50
♀ Member
Member # 37154
Default  Posted: 3:53 PM, October 20th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Sister))))

So sorry you are hurting today hon.

Just this morning on my run, when my mind usually goes "there" yet again, I had a minor epiphany. He's not that man now. It really doesn't matter what effed up things he did years ago. He has changed so much he says he feels "reborn". And to prove it, he is outside right now Restoring the deck perfectly happily. With pneumonia. His only complaint is that he hasn't had enough time with me this weekend and his illness has had me doing all the giving.

Sister I know that your H has changed as well. And you have chosen to stay with him. I have decided to just keep saying "he's not that man now" and try not to go there. Working so far. For me, and I suspect for you, there is no more to be gained by going over it and over it.

Best to you.



Dday -9/24/2012
Reconciling

Posts: 1763 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 4:43 PM, October 20th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

giving up hope was one of the most profound things I did to find peace

This makes my heart hurt. Is this acceptance, which this thread is all about, or settling or the reliazation that we never had it right in the first place.


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5286 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 5:05 PM, October 20th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SMS, here is a GIANT((((hug))).

I appreciate the words HmH wrote.

I read your posts and can almost feel the strength of you emerging from the screen but we all have days that are so tiring. Draining.

Rest tonight.
LA

[This message edited by LA44 at 5:05 PM, October 20th (Sunday)]


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2463 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
Topic Posts: 31
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