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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Searching, searching, searching
heartache101
♀ Member
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 7:10 PM, October 20th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((sister)))

I dreamed last night of a family in which I was the mother and wife I loved my husband to the depths of my soul I woke up feeling that. Something I have not felt forever.
Sad it is only a dream


There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3185 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 8:12 PM, October 20th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Feeling foolish for being so needy this morning. I am overwhelmed by the kindness, the comfort, the support, the wisdom, the hugs, the understanding that every single one of you have extended to me. I humbly thank you.

I feel so much better now. In no small part because of all you.

Yes, generally, I do have it "together" FightingBack. FWH has changed so much, as catlover pointed out. I truly am a glass half full type of person.

This morning FWH and I were watching Alaska State Troopers. Troopers had to respond to two people fornicating in a truck. It was daylight because it was when the sun is up all the time. Who does that? Yeah, MisterSister did that with AP. On many occasions.

The trigger hit me hard. Harder than any trigger in quite awhile. Probably easily at least a year. Most triggers are just a little blip, hardly acknowledged. Today, I was overcome with sadness. I cried. The first time in a very long time about the affair. I felt needy and vulnerable. MisterSister was caring and kind.

I just am so tired of it being in the corners of my mind. All. The. Time. Never knowing when it is going to jump out at you, take your breath away, knock you to your knees, make you swear, or just be unbelievably sad.

Chicho, it is true. I come to SI because it does help me to give comfort, support, understanding to others that are or have been where I have been. It is also true, as unfound says, I am still looking for that one big "AH HA" that I feel I may find here in someone's post or anywhere else, for that matter. It is true, unfound, that it comes creeping in small quiet ways that will all add up to the moment when I am finally at peace and acceptance.

HmH, I agree with everything you have posted. Thank you for the book recommendations. Very interesting. Grace, I always find your posts soothing. You (and bionicgal) have me interested in Buddhism now. I will have to do some reading on that. I really like, and try, just to "be". I really find that best. I have a mantra that I got pretty soon after d-day and it really helps me. Don't dwell in the past, don't worry about the future, be in the present.

giving up hope was one of the most profound things I did to find peace
This makes sense to me. Rachael, if you think about it, maybe in a different way than you are, it is actually very freeing.

sisoon, dude, glad you got my back, and, yes I've got yours.
jo,LoveActually, smy, Dallas, Laura, LA44,thanks for the hugs and/or caring words.

It leads to an entire happiness discussion. I'm sure that they think I'm more than a little weird.
Willie, I think that is wonderful. You must have many interesting conversations. I wouldn't think you were weird, I would think you are interesting. mchercheur, heartache I am sorry you are hurting, too. ((((mchercheur)))) ((((heartache))))

I hope I mentioned everyone. I am touched by every single post and have read them more than once.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9404 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
HardenMyHeart
♂ Member
Member # 15902
Default  Posted: 8:45 PM, October 20th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SMS, so glad to hear you are doing better.

[This message edited by HardenMyHeart at 8:55 PM, October 20th (Sunday)]


Me: BH, Her: FWW - Long Term EA/PA
d-day: June 25, 2007
Married 30 years, Reconciled

Posts: 5624 | Registered: Aug 2007
morethantrying
♀ Member
Member # 40547
Default  Posted: 10:19 PM, October 20th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sistermilk:

I am your age...married about the same number of years...perhaps my hypnosis will help...look up my post on it or I can PM you...it really gave me some relief and perhaps it will help you...also I found that "being in control of the relationship"....I have a few secrets on that helped me...

[This message edited by morethantrying at 10:20 PM, October 20th (Sunday)]


Affairs - hard on us both - but love will win.
Me: BS 55
Him: WS 62
Married 32 yrs.
dday TT from 12/2012-2/2013)...

Posts: 263 | Registered: Sep 2013
heartache101
♀ Member
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 10:20 PM, October 20th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Sister)))
Sweetie i tried to send you a pm.
You are full.

You are in my thoughts:-)


There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3185 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 10:38 PM, October 20th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Cleared out some pm's, heartache!

I'll look for your post, morethantrying, thanks!


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9404 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 5:46 AM, October 21st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sister-
Glad to hear that you are feeling better.
But, you are right...healing from infidelity takes a very long time and it is exhausting!

It surprises me too...here I am 7 yrs post d-day and happily reconciled but I still have my triggers!

I truly do believe that for many of us finding out about the infidelity was extremely traumatic and we are suffering from PTSD or Post Infidelity Stress Disorder as Dr. Ortman describes in his book.

But, as you know...with a truly remorseful spouse we can move forward.

You describe how thoughts of the infidelity are still lurking in the corner of your mind.
But, look at this way- it is a vast improvement to how you thought about the infidelity right after d-day.
If you were like me you thought about it and cried about it 24/7.
So compared to that we have come a long way.

And that should give everyone hope that with time those infidelity related thoughts will take up even less space in our heads.

It just takes time.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3151 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
WhatsRight
♀ Member
Member # 35417
Default  Posted: 8:22 AM, October 21st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hope is an escape mechanism that keeps you trapped in your present suffering. Hope can make you unwilling to change

I hate to sound "unenlightened", but I (hope) and pray that this is not true. For me, "hope" is the VERY THING that makes change possible.

Begging to agree to disagree, hope is what people feel that keeps them keeping on. Not giving up.

I do understand that hoping for exact specifics is counterproductive.

Maybe it is just semantics, but I strongly believe the expression - "When you give up your dream, you die!"

And I believe "hope" would fit perfectly in place of the word "dream" in that expression.

JMHO

I hope you are feeling better today, Sister.


"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy


Posts: 1850 | Registered: Apr 2012
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 8:25 AM, October 21st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with WR... I disagree with hope is a coping mechanism thing.
I hope to be at peace with my marriage some day. Don't think that's too much to ask for. I have a right to have my marriage meet certain standards. Anything else seems like settling to me.


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me: 48
him: 51
4 kiddos in lower 20's

ôSlide the weight from your shoulders and move forward. You are afraid you might forget, but you never will. You will forgive and remember."


Posts: 4522 | Registered: Dec 2010
StillStanding1
♀ Member
Member # 40144
Default  Posted: 8:33 AM, October 21st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((sister)))

I hope you are still feeling better! I have to say I was surprised to read your original post, as I've always been inspired by your wisdom, positive attitude, and humor. Like others noted, I thought you just came back to educate, help, and inspire us "newbies".

I hope this comes off as I intend it, but I was both discouraged and comforted at reading that you are still searching for answers. Searching for peace. Discouraged that this damn legacy will never leave any of us. Sad that we still have to wrestle with the demons years later, even when R seems to have taken place. Yet comforted, knowing that we are not alone in our struggles -- that no one else has necessarily found the "magic answer" that makes this all go away either. At least we have each other for support as we try to find peace again.

Just want to say thanks. Thanks for sharing. Thanks for always being there for all of us. Wishing you a beautiful day.


Me: 40s BS, Him: 40s WH
M 21 yrs - 3 teens
LTA = 2+ yrs, Dday = 2/10/13, he moved out, he officially moved back in 1/25/14 and our work continues...

Posts: 633 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: MidWest
DeadMumWalking
♀ Member
Member # 25341
Default  Posted: 10:10 AM, October 21st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((SMS))))

I didn't see this until today (don't read in R much).

I'm sorry, so very sorry that you were triggered. It's FUCKING UGLY, infidelity is. And it just jumps out and hits us when the fuck ever. Ugh.

You are one of the GREAT supports, advice-givers, whatever you want to call it, that SI has to offer. Sorry you're here, but glad that you are. IYKWIM.....

We are all searching. I am searching so hard for 'the solution'. For happiness. For peace. For the me that used to be. Before infidelity. And I don't know if that me will ever be back.

But I know that when I am at my darkest and lowest, when I trigger, when there is no one IRL to talk to about this, there is SI. We all know what hell this journey is, and we are all here to help each other along the way. Sometimes we take more, sometimes we give more, that's just the way it is.

I'm glad you're feeling better, and glad that Mr. SMS was there for you.

((((SMS))))


Me (BS), Him (WH): early 50's
3 DS: teens!!! :)
M: 24 (19 1/2 at Dday), Together 29
Dday: Dec 2008
re-separated (in-house), for good (??) <-- should really remove these, shouldn't I...

Posts: 2538 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: EU
Topic Posts: 31
Pages: 1 · 2

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